Parenting Advice - Sleeping w/ Toddler

Eoghann

I'm not getting into the aspect of whether it's good or bad to cosleep.

But basically the only solution to this (not miraculous, usually quite painful at first) is to be consistent. If she's to be in her bed in her own room when at Dad's then he has to stick to that rule every night, not every night except when he's worn down.

randomtai

Simple. Kids sleep in their own bed and parents sleep in their own bed. There is no gray area. It's your job as a parent to not only love but to discipline as well.

This.

slouw10

Had same issue with my son, we got him his own bed and decorated his room to his liking - he was still not sure, so we got him a night light that stays on (They do not freak out then when awaking and it is dark and lonely then). His dad sits next to his bed till he falls asleep (normally about 10 minutes) and then he is fine in his own bed. Got a whole lot of confidence cause he is now a "BIG BOY" sleeping on his own....

likitisplit

I don't think a big kid bed will help. I think kids like that just want to sleep with someone; I don't think it's an aversion to her crib. At the age of two, she should know who she can sleep with and who she can't. And what I mean is, she's old enough to be taught that sleeping with mom is okay and sleeping with dad is not. Other than just sticking to your guns and letting her cry it out, I don't know what to tell you.

Also this. Repeat after me, "In this house, you sleep in your own bed."

When Nina was 2, she hated her crib because she was trapped in it. When we converted it to a toddler bed, she was sooo excited to sleep there.

MassiveDelta

I have 5 kids (including one about to turn 3 who likes to crawl into bed at 3 am).

Mom is wrong. (sorry its not for debate, doesnt make it less wrong)

She needs to support Dad (despite divorce) and have the child sleep in a separate bed. The mother is building support for a defiant youngster who gets their own way in everything. When she wins with Mommy Everyone else in the world loses including the child. The child is old enough to sleep on their own except in rare cases of severe night terrors or extreme fear of darkness.

giving in this young only encourages defiance and teaches them very early that they will always win in an argument with mommy. Kids are VERY smart they see the two differences at two locations and they know that there is clearly a difference between mom and dads opinion.

enterdanger

We had this issue with my 3 year old when he was 2. You don't want to set this precedent. Trust me, you especially won't want them in your bed when they start potty training within the next year.

I think it's probably different with every kid, but we are very firm with our bedtime routine. We did get our son a big-boy bed (we had to because I needed the crib for a new baby) and I let him pick out his blanket and sheets and he helped me decorate his room. We ended up with firetruck bedding and wall decals and he "helped" me pick out a chalkboard paint and paint one wall with chalkboard paint so we can color on it.

There are still the random mornings he sneaks in our bed, but on the whole he stays in his bed through the night. The other consideration is if you have a house with stairs, how do you keep them safe. This sounds awful, but I put one of those plastic covers on the door knob so he couldn't come out of his room in the night and potentially fall down the steps. He's bigger now, and our new house doesn't have stairs right next to his room, so we no longer have to do this.

Just a heads up, it did take a good month before he finally stayed in his room. It was like the worst month of my parenting life. He'd be up for hours and I would sit in there with him and hold his hand until he fell asleep. Eventually he accepted it. Now I just read his story and he goes to bed.

calibriintx

I recommend this book to everyone with kids with sleep issues. http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023

If she has an appropriate bedtime and good sleep hygiene, here's what I would do (I did this with mine, per the book's advice and it worked, and I have friends who have had success with it). Put her to bed and say goodnight. Walk out. If she cries, screams, etc. go in and console her. Then tell her that it's bedtime and you won't be speaking to her for the rest of the night. If she needs you, you'll come in, but you won't talk to her. Give her a hug and a kiss, and tell her you love her, and walk out. When she screams and cries and you go back in, hugs, hair smoothing, a drink of water, trip to the potty, and shushing are okay, but don't speak. DON'T. If you cave, she wins. And depending on her vocabulary, she'll try to get you to cave. Mine would start shouting I love you, over and over. UGH. She played dirty! I would smile and put my hand on my heart and then hug her. The first few times, I had to go back in a lot, but eventually she stopped crying and calling for me. The next few nights I only had to go back in one time. After that, no more crying or screaming at all and she would happily say goodnight when I walked out the first time.

She's 4.5 now and we've had new sleep issues pop up due to fears, etc., but after much hair pulling, I always go back to this book, fix what's wrong (inappropriate bedtime, sleep hygiene), and the no speaking after saying goodnight. Works every time. Obviously it may not work for every kid, but it's a very reliable method.


ETA: Maybe daddy could take her shopping and pick out a stuffed man doll for her sleep with. Like a prince from the Disney store with similar hair color or something. He could snuggled with her for daddy since "we have to sleep in our own beds."

rml_16

I don't think a big kid bed will help. I think kids like that just want to sleep with someone;

But it would be new and fun and might be more appealing to her. It's worth a try. She's going to need one eventually, anyway.

melimomTARDIS

whatever you do, be gentle. My son has always been a crap sleeper, and no matter what I tried (including several visits to a behavioral specialist pediatrician) he could not sleep sucessfully on his own.

I found out later, as he got older (he's a kindergartener now) he has anxiety/sensory processing disorder. we have made lots of progress, and now he sleeps in his bed at least most of the night, everynight. he comes into our room at around 4 AM and snuggles in.

My daughter (age 2) has had no such issues. She prefers to sleep alone, and resists sleeping with me even if she is sick.

Seconded- The no cry sleep solution. I climb into my son's twin size bed, rub his back and read him a story. I leave when he is calm, and ready to rest. When he was younger Id just cuddle him until he fell asleep, and sneak out.

UsedToBeHusky

That one is tough. Dad should talk to mom, if possible, and try to get her on the same page.

If not, then yes, try the big girl bed. Offer her lots and lots of praise for using the big girl bed. Make her feel like she is more grown up for sleeping in a big girl bed. And maybe, just maybe, she will pressure mom into getting her one too.

Is she afraid of sleeping alone? If so, then make sure dad reassures her that he can protect her from the other room. Also, maybe try sleeping with the doors open so she can get to him easily if she needs to.

There was a thread about a week or so ago about a divorced mom whose 8-yo was having trouble sleeping after moving in with her boyfriend and his kids. You might find some helpful advice there too.

Maaike84

Hmm... don't have any kids, but I do have divorced parents. Could the girl also be suffering from anxiety at not having her Dad around for part of the week, and Dad leaving? That anxiety might be at the root of the sleeping issue. So tackling that might work? Just a thought.... good luck!

rml_16

Is there a bedtime routine? Maybe try reading to her and sitting quietly in bed with her (and I think a big girl bed is a good idea for sure) for a half hour or so might help the situation a lot. Maybe rub her back a feet to relax her.

Books... esp. one on repeat a good 5 times *LOL* Back rubs... She may go out, but often wakes back up 15 minutes later pitching a fit.

Can he let her cry it out?

This is tough. At 2, she's not really old enough to understand reason. She just wants what's familiar. Having two different routines makes it nearly impossible.

ColeCake292012

You always hear people say how amazing co-sleeping is and yadda yadda yadda, then these same people turn around and admit that its REALLY hard to wean most co-sleeping children. I haven't been through this myself...we had our daughter in the same room as us, but in her own crib until she was a year. Then when she turned a year, we also moved into a bigger apartment, so the change went well. She has had her own room for six months now.

odusgolp

This is something I never truly understand why parents worry about.

Is the fear that the child will get used to sleeping with the parent, and not be able to stop? Do we know a lot of grownups who still sleep with their parents? I know my mom would find it odd...

Little kids want to sleep in bed with their parents. They eventually grow out of that. It's a different age for every kid. But at 2 I think it's completely normal.

This isn't a "it's wrong or weird to sleep with your parents" thing. I sleep w/ my kid and don't give a damn what anyone thinks about it... But in this case it's that DAD can't sleep with her in the bed. She's a hot mess and flails about all night... *LOL*

UsedToBeHusky

Link to that other thread if you need it. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1381957-parenting-advice-needed?hl=parenting+advice&page=1

mommyrunning

A big girl bed would probably help. It could be placed next to the parent's bed until she is used to it. But no matter what you decide consistency is important and a routine helps a lot so kids know what to expect. It takes a few weeks usually for a habit to start to stick. At first they often cooperate then the newness wears off and they aren't happy.


You might try to figure out specifically what causes her to not want to sleep alone. Maybe she wants to be with you guys in which case story time in her bed with you guys patting her back or rubbing her head until she is asleep might help. Does she wake up a lot? Is she scared when she wakes up? Sometimes things that we think are behavior problems are a result of sleep issues or things we've overlooked like scary shadows or noises kids hear in their room. My oldest child hated sleeping in her bed and would wake up several times a night at age 2. Finally, we convinced the doctors to do a sleep study and found out she had sleep apnea which can cause bad nightmares in children in addition to the constant waking up. She had surgery and that resolved most of the issues.

There is a book/website called the Sleep Lady. I used some of her tips to ease by daughter into sleeping in her own bed without the hours of crying.

WeepingAngel81

This is something I never truly understand why parents worry about.

Is the fear that the child will get used to sleeping with the parent, and not be able to stop? Do we know a lot of grownups who still sleep with their parents? I know my mom would find it odd...

Little kids want to sleep in bed with their parents. They eventually grow out of that. It's a different age for every kid. But at 2 I think it's completely normal.

I was going to say something very similar. Kids grow up so fast. I co-slept with both my kids until they were 2. Then I transitioned them to a big kid bed. It was a very easy transition for them. Every so often one of them will still ask to come and sleep with me and I welcome it. This won't last forever. My daughter is older now, so if she get scared of a thunderstorm or simply needs to feel close, she is welcome to come inside my room, but she is to sleep on the floor. I don't want her getting too comfy. When my son starts school, the same rule will apply to him. Each parent is different, each child is different.
I know it can't be easy when there are 2 parents in 2 separate houses trying to make it work with a 2 year old, but here's the thing. Mom and dad are now separate. A lot has changed for this little person's life. It sounds to me like she needs reassurance and to feel close to her mom and her dad. She may find comfort in sleeping with them. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. It's simply something this particular set of parents need to work through together, without making a fight about it.

jnichel

2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

Ear plugs for the parent(s). All three of our kids slept in the same room as us (not same bed) until they were around two years old. The two oldest made the transition to their own room/bed without too much fuss. The youngest put up a massive fight though. He would scream and cry for about two hours, and was constantly trying to come into our room to get in bed with us. Got to the point were we just started locking our door, and ignored the crying. Quit a few mornings, we woke up to find him sleeping on the floor just outside of our door with his favorite blanket, but after a few weeks, the crying and screaming lessened and he finally got to the point where he would go to sleep in his own bed without a sound. We didn't use ear plugs, but they would have helped. :laugh:

odusgolp

Great suggestions and reading material everyone Much appreciated!!