Toxic Friend

Oi_Sunshine

Given what the OPs said and what I know about clinical depression, it's very possible that this guy is not able to make that decision because the depression is too far gone. I really don't think it's good advice to just leave him without any contact with people who can help him. I understand if the OP is feeling out of his depth, but NHS direct do take calls from peopel concerned with other people's mental health - he can call NHS direct and tell them all his concerns about this friend and they should be able to help his friend, even if he wants to step back from the friendship for a while. But with severe depression, the person can't always make a decision to get treatment like that, which is why mental health professionals will sometimes decide to intervene even if someone's refusing treatment, if they judge that person is not in a fit mental state to make decisions like that for themselves.

Whether such intervention is necessary would be the call of NHS direct- but if it is and no-one knows how ill this guy is, then no-one can help him.

^^^^ this.

Your friend cannot choose to stop bring depressed. He doesn't even care about himself, so he won't care about friends or doctors or anything. Depression is an illness and he did not choose it. Please follow this person's advice and call him some help. Tell NHS everything you have told us. Whether you continue the friendship or not is up to you. After you have called NHS, visit him, tell him what you did and that you cant keep trying to save him from his depression and isolation so when he feels like talking, he can call you. Make it clear that the next move is entirely his.

Leather_N_Lace

I recently ended a 12 year friendship because of how toxic it had become. I have some pretty serious things that are going on in my personal life and instead of being someone I could lean on, they added to the stress and heartbreak I am already feeling.
What made this decision even harder is that her boys and my boys have grown up together and are best friends.


You have to take care of you. She doesn't understand why i did what I did. Has even broadcasted that I turned my back on her.
Not the case. I gave her boundaries on what it would take for this to work. What I needed from her to continue the friendship.
She had no desire to do so.

Be honest with yourself with what you need right now to be successful.. To be the best you, you can be. Then be honest with your friend. As with any relationship, there has to be a compromise. You can show concern while you lay out your expectations. Right now he might not be able to see it, but hopefully one day..

Best of luck to you. I know truly how difficult this can be.

khara2012

I'm so sorry to hear about you and your friend. I actually am in a very similar situation. I have a friend who is very negative. She just can't help it, can't stop herself, and actually has some mental issues that she is aware of that cause some of her negativity problems. Like your friend, she just won't get help. I take that back. She will get on medication for awhile, but then she stops taking it for whatever reason she creates. Like you, I am a very positive person and being around her negativity really brings me down. If it weren't for the fact that I am the only positive friend she has who is willing to put up with her abuse, she would have nobody. That being said, there are periods when I just cannot be with her for my own sanity, and I will stay away from her for a couple of weeks, until I can handle her again. Also, as hard as it is, we do talk about her issues and how they affect me and the people around us. I actually need to have a sit down with her very soon about how she treated some co-workers last year (we are teachers) before school starts. She is about to leave for vacation, so I'm waiting until she gets back.

Bottom line, I would say put yourself first, and be honest with your friend. He has to choose how he wants to handle the problem, though. Don't beat yourself up if he chooses not to see a doctor, but you will regret not talking to him about it and trying to share your thoughts and concerns.

Good luck, friend!

DSTMT

Having been there myself with clinical depression - Maybe someone needs to make him get treatment. (not you, it's not your place, but you can alert people who can help him)... One of the problems with depression is it makes you lose your will to live or do anything, and that can make it impossible to get yourself together enough to get treatment. It sounds like he's got a serious dose of that. Are his family aware of just how ill he is? Because if someone's going to make an intervention like forcing him to get help, it should come from his family rather than a friend. If his family are not taking his illness seriously, then maybe speak to a mental health support group for further advice about how to help him.

This is an illness, it's not apathy or not wanting to change. Depression seriously messes up your brain chemistry. I agree that someone who has mental illness needs to take responsibility for it and it's only them that can do what it takes to get well (whether it's taking medication, doing therapy, or whatever) but there is a point in mental illness where you're too far gone to be able to do that, and that's why doctors will section/commit people against their will. He says he doesn't trust doctors... this refusal to get help, whether the doctor thing is an excuse or the main reason, is a serious issue... but it doesn't mean he can't be helped.

Even if you don't want to hang around with him any more (understandable if his illness has gone beyond what you can cope with), don't just leave him without trying to alert someone else who cares about him to his very poor mental state, because he's going to be even more isolated and it's like he's in a deep, black pit he can't get out of on his own, and people leaving him or giving him ultimatums isn't going to motivate him to get help, because his brain chemistry is already too messed up to do this. He'll just stay in that pit. Someone needs to know he's in there, including people who can get him out (psychiatrists etc). Contact someone in his family that he's close to and tell them how worried you are about him and that he needs help and won't get help by himself (because of his illness). If they don't take you seriously, or if they also don't know what to do about it, then contact a mental health charity/support group for further advice, and take it from there.

I completely agree with this. It's absolutely true that when a person is depressed enough they lose the will to help themselves, and it's not stubbornness or just wanting to get attention or whatever, it's because they are sick.

If a person was physically ill, would you say "geez your (cancer, stroke, etc) is really bringing me down, I have to stop being friends with you so I'm not exposed to all this negativity."? I'm not trying to be snarky honestly, and I don't mean this to come across this way, but depression is a horrible thing to experience and for a life-long friend to suddenly cut ties is not going to help anything.

If you truly love this person the best thing you can do is find ways to help him help himself. Even that action could be enough to give him the bit of push he needs to take action, just knowing that someone cares enough to put themselves out for him and make an effort in that way. If he's actively hostile towards you I could understanding wanting some distance, but he's probably not thinking clearly and you have to keep that in mind.