My Name is Julie, and I'm an Alcoholic
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I got sober (alcohol/drugs) almost 20 years ago. I did it on my own and in retrospect I wish I had reached out to others. Communion is such an important part of sobriety.
Just want to put out there, first, than AA is not the only game in town. I . tried a few meetings and it was a terrible fit. Secular Sobriety and Rational Recovery still operate, I think. You probably know better than I do. AA is also valuable, but sometimes people act like it's the only way to go.
I am not going to give you that "tough love" b.s. You are not self centered or whiney or playing the victim. Your post makes it obvious that you are not in denial, just in terrible pain. To be clear, I am not disputing that addicts like us need to face ourselves and have the strength to start the sobriety process. Your post is brutally honest and revealing. So you are already on your way.
I destroyed my life--job, partner, health, my mind--before I got sober. My brother was an alcoholic who killed himself. I know the annihilation of addiction.
You can do this. It's very very hard. But with support, you can find your way. Don't keep destroying yourself. It only makes things worse. If you put out your hand, I for one will grab it. You are not alone.0 -
Might I suggest reading the book "Rational Recovery" by Jack Trimpey. It suggests another road to recovery other than AA. The author is a social worker and was addicted to alcohol himself. You should be able to buy it on Amazon for not too much. This book is the ONLY thing that has worked for my addiction when 12 step programs and therapy failed. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It sounds cliche, but it is entirely the truth when I call it life changing. Friend request or message me if you want more info. You CAN do this!0
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The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name.
This is ignorant. I have a severe mental illness, and I assure you it doesn't belong in quotes. People who suffer from mental illnesses are not weak. People who suffer from mental illnesses often need medical intervention. People use substances to self-medicate to try and stop the agony. The mentally ill don't need lectures about victimhood or bootstrapping. Yes, it takes will power to get on the recovered road, but if there's a mental illness that needs to be addressed, getting sober is only part of the process.0 -
You are not alone! I'm Mike and I am an alcoholic too. Sober since 12/13/08. You can do it. Just for today, my friend!0
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I've never said this to anyone.
It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting. I have these small bottles I hide in my purse that I know are 625 calories, (half pints) and when it gets bad, they're twice that size. Dexter nearly fell in love with his sponsor in his journey when she talked about her "dark passenger," I still I cry when I think of it. It's so true. it's an "other" thing. A clawing thing that wants to go through life with me that I don't know how to get rid of.
Funny thing? I'm a social worker. I was a hardcore drug addict. If it dissolved in a needle it went in my body. I found the boundary of life and death so many times, and I found that it was .... like some thought was pushing you back. LIke ... this can't be the end. I'm laying on the floor of a house in backwoods Tennessee with nothing but a man that doesn't give a **** about me and can't feel my limbs, can't speak, can't move. Can feel nothing but my spirit. It was some dark, empty thing that didn't wan to go yet, for some reason.I went to school to be a social worker because i *know* what rock bottom is.
I think I'm getting close that again.
I've had generalized anxiety disorder and major depression all my life. I remember symptoms when I was six. I got hives from stress. They accused my parents of abusing me, which they never did. Depression is so much a part of my life I have no other idea of how to live. I have medications that moderate it now (Viibryrd) but I seem to be a rare case.
I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,....some days I feel more at home with my clients.
I can't do this anymore. I have to stop drinking. My boyfriend has been very supportive, and but is fed up with my lying, amd there's a time stamp on it with making an effort now. I have to go to AA. I am so ****ing scared. I'm scared I'll fail and I'll cause others to relapse because I'm a failure.
I've been to therapy. The only thing that ever helped me was a DBT class that I got kicked out of because my county would pay for my psychiatric meds, but not the help I really need.
Please, please, if there are any people here that are going through this, you are not alone. Please friend me.
You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.
Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.
The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.
You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.
In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).
Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.
I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.
This actually made me feel like truly taking the selfish, childish, attention seeking path of wrist slicing in the bath tub. You sir, are an *kitten* hole. Don't go into social services. Become a drill sargeant who admires birds that freeze to death without ever complaining of the colfd.0 -
My other social worker friend told me to make sure to use the knife where people wouldn't see the scars. Sad, huh?
Borderline personality much? You have to choose to do better for yourself, which you've done before. I'm far from "better" but I've come a long way from where I was, and all I can say is get through the first day. Use the growth of that number of days to feed that other thing inside you. Mine is at 4 years, but its still hard sometimes. You can do it though.
You should see if you can get a degree that lets you diagnose people on the interwebs!0 -
I've never said this to anyone.
It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting. I have these small bottles I hide in my purse that I know are 625 calories, (half pints) and when it gets bad, they're twice that size. Dexter nearly fell in love with his sponsor in his journey when she talked about her "dark passenger," I still I cry when I think of it. It's so true. it's an "other" thing. A clawing thing that wants to go through life with me that I don't know how to get rid of.
Funny thing? I'm a social worker. I was a hardcore drug addict. If it dissolved in a needle it went in my body. I found the boundary of life and death so many times, and I found that it was .... like some thought was pushing you back. LIke ... this can't be the end. I'm laying on the floor of a house in backwoods Tennessee with nothing but a man that doesn't give a **** about me and can't feel my limbs, can't speak, can't move. Can feel nothing but my spirit. It was some dark, empty thing that didn't wan to go yet, for some reason.I went to school to be a social worker because i *know* what rock bottom is.
I think I'm getting close that again.
I've had generalized anxiety disorder and major depression all my life. I remember symptoms when I was six. I got hives from stress. They accused my parents of abusing me, which they never did. Depression is so much a part of my life I have no other idea of how to live. I have medications that moderate it now (Viibryrd) but I seem to be a rare case.
I am a prey animal. I was taught by an anxious abused woman to fear people. I do. I fear traffic, I fear relationships, I fear co-workers,....some days I feel more at home with my clients.
I can't do this anymore. I have to stop drinking. My boyfriend has been very supportive, and but is fed up with my lying, amd there's a time stamp on it with making an effort now. I have to go to AA. I am so ****ing scared. I'm scared I'll fail and I'll cause others to relapse because I'm a failure.
I've been to therapy. The only thing that ever helped me was a DBT class that I got kicked out of because my county would pay for my psychiatric meds, but not the help I really need.
Please, please, if there are any people here that are going through this, you are not alone. Please friend me.
You already know how to help yourself. But here you are, making a post for attention and garnering sympathy which you believe is the support needed to change. It won't work. You will fail like before. Nothing will change unless you change it. Things will always be as they have been because you aren't yet ready to make the changes to take you in a new direction. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being immature. That is what you are doing. These "meetings" become addicting and pretty soon, you start to feed on how everyone reacts to you and their "needing" your returned support. It's a vicious cycle of selfishness.
Having known close family members who have been and are drug addicts/alcoholics, the root problem here is a lack of self-worth--that and a selfish imbalance stemming from a serious lack of psychological development. For whatever reason, you never learned that life isn't about you, that it's not about being praised or condemned. It just...is. You fit into it; it doesn't fit into you; you MAKE it; it doesn't make you. You can either conform and start playing by the same give-and-take rules as the rest of productive society, or you can wallow with "treatment programs" and other forms of "me, me, me" like you've been doing.
The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name. You are the way you are. You have weaknesses, but you beat those by putting forth the mental energy to compensate, not empower them to envelop you by justifying them as if they were a permanent part of you. You can beat them when you decide you need to, when you get sick and tired enough of losing. You can, and maybe you will, but you will have to completely overhaul your thinking for that to happen.
You will always be an addict, yes, but you can decide it is time to stop the cycle and move on. You can learn to kick the *kitten* of your problems and decide to live life as an alpha when you realize just how silly you are being from throwing up the "woe is me!' sentiments. Step back and look at how everything in your life is a wreck. Why is that? Why is it that weight loss, psychological instability, AND drug-use are all washing up on your shores? It's because, for one reason or another, you never learned to function, to reason, to sacrifice, or to process feelings as you needed to. It doesn't really matter why you are the way you are (a lot of us share or have shared the same struggles). What matters is that you aren't done learning yet, which is why it is time to affect those much-needed changes.
In your mind, you are at the center of your own universe, but instead, you should view yourself like a heart or a lung, or perhaps just a blood cell--a small part of a greater whole that can be made to function better when you do your part (instead of justifying why you fail and refuse to move forward).
Skinner said that depression is just the inability to construct a future. That means, we should always be planning and moving forward, if only in some small way. Never revel in failures because when you get back up and keep moving forward perpetually, the odds of your finally winning become so stacked in your favor that you basically can't lose.
I know this has sounded harsh, but I hope you will consider these words.
This bolded sentence makes you an expert on nothing. And life isn't about me? You know what, fvck that, my life IS about me, and I'll be damned if somebody tries to tell me differently. I am the center of my universe, and I'm keeping it that way!
And telling someone to not go into a treatment program when it's likely the best option is potentially damaging.0 -
I have NO ideas on what to say that might help you but just wanted to send some hugs your way ((((hugs))).
You know you have a problem and it sounds like you know what you need to do to get this sorted. I sincerely hope you can get the help and support you need to get past it.
Don't worry too much about dieting for now. You have bigger demons to deal with, I am sure in dealing with those the weight would come off anyway. Take care of yourself xxx0 -
The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name.
This is ignorant. I have a severe mental illness, and I assure you it doesn't belong in quotes. People who suffer from mental illnesses are not weak. People who suffer from mental illnesses often need medical intervention. People use substances to self-medicate to try and stop the agony. The mentally ill don't need lectures about victimhood or bootstrapping. Yes, it takes will power to get on the recovered road, but if there's a mental illness that needs to be addressed, getting sober is only part of the process.
^^^ I agree - - very ignorant - - we all come from different walks of life, we all have our own stories....
With that being said and the fact that mental illnesses are real I will say inpatient rehab - I have been and looking back I wish I would have stayed much longer. It's never easy at first but every day gets a little bit better. You know you need help, you are saying you are ready - take that one step and check yourself in. One step....0 -
The fact is, you've chosen to play the victim. People who use terms that empower failure like "anxiety disorder" and "depression" don't know that they are simply bolstering their weaknesses to control them by giving them a name.
This is ignorant. I have a severe mental illness, and I assure you it doesn't belong in quotes. People who suffer from mental illnesses are not weak. People who suffer from mental illnesses often need medical intervention. People use substances to self-medicate to try and stop the agony. The mentally ill don't need lectures about victimhood or bootstrapping. Yes, it takes will power to get on the recovered road, but if there's a mental illness that needs to be addressed, getting sober is only part of the process.
^^This.
I hope the OP will decide to use some of the other tools suggested in this post.0 -
This bolded sentence makes you an expert on nothing. And life isn't about me? You know what, fvck that, my life IS about me, and I'll be damned if somebody tries to tell me differently. I am the center of my universe, and I'm keeping it that way!
And telling someone to not go into a treatment program when it's likely the best option is potentially damaging.
But he read a book and he knew people. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
You are not a victim - you are sick. To those who say 'just stop' or 'stop being a victim', don't you think that if we could just decide to be better, we would? Can you will away cancer? Can you will away heart disease? Kindly keep your mouth shut if you have nothing valuable to offer.
Julie, this is about you and right now, you need to put you first. I'm not sure of the quantity that you are drinking, but you may need inpatient care to detox. I have a very dear friend who had seizures trying to do it on his own. Talk to your doctor, be honest and find out. Many of us have been down the road that you are on and it's a lonely place. But there is hope, there is help. Find the support you need that fits with your needs. It looks like the groups I like have been mentioned here. You are extremely brave to admit this to yourself and to all of us here. I wish I had the right words. I know it's hard, it's lonely and it just sucks. Life and the world can really just bring you down no matter how hard you try. But you do have the power. You are a powerful, independent woman who has walked this road before and you CAN do it. It is within you. Believe in yourself. Just start with today.0 -
OP:
There are a lot of red flags in your OP and your other responses. Since you are in social services, you should be aware of all of the various treatment options available to you in your area or surrounding areas. For the sake of yourself, I hope that you seek immediate treatment. You have made suicidal statements and that warrants immediate attention. Please go to the ER. (or call a crisis line-- if you are in the U.S.-- call this number Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
For the sake of your clients, I hope you take a break from providing direct service because you are not in a position to provide appropriate care.0 -
Hi Julie-
It is great that you are aware of your addiction, the next step is seeking help, which you have begun here. I applaud your courage. I think classes and inpatient would be great and probably the best way to go. I have one other suggestion which worked pretty well for me, but might not be for everyone. I used guilt to help save me from addiction. I have had problems with guilt for my whole life, and for once I used it to my benefit to quit drinking (I do indulge in wine on a rare occasion). After years of heavy drinking, I became a mother and I felt so guilty at the thought of my baby having an alcoholic mom that it made me sick (the nine months of forced sobriety helped too).
You said you have a problem with anxiety, maybe you can harness that and use it for recovery. Instead of worrying about things you can't control like traffic and causing others to relapse, worry about things you can control like your health and your relationships. Worry about what the alcohol is doing to your body and use those thoughts as a catalyst for change. This is just a thought, and may not be right for you. It is a neurotic approach to recovery but the result is what is important- this is just another means of getting there.0 -
You are not a victim - you are sick. To those who say 'just stop' or 'stop being a victim', don't you think that if we could just decide to be better, we would? Can you will away cancer? Can you will away heart disease? Kindly keep your mouth shut if you have nothing valuable to offer.
Playing devil’s advocate here.
I understand you can’t just STOP. I was there I couldn’t. It took something for me to make me stop. The key is finding that thing that has enough leverage to make you stop. Either you will find it and stop and get on a better path or you won’t. Yes programs are there to help you find it but a lot of times they also continue to enable people to play “victim” roles.
Can you will away cancer? No. But you can take the steps necessary to not incur it to begin with. i.e. don’t smoke, or put that overly processed junk food into your body.
(Yes I eat fast food on occasion. Yes I understand the risks. No I will not blame anyone but me)
Can you will away heart disease? No. But again, someone taking care of themselves properly, really what are the chances of them having it?
The thing is everyone, myself included needs to take responsibility for themselves. If everyone did that alone we’d have a quarter of the issues we have today. But then again lets cater to those who “can’t”.
P.S. Flame on!0 -
You, write very well for being an alcoholic . :happy:0
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You are not a victim - you are sick. To those who say 'just stop' or 'stop being a victim', don't you think that if we could just decide to be better, we would? Can you will away cancer? Can you will away heart disease? Kindly keep your mouth shut if you have nothing valuable to offer.
Playing devil’s advocate here.
I understand you can’t just STOP. I was there I couldn’t. It took something for me to make me stop. The key is finding that thing that has enough leverage to make you stop. Either you will find it and stop and get on a better path or you won’t. Yes programs are there to help you find it but a lot of times they also continue to enable people to play “victim” roles.
Can you will away cancer? No. But you can take the steps necessary to not incur it to begin with. i.e. don’t smoke, or put that overly processed junk food into your body.
(Yes I eat fast food on occasion. Yes I understand the risks. No I will not blame anyone but me)
Can you will away heart disease? No. But again, someone taking care of themselves properly, really what are the chances of them having it?
The thing is everyone, myself included needs to take responsibility for themselves. If everyone did that alone we’d have a quarter of the issues we have today. But then again lets cater to those who “can’t”.
P.S. Flame on!
I've known hippie non-smokers who have gotten cancer. What gives?0 -
It's the reason I cannot succeed at dieting...
Anxiety, depression, addiction, people in your life, society...I'm sorry there seems to be a lot stacked up against you. But I will tell you, none of that is outside of what you control and what you choose. Doesn't mean it is easy, but nothing in life worth having is.
Gotta agree with others that you need to take personal responsibility.
All the best.0 -
You say now you Have to go to AA well AA has totally changed my life it has given me one I normally dont tell my sobriety date but I have been without a drink or illegal drug for think 22 maybe 23 years. My wife has been in the program for 20 years she had a relapse a few years.
Maybe you need inpatient rehap for a bit. Taken out of your current life and given a different one for a few weeks anyways. I cannot say it enough got to as many meetings as you can and get to know as many people as you can theres some good people there and yes some not so good also. If you need meds get them do what you need to do to take care of yourself becouse your the only one who can do it.0
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