Parenting Advice - Sleeping w/ Toddler

Jacwhite22

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

Not easy once it has been done. I was really strict about kids being in their own rooms very early. Honestly.....I would suggest just enforcing it for a few nights......in her own room no matter what. Once my son could climb out of his crib he would try to come into our room at night.....I turned the lock around on his door and basically locked him in......He would throw a fit......and eventually crash. Sometimes in some weird spots....on the floor directly behind the door, on the changing table, etc......After a week or two he stopped fighting it

skippygirlsmom

Is there a bedtime routine? Maybe try reading to her and sitting quietly in bed with her (and I think a big girl bed is a good idea for sure) for a half hour or so might help the situation a lot. Maybe rub her back a feet to relax her.

Books... esp. one on repeat a good 5 times *LOL* Back rubs... She may go out, but often wakes back up 15 minutes later pitching a fit.

When the fit happens, parent goes in, lays child back down and leaves the room again...repeat as needed. Do not engage child with conversation or anything else. Consistency is the name of the game, the minute you give it, the child has control and that is not what you want.

SuperSexyDork

I co-slept with my daughter until a few months before she turned 2. She always had a crib but we never used it. Don't tell me co-sleeping is wrong; it was the right choice for us and it helped me to breastfeed longer.

Anyway, when I decided I was moving in with my Love (not her father. We'd separated before her 1st birthday), I knew it would be very awkward to still have her sleeping in the same bed as I did so I basically weaned her of it.

I started by laying next to her in my bed until she fell asleep and then putting her in her own bed. After she got used to waking up in her own bed, I would put her in her crib and sit beside it until she fell asleep. At first, it took at least an hour for her to fall asleep with me sitting beside her but eventually it took less and less time. After I felt sure of her ability to fall asleep in her own bed, I would lay her in her crib and leave with the door open and me in the next room. This caused a week worth of 45 minute tantrums but those stopped and she could sleep by herself. This whole process took about 6 weeks so it's not an easy task.

She's 5 now and she's still super cuddly. She finds me as soon as she wakes up in the morning to get some snuggle time. I find no problem with this.

MizTerry

I want to sleep with Daddy too. LOL

Get her a big girl bed and yeah, let her cry it out or as I did with my oldest, if she's still getting up, have her spend her free time in the corner if she's not going to sleep.

kbeckley11

How long have the parents been divorced? Is it a new thing? If the toddler is used to seeing dad everyday, and then it changes to seeing dad a few times a week, then there is bound to be a transitional period. She doesn't understand why she isn't seeing her dad as much, and is trying to be close to him as much as possible.

I would try letting her lay in bed with him for 30 minutes, but be clear that after 30 minutes, she has to go to her bed. Then decrease the time, until, eventually, she isn't laying in his bed at all. Also, even though she is only two, talk to her about her feelings. Acknowledge that she may be feeling confused, or scared of losing dad, but it is ok, because she will still see him a lot.

As for her being allowed to sleep in mom's bed, I don't think that is a big deal. By 2, kids are able to understand that there are different rules in different homes.

If the divorce isn't a new thing, than I would say be consistent, and don't let her sleep in the bed. But, maybe have dad sit in a chair in her room for awhile.

As for a toddler bed, it may help, but keep in mind that she can easily get out of a toddler bed. When I put my daughter in a toddler bed, she went from falling right asleep at night, and sleeping until 8am to getting out of bed multiple times, and waking at 7.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I think a big girl bed wouldn't hurt. Also let her fall asleep in his bed with the understanding that she'll be moved to her own later. She'll probably get up and come back to his a few times but if she's moved again, maybe eventually she'll realize it's not worth the effort.

Debbjones

I have a good friend in the same situation... He has two children (daughter will be 4 soon and son is about 2). His daughter still sleeps in bed with him. Almost impossible habit to break... even though is son "will" arguably sleep in a crib. He is divorced from his wife and she (from the day the children were born) insists their daughter sleep with her/them. Now his son is pushing to sleep in the Dad's bed as well... this is so NOT GOOD for the child or parent.

Yes, I would go with the "big girl bed". I would do anything to get the co-dependency over! Cookies, toys, promises whatever it takes... It is just a habit, all bad habits can be broken but both parents have to agree sharing a bed is not good! My friend is fighting an uphill battle because Mommy encourages bed sharing 4 days every week and he is trying to break the pattern the remaining 3 days. Week after week it is a struggle...

After 4 years in a bad marriage my friend is finally getting back into the dating world... trust me, no woman wants to share a bed with a man that is sharing his bed with a toddler/small child. This is so NOT Good for the parent or child.

I strongly suggest your friend Google "How to break a small child of sleeping in a parents bed" or something of that nature.

Yeah, I guess in my lifetime I have formed an opinion on this topic! Just my opinion (as strong as it might be! LOL!)

LAT1963

I think if you check a child development book you'll find it's pretty normal for a toddler to want to sleep with his or her parents, especially at a time of uncertainty such as during a divorce.

I think the parents should just let the kid sleep with them until the kid wants their own bed. She'll probably "move out" a few months after her third birthday.

Alluminati

This is something I never truly understand why parents worry about.

Is the fear that the child will get used to sleeping with the parent, and not be able to stop? Do we know a lot of grownups who still sleep with their parents? I know my mom would find it odd...

Little kids want to sleep in bed with their parents. They eventually grow out of that. It's a different age for every kid. But at 2 I think it's completely normal.

This isn't a "it's wrong or weird to sleep with your parents" thing. I sleep w/ my kid and don't give a damn what anyone thinks about it... But in this case it's that DAD can't sleep with her in the bed. She's a hot mess and flails about all night... *LOL*

My kid is 6. Once in a while she still gets scared so we let her fall asleep in our bed. Then in the middle of the night one of us will put her back in her room because she's a blanket stealing sweaty little furnace.

lisalsd1

When I had to move my 2.5 year old son to a new room, b/c I was moving the baby to the nursery. I did buy him a "big kid bed." He still came up to my bedroom many nights for the first few months. I think the change had a lot to do with, b/c he hadn't been coming into our room prior to the move.

We just woke-up and took him back to his new room/bed every night without making a huge fuss. Recently, my 3.5 year old has been coming into the room due to nightmares. Again,we just take her back every night, and she'll go back to sleep.

If I were dad in this hypothetical situation, I would try the new bed in a new room...and worry about consistency at my house. She'll eventually learn that this is how we do things at dad's house. The issue right now might be age-related vs. the disparity between what is done at mom's house and dad's house.

IPAkiller

Is he crafty? Maybe he cam make something like this, keep it under the daughter's bed and with a complex system of ropes and pulleys be able to make them come out and go back under before entering and after leaving the room. Maybe add a motion sensor that sets off a snarl and groan MP3 when it detects little feet?

Before leaving the room every night say, "Don't forget, demons feed off the crying of little kids so, shhhhhh.... Daddy loves you. Sweet dreams."

poesch77

Those of you that have no kids and say simple..."Kids sleep in their own beds"- HAVE NO FRICKIN CLUE! I have 2 kids.....my oldest NEVER had an issue. My second- completely different story. She is 3 1/2. I have tried EVERYTHING! Nanny 911 methods.....I sleep on floor, I stay in there with back to her and creep my way out, I shut door and let her scream, the "TRANSFER".....it is flipping exhausting. As a parent you try whatever it takes to accomplish the problem. My oldest has a trundle bed and eventually hoping the 3 yr old will sleep in it by herself then progress to her own room. For now she sleeps with my 9 yr old. Iit works for now...they go to bed at the same time. Sometimes she still gets up and finds her way into our bed. They are only little once so I don't mind. You do what it takes to get sleep!

nopotofgold

Have to put your foot down. My nephew is one yr and when I or the daycare watch him he is fine sitting on his own and playing (toss the ball in my direction or crawl to get it if it is not. But when mommy gets home cries if she isn't holding him. It will not be fun for the first few times but if she is up late you still get her up at her normal time. No extra long nap. It is a learned behavior you are breaking and eventually she will cave if you don't.

k8blujay2

Is he crafty? Maybe he cam make something like this, keep it under the daughter's bed and with a complex system of ropes and pulleys be able to make them come out and go back under before entering and after leaving the room. Maybe add a motion sensor that sets off a snarl and groan MP3 when it detects little feet?

Before leaving the room every night say, "Don't forget, demons feed off the crying of little kids so, shhhhhh.... Daddy loves you. Sweet dreams."

Only if dad want's to pay for therapy bills for the rest of her life...

Still_Fluffy

I have two strong willed kids and we have had issues with them getting to sleep. The key we found was consistancy. I read to the kids, then I put them to bed by 8. If they wake up we will comfort them, but then back to sleep in their bed. If you cave and let them sleep with you they learn to hold out until you cave again. I would let them help pick out the bed and have a discussion about how they are a big kid now and will have to sleep in it. Then the first time they refuse to sleep in it DONT CAVE. Make them sleep in the bed. One or two night of little sleep is better than a life time of crappy sleep with your child.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I REALLY don't think crying it out is an option in this situation. She's 2 not 6 months and she sleeps with her mother half the time. This is the biggest issues here is lack of consistency and it's going to be a huge battle because of this.

odusgolp

Is he crafty? Maybe he cam make something like this, keep it under the daughter's bed and with a complex system of ropes and pulleys be able to make them come out and go back under before entering and after leaving the room. Maybe add a motion sensor that sets off a snarl and groan MP3 when it detects little feet?

Before leaving the room every night say, "Don't forget, demons feed off the crying of little kids so, shhhhhh.... Daddy loves you. Sweet dreams."

gypsy_spirit

There is no right or wrong about co-sleeping. Happy children come out of both situations. Mom and Dad, being divorced, do not HAVE to be on the same page. The remarkable thing about children is they are very adaptive to the environment they find themselves in. Mom likes to co-sleep - great. Dad doesn't want to co-sleep - great. Kids learn very early what parent's routines are like and adapt to the situation.

Dad just needs to have a plan when the child is at his house. Bedtime routines are important. Consistency in whatever he's doing is going to be crucial. As with helping a child learn anything, it takes patience. Learning to self soothe is a skill that children can and need to learn.

As others have said, this is a problem that most parents face at one time or another. Even if there was never any co-sleeping - children learn to climb out of cribs to come and find the people they love. They learn to get out of toddler beds. They can also get out of twin beds. It's a fact of life for parents. It doesn't last forever and forcing issues with toddlers sometimes can cause other issues.

Patience, consistency, teaching a child skills. All in all, just good parenting.

suremeansyes

Dad needs to suck it up and get her into the routine if he wants her in her own bed. When we first got l my stepdaughter in her own bed (at five mind you) I had to put her back to bed like 50+ times the first weekend. Next time went down to 12. Next time went down to 1. That was even with her sleeping in her mom's bed at other times. Be consistent. She knows if she throws a fit dad will give in.