Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!

rml_16

Parenting advice 101:

When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.

Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.

Uh, adolescence is another name for young adulthood/teenage years. An eight year old is not an adolescent--they are a child.

No kidding. he skipped an entire age range there. She's almost a baby still.

Hope2BFit81

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

k8blujay2

I don't know... I just have a 3 year old... but even when she was an infant and we were sleep training her or crate training the dog... I wouldn't totally ignore them if they were whining and fussing... and while some whining warrants taking things away... I usually try to find out where the whining is coming from... Just from reading your posts, there is more going on than just being insolant... In my limited experience as a parent, usually finding out why they are whining, fussing and otherwise carrying on and solving that problem typically takes care of the behavior you don't want.

msf74

As a teacher and a mom of three, I would say her nighttime issues are a cry for help from you. She is going through a lot. From her perspective, she has lost you, and the time many of us most acutely feel loss is at night, when we are alone with our thoughts.

I would be patient with her. Begin with a conversation-- I will always love you, I am here if you need me, etc. Spend one-on-one time with her during the day. Help her feel the security of your relationship is intact.

Then, maybe allow her a new set of sheets or stuffed animal. Dress her animal in one of your t-shirts or something to be silly, but it will comfort her. Then, I would definitely try a "just you girls" bedtime routine-- read her a couple of books, and maybe sit by her bed until she feels drowsy. Maybe for the first week you stay until she is asleep...especially if she is not used to falling asleep without you. Second week, leave when she is drowsy, etc. I would not do two things: bring her to bed with you, or ignore her when she screams for you. An eight year old undergoing significant change with no other issues does not behave this way for no reason, would you agree?

If your boyfriend objects, please let him know this investment is to make sure she arrives into this newly blended family securely. She is bound to have some problems and may direct her anger (unknowingly or unwittingly) god knows where.

It may be helpful for you to talk to her pediatrician or a child therapist for ideas for making the transition easier. You are a good mom for looking for a way to help her! You will both be just fine

This advice is excellent. Please heed it.

x2

Velum_cado

Behaviour always communicates feelings. I'd work on getting to the bottom of those feelings. Have you talked to her about her anxiety?

In the meantime, I'd focus more on rewarding positive behaviour instead of punishing how she's handling the new sleeping arrangements. Some kind of reward chart might work - Like, after a week of going to bed without issues, she gets to pick somewhere to go for a day out. That type of thing.

k1431

I agree that getting her a pet (she won't be alone, it needs her, loves her, etc) would be perfect! A cat or dog would be great for her..

rebeccaplatt21

... age doesn't really matter when we're dealing with serious changes and emotions.

THIS.

Grown adults have major reactions to big life changes. She's not being "bad," she's expressing a feeling that she might not know how to put into words.

totally this. ^^ instead of taking things away, set up rewards.

srslybritt

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

Thank you for putting on big girl panties and taking the advice like a champ. Also, for not getting butthurt when you got replies that weren't rainbows and gumdrops.

I hope you are able to settle this with your daughter, sincerely. Counseling will probably make a world of difference.

rml_16

From her perspective, she has lost you, and the time many of us most acutely feel loss is at night, when we are alone with our thoughts.

So much this. My parents had a lousy marriage. They fought constantly and were just never happy. I always knew they loved me and they were together until I was 17, so I didn't go through this kind of upheaval, but my childhood was tough for other reasons and nighttime was always a challenge. I think I slept with a light on (not a nightlight, but a full-on bedroom light) until I was 9 or 10. I was scared to death to be alone in a dark bedroom with a closed door.

I was fine during the day, had lots of friends, was active and happy. But nighttime was very difficult.

ETA: I never really thought about it before reading your post!

Mikkimeow

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

It sounds like you were really looking for help. That doesn't happen much on here OP. I hope you and your daughter can work through this with love and acceptance.

LoraF83

I agree that getting her a pet (she won't be alone, it needs her, loves her, etc) would be perfect! A cat or dog would be great for her..

But what happens when she doesn't receive that love from the pet? Not all dogs and cats turn out to be cuddly. Then, she just has another form of rejection to deal with. It would be better if mom stepped up and took care of her daughter's emotional needs, rather than substituting an animal.

I just read the OPs follow up, and I commend you for hearing the advice you were given. Please go to counseling with her. Even if only for a couple of sessions. And be patient with her. She's just a little girl.

GodMomKim

While she is 8 she is still a child and these kind of family changes can be hard. But she's 8. She should understand logic. Sit her down and talk about it. Brainstorm ideas that will make her feel more comfortable in her room (a lamp, a new blanket, some music that plays softly, etc). Get her to come up with some ideas and promise you that if you let her have it she'll agree to stay in her bed and quiet after bedtime. Then if she's up remind her about the agreement, give her a few warnings and reminders that she agreed to whatever it is and hopefully it'll stick. If not after maybe 3 warnings you take the agreed upon thing away for a while and then try again.

This is perfect, I get your logic OP but she has needs that are not being met; and it doesn't sound (from one short post) that she has told you what her needs are - you are just "guessing" I am always amazed at how much a kid will tell you if you ask and just be quiet and let them talk....

Polishprincess83

I know all about the sleep issue at night. Give your daughter time. If this does continue try a family/personal counselor. There maybe an under lying issue other than separation anxiety. Get her into a nightly routine when it is bed time.Try reading or singing to her before she goes to bed. My son who is 5 has Autism so, I know about the keeping everyone awake at night. He often cries out in his sleep keeping everyone awake. I can sympathize.

rachelrb85

Have you tried, oh I don't know, talking to her about it? She's not just a little child that you can still change and develop their nighttime habits. She's old enough to have a conversation and tell you what's wrong. Try to sympathize with her, that girl has been through a lot and her world has been turned upside down. And you repay her by punishing her and revoking her privileges? Have a conservation with her when it's just the two of you and she's calm and happy. See what you can do to better understand her and help her. Come up with suggestions to get her more comfortable to go to bed, maybe reading or telling stories with either just the two of you or together as a family. If all else fails, family therapy should help you.

rml_16

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

Thank you for coming back and explaining. It does sound like counseling might be the only road left for you and a good child or family psychologist will be able to guide you through this. Also talk to her doctor.

GrasslandFairy

I would reccomend a mommy/daughter day. Spend one whole day with her, remind her you love her, that you're there for her, and you always will be. Sit with her a bit at night if she needs it, and stop punishing her for her feelings. Children have to learn to cope with feelings, it doesn't just come by being ignored. Therapy may help, or at the least set up an appointment with her school counselor, it may not be school related, but they are able to help children with more than school problems.

srslybritt

I agree that getting her a pet (she won't be alone, it needs her, loves her, etc) would be perfect! A cat or dog would be great for her..

No. Not fair to expect an animal to make up for whatever love this little girl (feels like she) is missing from other sources. Not fair to an animal to bring it into an unsteady situation. Not fair for the humans that have to take care of said animal.

Sorry, just not good advice. Situations like this are how so many good pets end up in shelters. Mom and dad think Susie needs a kitty because she's "lonely," and then when the kitty doesn't suit their needs, kitty gets surrendered.

rml_16

I agree that getting her a pet (she won't be alone, it needs her, loves her, etc) would be perfect! A cat or dog would be great for her..

NO! NO! NO!

This is not why you bring living, breathing, needful animals into your home! Do not do this!

andibenoit

You just moved in with your boyfriend, which is a big change. You put her in her own room, away from you. She's now the only person in the family who has to sleep alone. And when she's upset about that, you shut the door and ignore her.

I understand your reasoning in doing that, but think about things from her perspective. She feels replaced and shunned in favor of your boyfriend. I think you might want to consider doing more things all together, as a family, to show that she's not being kicked out on her own. Maybe leave everyone's bedroom doors open for a while, so it doesn't feel like she's closed off from everyone. And if it continues, counseling might be a good option.

Best answer I've seen so far... Kids don't react like adults, and punishing her instead of talking to her and acknowledging that her feelings are valid (they are valid, her entire life has changed in a short period of time) only serves to point out to her (seeing how she's seeing things with a child's mind) that she doesn't matter.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

OP, your responses have made me so very sad. Sadder than the first post, that's for sure.

Your daughter has been though a pretty significant life change (that sleepovers or time with her dad/grandma's would prepare her for), she's failing to adapt and you are treating her like a puppy and punishing her. That's shocking and horrifying to me.

Your daughter needs to talk to a counselor and you need a parenting course.

She is in a new house, suddenly has siblings, and a stepparent. That is a lot to navigate for an 8 year old.