Men: how much does a woman's weight really matter?

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  • paulperryman
    paulperryman Posts: 839 Member
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    well as a person who has experience through this site for me it doesn't matter, i see beyond that, not gonna say i don't find "normal" weight attractive but it's the person that counts first and foremost, how you come across online, and i think i certainly found someone that i click with on many levels and i wouldn't have it any other way

    Clearly it's personal perception tho, what one person likes another might not and some people are shallow, others are not. But hard to tell from online unless you are physically talking to someone or see them face to face how do you know who you are really dealing with.
  • Fat_Chancer
    Fat_Chancer Posts: 7
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    When I read that the OP was accomplished and seeking an intelligent man I had a read of her profile out of curiosity.

    I have to say I was a little disappointed because she likes springtime and bubble baths and hates rush hour and mean people but the truly intelligent, deep thinking females are the ones that like thunderstorms but hate spiders, liars and cheats. That's what I'm after.
  • Fat_Chancer
    Fat_Chancer Posts: 7
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    I don't understand why she's assumed the only reason men aren't wanting to see her a second time is because of her weight (something that she is remedying by being here).

    Assuming she put a fairly representative photo of how she looks in her dating profile it's much more likely these men didn't want to see her a second time because they didn't enjoy her company.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    I have had a recent foray into online dating, and I am currently size 14. I am confident in myself, as I feel that I am pretty attractive and accomplished regardless of my weight. However, I notice that not getting much response from men in terms of second dates at the least, or a sense of excitement if there is a second date as I do when I'm even at a size 12. My girlfriends insist that weight isn't that big a deal in and if itself... But I don't buy it. When it comes to professional, educated men, does weight truly trump all else when it comes to dating? Am I just wasting my time even putting myself out there up until I'm back to a size 6-8?
    Hi. I know I'm very late to the thread but i will respond anyway. I've been with the same man for nine years. We met when I weighed 155 or so pounds. I'd dated two other men, one of whom I met online, for several months prior to this. The first guy I was bout 165 pounds, the second guy I was about 155. They all like me for who I am. That said, prior to meeting my current guy, I did the online dating thing. I didn't respond a second time to other people, and I also did not get a lot of second dates (some, though), but I think this all had to do with there being no connection. We are all looking for different things in a mate. My self esteem was top notch then, as it is now.

    Years ago when i was heavier, I didn't have much self esteem, so when I tried to do any dating thing, including online, my self esteem was horrible. I went into the online dating thing with an attitude that I was fat and I was going to be rejected because of it. Therefore, when I met up with these guys, I didn't project a confident self so I never gave any type of relationship, whether friendship or love, a chance. Sure, my weight played into it because there are plenty of men who don't like overweight women, but there are plenty who do.

    While this is just my experience, I realize it is not true for all people who are in the dating world. My boyfriend has been overweight since the day I met him (though he's lost about 20 now), and I wouldn't trade him for the thinnest or most buff guy in the world because he has all the qualities I love.

    Could it be that your dating experience is simply a no connection type of thing and has nothing to do with your weight? Just bringing up another perspective. :smile:
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    People are attracted to what they are attracted to....there's no use fighting it. I never faulted anybody for not being attracted to me because of my weight. It is a sad fact that fewer men are attracted to more slender women than those who either don't care or specifically attracted to larger women, but really there's nothing wrong with that. People are entitled to be attracted to whomever and whatever they please.


    *shrug*

    Jennifer,

    Here's the link to review of a book you might like: http://www.joequirk.com/Reviews.html

    It's Not You, It's Science: The Real Reason Men and Women are Different talks about the biology of relationships and attraction. Of course, people tend to take rejection personally. I have before.
  • HarleyQuinn26
    HarleyQuinn26 Posts: 158 Member
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    I was a size 20 when I met my husband online. He loves me no matter what size I am. I am currently a size 24 (was a size 26 before losing some weight) and he loves me just the same.

    If size matters to the guy then he is not worth your time. Online dating is a hit or miss too but don't be discouraged if there is no second date, this just means he wasn't the one for you.
  • scode83
    scode83 Posts: 42
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    Personally, a woman's physical condition matters a lot to me. But not that they have to be some sort of super model, but just that they should be healthy at least. I couldn't ever date someone who was in a terrible state because if they don't care about themselves enough to be healthy, I don't think anyone else can be expected to care about them. Not after perfection, just some sense of loving yourself enough to look after yourself.
  • TR0berts
    TR0berts Posts: 7,739 Member
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    When it comes to professional, educated men, does weight truly trump all else when it comes to dating? Am I just wasting my time even putting myself out there up until I'm back to a size 6-8?


    I'm an engineer - does that qualify? If so, let me put it this way - my wife is a big girl.

    Either a) the guys you're meeting are douches, or b) there's other reason(s) for them not being into you.
  • sweetsoonergirl
    sweetsoonergirl Posts: 16 Member
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    I used to feel that way too until I met my husband. I wasn't at my thinnest self ever when we first met but apparently was very confident and smiled a lot. He happened to like my legs too. At the time we met, I had just graduated nursing school and was in the process of losing my nursing school weight. About a year into our dating relationship is when I got my thinnest. Recently, I've put on some weight after losing my dad to leukemia and my husband has been understanding. He sees that I'm finally working at getting back on track and tells me not to be so hard on myself for putting on a few pounds. He appreciates me for getting dressed up for him and treating him well.

    Real men just need to be respected, and unfortunately some guys out there are just out for a booty call. After that, if he's the right man for you, his heart will grow to accept you and love you as you are. There was definitely an initial attraction when my husband and I first started dating but it took time for us to realize we love each other. Our love grows deeper every day.

    I do agree that dating websites can place too much emphasis on looks and that society places too much emphasis on women being skinny twigs. Be proud of your curves and just focus on being healthy :)
  • Iwishyouwell
    Iwishyouwell Posts: 1,888 Member
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    If I'm truly in love, little.

    If I'm in just in lust, a lot.


    That's not to say that I don't have standards when I am in love (and I am). We all have preferences. I am married and I truly believe that spouses should work to be as attractive to one another as possible, to help keep the spark alive, keep the heat turned up. But when you're in love, the deeper you go, the more attraction becomes about more than the flesh. My wife has been struggling with weight loss for years, though to a lesser degree than I have. I can objectively state that she's not physically at her most attractive, and that at her size I wouldn't necessarily try and get with her if she was a stranger. But I've loved this woman my entire adult life. My attraction to her, the way she affects my mind, my body, my soul, are entrenched in ways that far eclipse her physical appearance.

    When my wife loses the weight, I'll celebrate for her and myself. First and foremost for health, because her weight has adversely affected her health (and she's nowhere near morbidly obese). I'll celebrate because I am attracted viscerally to voluptuous, but fit, bodies (which my wife is at her ideal weight). I'll celebrate because she'll feel better about herself, more confident, and in turn that'll only make us even better.

    But even if that stuff never happened, it doesn't change the fact that I love her and I want her even now. She is my soulmate. She means everything to me. What we have can only be enhanced by being in amazing shape, but it can never be destroyed by not.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
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    Two thoughts: I imagine its as important as anything else. Is that a bad thing? No. I date men who fit my idea of attractive (which does include size/weight) and men do the same. I wouldn't date someone was unattractive to me.

    Second thought: Why do you assume your weight is the issue? Maybe it's, and I'm just spit-balling here, your personality? These dudes knew what you looked like a head of time, yeah? No misleading pictures? So why would seeing what they've already seen throw them off?
  • GuineaPiglet
    GuineaPiglet Posts: 35 Member
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    Attraction does matter....but....as far as the weight issue, taking a gander at your pics...you are one hot momma. Seriously, you are proportioned and gorgeous. In your case, I really don't think it's the weight unless you've had the misfortune of finding man after man only attracted to one certain willowy thin body type. It's been my experience that most men find a range of body types attractive. I think it's just that dating sucks. It's like trying on clothes. You bring 10 dresses into the dressing room and only a few of those will fit perfectly. You don't buy the ones that don't fit, even if the dress itself is gorgeous...you just put it back on the shelf and someone else will be along that will find it perfect. I think that's more or less what is happening here.

    I have gorgeous, hot, yoga-mom friends who have the worst time dating despite being smart, funny, successful etcetcetc.
  • meggiej14
    meggiej14 Posts: 1
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    On Tinder guys even messsage me saying why would they meet me because im fat. But then why would they say yes to my profile in the first place

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    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter
  • azymth99
    azymth99 Posts: 122 Member
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    The "number" doesn't matter much to me at all. I like curvy girls, hate to see bones sticking out and I don't think washboards on women are sexy. Two women with the exact same weight can be vastly different in their physical appearance (just like men). Its more about "where" the weight is. If I see a woman with large breasts and a booty I could really care what she weighs. Also, their confidence and how they feel about themselves makes a big difference. Women that feel sexy, convey more sensuality and are much sexier than a woman that is self-conscious and constantly bashing her own body.
  • Iwishyouwell
    Iwishyouwell Posts: 1,888 Member
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    Attraction does matter....but....as far as the weight issue, taking a gander at your pics...you are one hot momma. Seriously, you are proportioned and gorgeous. In your case, I really don't think it's the weight unless you've had the misfortune of finding man after man only attracted to one certain willowy thin body type.

    I'm really not trying to be rude here, but this is the problem with women talking for men.

    The OP is gorgeous IMO, proportioned, but based off her pictures she's a larger woman. Some men would love that, but the facts are a lot of men would not. Some men just will never be attracted to larger women. It does not mean that the men who prefer a smaller woman are only attracted to a "willowy thin body type". There is a lot of variety in shape and size between a size 14 and a size 0 (though of course most of us don't think in terms of women's sizes). In my experience too many women tend to hype each other up by talking FOR men. You can't speak for a single man, much less what men in general like. We're just as varied in our attractions as women are.

    Another thing with the OP is that her face is slimmer than her body. If I saw a picture of her on a dating site I would assume she was a pretty svelte woman. Perhaps one of the reasons she's having trouble landing a second date is that she appears smaller in her pictures than what some of these men expect when they see her in person. They're going on a date expecting to see this slim, gorgeous blonde and are perhaps a bit disappointed that her body doesn't match their assumptions based off her lean face.
  • KandGRanch
    KandGRanch Posts: 131 Member
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    My husband met me in a size 0 and has stayed to a 13.

    But people are attracted to what they're attracted to. If no second date because he doesn't like your size, find a new man-not a new size.
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member
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    I am curious how much a man's physique matters to you? How picky are you about the physical fitness of your prospects? Some people are really into physique and it is very important to them that their partner be also. Other people aren't quite as picky, as long as their partner isn't obese they don't mind, but often these people are a little loose with their own fitness from time to time. Then there is another kind of person who is very picky about having an extremely fit partner, yet somehow they are not nearly as fit as what they expect from their partner.

    This. I met my husband online 6 years ago, and we were both fit and thin. Time moved on, and we gained weight (I gained about 35, he gained about 45), and three months ago I said, "Enough. I'm not going to be overweight anymore).

    Honestly, if he'd had that extra 40 pounds when we met, I probably wouldn't have continued dating him - and he most likely would not have gone out on a second date with me. Call me shallow - don't care.

    Now though, he still revs my engine, regardless of the weight. I do want him to lose weight, though, but I do not want him to lose weight for his appearance. I want him to lose it for his health. Because I love him so damned much that I don't want him to die of a heart attack or cancer or anything else. I would be lonely without him.

    And he has lost weight simply because I have lost weight. Bottom line - health matters to me. Because once you fall in love with someone, REALLY fall in love, you don't want to lose them.
  • angie007az
    angie007az Posts: 406 Member
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    I have had a recent foray into online dating, and I am currently size 14. I am confident in myself, as I feel that I am pretty attractive and accomplished regardless of my weight. However, I notice that not getting much response from men in terms of second dates at the least, or a sense of excitement if there is a second date as I do when I'm even at a size 12. My girlfriends insist that weight isn't that big a deal in and if itself... But I don't buy it. When it comes to professional, educated men, does weight truly trump all else when it comes to dating? Am I just wasting my time even putting myself out there up until I'm back to a size 6-8?

    I met my husband in an online dating service, actually on a TV dating network. I was a size 10. Now I am at that weight again and it's driving him crazy. Does size matter, I think it does. Sure he loves me no matter what, but now he's very proud to be with me and watching every move I make. I like it. :-) I'm going for the size 8 now.
  • mikelpg
    mikelpg Posts: 1 Member
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    I have two stories about this. Number one: I had a friend a long time ago that was brutal in his critique of women and weight. These were women we'd see in bars or at work (in retail at the time). I thought he was crazy. Then one day we went to a bachelor party. Even before he was drunk every one of the "entertainers" that would come out he would act like they were the most beautiful woman in the world. I pointed out that if some of them were wearing clothes and in our store he'd be calling them names. He didn't believe me, but it was true. I remember thinking about how many women he would have found beautiful that he passed on. To me it was his loss and I felt sorry for him. The women lucked out though. Don't hide yourself out of fear. Put yourself out there and continue your journey to good health.

    Number two: My brother was calling a friend of our sister fat (she wasn't there) and my sister defended her friend. She mentioned the friend's dress size (14 I think) and my brother insisted that that size was "fat". After a few minutes of arguing my brother's girlfriend, who had been silent and to whom he was madly in love, chimed in with "I'm a size 14". My brother quickly tried to climb out of the ditch he had dug. Ten years later he is married to her with two kids. The point of both stories is that some men have arbitrary ideas in their heads that will quickly go away when confronted with reality. In this case the reality is how beautiful you are.

    The only thing I'd worry about is if a man is insecure he may try to sabotage you. Don't let that happen.

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