Parenting Advice - Sleeping w/ Toddler

odusgolp

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

sixout

I don't have kids, so I have no idea how it works. But I can see nothing good coming from allowing a kid to continue sleeping with the parent on a consistent basis.

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spade117

2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

Little bit of whiskey.

rml_16

Is there a bedtime routine? Maybe try reading to her and sitting quietly in bed with her (and I think a big girl bed is a good idea for sure) for a half hour or so might help the situation a lot. Maybe rub her back a feet to relax her.

odusgolp

2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

Little bit of whiskey.

Helps me.

k8blujay2

A big girl bed may help... My 3 year old still comes in and sleeps with us but our deal is, she has to start out and sleep in her bed first. More often than not she stays in her bed.

But I think the inconsistancy is always going to cause problems. Her momma needs to chill on the letting the little one sleep with her so often.

k8blujay2

Is there a bedtime routine? Maybe try reading to her and sitting quietly in bed with her (and I think a big girl bed is a good idea for sure) for a half hour or so might help the situation a lot. Maybe rub her back a feet to relax her.

And this. For ours we have a "check chart" where we go through a series of actions to get us ready for bed. Then I turn on some music in the room and pat her for a minute or so.

AmyG1982

A big girl bed would probably help, and if she doesn't want to sleep in there alone (since it sounds like she's not used to that) one of you could lay with her until she falls asleep and then leave. Eventually she'll get used to it but caving when she's throwing a fit is just encouraging that behaviour

mamaoftwins9197

This was similar to my situation after my ex and I split up. Baby was only 4 months at the split, but slept with me til she was 3 and half (just about 4-5 months ago). She also nursed until she was 2 and a half, which was much easier because she was sleeping with me. At dad's, she sleeps with him sometimes, on the couch, on the floor, wherever. My kids don't have beds over there. It didn't make any difference with us where she slept at his house and it was a bit of a transition at home. She always had a crib, she just never slept in it. She loves sleeping in her big girl bed now though. 2 year old won't sleep with mom forever, some just need a little more time than others. These hypothetical people should do what works for them.

zyxst

Get a big girl bed and try having a parent sleep with the kid in that bed until she falls asleep, then go to your own bed.

Holly_Roman_Empire

I don't think a big kid bed will help. I think kids like that just want to sleep with someone; I don't think it's an aversion to her crib. At the age of two, she should know who she can sleep with and who she can't. And what I mean is, she's old enough to be taught that sleeping with mom is okay and sleeping with dad is not. Other than just sticking to your guns and letting her cry it out, I don't know what to tell you.

odusgolp

Is there a bedtime routine? Maybe try reading to her and sitting quietly in bed with her (and I think a big girl bed is a good idea for sure) for a half hour or so might help the situation a lot. Maybe rub her back a feet to relax her.

Books... esp. one on repeat a good 5 times *LOL* Back rubs... She may go out, but often wakes back up 15 minutes later pitching a fit.

KBjimAZ

#1 may help, but not a lot will change without mom helping make the change too (depending on how often she is with mom).
#2 Earplugs. Seriously though, dad needs to nut up and deal with it and break the habit. Forming a specific bedtime routine helps, but again, mom will need to help with that on her end.

Frayde

Big girl bed, take her shopping for it, make it a big deal "Look how big you are getting." Or, at Mommy's house you sleep with Mommy, but in Daddy's house, you sleep nearby, where I can hear you if you need me. Also, my middle child didn't sleep through the night until he was 7 y.o. At age 3, I told him Mommy and Daddy's bed wasn't big enough for 4 people (there was a new baby by then). I put a sleeping bag under my bed, and when he woke in the night, he pulled that out and slept next to us. That was a good transition until he stayed in his own bed all night.

Good luck. (Oh, and before you know it, you'll be sending her off to college. Long before that, she will not want to sleep in the same room as you.)

CompressedCarbon

There is no magic but what worked at my house was a "little bed" placed right next to my bed. We had a foam chair that unfolded but it could be anything. I transitioned my non-sleeper from climbing into my bed to the little bed. She started the night in her own bed but if she woke with dreams or whatever, she was free to come crawl into the little bed. If she needed to physically touch me, then I'd throw my arm off the bed and she'd cling to that until she fell asleep.

If it's bad dreams that made her anxious to even GO to bed, then the answer is fairy dust, sprinkled and/or sprayed around the room to keep monsters and bad things out.

headofphat

Simple. Kids sleep in their own bed and parents sleep in their own bed. There is no gray area. It's your job as a parent to not only love but to discipline as well.

ew_david

I don't think the bed is the problem; it's the behavior that has been learned by the kid over time. Create a routine, let her know he's there but she can't sleep in his bed anymore. It's going to suck breaking that habit, especially if she gets to sleep with mom.

likitisplit

Sleep can be an issue for 2-year-olds. You might be having this situation regardless. (I don't care what your children did - this is a different kid in a different situation.)

I highly recommend "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" No matter what method you choose, No-Cry helps you understand where your kid is developmentally and just provides perspective on the whole thing.

thebabysleepsite.com is also an amazing resource.

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wolverine66

Thankfully, I have a child who has never had problems sleeping (sometimes getting to sleep is an issue, because he wants to play).

Anyway, in my opinion, with parents who are divorced - it would seem that providing a child with as much consistency as possible would be the key. And if there is absolutely no wiggle room or discussion about changing the arrangements of the mother sleeping with the child, then she must get the father to agree to let the child sleep with him when she is there.

maybe he can move her after she falls asleep?

I don't know. but I do know we, as parents, have tried to maintain a routine - albeit sometimes a flexible routine as far as bed time. But it would seem more important with divorced parents that you try to keep a lot of things consistent and familiar as you can.

Eoghann

I'm not getting into the aspect of whether it's good or bad to cosleep.

But basically the only solution to this (not miraculous, usually quite painful at first) is to be consistent. If she's to be in her bed in her own room when at Dad's then he has to stick to that rule every night, not every night except when he's worn down.

randomtai

Simple. Kids sleep in their own bed and parents sleep in their own bed. There is no gray area. It's your job as a parent to not only love but to discipline as well.

This.

slouw10

Had same issue with my son, we got him his own bed and decorated his room to his liking - he was still not sure, so we got him a night light that stays on (They do not freak out then when awaking and it is dark and lonely then). His dad sits next to his bed till he falls asleep (normally about 10 minutes) and then he is fine in his own bed. Got a whole lot of confidence cause he is now a "BIG BOY" sleeping on his own....

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likitisplit

I don't think a big kid bed will help. I think kids like that just want to sleep with someone; I don't think it's an aversion to her crib. At the age of two, she should know who she can sleep with and who she can't. And what I mean is, she's old enough to be taught that sleeping with mom is okay and sleeping with dad is not. Other than just sticking to your guns and letting her cry it out, I don't know what to tell you.

Also this. Repeat after me, "In this house, you sleep in your own bed."

When Nina was 2, she hated her crib because she was trapped in it. When we converted it to a toddler bed, she was sooo excited to sleep there.

MassiveDelta

I have 5 kids (including one about to turn 3 who likes to crawl into bed at 3 am).

Mom is wrong. (sorry its not for debate, doesnt make it less wrong)

She needs to support Dad (despite divorce) and have the child sleep in a separate bed. The mother is building support for a defiant youngster who gets their own way in everything. When she wins with Mommy Everyone else in the world loses including the child. The child is old enough to sleep on their own except in rare cases of severe night terrors or extreme fear of darkness.

giving in this young only encourages defiance and teaches them very early that they will always win in an argument with mommy. Kids are VERY smart they see the two differences at two locations and they know that there is clearly a difference between mom and dads opinion.

enterdanger

We had this issue with my 3 year old when he was 2. You don't want to set this precedent. Trust me, you especially won't want them in your bed when they start potty training within the next year.

I think it's probably different with every kid, but we are very firm with our bedtime routine. We did get our son a big-boy bed (we had to because I needed the crib for a new baby) and I let him pick out his blanket and sheets and he helped me decorate his room. We ended up with firetruck bedding and wall decals and he "helped" me pick out a chalkboard paint and paint one wall with chalkboard paint so we can color on it.

There are still the random mornings he sneaks in our bed, but on the whole he stays in his bed through the night. The other consideration is if you have a house with stairs, how do you keep them safe. This sounds awful, but I put one of those plastic covers on the door knob so he couldn't come out of his room in the night and potentially fall down the steps. He's bigger now, and our new house doesn't have stairs right next to his room, so we no longer have to do this.

Just a heads up, it did take a good month before he finally stayed in his room. It was like the worst month of my parenting life. He'd be up for hours and I would sit in there with him and hold his hand until he fell asleep. Eventually he accepted it. Now I just read his story and he goes to bed.

calibriintx

I recommend this book to everyone with kids with sleep issues. http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023

If she has an appropriate bedtime and good sleep hygiene, here's what I would do (I did this with mine, per the book's advice and it worked, and I have friends who have had success with it). Put her to bed and say goodnight. Walk out. If she cries, screams, etc. go in and console her. Then tell her that it's bedtime and you won't be speaking to her for the rest of the night. If she needs you, you'll come in, but you won't talk to her. Give her a hug and a kiss, and tell her you love her, and walk out. When she screams and cries and you go back in, hugs, hair smoothing, a drink of water, trip to the potty, and shushing are okay, but don't speak. DON'T. If you cave, she wins. And depending on her vocabulary, she'll try to get you to cave. Mine would start shouting I love you, over and over. UGH. She played dirty! I would smile and put my hand on my heart and then hug her. The first few times, I had to go back in a lot, but eventually she stopped crying and calling for me. The next few nights I only had to go back in one time. After that, no more crying or screaming at all and she would happily say goodnight when I walked out the first time.

She's 4.5 now and we've had new sleep issues pop up due to fears, etc., but after much hair pulling, I always go back to this book, fix what's wrong (inappropriate bedtime, sleep hygiene), and the no speaking after saying goodnight. Works every time. Obviously it may not work for every kid, but it's a very reliable method.


ETA: Maybe daddy could take her shopping and pick out a stuffed man doll for her sleep with. Like a prince from the Disney store with similar hair color or something. He could snuggled with her for daddy since "we have to sleep in our own beds."

rml_16

I don't think a big kid bed will help. I think kids like that just want to sleep with someone;

But it would be new and fun and might be more appealing to her. It's worth a try. She's going to need one eventually, anyway.

melimomTARDIS

whatever you do, be gentle. My son has always been a crap sleeper, and no matter what I tried (including several visits to a behavioral specialist pediatrician) he could not sleep sucessfully on his own.

I found out later, as he got older (he's a kindergartener now) he has anxiety/sensory processing disorder. we have made lots of progress, and now he sleeps in his bed at least most of the night, everynight. he comes into our room at around 4 AM and snuggles in.

My daughter (age 2) has had no such issues. She prefers to sleep alone, and resists sleeping with me even if she is sick.

Seconded- The no cry sleep solution. I climb into my son's twin size bed, rub his back and read him a story. I leave when he is calm, and ready to rest. When he was younger Id just cuddle him until he fell asleep, and sneak out.