How do I talk about weight-loss with an obese friend?

gingeryone

As a morbidly obese woman at the moment, the worse thing you can do is tell her that she's getting too big. My dad used to tell me all the time when I was younger and let's just say I used to not be this heavy. I was maybe 30 lbs over a healthy weight and my dad would always tell me to lose weight and now I'm 130 lbs over a healthy weight and now I'm having to lose it all and gain back my self confidence....so just be her friend and approach her from a different angle:):)

I agree. Just got to be her friend. Fragile self-confidence makes talking about these things so tricky! And let's face it, most of us have fragile self-esteem, at least at times.

rml_16

Gaining that much weight that quickly and shutting herself away sounds like depression.

Don't talk to her about her weight. She knows. Talk to her about whatever's bothering her and let her know you're there and supportive.

gingeryone

I know you have her best interest at heart, but don't talk to her about losing weight. She knows she's obese, trust me. The worst thing you could tell someone who is morbidly obese is that they should lose weight. They know they need to lose weight. It's a matter of them committing to losing weight- which she will do on her own terms.

Definitely agree with this. It's just hard to sit with when it feels like a cycle she's on - feeling low and not having the motivation/confidence to be more active, but then being inactive making her feel worse *sigh*

gingeryone

Gaining that much weight that quickly and shutting herself away sounds like depression.

Don't talk to her about her weight. She knows. Talk to her about whatever's bothering her and let her know you're there and supportive.

I think you're spot on. Will do :-)

6ftamazon

My advice? Don't bring her weight up at all. She's not stupid, she knows she's gained weight, and she has to be in a place to want to lose it, in order for it to happen. No matter how sincere and concerned you are, she probably will be upset. Instead, ask her if she's ok. You say she's been keeping to herself and not socializing as much, so you've got lots of other things to go on without bringing up her weight.

Hearts_2015

I don't know if there is a way to encourage her other than, maybe, expressing your concern for her health. As a formerly obese person (second category obese), I have to say that I'm very grateful to my husband and all my friends who never once mentioned my weight to me. It's not like I didn't know that I was fat. I would have felt awful if anyone, even a good friend or family member, had said anything to me about my weight.

I agree 100% with this. I was morbidly obese & am very thankful nobody ever tried to have that talk with me. I think you should just continue to try to get her out there & not let her isolate herself.

the smart , supportive & kind way to handle it!

When a person is ready, that is when they are ready and will succeed. :They will find their way, to sit them down and point out the obvious is probably not really necessary do you think? Truly, do you think she's unaware of being overweight? Do you think she's not aware that she's put on weight?

seltzermint555

I'm one of those people who doesn't believe that anything you do will help very much until your friend is truly READY to make a change. I know that was the case for me.

I would also be VERY concerned with the possibility of hurting her feelings or just making her feel defensive.

For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.

However I get that it is maybe better and/or different coming from a friend. My advice to you would be to focus on YOU when you speak about these topics to your friend. Even though you are a healthy fit person you could mention that you felt tired, sick, whatever, when you had gained a few pounds in the past and using this website (and whatever else) has really helped YOU a lot...don't say it like a sales pitch or insinuate that she should do it, too. Just conversational stuff. If she is truly interested SHE will ask you for more details or she will check it out on her own, when she is ready.

I think it's nice of you to be concerned for her but I also think this stuff is WAY too tricky, most of the time. If she asks you for help, then you can be a supportive and very helpful friend then. But until then I'd just kinda steer clear of the topic to be honest...or if you bring it up once and she's clearly uninterested, don't bring it up again.

- just my opinion after being the fattest friend for 20+ years

scottkjar

I started obese and am now down to being overweight. I was always unhappy when people commented about my weight. The only ones I really appreciated were people who actually asked me to do something with them. For example, my friend Bill goes for a walk after supper each night, so he asked me to walk with him a few times. No comments, no preaching, just a simple walk.

I now walk regularly, and everyone in my office knows it. They have all seen me losing weight over the past year. So I asked my obese co-worker to walk with me a couple of times. No comments about his weight, or about what he should do. Just a simple request to do something with me.

I suggest something like that. Just ask your friend to go for a walk with you. No comments about her weight, and no suggestions. Don't tell her that she needs to exercise, just do something with her. She already knows what she needs to do. You make it easier when you do it with her.

iggyboo93

You are a good friend to her. Just be there when she needs your support.

eggomylegos

Gaining that much weight that quickly and shutting herself away sounds like depression.

Don't talk to her about her weight. She knows. Talk to her about whatever's bothering her and let her know you're there and supportive.

That's the answer. Simple and kind.

Don't point out the obvious. She sees herself in the mirror every day. Support your friend while she works through a tough time. If she truly wants weight loss advice, she will ask for it.

seltzermint555

I started obese and am now down to being overweight. I was always unhappy when people commented about my weight. The only ones I really appreciated were people who actually asked me to do something with them. For example, my friend Bill goes for a walk after supper each night, so he asked me to walk with him a few times. No comments, no preaching, just a simple walk.

I now walk regularly, and everyone in my office knows it. They have all seen me losing weight over the past year. So I asked my obese co-worker to walk with me a couple of times. No comments about his weight, or about what he should do. Just a simple request to do something with me.

I suggest something like that. Just ask your friend to go for a walk with you. No comments about her weight, and no suggestions. Don't tell her that she needs to exercise, just do something with her. She already knows what she needs to do. You make it easier when you do it with her.

Love this advice!!! Do this, OP!

aaronwright987

I agree with what many others have said about possible depression. I have never been morbidly obese, but I did put on about 40 pounds during a depressive episode of my own. I have mild depression anyway, but joblessness, a struggling relationship, and the death of a family member all within a few months sent me into a horrible place.

During that time, I exhibited a lot of the symptoms your friend is currently showing. I didn't talk to my friends, I made no attempt at finding a new job, I didn't get out of the house. I did two things: sleep and eat. All day.

Please talk to her about possible depression. Don't just come out and suggest that she has depression. The problem with this approach is that when you say "I think you have a mental illness", most people hear "You're crazy". Just let her know that you are worried about her, and let her know that you are there if she wants to talk.

gingeryone

When a person is ready, that is when they are ready and will succeed. :They will find their way, to sit them down and point out the obvious is probably not really necessary do you think? Truly, do you think she's unaware of being overweight? Do you think she's not aware that she's put on weight?

My intention was never to point out that she'd put on weight. I'm more concerned with the social isolation and low self esteem that I think the weight plays into. But I agree that weight shouldn't be a part of the conversation - unless she wants it to be and brings it up.

evsplava

I have been on both sides of the question. I had someone tell me it looked like I had gained weight so I purchased a scale. My weight fluctuated by 2 pounds. I also have a friend who has experienced a steady increase in the size of his beer belly to the point where I'm concerned about his health. If she does choose to be active with you there may need to be modifications to what you do to account for different fitness levels. She might also want the help but not know how to start.

dbmata

One of my very best friends has put on a lot of weight over the last year and a half. I would say she's in the 'morbidly obese' weight range. I feel like she is shutting herself away from friends and social occasions - whereas she used to go to everything and know everyone! She's still the life of the party, but now the party is mainly just her and her family, or me. I want to talk with her about it and encourage her to lose some weight/be more active - in a sensitive, non-douchey way. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin and to not shut herself away.
The other thing I'm mindful of is that I am in a healthy weight range and exercise regularly - I don't want to be preachy!
Has anyone else been on either side of this situation before? I'm especially interested to hear from people who have been in my friend's situation.
I want this to be a positive thing - not a put-down. I just want her to be happy.

You don't. She'll figure it out or she won't.

FitOldMomma

It's very kind that you are truly concerned about your friend. But, more than likely she is just as concerned herself.
I don't know why we treat obesity differently than other health issues, such as smoking or drinking too much. And yet we do. Obesity just seems so personal.

But you should be concerned about her behavior- maybe she should be screened for depression. It's like a circle of hell; depression over weight, and added weight BECAUSE of depression.

It's funny how we take it so personal if our family or friends talk to us over their concern about our weight, but a doctor or other health care professional tells us and we don't take it personally. (Well, I didn't anyway). Truthfully, I think if my good friend brought it up in a sincere way I'd not be insulted at all.

Maybe you could say something like, "I notice you don't want to do the things you used to do, is there a problem I can help you with?"
If she is insulted and tells you so, just apologize. But I bet she'll know you are truly concerned for her.

Good luck.

gingeryone

For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.

There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.

summerbeachabs

i think honesty and love can never go wrong

dbmata

For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.

There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.

Yet you essentially want to shame your friend, through good intentions.

C'mon now. C'mooooonnnnnnnnn.

gingeryone

She might also want the help but not know how to start.

That's one of the reasons I was originally thinking of broaching the subject - to basically indicate that I'm cool to talk about it if she wants. But I think the possible negatives of doing that outweigh the positives.