Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!

Hope2BFit81

Here's the situation:

I have a 8 year old daughter and we just moved in with my boyfriend, who has two kids ages 5 and 7. We moved in around the beginning of June, so it's been over 2 months. Before we moved here, she has stayed over plenty of times and things have been fine. We had to rearrange some things to make room, and it resulted in her having her own bedroom and the boys sharing. Her room is down the hall, the boys' room is across from our room.

Ever since we officially moved in and she has her own room, she has a fit of separation anxiety at night. I know it's my fault, because after I got divorced, my income was limited and the only thing I could afford was something with 1 bedroom. So for nearly 3 years we shared. And now I'm paying the price. We all are. She carries on for hours keeping everyone else awake.

She also thinks having medicine will help her sleep, so she makes up aches and pains and cries about that, but only at bedtime. The rest of the day she is totally fine. These things don't come up until it's time for bed. I'm at my wits end, I don't know what else to do. I've started taking things away from her, her privileges and things she likes to do. Any suggestions if you've been here or something I'm not thinking of.

Great first post! I didn't know where else to turn to! I've been a member before but recently rejoined. Please HELP!

Thanks!

leadslinger17

We have always had some kind of sleeping issue with our kids. When my oldest was little he would wake up all the time nursing, then as a toddler night terrors (which really suck). Our youngest did great as a baby, but then as a 4 year old wakes up and comes into bed with us. So I sympathize. And don't feel bad like you screwed up sharing the bedroom, you do what you have to, she will grow out of it.

8 seems a little old, but you could try something we had to do with our 4 year old. One of us reads books with him then we will lay there with him until he falls asleep. Sometimes it's just for a little while and if it's taking too long, I'll pull the "I'll be right back I need to let the dog out" or "I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" and when I come back he's already asleep. Of course this too will be a thing we'll have to ween him off of soon, but if she is keeping you guys up for hours, snuggling for 15-20 minutes or so seems like the lesser of two evils. When we have a babysitter he seems to just accept that we aren't there and goes to sleep on his own.

Also, the kids are all young enough that it shouldn't be an issue you could always try her sharing a room with one or both of the boys. Maybe not being alone will be enough to make her feel better.

JenAndSome

I would feel a lot differently about this if she were four. She's 8. She needs to learn to deal with it. If it is truly separation anxiety and is this severe I would say counseling may help. Knowing my 7 and 8 year old kids though, it sounds like she is just seeking attention. You just have to be consistent. Bedtime is bedtime and she will adapt. If you can have pets maybe get her a cat or something to keep her company in her room, if not try a new stuffed animal. Also, if she doesn't already take one, now would be a good time to start a daily vitamin since she wants medicine to go to bed anyways.

Hope2BFit81

I know that she's too old to be acting like this. She doesn't do this at her dad's or at her grandpa and grandma's. I definitely think it's a mix of separation anxiety and need for attention. She does stay active all day and she should be exhausted at night. We have 8 acres, she swims all day, jumps on the trampoline, runs around like a kid, rides the 4-wheeler, etc. There's no reason she shouldn't be totally wiped out at the end of the day. I've thought about laying with her, but as you said, that's another thing we'll have to wean her off of. As for sleeping in the other kids' room, I see that as a reward for GOOD behavior. She will not get rewarded for bad behavior. It is a privilege. If she can do good, I will let her sleep in with them one night on the weekends. What we're doing right now is just closing our door and ignoring her. We are treating her like an infant or a new puppy.

I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to. She has a night light, which the younger kids don't even require. I know the room is foreign to her, but after 2 months, it really shouldn't be this extreme.

As for the vitamin at night, I do love the idea, but I don't want to make her think that getting medicine at bed time is ok. It will have the placebo effect on her, but I don't want to get her into the habit of that. And also, she will still be her getting her way. She is not the one who should be making the rules of bedtime.

I feel bad ignoring her, but I feel like that's the only option left. Ignore her and take away her privileges as long as it continues.

ninerbuff

Just my opinion.

She's already seen separation and what it does to people. Her view could be that her "separation" from you now is permanent and not temporary like when she stays over with other relatives (sounds like grandpa and grandma are separated too?). Probably needs reassuring that you're not leaving her on her own.

A.C.E. Certified Group Fitness and Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

impyimpyaj

You just moved in with your boyfriend, which is a big change. You put her in her own room, away from you. She's now the only person in the family who has to sleep alone. And when she's upset about that, you shut the door and ignore her.

I understand your reasoning in doing that, but think about things from her perspective. She feels replaced and shunned in favor of your boyfriend. I think you might want to consider doing more things all together, as a family, to show that she's not being kicked out on her own. Maybe leave everyone's bedroom doors open for a while, so it doesn't feel like she's closed off from everyone. And if it continues, counseling might be a good option.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

While she is 8 she is still a child and these kind of family changes can be hard. But she's 8. She should understand logic. Sit her down and talk about it. Brainstorm ideas that will make her feel more comfortable in her room (a lamp, a new blanket, some music that plays softly, etc). Get her to come up with some ideas and promise you that if you let her have it she'll agree to stay in her bed and quiet after bedtime. Then if she's up remind her about the agreement, give her a few warnings and reminders that she agreed to whatever it is and hopefully it'll stick. If not after maybe 3 warnings you take the agreed upon thing away for a while and then try again.

skippygirlsmom

Just my opinion.

She's already seen separation and what it does to people. Her view could be that her "separation" from you now is permanent and not temporary like when she stays over with other relatives (sounds like grandpa and grandma are separated too?). Probably needs reassuring that you're not leaving her on her own.

A.C.E. Certified Group Fitness and Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

this ^ plus, you get to sleep with someone, the boys get to sleep with someone and she is all alone in her room. I'm sure she feels left out. I don't think she's "too old" to be going through this, she has had you to herself, sleeping in the same bed as you and now you are gone. I agree she needs reassurance that you are not leaving her. Lots of changes, new home, new "brothers" new "father" in the house. That is a lot for a child. Get a new nighttime routine with her, bath, hair brushing, reading, lay with her for a few minutes and then to sleep. Just like a smaller child, try to keep bedtime peaceful for her. Perhaps let her pick out a new doll or stuffed animal that can be her bed partner so she has someone special in her room too. Good luck.

jennybinney1987

I would say just keep at keep consistent. I know its hard mama. my daughter went threw the same thing when she finally got her own room!! it took awhile but I just kept at it and she finally fell asleep.
if u r givin her meds, what kind r u giving her? my DOCTOR recommended giving my kids melatonin. if u r gonna give her some meds at nite y not something that naturally works with her body to help her fall asleep. I give it to my children sometimes. they have chewable and capsules.
I also used a behavior chart. if u want more info on this message me and ill tell u exactly what I did. It has turned my children's behaviors around TRAMIDESLY!!!
best of luck mama, I know its hard but stick with it. it'll get better

TheVirgoddess

I'd let her sleep on the floor for a while. She's just gone through some HUGE changes - she's probably feeling insecure. Slowly encourage her back to her own room and treat her with things when she succeeds (a new book, or a special date night with you).

I'd talk to her ped about it, maybe see if you can use something like Hylands Calms Forte for kids (a bit of melatonin to help start the sleep cycle).

I would NOT be angry or forceful with her. Yeah she's "old enough" to sleep alone, but age doesn't really matter when we're dealing with serious changes and emotions.

Good luck.

impyimpyaj

... age doesn't really matter when we're dealing with serious changes and emotions.

THIS.

Grown adults have major reactions to big life changes. She's not being "bad," she's expressing a feeling that she might not know how to put into words.

126siany

I'm wondering if you have any sort of bedtime routine with her where the two of you spend some time together reading, etc. That might help with her feelings of displacement/competition with all the new family members and changes in routine.

msf74

While she is 8 she is still a child and these kind of family changes can be hard. But she's 8. She should understand logic. Sit her down and talk about it. Brainstorm ideas that will make her feel more comfortable in her room (a lamp, a new blanket, some music that plays softly, etc). Get her to come up with some ideas and promise you that if you let her have it she'll agree to stay in her bed and quiet after bedtime. Then if she's up remind her about the agreement, give her a few warnings and reminders that she agreed to whatever it is and hopefully it'll stick. If not after maybe 3 warnings you take the agreed upon thing away for a while and then try again.

This is terrific advice in my opinion.

Don't punish her for what is to be expected. Help her work through it, ideally as a family unit if possible.

rml_16

It's more than just sleeping in a separate room. These are major life changes. She's only 8. I highly recommend family counseling to help her adjust.

QuietBloom

Just my opinion.

She's already seen separation and what it does to people. Her view could be that her "separation" from you now is permanent and not temporary like when she stays over with other relatives (sounds like grandpa and grandma are separated too?). Probably needs reassuring that you're not leaving her on her own.

A.C.E. Certified Group Fitness and Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

this ^ plus, you get to sleep with someone, the boys get to sleep with someone and she is all alone in her room. I'm sure she feels left out. I don't think she's "too old" to be going through this, she has had you to herself, sleeping in the same bed as you and now you are gone. I agree she needs reassurance that you are not leaving her. Lots of changes, new home, new "brothers" new "father" in the house. That is a lot for a child. Get a new nighttime routine with her, bath, hair brushing, reading, lay with her for a few minutes and then to sleep. Just like a smaller child, try to keep bedtime peaceful for her. Perhaps let her pick out a new doll or stuffed animal that can be her bed partner so she has someone special in her room too. Good luck.

I agree with both posts. I went through this exact thing with my daughter. My husband was understanding about it. I ended up in a sleeping bag on her floor until he came woke me up at some time in the night. I only had to do that for a few weeks until she got used to her room. Keeping the doors open is a great idea, and allow her to climb into your side of the bed if she wakes up at night and needs to. My daughter is now 10, and still comes and crawls into bed with me if she has a nightmare. My own parents did that for me as I was an anxious kid. Of course there will be times when your door is appropriately locked.

deluxmary2000

I think you need to stop treating this as a "behavior" problem. She is still very much a child, and up until recently she slept with you. Now she's all alone, and it sounds like she's scared. Shutting the door on her and punishing her like she's misbehaving is probably only making the problem worse.
I second that you should lay with her for awhile until she adjusts. Cuddle. Read books. Enjoy the time with her (just the two of you). You can slowly wean yourself off of that once she has settled in.

skippygirlsmom

What we're doing right now is just closing our door and ignoring her. We are treating her like an infant or a new puppy.

I feel bad ignoring her, but I feel like that's the only option left. Ignore her and take away her privileges as long as it continues.

I just re-read this, honestly these two sentences make me so sad. My daughter at about the same age went through something awful, we were at an airshow and there was an accident, a boy her age near her was killed. She wasn't with me I was working and she was with my friend. For weeks she would not let me out of her sight, she was scared that something would happen to me. I tried to ignore her, to tell her she couldn't sleep me with, I couldn't even go into the bathroom without her. If I went in the garage and didn't tell her I could hear her screaming in the house in panic because she couldn't find me. Finally we went to a therapist who made it perfectly clear to me it was MY JOB to make her feel safe, it was MY JOB to make her little life normal again, not hers. So for a few months, she slept with me when she wanted and talked to me while I was in the bathroom LOL she was attached at the hip was it a pain in my butt, you know it was but it was what she needed from me. In time she was back to herself. Try to keep that in mind when you are taking privileges away, at 8 she is still a little girl.

Mikkimeow

She has just had a giant change. I am honestly having a difficult time not judging you. That is an 8 year old child. You just close the door and ignore her, and take things away? It sounds like your family need counseling, maybe to work through what an appropriate reaction is to things. It sounds like your daughter is crying out for help, and you are ignoring it.

rml_16

I cannot believe you're taking privileges away for this! Seriously, family therapy -- you, your daughter, your boyfriend and his kids. You need professional guidance. You're not handling it even close to correctly. She's 8. You got divorced and now you've moved her in with a stranger (and, yes, he's a stranger).

Everything about her life -- access to you, routine, sleeping arrangements, EVERYTHING has changed.

carpetbagger12000

Get her a pet. A puppy. A kitten. Something that she is responsible for (although ultimately you will end up looking after it) and who will lavish unconditional affection on her. Also, a cup of chamomile tea before bed might calm her enough to get to sleep.

askeates

Lots of really great advice!

Beyond sleeping in the same room with her, was there something special the 2 of you used to do together at bedtime? I know with my 2 older children we had a bedtime routine that worked until my daughter turned 13, and my son turned 12.

With my daughter we would go into her room together, talk about the things that happened during the day (even things that may have been discussed earlier in the evening), things that were planned for the next day, read together, watch a show together. After 15 minutes I would tell her to roll over and she would go right to sleep.

With my son, we read together, talked about the things planned for the week, then I would tell him to roll over and he would go to sleep after a little bit more time.

There may be something like that to help her feel special and like it's still the 2 of you.... Remember she has been through a tremendous amount of change... for an adult 2 months is more than enough time to adjust, for a child (no matter the age) it often times takes a considerably longer amount of time! She may very well be feeling like an outsider (like a couple other people have mentioned), remember this isn't really her house yet. The 2 of you moved into another families space, and they already have routines and comfort established.

If you cannot find something together that helps her, it may very well be a sign that she needs someone outside of the family to talk to. And remember, patience really is key when dealing with children. I know there are times it is a HUGE struggle, but they respond much better to patience than to frustration, anger, and being ignored.

Best of luck to you!

rml_16

Get her a pet. A puppy. A kitten. Something that she is responsible for (although ultimately you will end up looking after it) and who will lavish unconditional affection on her.

No.

delicious_cocktail

I recommend against punishing her for these feelings and for her actions. She is not "misbehaving", she is distraught. Support her, love her, reinforce for her that she is the star in your sky and your number one priority. All of that, not because it will solve the problems necessarily, but because those are a good prescription regardless. Be patient and kind and if things are not improving, consider therapy for one of you or both of you - - to work with a professional who might be able to get to the root of her problems.

UsedToBeHusky

You probably won't like my advice, but I think a couple of therapy sessions with a child psychologist might help a lot here. Divorce can be devastating on a child. Being so close to you at night was a comfort for her. You have taken that comfort away. She has to learn to become independent. A psychologist can help her understand and ease into independence.

srslybritt

Kids don't generally just become anxious. You need to understand that you have upended her entire life. Everything has changed and she's not sure where she fits anymore. How about being a bit more compassionate and asking her, directly and one-on-one what you can do to help her?

I second family therapy. Your little girl's peace of mind is YOUR job, not hers. YOU, as the parent, are supposed to make her feel safe. She obviously does not feel secure right now, and you ignoring her isn't doing anything to help that.

ETA: As for a pet, no. Just no. Maybe once everything is settled and she's able to function on her own again. But adding an animal to this isn't fair to you, her, your new family, OR the animal. Straighten out your human issues before adding animal issues.

ItsMeBlue

staying someplace, then moving into someplace are two different scenarios. you have to think like a kid in her situation. she lost a family unit. and chances are she may think shes partially responsible. visiting prior to moving in, she knew she always could go home..there was a definite end to the visit...now she is in a place that isn't "hers" no matter how much you try to make it "hers"..and she is having to share ALL her mommy time with others, with no choice in the matter. that's enough to make a kid go crazy...I know, I came from one of those....but to shut the door to her and ignore her pain is showing her her worth is less than an animal. i am not trying to down you, nobody gives us a manual when our kids are born on exactly what to do in all situations, but keep in mind that you cannot eliminate all possibilities when you have a broken marriage and kids are involved. she needs time to adapt to this new situation, after all, the boys are still in their "home"..she isn't. Pray about it, and seek Godly counsel. God bless you and hug that baby!

firstsip

What, she's too old to be upset at this major life change after what sound like some years of stress for her? She's too upset to be trying to cope in ways that someone without a not fully developed brain is likely to do? Her taking to cold medicine as a sleep aide is also concerning and potentially dangerous if she gets into that (or other substances) to try and help her sleep (which clearly she's having issues with).

Counseling. 100%. Punishing her will set her up for years of potential issues for her, ranging from suppression of all feelings (unhealthy) to self-hate (for feeling emotions but being told they're inappropriate).

ETA:

I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to.

is a horrifying statement to see about an eight year old.

delicious_cocktail

What, she's too old to be upset at this major life change after what sound like some years of stress for her? She's too upset to be trying to cope in ways that someone without a not fully developed brain is likely to do? Her taking to cold medicine as a sleep aide is also concerning and potentially dangerous if she gets into that (or other substances) to try and help her sleep (which clearly she's having issues with).

Counseling. 100%. Punishing her will set her up for years of potential issues for her, ranging from suppression of all feelings (unhealthy) to self-hate (for feeling emotions but being told they're inappropriate).

I provide no medical advice here but melatonin is a much, much safer non-habit forming sleep aid that you should research and consult your pediatrician about employing.

srslybritt

ETA:

I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to.

is a horrifying statement to see about an eight year old.

^^^ Quoted for emphasis. See a doctor or therapist of some kind before drawing these conclusions, please.

LoneWolf_70

ur gonna have to tough it out and make her sleep on her own, no meds and put your foot down. it will be painful for about a week. nut up.

sixout

Have you tried removing her mother? That might work.