How do I talk about weight-loss with an obese friend?

2BeHappy2

if you're concerned, i don't think you should just ignore it. but i wouldn't just say, "hey, you need to lose some weight." find a healthy recipe you think she'd like and tell her you want to make dinner and watch a movie or something. tell her that you want to start walking, but want a buddy to do it with so you're not bored. wii games, like just dance, are a really fun way to exercise, without it feeling like exercise. just show her that healthy food can taste good and that exercise doesn't have to be so bad.

This is good advice!
I was thinking to lead by example
It seems like you've been on MFP for a couple of yrs...show her your MFP acct.
See how she reacts...if its positive then you can do this as a team!
If its not then back off and maybe sometime down the road try it again...sometimes it takes time (& patience) to warm up to (new) things :happy:

Tora32

Yep, significant weight gain in a relatively short period of time can be a major red flag for various possibilities (depression being a big one as already mentioned). My gain was similar, and in looking back, I'm still surprised my doctor never bothered to mention it. In your friend's case, it could very well be a depressive low, or it could be some other cause with the weight making her ashamed to go out more, but in either case, approaching her about her weight will most likely not help. For a good year or two after putting my weight on, I couldn't stop hating what my body had become, and believe me that it only made things worse. Anyone approaching me about my weight before finding some decent confidence definitely wouldn't have helped. If she's dealing with actual depression, it'll doubtless be even worse in her case unfortunately. Hopefully she'll come around eventually and get any help she needs, but for the weight thing, she might just have to come to that in her own way, so just work on being around for her in the meantime since I suspect that's what she most needs from you right now.

Like others have said, I'd focus on being there for her and providing a good example (without making a big deal about it please! but just seeing someone else having good success can go a long way sometimes). If you want to be more proactive about her fitness specifically, maybe casually invite her along on walks or to try out a zumba class together or whatever you think she'd enjoy, just make sure the focus for things like that is less on "let's go get you fit" and more on just trying out some new activities with a friend.

d4rkkn16ht

I'm gonna share similar experience with my best friend.
I have an obese friend since he was a little kid.
We've known each other for +30 years now.
We used to be very close to each other until many bad experience (broken heart many times & recently....his father died due to heart attack approximately 1 year after my father died) just changing his character drastically.
He used to be positive & cheerful, but now I get a gloomy vibe whenever I get near him.

It is very difficult to reach him & try to find a way to talk about health.
It is more difficult that after my marriage I moved to a far away city.
I only meet him about once a year when I visit my mother & sisters.

He is closing himself to a point that he got no friend at all except me (can I still be called a friend?) & his family.
He never call me, I always try calling him (not always get an answer....may be he is creating a barrier even with me).
Whenever I meet him I give him the idea of working out regularly by giving him my self as an example.
I use to be overweight, but never obese.
When I was depressed (problems & father died) I also gain a lot of weight.
I works out regularly & try to use this to motivate him (not mentioning weight but I use my Abs goal - not preaching - to motivate him)
The only positive result I see is he bought a static cycle but I doubt he use it regularly because after a year still no change at all.

The other problem is his family, especially his wife, seems to agree with his way of thinking.
Now I come to a conclusion, some people don't care what other people thinks, even when they want you to be healthy & happy.
Some people even don't care of him/herself or have a very low goal in life.
I'm gonna talk to him tonight....again...hopefully he will answer his phone.
At least to say hello.

BTW, he comes from an obese family so it is in his (and his family) gene.
Only his little sister is slim.

rebeccaplatt21

I don't know if there is a way to encourage her other than, maybe, expressing your concern for her health. As a formerly obese person (second category obese), I have to say that I'm very grateful to my husband and all my friends who never once mentioned my weight to me. It's not like I didn't know that I was fat. I would have felt awful if anyone, even a good friend or family member, had said anything to me about my weight.

If she put on a lot of weight in a short period of time and is shutting herself off from friends, honestly I'd approach it in an, "I'm worried about you having depression, let me know if you want to talk" kind of way. B/c to me that's what this sounds like. And approaching it from a weight perspective (if true) is not going to do her any good.

both these ^^ i'd definitely address it as concern for being depressed. good luck!

MityMax96

One of my very best friends has put on a lot of weight over the last year and a half. I would say she's in the 'morbidly obese' weight range. I feel like she is shutting herself away from friends and social occasions - whereas she used to go to everything and know everyone! She's still the life of the party, but now the party is mainly just her and her family, or me. I want to talk with her about it and encourage her to lose some weight/be more active - in a sensitive, non-douchey way. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin and to not shut herself away.
The other thing I'm mindful of is that I am in a healthy weight range and exercise regularly - I don't want to be preachy!
Has anyone else been on either side of this situation before? I'm especially interested to hear from people who have been in my friend's situation.
I want this to be a positive thing - not a put-down. I just want her to be happy.

IMO
Unless she comes to you and asks for help or says "Hey, I want to start working out with you."

Keep your mouth shut.

Unless of course you don't want her as a friend any more, then fire away

lisalsd1

I feel like she is shutting herself away from friends and social occasions - whereas she used to go to everything and know everyone! She's still the life of the party, but now the party is mainly just her and her family, or me.

I just want her to be happy.

Change "her" to "you"...and go with just the above. In my experience, the moment you say "weight" is the moment someone stops listening to you.

cincysweetheart

You can always invite her to do something active with you… but I absolutely would NOT bring up her weight. If she's morbidly obese, she's more aware of her weight and the potential health problems that could arise from it than you are. You're not going to be doing her any favors by pointing it out… even if you are worried about her. It has great potential to destroy the friendship… and even if it doesn't… if she does something about it… it'll be in large part for you instead of for her. Which is not healthy either.

MinnieInMaine

As others have said, I knew I was fat, I didn't need people in my life telling me I needed to watch what I eat and get more exercise (although some did). In many cases, obesity is a result of emotional eating and the decline in health of said person becomes something that they deeply deny. Confronting them with it is not a good thing. Hell, even going to the doctor's office for my annual made me nervous because I knew they'd bring up my weight and I didn't want to deal with it. And I'd always feel horrid afterwards, which usually led to more eating (and drinking). I knew what I needed to do, I just wasn't ready to do it.

However, I agree you should express your concern about what sounds like your friend dealing with some depression or some other similar issue. Just be sure to leave her weight out of it completely.

I also agree that it might not hurt to ask her to go for walks with you or encourage other more active things you two can do together. It doesn't always have to be something specifically exercise related - even something like mini golf would be good.

Mostly though, don't push. Just ask once or twice and leave it at that. If she's open to talking about it and/or doing more active things, she'll take you up on it. If she's not and you continue to insist, it may end up harming your friendship. There's a fine line there...

leggup

If this has been a (relatively) sudden weight gain, as opposed to +2 lbs a month slowly creeping on, I would try to talk to her about what triggered it. Ask her questions designed to open up conversation about her (her, not her weight. her as a person).

How's work? (Could she be depressed due to work being stressful/going nowhere?)
How's the dating scene these days? (Could she have had a nasty break up? Sexual assault?)
How's the family? (Is she responsible for the wellbeing of a parent or child? Is she getting caught up in an ongoing family feud?)

If none of that gets you anywhere, you can frankly say how you've noticed her withdrawing lately and it worries you. (still, don't bring up her weight) Say how you want her to know that she can always talk to you, is there anything that she wants to talk through or just get out.

I actually disagree with the "get her to exercise with you!" type stuff. If the weight gain is a symptom of something like depression, going on walks 1. Won't make any lasting difference 2. Could make her more self conscious of her weight. If she's morbidly obese, even a walk can make her out of breath and feeling crummy compared to you, since you probably wouldn't be as winded.

gingeryone

I'm gonna share similar experience with my best friend.
I have an obese friend since he was a little kid.
We've known each other for +30 years now.
We used to be very close to each other until many bad experience (broken heart many times & recently....his father died due to heart attack approximately 1 year after my father died) just changing his character drastically.
He used to be positive & cheerful, but now I get a gloomy vibe whenever I get near him.

It is very difficult to reach him & try to find a way to talk about health.
It is more difficult that after my marriage I moved to a far away city.
I only meet him about once a year when I visit my mother & sisters.

He is closing himself to a point that he got no friend at all except me (can I still be called a friend?) & his family.
He never call me, I always try calling him (not always get an answer....may be he is creating a barrier even with me).
Whenever I meet him I give him the idea of working out regularly by giving him my self as an example.
I use to be overweight, but never obese.
When I was depressed (problems & father died) I also gain a lot of weight.
I works out regularly & try to use this to motivate him (not mentioning weight but I use my Abs goal - not preaching - to motivate him)
The only positive result I see is he bought a static cycle but I doubt he use it regularly because after a year still no change at all.

The other problem is his family, especially his wife, seems to agree with his way of thinking.
Now I come to a conclusion, some people don't care what other people thinks, even when they want you to be healthy & happy.
Some people even don't care of him/herself or have a very low goal in life.
I'm gonna talk to him tonight....again...hopefully he will answer his phone.
At least to say hello.

BTW, he comes from an obese family so it is in his (and his family) gene.
Only his little sister is slim.

That sounds like a really hard situation, any way you look at it. Good on you for keeping on trying and being a good friend. I hope he comes out of the fog :-)

d4rkkn16ht

That sounds like a really hard situation, any way you look at it. Good on you for keeping on trying and being a good friend. I hope he comes out of the fog :-)

I hope the same to you.
I really hope the best for both your friend & mine.