Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!
Replies
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You just moved in with your boyfriend, which is a big change. You put her in her own room, away from you. She's now the only person in the family who has to sleep alone. And when she's upset about that, you shut the door and ignore her.
I understand your reasoning in doing that, but think about things from her perspective. She feels replaced and shunned in favor of your boyfriend. I think you might want to consider doing more things all together, as a family, to show that she's not being kicked out on her own. Maybe leave everyone's bedroom doors open for a while, so it doesn't feel like she's closed off from everyone. And if it continues, counseling might be a good option.
This was my first thought. The boys are across from you, you are with your boyfriend, she is alone and away. Perception is everything. She may perceive that you have separated her from the family.
She is eight, but she is only eight and may have fears about sleeping alone.0 -
Just my opinion.
She's already seen separation and what it does to people. Her view could be that her "separation" from you now is permanent and not temporary like when she stays over with other relatives (sounds like grandpa and grandma are separated too?). Probably needs reassuring that you're not leaving her on her own.
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this ^ plus, you get to sleep with someone, the boys get to sleep with someone and she is all alone in her room. I'm sure she feels left out. I don't think she's "too old" to be going through this, she has had you to herself, sleeping in the same bed as you and now you are gone. I agree she needs reassurance that you are not leaving her. Lots of changes, new home, new "brothers" new "father" in the house. That is a lot for a child. Get a new nighttime routine with her, bath, hair brushing, reading, lay with her for a few minutes and then to sleep. Just like a smaller child, try to keep bedtime peaceful for her. Perhaps let her pick out a new doll or stuffed animal that can be her bed partner so she has someone special in her room too. Good luck.
I agree with both posts. I went through this exact thing with my daughter. My husband was understanding about it. I ended up in a sleeping bag on her floor until he came woke me up at some time in the night. I only had to do that for a few weeks until she got used to her room. Keeping the doors open is a great idea, and allow her to climb into your side of the bed if she wakes up at night and needs to. My daughter is now 10, and still comes and crawls into bed with me if she has a nightmare. My own parents did that for me as I was an anxious kid. Of course there will be times when your door is appropriately locked.
I definitely agree with this. She is feeling left out and scared-- she's in a new home, with new people, everyone is sharing a room but her....too much for her to adjust to at a young age, she's had you to herself for the last 3 years...and now someone else gets to sleep beside her mom. I think that taking turns sleeping on the floor or just laying with her at night will help ease her and keep her from being afraid and alone. She needs to know that everyone has her best interest in mind and that you are not leaving her or punishing her. If you don't already have a bedtime routine maybe now is the time to create one--something that would be just for you two. If she doesn't seem to be adjusting, then I say speak with a counselor, sometimes there's more going on than we realize.
Good Luck to you both!0 -
I know that she's too old to be acting like this. She doesn't do this at her dad's or at her grandpa and grandma's. I definitely think it's a mix of separation anxiety and need for attention. She does stay active all day and she should be exhausted at night. We have 8 acres, she swims all day, jumps on the trampoline, runs around like a kid, rides the 4-wheeler, etc. There's no reason she shouldn't be totally wiped out at the end of the day. I've thought about laying with her, but as you said, that's another thing we'll have to wean her off of. As for sleeping in the other kids' room, I see that as a reward for GOOD behavior. She will not get rewarded for bad behavior. It is a privilege. If she can do good, I will let her sleep in with them one night on the weekends. What we're doing right now is just closing our door and ignoring her. We are treating her like an infant or a new puppy.
I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to. She has a night light, which the younger kids don't even require. I know the room is foreign to her, but after 2 months, it really shouldn't be this extreme.
As for the vitamin at night, I do love the idea, but I don't want to make her think that getting medicine at bed time is ok. It will have the placebo effect on her, but I don't want to get her into the habit of that. And also, she will still be her getting her way. She is not the one who should be making the rules of bedtime.
I feel bad ignoring her, but I feel like that's the only option left. Ignore her and take away her privileges as long as it continues.
I just keep rereading this, hoping I missed some giant joke. You say you treat her like an infant or puppy. I wouldn't let an infant or puppy just lay and cry at night. Because that means I would be neglecting my responsibility, which is what you are doing. This child isn't being spiteful, she is reaching out. What a giant, horrible change you have brought on her, then continued by taking the things she enjoys away. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.0 -
I went through a very simliar scenario with my son, when my fiance moved in.
1. He always whined he needed "medicine' didn't give it of course unless it was clear he was ill
2. we had to ween him out of my bed. It was a pain but we did it.
The thing is parenting can be hard there are going to be tears. But you need to start. When you spoil or pamper your children too much they become even older children who still can't act right0 -
The thing is parenting can be hard there are going to be tears. But you need to start. When you spoil or pamper your children too much they become even older children who still can't act right
QFTMFT!!!!!!!!!0 -
Every child is different and only you (momma) know if she is doing this to be "bad" or not. Children are very smart in a lot of ways. Instead of understanding logic and just coming to you to express how they feel or even just asking you for what they want..... they look for ways to ,in a since, "manipulate" the adults in there lives to do or give them what they want. To me?.....this is what this sounds like to me. A big change just happened in her life and she feels that, you as her momma (maybe her one constant?) is drifting away from her. There's lots of things you can do......get her a pet?, a new stuffed animal or read to her, talk to her about how you feel on this on a more one on one level, Maybe you could even have your bf talk to her by him self and maybe thank her for letting in into yalls life or something. Let her know that yall are going to be a family or something along those lines.......but in the end I think that as parents we get caught up in our lives and we just remember how easy we had it as a child and think that that goes for our children too. Kids are different today than when I was a kid. They know more at an earlier age too. Best of luck to you and your daughter.......0
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If traditional discipline is not working, then there is a greater psychological need at present. You can only address psychological need with MORE nurturing, not LESS.
I would suggest establishing a protected "mommy and me" time to her bedtime routine. The two of you should not be disturbed during this time. Reassure her that you are not far away from her and are available to her at any time during the night.
I'm not sure how much influence your boyfriend has had on your approach to addressing this problem, but if you are ever going to become a complete functioning family unit, then he has to understand that your child's needs are as important as his and his children's needs. Compassion is really the only way to address this problem.0 -
It's more than just sleeping in a separate room. These are major life changes. She's only 8. I highly recommend family counseling to help her adjust.
This ^^^ I am a firm believer in counseling for children/familes after a divorce, start of a new family etc. She is 8 and should know better, but there is more going on than just behavior problems and punishing her for "knowing" better is not going to help the problem. I am divorced and remarried with a blended family as well... it''s tough on the kids, no matter what age. Good luck!0 -
Have you tried removing her mother? That might work.
Actually, that will make things far worse.0 -
The thing is parenting can be hard there are going to be tears. But you need to start. When you spoil or pamper your children too much they become even older children who still can't act right
QFTMFT!!!!!!!!!
True on the spoiling aspect.
Which is why I think it's extremely important that she get down on her daughter's level and try to find out from her daughter what she can do, within reason, to make the transition easier for her.
It's not a "buck up, buttercup" scenario we're talking about here. It's an upheaval for her daughter and it's unfair for the OP, as a parent, to expect her child to just understand how the pieces fall into place.0 -
It's not a "buck up, buttercup" scenario we're talking about here. It's an upheaval for her daughter and it's unfair for the OP, as a parent, to expect her child to just understand how the pieces fall into place.
Yup.
Many adults would have difficulty dealing with such major upheaval on a psychological level without it manifesting in some way (stress, anxiety and so on) and it is somehow expected of an 8 year old child to be sophisticated enough to do so?0 -
I know that she's too old to be acting like this. She doesn't do this at her dad's or at her grandpa and grandma's. I definitely think it's a mix of separation anxiety and need for attention. She does stay active all day and she should be exhausted at night. We have 8 acres, she swims all day, jumps on the trampoline, runs around like a kid, rides the 4-wheeler, etc. There's no reason she shouldn't be totally wiped out at the end of the day. I've thought about laying with her, but as you said, that's another thing we'll have to wean her off of. As for sleeping in the other kids' room, I see that as a reward for GOOD behavior. She will not get rewarded for bad behavior. It is a privilege. If she can do good, I will let her sleep in with them one night on the weekends. What we're doing right now is just closing our door and ignoring her. We are treating her like an infant or a new puppy.
I KNOW she's too old to be behaving like this, that's why I think she has total control over it. I know she could stop if she wanted to. She has a night light, which the younger kids don't even require. I know the room is foreign to her, but after 2 months, it really shouldn't be this extreme.
As for the vitamin at night, I do love the idea, but I don't want to make her think that getting medicine at bed time is ok. It will have the placebo effect on her, but I don't want to get her into the habit of that. And also, she will still be her getting her way. She is not the one who should be making the rules of bedtime.
I feel bad ignoring her, but I feel like that's the only option left. Ignore her and take away her privileges as long as it continues.
She actually has NO control over her situation so you can't honestly expect her to have any control over her reaction to it.0 -
Parenting advice 101:
When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.
Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.0 -
She feels abandoned, boyfriend took mommy away and she is acting how..quite simple. I am old fashioned, probably would look for a deeper commitment (like at least engagement) before moving my child in a house with a boyfriend and his kids..but that is just me. So your commitment is to your daughter, her happiness and making her comfortable.0
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Sounds like she's having a hard time adjusting to a big life change. I'm not a parent, but as someone who was just recently a teenager and a kid, I know that sometimes age has nothing to do with how we act; especially when emotions are involved.
Maybe you should try to take your daughter out somewhere away from the house, just the two of you, and sit down and talk about what's going on. Maybe try to discover what she's so scared of. Is she scared that she's losing you because she now has to share time that she usually had you to herself with others? If so, maybe you could try to reassure her that you still love her, that she won't lose you, and make sure that at least once a week you spend quality time just the two of you.
When parents change up how they spend their time with their kids, it can be a major shock to the system and can bring out a lot of emotions. Eight years old is very young. She may just be scared or worried of losing you.0 -
I cannot believe you're taking privileges away for this! Seriously, family therapy -- you, your daughter, your boyfriend and his kids. You need professional guidance. You're not handling it even close to correctly. She's 8. You got divorced and now you've moved her in with a stranger (and, yes, he's a stranger).
Everything about her life -- access to you, routine, sleeping arrangements, EVERYTHING has changed.
Agreed. Don't punish her. She needs some counseling. Good luck to both of you!0 -
A reward system worked for my nephew. Everytime he slept in his bed all night without crying and getting up, he could put a sticker on the weekly chart. At the end of the chart (however you want the timeline to be) he was rewarded for this (chuck-e-cheese, etc) Good Luck!!0
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Sounds like she's having a hard time adjusting to a big life change. I'm not a parent, but as someone who was just recently a teenager and a kid, I know that sometimes age has nothing to do with how we act; especially when emotions are involved.
Maybe you should try to take your daughter out somewhere away from the house, just the two of you, and sit down and talk about what's going on. Maybe try to discover what she's so scared of. Is she scared that she's losing you because she now has to share time that she usually had you to herself with others? If so, maybe you could try to reassure her that you still love her, that she won't lose you, and make sure that at least once a week you spend quality time just the two of you.
When parents change up how they spend their time with their kids, it can be a major shock to the system and can bring out a lot of emotions. Eight years old is very young. She may just be scared or worried of losing you.
The part in bold. Yes. All of that.0 -
Sounds like she's having a hard time adjusting to a big life change. I'm not a parent, but as someone who was just recently a teenager and a kid, I know that sometimes age has nothing to do with how we act; especially when emotions are involved.
Maybe you should try to take your daughter out somewhere away from the house, just the two of you, and sit down and talk about what's going on. Maybe try to discover what she's so scared of. Is she scared that she's losing you because she now has to share time that she usually had you to herself with others? If so, maybe you could try to reassure her that you still love her, that she won't lose you, and make sure that at least once a week you spend quality time just the two of you.
When parents change up how they spend their time with their kids, it can be a major shock to the system and can bring out a lot of emotions. Eight years old is very young. She may just be scared or worried of losing you.
The part in bold. Yes. All of that.
Yes, OP. I am interested in any response you have to our comments. Maybe there is something we are missing here, but by and large it really sounds like you are neglecting your daughter's emotional needs. This can manifest in scary ways down the road. Please listen to your daughter and try to get the both of you into counseling. This is serious. And for the love of everything, stop taking things away. Instead, give. Give her an ear to talk to. Give her a reason to feel safe in another room. Show her that you are doing whatever it takes to make her feel safe and well again.0 -
She actually has NO control over her situation so you can't honestly expect her to have any control over her reaction to it.
Apparently what this 8 year old child should be doing is dealing with this situation like a responsible adult...
when the responsible adults in her life can't seem to figure out what this means themselves.
Which makes total sense.0 -
Parenting advice 101:
When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.
Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.
Uh, adolescence is another name for young adulthood/teenage years. An eight year old is not an adolescent--they are a child.0 -
As a teacher and a mom of three, I would say her nighttime issues are a cry for help from you. She is going through a lot. From her perspective, she has lost you, and the time many of us most acutely feel loss is at night, when we are alone with our thoughts.
I would be patient with her. Begin with a conversation-- I will always love you, I am here if you need me, etc. Spend one-on-one time with her during the day. Help her feel the security of your relationship is intact.
Then, maybe allow her a new set of sheets or stuffed animal. Dress her animal in one of your t-shirts or something to be silly, but it will comfort her. Then, I would definitely try a "just you girls" bedtime routine-- read her a couple of books, and maybe sit by her bed until she feels drowsy. Maybe for the first week you stay until she is asleep...especially if she is not used to falling asleep without you. Second week, leave when she is drowsy, etc. I would not do two things: bring her to bed with you, or ignore her when she screams for you. An eight year old undergoing significant change with no other issues does not behave this way for no reason, would you agree?
If your boyfriend objects, please let him know this investment is to make sure she arrives into this newly blended family securely. She is bound to have some problems and may direct her anger (unknowingly or unwittingly) god knows where.
It may be helpful for you to talk to her pediatrician or a child therapist for ideas for making the transition easier. You are a good mom for looking for a way to help her! You will both be just fine
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I think that she needs the security of knowing that you are still there for her, but also the security of firm rules.
Make sure her bedtime is at a reasonable hour (many kids get overtired if they are up too late, and have an even harder time settling down). I believe we used 8pm as bedtime for the kids when they were 8. It's fine to have a bedtime routine, similar to when she was younger. PJs, brush teeth, spend some time with her in her room - talking about her day, reading together, etc (quiet stuff
). Then lights out, but be willing to stay in with her for 20 minutes or so, until she is asleep. Once she gets used to that, start cutting back how long you stay with lights out.
Have some clear rules. You can only stay with her if she settles down and is quiet. Since it sounds like she's used to sharing with you, I think having you in the room as she falls asleep should be enough incentive for her to stay quiet. Also have reasonable consequences if she won't follow your bedtime routine instructions, or if she disrupts the household. Let her know that her "hurts" are probably because she's tired, and that sleep will help her feel better (no medicines, don't let her build that dependency) ... and if she whines, remind her you can only stay in the room if she's lying down and quite. But stay calm and patient about it. Respond to her quickly if she wakes up in the night so that she knows you're still there and available (you can also start delaying as time goes on, but she needs that reassurance right now).
Make sure the t.v and other screen activities (computer, iPad, phone, video games, etc) are off at least 30 minutes before bedtime - for all the kids (and adults too). A lot of kids get wired up by screen activities and it's harder to settle down. And, of course, everything will be easier if the boys are doing a bedtime routine with their dad while you give your daughter this 1-on-1 time. Right now is probably a really good time to implement the new bedtime rules, as you can tell the kids you're preparing them for going back to school.
I also agree that some counseling (both together and alone) may benefit her. Check with her pediatrician for references to a good children's counselor. The school may also have some suggestions or resources to help.0 -
I agree with others about therapy. And no, I don't think she's too old for this, or that she has 100% control. She has no control over her parents separating, she has no control over being moved in to her mom's boyfriend's house and she has no control over being alone in a room at night for the first time since she was FIVE. She's still young enough that it's probably very hard for her to express how she's feeling or to know how to cope. Sure, she'll need to take responsibility for her behavior, but I think it's unfair to punish her when she likely doesn't have the tools to respond appropriately. At the very least, talk to her ped, but I agree with everyone else about therapy, even if it's just once or twice.
Read this book ( http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023 ). They cover sleep issues into teen years. That will give you some ideas on how to lay the foundation for good sleep.0 -
I'm also curious as to how ignoring a distraught child is "treating her like a baby". WHO DOES THAT TO A BABY?!?!0
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I'm also curious as to how ignoring a distraught child is "treating her like a baby". WHO DOES THAT TO A BABY?!?!
Yes, thank you. I would have never done that to my infant.0 -
She actually has NO control over her situation so you can't honestly expect her to have any control over her reaction to it.
Apparently what this 8 year old child should be doing is dealing with this situation like a responsible adult...
when the responsible adults in her life can't seem to figure out what this means themselves.
Which makes total sense.
Well... you know... the best way to correct a child's behavior is to take away privileges like mother's love.
/sarcasm (in case that wasn't obvious)0 -
i haven't had a chance to read all the answers others have given yet, but this is what we've done:
at the end of the week, they get a reward if they've stayed in their rooms all night, for the whole week.
so far we've gone camping, went to a science center, a day of swimming.
it can be anything you or they/she chooses and it doesn't have to be expensive.
also, it's a big change for her. while you/we (as adults) thing 2 months is plenty of time to adjust, it's just not that easy for them. it'll take a while! sometimes a LONG while!
our home was flooded 3 years ago. when there are heavy or prolonged rains, the oldest STILL gets very apprehensive about it and always asks if we'll be alright. we still have to reassure her that we live on a hill now, it won't happen again!
good luck. being a parent is hard! no one has ALL the answers. take what you can from the advise given and ignore what just doesn't work for you!0 -
Parenting advice 101:
When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.
Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.
Thank you Lord you are not the father of my child....she is 8, she is a little girl who has been through a lot in her 8 years for heaven's sake. She's not an adolescent, far from it.
Why is everyone in such a hurry to make their children grown up, they grow up fast enough in today's society.0 -
As a teacher and a mom of three, I would say her nighttime issues are a cry for help from you. She is going through a lot. From her perspective, she has lost you, and the time many of us most acutely feel loss is at night, when we are alone with our thoughts.
I would be patient with her. Begin with a conversation-- I will always love you, I am here if you need me, etc. Spend one-on-one time with her during the day. Help her feel the security of your relationship is intact.
Then, maybe allow her a new set of sheets or stuffed animal. Dress her animal in one of your t-shirts or something to be silly, but it will comfort her. Then, I would definitely try a "just you girls" bedtime routine-- read her a couple of books, and maybe sit by her bed until she feels drowsy. Maybe for the first week you stay until she is asleep...especially if she is not used to falling asleep without you. Second week, leave when she is drowsy, etc. I would not do two things: bring her to bed with you, or ignore her when she screams for you. An eight year old undergoing significant change with no other issues does not behave this way for no reason, would you agree?
If your boyfriend objects, please let him know this investment is to make sure she arrives into this newly blended family securely. She is bound to have some problems and may direct her anger (unknowingly or unwittingly) god knows where.
It may be helpful for you to talk to her pediatrician or a child therapist for ideas for making the transition easier. You are a good mom for looking for a way to help her! You will both be just fine
This advice is excellent. Please heed it.0
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