How do I talk about weight-loss with an obese friend?

gingeryone
gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
in Motivation and Support
One of my very best friends has put on a lot of weight over the last year and a half. I would say she's in the 'morbidly obese' weight range. I feel like she is shutting herself away from friends and social occasions - whereas she used to go to everything and know everyone! She's still the life of the party, but now the party is mainly just her and her family, or me. I want to talk with her about it and encourage her to lose some weight/be more active - in a sensitive, non-douchey way. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin and to not shut herself away.
The other thing I'm mindful of is that I am in a healthy weight range and exercise regularly - I don't want to be preachy!
Has anyone else been on either side of this situation before? I'm especially interested to hear from people who have been in my friend's situation.
I want this to be a positive thing - not a put-down. I just want her to be happy.
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Replies

  • amyk0202
    amyk0202 Posts: 666 Member
    I don't know if there is a way to encourage her other than, maybe, expressing your concern for her health. As a formerly obese person (second category obese), I have to say that I'm very grateful to my husband and all my friends who never once mentioned my weight to me. It's not like I didn't know that I was fat. I would have felt awful if anyone, even a good friend or family member, had said anything to me about my weight.

    I agree 100% with this. I was morbidly obese & am very thankful nobody ever tried to have that talk with me. I think you should just continue to try to get her out there & not let her isolate herself.
  • krennie8
    krennie8 Posts: 301 Member
    If she put on a lot of weight in a short period of time and is shutting herself off from friends, honestly I'd approach it in an, "I'm worried about you having depression, let me know if you want to talk" kind of way. B/c to me that's what this sounds like. And approaching it from a weight perspective (if true) is not going to do her any good.
  • lisele03
    lisele03 Posts: 133 Member
    ...I'm very grateful to my husband and all my friends who never once mentioned my weight to me. It's not like I didn't know that I was fat. I would have felt awful if anyone, even a good friend or family member, had said anything to me about my weight.

    THIS^! Otherwise said: Don't. Go. There. If she wants to discuss it, be a good friend, listen and offer support any way she would find helpful....
  • goldmay
    goldmay Posts: 258 Member
    If someone brought up my weight with me, I'd tell them to mind their own business. Maybe invite her to do something fun and active with you (outside of the gym), then go out for lunch afterward. She might open up about any problems she's having, or the day could be enjoyable enough that it'll motivate her to be more active.
  • ATXHeather
    ATXHeather Posts: 218 Member
    I would avoid addressing weight as the issue. It sounds like her weight gain is a symptom of something else. I put on a lot of weight after my divorce. I knew that but there was too much other stuff for me to deal with emotionally. She knows that she has gained weight and that it isn't healthy, you don't need to point that out. Do you know why she's been gaining weight? Do you know if she is suffering from depression or some emotional hardships? I was very appreciative of my friends who asked me how I was doing, who asked if there was a way for them to help, who told me they were worried about me or that they missed me.
  • fastfoodietofitcutie
    fastfoodietofitcutie Posts: 523 Member
    DON'T DO IT! She knows she has a problem and you pointing it out, even if it's in a loving way, is only going to upset her. Take it from me, I've been there.

    It's probably better to ask her to join you when you go to the gym, for a walk, etc... Get her to engage in some activity and see how that goes.
  • cecesquats
    cecesquats Posts: 166 Member
    if you're concerned, i don't think you should just ignore it. but i wouldn't just say, "hey, you need to lose some weight." find a healthy recipe you think she'd like and tell her you want to make dinner and watch a movie or something. tell her that you want to start walking, but want a buddy to do it with so you're not bored. wii games, like just dance, are a really fun way to exercise, without it feeling like exercise. just show her that healthy food can taste good and that exercise doesn't have to be so bad.
  • pleasurelittletreasure
    pleasurelittletreasure Posts: 236 Member
    The only way you can talk to her about it is to *listen* if and only if she brings it up. Listening is the best thing you could do.
  • HelenWater
    HelenWater Posts: 232 Member
    If someone brought up my weight with me, I'd tell them to mind their own business. Maybe invite her to do something fun and active with you (outside of the gym), then go out for lunch afterward. She might open up about any problems she's having, or the day could be enjoyable enough that it'll motivate her to be more active.

    This is perfect in my opinion.

    The people around me who care about me have never mentioned my weight, but have taken me on nice walks or invited me to join them in an activity. They have also given positive reinforcement for healthy behaviour and no response to unhealthy behaviour. If someone mentions my weight gain (or weight loss) I get very embarrassed and would probably avoid them in future.
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    I think you're right and that maybe I shouldn't say anything. Even with the best of intentions, it might do more harm than good...
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    It's sounding like I shouldn't say anything. I'm happy with that. I don't want to make her feel worse.
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    Thanks so much, everyone! I really appreciate your honest and open replies! I agree with everything you've all said. I definitely won't bring up anything to do with weight - because at the end of the day, it's not really about that - but I will try to talk to her about the fact that she doesn't go out much anymore and see if she's up for talking about why :-)
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    Thanks so much, everyone! I really appreciate your honest and open replies! I agree with everything you've all said. I definitely won't bring up anything to do with weight - because at the end of the day, it's not really about that - but I will try to talk to her about the fact that she doesn't go out much anymore and see if she's up for talking about why :-)

    I think this is a good plan. It sounds like she might be depressed - and it's so hard to talk about mental health issues when you're right in the middle of them. It shouldn't be about her weight - but how she's feeling mentally/emotionally.
  • dedicationandcommitment
    dedicationandcommitment Posts: 222 Member
    As a morbidly obese woman at the moment, the worse thing you can do is tell her that she's getting too big. My dad used to tell me all the time when I was younger and let's just say I used to not be this heavy. I was maybe 30 lbs over a healthy weight and my dad would always tell me to lose weight and now I'm 130 lbs over a healthy weight and now I'm having to lose it all and gain back my self confidence....so just be her friend and approach her from a different angle:):)
  • paulzli
    paulzli Posts: 72 Member
    FAT SHAMER

    ^^ TROLL :)
  • UnicornAmanda
    UnicornAmanda Posts: 294 Member
    I was always so afraid the whole time i was (and still am) overweight that my boyfriend, or friends, or a family member was going to approach me to have this talk with me... Don't do it. Instead invite her out for walks, hikes, and other stuff to be active.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    If she put on a lot of weight in a short period of time and is shutting herself off from friends, honestly I'd approach it in an, "I'm worried about you having depression, let me know if you want to talk" kind of way. B/c to me that's what this sounds like. And approaching it from a weight perspective (if true) is not going to do her any good.

    ^^^Pretty much this...

    a straight up fat intervention isn't going to go well for anyone...
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    It is definitely bed time for me. I thought the title said "How do I talk about weight loss with a cheese friend." Wth?
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    nope
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
    I know you have her best interest at heart, but don't talk to her about losing weight. She knows she's obese, trust me. The worst thing you could tell someone who is morbidly obese is that they should lose weight. They know they need to lose weight. It's a matter of them committing to losing weight- which she will do on her own terms.

    I personally have a best friend who is over 300 lbs. She is very open about discussing her weight and has no problem talking about it. So I am comfortable talking about it with her because she's comfortable with it as well. Unless your friend brings up her weight herself, don't say anything about it.

    Instead tell her you are worried about her being depressed and ask if there's anything she wants to talk to you about. Honestly, she is displaying classic symptoms of depression. Tell her you noticed she is separating herself from friends and social events. She might be isolating herself because of the weight she's gained.

    Maybe ask her if she wants to go for a walk or go play tennis. Something to get you moving and her moving as well, without being overly forward.
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    As a morbidly obese woman at the moment, the worse thing you can do is tell her that she's getting too big. My dad used to tell me all the time when I was younger and let's just say I used to not be this heavy. I was maybe 30 lbs over a healthy weight and my dad would always tell me to lose weight and now I'm 130 lbs over a healthy weight and now I'm having to lose it all and gain back my self confidence....so just be her friend and approach her from a different angle:):)

    I agree. Just got to be her friend. Fragile self-confidence makes talking about these things so tricky! And let's face it, most of us have fragile self-esteem, at least at times.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Gaining that much weight that quickly and shutting herself away sounds like depression.

    Don't talk to her about her weight. She knows. Talk to her about whatever's bothering her and let her know you're there and supportive.
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    I know you have her best interest at heart, but don't talk to her about losing weight. She knows she's obese, trust me. The worst thing you could tell someone who is morbidly obese is that they should lose weight. They know they need to lose weight. It's a matter of them committing to losing weight- which she will do on her own terms.

    Definitely agree with this. It's just hard to sit with when it feels like a cycle she's on - feeling low and not having the motivation/confidence to be more active, but then being inactive making her feel worse *sigh*
  • gingeryone
    gingeryone Posts: 17 Member
    Gaining that much weight that quickly and shutting herself away sounds like depression.

    Don't talk to her about her weight. She knows. Talk to her about whatever's bothering her and let her know you're there and supportive.

    I think you're spot on. Will do :-)
  • 6ftamazon
    6ftamazon Posts: 340 Member
    My advice? Don't bring her weight up at all. She's not stupid, she knows she's gained weight, and she has to be in a place to want to lose it, in order for it to happen. No matter how sincere and concerned you are, she probably will be upset. Instead, ask her if she's ok. You say she's been keeping to herself and not socializing as much, so you've got lots of other things to go on without bringing up her weight.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,032 Member
    I don't know if there is a way to encourage her other than, maybe, expressing your concern for her health. As a formerly obese person (second category obese), I have to say that I'm very grateful to my husband and all my friends who never once mentioned my weight to me. It's not like I didn't know that I was fat. I would have felt awful if anyone, even a good friend or family member, had said anything to me about my weight.

    I agree 100% with this. I was morbidly obese & am very thankful nobody ever tried to have that talk with me. I think you should just continue to try to get her out there & not let her isolate herself.
    the smart , supportive & kind way to handle it! :heart:

    When a person is ready, that is when they are ready and will succeed. :They will find their way, to sit them down and point out the obvious is probably not really necessary do you think? Truly, do you think she's unaware of being overweight? Do you think she's not aware that she's put on weight?
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I'm one of those people who doesn't believe that anything you do will help very much until your friend is truly READY to make a change. I know that was the case for me.

    I would also be VERY concerned with the possibility of hurting her feelings or just making her feel defensive.

    For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.

    However I get that it is maybe better and/or different coming from a friend. My advice to you would be to focus on YOU when you speak about these topics to your friend. Even though you are a healthy fit person you could mention that you felt tired, sick, whatever, when you had gained a few pounds in the past and using this website (and whatever else) has really helped YOU a lot...don't say it like a sales pitch or insinuate that she should do it, too. Just conversational stuff. If she is truly interested SHE will ask you for more details or she will check it out on her own, when she is ready.

    I think it's nice of you to be concerned for her but I also think this stuff is WAY too tricky, most of the time. If she asks you for help, then you can be a supportive and very helpful friend then. But until then I'd just kinda steer clear of the topic to be honest...or if you bring it up once and she's clearly uninterested, don't bring it up again.

    - just my opinion after being the fattest friend for 20+ years
  • scottkjar
    scottkjar Posts: 346 Member
    I started obese and am now down to being overweight. I was always unhappy when people commented about my weight. The only ones I really appreciated were people who actually asked me to do something with them. For example, my friend Bill goes for a walk after supper each night, so he asked me to walk with him a few times. No comments, no preaching, just a simple walk.

    I now walk regularly, and everyone in my office knows it. They have all seen me losing weight over the past year. So I asked my obese co-worker to walk with me a couple of times. No comments about his weight, or about what he should do. Just a simple request to do something with me.

    I suggest something like that. Just ask your friend to go for a walk with you. No comments about her weight, and no suggestions. Don't tell her that she needs to exercise, just do something with her. She already knows what she needs to do. You make it easier when you do it with her.
  • iggyboo93
    iggyboo93 Posts: 524 Member
    You are a good friend to her. Just be there when she needs your support.
  • eggomylegos
    eggomylegos Posts: 146 Member
    Gaining that much weight that quickly and shutting herself away sounds like depression.

    Don't talk to her about her weight. She knows. Talk to her about whatever's bothering her and let her know you're there and supportive.

    That's the answer. Simple and kind.

    Don't point out the obvious. She sees herself in the mirror every day. Support your friend while she works through a tough time. If she truly wants weight loss advice, she will ask for it.

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