Nagging about saving money for IVF

MomTo3Lovez

As someone who is infertile, I can only say - people need to stay the hell out of everyone's business, honestly. If people get pregnant and have a child, how fantastic. If people adopt and give a loving home to a child, fantastic. If people want to go the medical route and try to establish a pregnancy, fantastic.

Every person has a different approach, and nobody should judge them for it, regardless of what way they are going. Medical procedures are not easy and very hard on people mentally, they shouldn't be made to feel like they are inadequate or wrong.
I've had plenty of people nagging me about adoption, quite literally as if children were stray pets on the street.

This is for me and my husband to decide, and whatever we will decide (childless/adoption), I will not take judgement from people.

She came on the internet and asked a question that involved the fact that she wanted to become pregnant through IVF.

So yes people are going to judge and give opinions about the entire situation. She shouldn't have posted if she didn't want to hear it.

True, I probably would have left out the IVF as it's no one else's business and just asked how to help save up differently then they are doing now because being that this is the internet people will give you opinions on things whether you want them or not and that's the risk you run posting on a public forum unfortunately.

laynerich15

likitisplit

LOL! I am being SELFLESS!!! You think its fun taking medications that make you crazy, giving yourself shots, going to apt's every other day? Not really, but you know what? I will do Anything to carry a child in this world. If it doesn't work with IVF, maybe its not meant to be. But no, nothing wrong with being SELFLESS

I'm still not getting how that's selfless... that's me me me me me I"LL DO ANYTHING. That has nothing to do with doing something for someone else- it's completely about doing it because that is what you want. I am in no way judging you- or thinking you're doing the wrong thing- but I am pointing out- it is selfish.

As someone who is infertile, I can only say - people need to stay the hell out of everyone's business, honestly. If people get pregnant and have a child, how fantastic. If people adopt and give a loving home to a child, fantastic. If people want to go the medical route and try to establish a pregnancy, fantastic.

Every person has a different approach, and nobody should judge them for it, regardless of what way they are going. Medical procedures are not easy and very hard on people mentally, they shouldn't be made to feel like they are inadequate or wrong.
I've had plenty of people nagging me about adoption, quite literally as if children were stray pets on the street.

This is for me and my husband to decide, and whatever we will decide (childless/adoption), I will not take judgement from people.

then you probably won't be posting on a public forum then (which is wise- because I agree with you fully)

but when you do... then- well it's fair game.

Having kids isn't a selfish act. It's a biological imperative that is one of the five things defining living organisms from the non-living. It's right up there with consuming energy and maintaining homeostasis.

Wut?

Putting your life on the line and putting all of your personal needs to the side to bring another person into the world is not selfish. Having children is not selfish unless you take somebody else's kid with out their consent. It's not selfless either. It's just part of being alive.

Eating when you are hungry is not selfish unless you are taking food from somebody else. It's not selfless. It just is part of living.

Seeking warmth when you are going to die of hypothermia isn't selfish (unless you are taking heat from somebody else). It's not selfless. It just is part of life.

Reproduction is a biological imperative. We don't, of course, HAVE to reproduce. We can choose to diet as well. But it's an organism-level activity. It isn't necessarily a choice in the way selecting a car or choosing to rent or buy is a choice.

sullus

LOL! I am being SELFLESS!!! You think its fun taking medications that make you crazy, giving yourself shots, going to apt's every other day? Not really, but you know what? I will do Anything to carry a child in this world. If it doesn't work with IVF, maybe its not meant to be. But no, nothing wrong with being SELFLESS

I'm still not getting how that's selfless... that's me me me me me I"LL DO ANYTHING. That has nothing to do with doing something for someone else- it's completely about doing it because that is what you want. I am in no way judging you- or thinking you're doing the wrong thing- but I am pointing out- it is selfish.

As someone who is infertile, I can only say - people need to stay the hell out of everyone's business, honestly. If people get pregnant and have a child, how fantastic. If people adopt and give a loving home to a child, fantastic. If people want to go the medical route and try to establish a pregnancy, fantastic.

Every person has a different approach, and nobody should judge them for it, regardless of what way they are going. Medical procedures are not easy and very hard on people mentally, they shouldn't be made to feel like they are inadequate or wrong.
I've had plenty of people nagging me about adoption, quite literally as if children were stray pets on the street.

This is for me and my husband to decide, and whatever we will decide (childless/adoption), I will not take judgement from people.

then you probably won't be posting on a public forum then (which is wise- because I agree with you fully)

but when you do... then- well it's fair game.

Having kids isn't a selfish act. It's a biological imperative that is one of the five things defining living organisms from the non-living. It's right up there with consuming energy and maintaining homeostasis.

Wut?

Putting your life on the line and putting all of your personal needs to the side to bring another person into the world is not selfish. Having children is not selfish unless you take somebody else's kid with out their consent. It's not selfless either. It's just part of being alive.

Eating when you are hungry is not selfish unless you are taking food from somebody else. It's not selfless. It just is part of living.

Seeking warmth when you are going to die of hypothermia isn't selfish (unless you are taking heat from somebody else). It's not selfless. It just is part of life.

Reproduction is a biological imperative. We don't, of course, HAVE to reproduce. We can choose to diet as well. But it's an organism-level activity. It isn't necessarily a choice in the way selecting a car or choosing to rent or buy is a choice.

The 'Wut' was about that whole .. reproduction, homeostasis, and consuming energy bit. Not about the nature of selfish vs selfless. ****, even charity is a selfish act. You give because it makes you feel like a better person. There's no such thing as selfless.

VeryKatie

It seems to me that people seem to have forgotten that the OP asked for opinions concerning financial advice... not everything else since those decisions were made already..?

Yes, but the root of the financial issue is a relationship one. So the derailment was actually the intended track of this train.

I suppose I can't judge on that... but I just thought it might be a good idea to talk about the other theme as well.

Well intentions but I feel as if the underlying issue is resolved the financial one will correct itself on its own.

But most people here are saying she should discuss their goals with her husband. I agree but it's always good to come to the table with some practical ideas so that you're not both sitting there with "I don't know how to fix this" looks on your face. Based on a post I made earlier and her PM to me, she likes the idea of the cash envelopes and is intending on running the idea past him. So that's a start. This way, she will be more prepared to move forward - to discuss relationship if he's hesitant or to discuss money if he's willing.

MireyGal76

It seems to me that people seem to have forgotten that the OP asked for opinions concerning financial advice... not everything else since those decisions were made already..?

Yes, but the root of the financial issue is a relationship one. So the derailment was actually the intended track of this train.

I suppose I can't judge on that... but I just thought it might be a good idea to talk about the other theme as well.

Well intentions but I feel as if the underlying issue is resolved the financial one will correct itself on its own.

But most people here are saying she should discuss their goals with her husband. I agree but it's always good to come to the table with some practical ideas so that you're not both sitting there with "I don't know how to fix this" looks on your face. Based on a post I made earlier and her PM to me, she likes the idea of the cash envelopes and is intending on running the idea past him. So that's a start. This way, she will be more prepared to move forward - to discuss relationship if he's hesitant or to discuss money if he's willing.

oh, but it is much more fun to bash her, deem her as pig headed and selfish, and assume their marriage is falling apart and they shouldn't breed.
/sarc

Sometimes, a discussion is best held when you have a few possible solutions in mind. The OP has gotten a lot of those and now she and her hubby can sit down and discuss options together.

If I were here, would I have posted this thread? Hell no! But she did, and has been pretty decent at managing the "non snarky feedback" she's received. (Because no one on this thread has been in any way unkind, rude, or sarcastic. /sarc)

_KitKat_

Finally read every post, here's my take for what it's worth......

OP some great ideas were in this thread, most importantly talking with your husband about why his actions are not reflecting his desires.

As for IVF my sister and her husband tried conceiving for 7 years, she has no physical issues and he had a poor sperm count. He wanted a child more than anything. They tried AI, didn't work. Then they tried IVF, it almost destroyed them....her mood became awful, she constantly felt sick. Without meaning too, some resentment built up because she was suffering for their dream due to his medical issue. After years of IVF and false hopes they gave up. Sperm banks were brought up but he didn't want the kids to be hers and not his. He didn't want to adopt at first because he wanted "his" own kids. They finally did go for adoption, when she explained IVF was not going to happen again, she couldn't handle it and it made her miserable. Long story short they adopted through the state. It took about 10 months before they got my nephew at 5 months old, just this year (year later) they adopted my beautiful neice at 2 months old but with her my sister even got to have a hospital stay and share a postpartum room with my neice. The hardest thing was coming home without her, but legalities forced a 2 month wait. They have a beautiful family and both of those babies are their "own". I have never seen my BIL happier.

Moral of the story, adopting is a great choice and if financially saving for conception is driving you to seek advice on your husband, IVF is incredibly straining on a relationship. You both may need time off from baby planning and then figure out the financial part after that your relationship will have better odds of standing up to IVF.