Stubborn wife, advice please?
Replies
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I would consult one of her trusted girlfriends for advice on her eating habits. They might be able to provide insight and support for you.0
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Get your daughter outside for exercise. Do it with or without your wife. The more she's outside playing, the less likely she is to be overweight. As for eating out at restaurants, pick places that do have decent choices for kids. A lot of places have grilled chicken and broccoli on kid's menus.
Man up and assert your equality when it comes to raising your kid. Don't leave all the decisions to your wife if it bothers you so much.0 -
I would consult one of her trusted girlfriends for advice on her eating habits. They might be able to provide insight and support for you.
I like you Sonic - but going behind a wife's back to discuss her eating habits is a recipe for disaster. Whatever insight and support he might see will be obliterated by torching the trust between husband and wife. Plus, if they are close girlfriends - they're going to tell her - oh, they're going to tell her, for sure
ETA: Sorry Monkey - My sarcasm filter was malfunctioning. ♥♥.0 -
Since the community knows very little about the actual details of your situation that would matter (wife and daughter's age, weight, daily routine's, medical history, family dynamics, etc.), there's not much anyone can do but give basic advice such as the ones found here. With that said, I do sense a tone that might make an overweight partner resist your "help." Without knowing what the two of you were like before you had a child, I'm guessing when both of you were overweight your wife didn't feel judged or looked down upon (where being overweight for a woman that is an ever-present issue). Now that you've lost all your weight you might have joined all the other judges out there. She might be resisting you and taking her daughter with her where "people love and accept you no matter what you look like." It is a sensitive issue. Right now any advice coming for you might seem like a veiled or not so veiled judgment. Maybe you do need to ask yourself some pointed questions about your family now that you've lost the weight. Of course you want them to be healthy but that's NOT necessarily saying what you want is to live a more active lifestyle with your life partner and child. Your tone either tells your wife that you envision bike rides, canoeing and camping in Yellowstone, or it tells her "I'm a little ashamed to be seen with you." The former might encourage her, the latter? No good. See how you feel and try to think of whether you are sending the wrong message about your wishes for your family. Know what motivated me to get back on the wagon? My little sister said, one afternoon, let's rent a couple bikes and go for a ride (not for any other reason but that it would be fun). One afternoon of fun gave me the bug and the rest just fell into place.0
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It's your responsibility to teach your daughter healthy choices now--not when she's 13 and overweight. If you're eating out, ask for fruit as a side instead of fries. Most places do have fruit. Or some sort of vegetable.
I would leave your wife's weight and food choices out of it and concentrate on your daughter. Your wife is going to have to make the choice herself.0 -
When my 11yo was little, he used to get mad that most restaurants did not have salad on the kids menu. He did not like the fried options, so I would ask for an extra plate and share my meal with him. Now that he is older, he orders from the regular menu. Not sure if it would work in your situation, but it's a thought.0
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Well, yeah, you do kind of sound like a food nazi.
I'm going to echo what pretty much everyone else has said. As far as your wife is concerned, she has to want to change her eating habits or it's never going to happen. And if it were me in her shoes, having someone constantly express their disapproval of my food choices would only make me stick to my guns that much more. A few years ago, when I was much larger than I am now, I ordered french fries at Steak N' Shake, and my grandma asked me, with a very critical tone, if I was going to eat ALL of those french fries. I ate all of them with a smile on my face just to prove a point. And as a smaller version of myself, I would probably do the exact same thing, because I really don't like food-shaming (or any other kind of shaming).
In your daughter's case, I do agree that you should have an equal say in what her diet consists of. However, I'm really not a fan of putting kids on diets unless it's medically necessary and a dietitian gives specific instructions. Your daughter should have access to a balanced diet and plenty of physical activity, but I think it's important to make these things part of a normal daily routine (i.e. "healthy" veggie and fruit snacks and time to play outside). Children shouldn't have to worry about what they weigh or if they're exercising enough. If she's eating a balanced diet overall, having mac and cheese or chicken strips when you go out to dinner shouldn't be a big deal.
The thing that bothers me the most (aside from calling out your wife like that) is your attitude about food. I lost 79 pounds eating pizza and burritos (among other things), and I'm definitely the healthiest I've ever been. Your emphasis should be less about which foods are "garbage" and more about your family eating a balanced diet overall. Maybe you're kinder to your wife in person that your post reflects, but attitude goes a LONG way in our relationships with people. The bottom line is, you can't make someone do what they don't want to do, but maybe your wife is being so "stubborn" because she hears your attitude louder than she hears your message.0 -
I have completely changed my eating habits over the past year, and with plenty of exercise, have lost about 68 pounds now. My wife has refused to join me in my healthy eating efforts, and often feeds herself and our three year old daughter garbage. No matter where we go out to eat, she always orders either a huge burrito or pizza, and she always gets our daughter chicken strips, mac and cheese, or mini corn dogs. Kids menus don't have many good options as it is, but I feel like we could be doing better. Whenever I say something about my wife's poor food choices, she calls me a food nazi and gets all upset. In my non-medical opinion, both my wife and daughter are overweight and putting themselves at risk for a variety of health problems, but I feel helpless to do anything about it because my wife is so stubborn. What, if anything, can I do? Am I really being too uptight, and let them eat whatever they want? Or should I be more assertive, since I am the daddy and have had success with losing weight and maintaining weight by eating healthily and exercising? I feel like this issue is so touchy for my wife, it could pull us apart. Thanks for any constructive advice you might have!
Here's my constructive advice:
As for the bolded parts,
1. Stop making comments about your wife's food choices, you sound like a food nazi.
2. Worry about yourself
3. Since you're the daddy??? Seriously, not gonna go there but being the "daddy", if you don't like the food choices your kids have, quit b*tching and do some meal prep yourself.
Again, if you don't like the food your family is choosing to eat, step up and take over meal preps for a month.
^Based on your response, I take it the OP's question struck a nerve with you. Shut up and deal with your ****. Your 3rd response was in NO WAY "constructive advice".
And in no way could "constructive advice" be considered subjective...0 -
Trying to improve eating habits to keep your family healthy is hardly being a food nazi.
Try making the healthier dinners look more appetizing / kid friendly for your daughter.
Just by typing " kid friendly food " into google… tons of ideas come up.0 -
I think that you should take over all of the meal planning and cooking. And attend your daughter's next routine checkup so that you can ask the pediatrician about the things that are worrying you.0
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Man up!
You can always offer to cook if you really want to see a change.0 -
Where did the OP go?0
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BUMP0
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Has anyone offered JBU as a solution yet?0
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You just made the change (a year ago) after how many decades? Suddenly you expect your wife to follow you on your new life path? On the topic of your daughter, you and your wife need to get on the same page or this is going to be pretty unhealthy (and I'm not talking about food) for your impressionable little one.
I read through waiting for someone to say this. I know it probably hurts you to see them eating things that you find less healthy, and that's a good emotion for a husband/father to feel. BUT... imagine if 6 months before you decided to make that life change, someone you loved had continually pushed their lifestyle on you. And not only pushed it on you, but berated you while pushing .. You obviously were not ready 6 months before your decision or you would have started then?... And had someone done it to you, you'd have become defensive and felt guilty and all the other feelings that go along with being overweight, just as she is doing now. And you being her husband makes it 1000 times worse. It's not wrong to want your wife and child to be healthy and feel better. It shows you care. But take it from someone who, "in your nonmedical opinion", is super massively overweight, even if she's not saying it, you are tearing down her self esteem like nobody else can. You're her husband, the person who is supposed to love her through everything and think she's beautiful and perfect even on her worst day. Build her up, tell her how beautiful she is, ask her nicely to join in on your activities... if she says no, be fine with it... be supportive... and maybe one day she will... but don't belittle her... you're only pushing her away from a healthier lifestyle... and inevitably, away from you. Good luck, I know it's a hard situation.0 -
if you are trying to push them, you are a food nazi
health effort should be an individual choice
If you keep pointing at them, you are probably pissing them off
Somehow, I do not think a 3 year old child is in a position to be able to make individual choices as to what food is healthy or not, lol.
:drinker:0 -
Has anyone offered JBU as a solution yet?
Just buck up?0 -
Has anyone offered JBU as a solution yet?
Just buck up?
Justify, Barter, Understand.
It's a three-step program for solutions to marital problems.
First step is to justify your behavior. You should do this with your spouse, but it's recommended that you test your justification on total internet strangers first.
Second step is to barter. Offer to trade her/him something she/he wants in return for the behavior you want them to change.
Third step is to understand.. To be understood, you must first understand. So do that first. Well, I mean, third. You know what I mean.
Anyhow, JBU.0 -
Where did the OP go?
Hiding under the coffee table if he has any sense of self preservation0 -
Has anyone offered JBU as a solution yet?
Just buck up?
Justify, Barter, Understand.
It's a three-step program for solutions to marital problems.
First step is to justify your behavior. You should do this with your spouse, but it's recommended that you test your justification on total internet strangers first.
Second step is to barter. Offer to trade her/him something she/he wants in return for the behavior you want them to change.
Third step is to understand.. To be understood, you must first understand. So do that first. Well, I mean, third. You know what I mean.
Anyhow, JBU.
Fascinating.0 -
i can relate. i have this same problem with my husband. i am so jealouse of those wives that have their husbands working out with the. My hubby is 6'1 and he weights 220, hes not fat, so he doesnt feel the need to workout. i have lost 63 lbs in the past 6 months. i have conpletley changed my lifestyle. im doing my weight loss so we can have healthy babies. 6 more lbs to go then i have reached my pre pregnancy goal weight. i know this might sound crazy. but i will not be huge during pregnancy. and after baby i am determined to be just as dedicated as i am now. if not more. but my husband doesnt like going to the gym he says its boring and he would rather be playing video games!
it is very frustrating to watch him eat foods that i once loved and can not stand to eat now!0 -
Thank you all for the advice and butt-kicking. I was in a rotten mood when I posted it, so I apologize if I came off sounding like an unkind person toward my wife. I will take all of your helpful advice and try to work constructively with my wife to create a healthy eating environment for my daughter, when we eat at home and at restaurants. This morning we discussed how most kid's menus are filled with not-so-great options, and perhaps we should just share our food with her. I will note that my wife is an excellent cook, and goes out of her way to make healthy meals at home. It's just when we eat out that I see problems. I will also try to encourage the whole family to be more active, as long as we can keep it fun. More dancing, less sitting around, etc. If I have serious concerns about my daughter's health I will talk to her pediatrician. Thanks again.0
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Thank you all for the advice and butt-kicking. I was in a rotten mood when I posted it, so I apologize if I came off sounding like an unkind person toward my wife. I will take all of your helpful advice and try to work constructively with my wife to create a healthy eating environment for my daughter, when we eat at home and at restaurants. This morning we discussed how most kid's menus are filled with not-so-great options, and perhaps we should just share our food with her. I will note that my wife is an excellent cook, and goes out of her way to make healthy meals at home. It's just when we eat out that I see problems. I will also try to encourage the whole family to be more active, as long as we can keep it fun. More dancing, less sitting around, etc. If I have serious concerns about my daughter's health I will talk to her pediatrician. Thanks again.0
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Leave her be. She needs to have her own Ah-ha moment. As far as your dtr is concerned open your mouth and discuss the issue with your spouse.0
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My advice is to go out to dinner less and cook your daughter healthy meals. Make the focus on nutrition and dot talk about weight around her. Most of all, don't ever tell her you think she is overweight. Besides, a kid that young will probably lose some of the baby fat when she has another growth spurt.
As for your wife, you can't make her diet/exercise and bringing it up to her will only make it worse. You've already made it clear to her that you want her to lose weight and feeling guilty will not motivate her. It will just make her feel hopeless. I don't even know what you can do at this point other than get over it.0 -
If your wife cooks healthy meals at home then I think when you go out let them have what they want just don't go out too often. Sorted.0
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my son and i read a book called FOOD RULES! that was awesome, although may be for older kids than her. and i often get other fun books about the science of nutrition. we made mistakes with his eating habits as a baby and toddler and still are dealing with the affects. this is helping. i agree you should be concerned with what your child is eating. you can start helping her understand what her food choices do for her body. like... these vegetables are great for your hair and also help your eyes see the beautiful things around you.... you can help your child by as people suggested, cook more. go out less. but also by sitting down and teaching her young about the WHY. and i dont mean "so you dont get fat" or "so you look better" but... this is what food is, this is what it does. and this is how your choices fuel your body machine.
you cant make your wife do anything. if i remember correctly, whenever my husband pushed me to change i just pushed back. nobody tells me what to do. it is counterproductive. when i was young my mom used the wrong tactics pushing me to diet diet diet so i wouldnt be UGLY or FAT. when what they should have been teaching was nutrition not diets.0 -
So it was ok for your wife to eat as she does when you did the same, but it aint fair now
And if you dont want your kids eating **** food when they go out, cook them dinner at home0 -
she doesn't like being told what to do, telling her what to do will make things worse.I have completely changed my eating habits over the past year, and with plenty of exercise, have lost about 68 pounds now. My wife has refused to join me in my healthy eating efforts, and often feeds herself and our three year old daughter garbage. No matter where we go out to eat, she always orders either a huge burrito or pizza, and she always gets our daughter chicken strips, mac and cheese, or mini corn dogs. Kids menus don't have many good options as it is, but I feel like we could be doing better. Whenever I say something about my wife's poor food choices, she calls me a food nazi and gets all upset. In my non-medical opinion, both my wife and daughter are overweight and putting themselves at risk for a variety of health problems, but I feel helpless to do anything about it because my wife is so stubborn. What, if anything, can I do? Am I really being too uptight, and let them eat whatever they want? Or should I be more assertive, since I am the daddy and have had success with losing weight and maintaining weight by eating healthily and exercising? I feel like this issue is so touchy for my wife, it could pull us apart. Thanks for any constructive advice you might have!
Instead of telling her anything you could try changing her environment, it's very important it doesn't come over like you are doing it to change her behaviour, she will cotton on and it will feel like being told what to do, instead make the changes appear natural in terms of what you want for you not for her. So if you are together somewhere and need to go out to eat ask if for a treat you can go to <insert healthy restaurant>. When you're watching the TV get really excited about watching a show about the latest dietary science (there seems to be a lot of these on these days). If you read something interesting, tell her, but tell her because you find it interesting not in a naggy way. Pick healthy activities to do together outdoors like hiking or camping.
The second she shows any interest in the tiniest of changes get excited in a "I'm so glad we can share this one thing" kind of way and not a "finally you're getting it" way and definitely don't act like it's not enough. The better she feels about changing one thing the more open she will become to on her own making other changes.0
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