Living with an alcoholic

kwb87

Prioritize the dissertation over everything else. Make every decision in your personal life work towards the end goal of succeeding in your school work.
(Men come and go. Take care of yourself.)

Thanks, when he is drunk or refusing my help this is what keeps me going. At times I have put dissertation time aside to nurse him, check on him, check he is not going to drive anywhere and I know I have to stop doing this, he needs to take responsibility for himself and I can't let myself suffer

Fullsterkur_woman

ETA: Ding ding ding! You used the word "suffering" at the same time I just brought it up. That is the crux of the matter. You can cope with pain. Suffering is very difficult to cope with.

I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.

Thanks for the message and trust me I do wonder, I do much more than wonder, I try my best to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgmental friend and partner. I've not once asked him to stop drinking as I don't want to be the enemy but instead I've asked him what makes him feel the need to drink and I've asked what I can do for him. He says he feels lost and down but "doesn't need a professional". I've asked him if he'll talk to his friends and he says "I can manage my own issues".

I may sound harsh for putting back up plans in place of how to 'ditch him' but it is my health, wellbeing and career on the line and I don't know what else to do when he says time and time again "I don't enjoy drinking but I need it to shut off", "I love you and I don't want to lose you" and then "I think I'm never going to drink again", "I think I'll just never drink in the house again", "I think I'll only drink on weekends", "I think I'll just finish this bottle and then never again".

12 months ago we were head over heels in love and I'd never been happier, he is such an amazing man and I love him to bits, it really saddens me that he might not be ready to help himself and explore his motivations to drink.

It is sad, and I can relate. You didn't choose this, you didn't cause this, you can't stop this.

What you can do is accept that the world is as it is. Failing to do that is a sure recipe for suffering. You will experience pain if you have to leave for your own well-being, but pain cannot be avoided in this life, so again, acceptance will take you out of suffering, which is so very hard to endure. Pain can be endured.

I think the preparations you are making are the wise path.

RodaRose

The how and why of his drinking is going to take a team of professionals so asking him questions is not a good use of your energy and emotions. He should see a medical doctor and/or a psychiatrist about needing to "shut it off."

kwb87

Thanks for the overwhelming amount of support and also sorry to those who have lost loved ones or suffered alongside them. My partner isn't in as a low a place as many of the situations some of you have described but I know he could well head there and this is frightening.

Thanks so much, I appreciate all the comments - the supportive, critical and honest. Overall I feel incredibly encouraged and will be attending my first al-anon meeting tomorrow.

AliceDark

I may sound harsh for putting back up plans in place of how to 'ditch him' but it is my health, wellbeing and career on the line and I don't know what else to do when he says time and time again "I don't enjoy drinking but I need it to shut off", "I love you and I don't want to lose you" and then "I think I'm never going to drink again", "I think I'll just never drink in the house again", "I think I'll only drink on weekends", "I think I'll just finish this bottle and then never again".

12 months ago we were head over heels in love and I'd never been happier, he is such an amazing man and I love him to bits, it really saddens me that he might not be ready to help himself and explore his motivations to drink.

It doesn't sound harsh. It sounds realistic, and responsible. It's okay for you to be a good caretaker for yourself first. If you are in a situation that is endangering your health, wellbeing or career, it's okay to think about removing yourself from the situation. (Note: I'm not telling you to leave, or to stay. I'm just saying that it's okay to consider both possibilities, and to carefully weigh the consequences for yourself). You are not responsible for his happiness, but you are responsible for your own.

Fullsterkur_woman

The how and why of his drinking is going to take a team of professionals so asking him questions is not a good use of your energy and emotions. He should see a medical doctor and/or a psychiatrist about needing to "shut it off."

Exactly. "You guys have been the treatment center and you’re fired, because you suck at it. So you get to go back to being the [loved ones] and let the treatment center be the treatment center."

yopeeps025

The how and why of his drinking is going to take a team of professionals so asking him questions is not a good use of your energy and emotions. He should see a medical doctor and/or a psychiatrist about needing to "shut it off."

Sometimes he might just needs to hear it from people who are or were like him.

Source: I have been to two outpatient treatments for two DUIs at age 26.

I just wonder why is he so afraid to tell the one he so call loves what is hurting him. 100% something is hurting him. Concurrent disorders

kwb87

I may sound harsh for putting back up plans in place of how to 'ditch him' but it is my health, wellbeing and career on the line and I don't know what else to do when he says time and time again "I don't enjoy drinking but I need it to shut off", "I love you and I don't want to lose you" and then "I think I'm never going to drink again", "I think I'll just never drink in the house again", "I think I'll only drink on weekends", "I think I'll just finish this bottle and then never again".

12 months ago we were head over heels in love and I'd never been happier, he is such an amazing man and I love him to bits, it really saddens me that he might not be ready to help himself and explore his motivations to drink.

It doesn't sound harsh. It sounds realistic, and responsible. It's okay for you to be a good caretaker for yourself first. If you are in a situation that is endangering your health, wellbeing or career, it's okay to think about removing yourself from the situation. (Note: I'm not telling you to leave, or to stay. I'm just saying that it's okay to consider both possibilities, and to carefully weigh the consequences for yourself). You are not responsible for his happiness, but you are responsible for your own.

Thanks a lot for this

kwb87

Exactly. "You guys have been the treatment center and you’re fired, because you suck at it. So you get to go back to being the [loved ones] and let the treatment center be the treatment center."

Great quote, thanks

kwb87

The how and why of his drinking is going to take a team of professionals so asking him questions is not a good use of your energy and emotions. He should see a medical doctor and/or a psychiatrist about needing to "shut it off."

Sometimes he might just needs to hear it from people who are or were like him.

Source: I have been to two outpatient treatments for two DUIs at age 26.

I just wonder why is he so afraid to tell the one he so call loves what is hurting him. 100% something is hurting him. Concurrent disorders

I think it's possibly something on a par with a mid-life crisis. He's 38 and not challenged enough in his job, scared of losing his parents now they are getting older, he divorced several years back, had no children yet and not sure if and when he will want them...a number of things but I don't feel it's my job to pick these things apart and fix him. I mean I've tried but I realised that that is not my job. I've encouraged him to find his dream job etc but I can only encourage and support. I've had professional help myself in the past and I know it helped me, sadly I think there is still some degree of denial with him and a desire to appear strong and level headed.

WeepingAngel81

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. You sound so much like myself just a few years ago. I was also with a high functioning alcoholic. No one except myself and maybe 1 or 2 friends knew how much he drank. I made excuses for him, and tried to cover up his drinking because I was afraid to be alone. I didn't want to hear people telling me to get out, but that's exactly what I needed to do. You, almost word for word, explained my ex. In fact, just reading what you wrote started bringing back all of those panicky type of emotions I felt with him.
I got so caught up with trying to cover his issues, that I no longer had time to focus on my own. My life wasn't mine anymore. He had the control. You have already said that you had to put your dissertation aside to nurse him. This time in your life is far too important to have to worry about taking care of him when he's drunk. When I would try to "fight" back, it would get better for a moment, then it would go straight downhill again. He would start using things in my life as an excuse to drink. If I had a bad day at work, he would bring home wine and beer. If I didn't drink the wine, he would drink his beer plus the wine after I went to bed.
I continued to try and cover his faults, and control every aspect of my life. So much so, that I was alienating friends and family. I finally told him that I would not marry an alcoholic. We had been engaged, but it was starting to become too real. He then made excuses as to why he couldn't or wouldn't get help. This was even after I drove him to the ER once because his body was almost shutting down. The ER doc knew right away that he was an alcoholic, and even told him to get help. He refused because he's not christian so he didn't need AA (even after I told him it's higher power, not Christian based). He refused because he is from England and thought it ridiculous to pay for counseling (even though his job would have covered it for free).
In the end, his aggressive rants, very similar to that of the man you are with, became worse. So much worse. It finally came to a head when he decided to take drinking over being with me. My daughter watched as he threw me to the floor and kicked me in my face right before he walked out.

Stop making excuses for him. Stop nursing him. Stop putting your life on hold for the way he decides to live. Get out of that relationship. Until he decides he wants or needs help, it will only continue to get worse for you. Focus on your dissertation and the things you want for your life after school. Ask yourself if his behaviors are something you can live with for the rest of your life. You have some very real and personal questions you need to answer, and you can't do that when you are taking care of him.

martinel2099

He needs help, especially if he's getting in his vehicle while intoxicated. I don't care if it's a 5 minute drive, 3 miles, .5 miles, right next door etc. He has no business being behind that wheel, he could seriously injure or kill someone including himself.

LuvonLuv

Man-o-man! I never expected such a post to be on MFP but I'm glad it is. I felt like I was reading my story with this post. However the difference is that I'm married 6 years now to my husband who drinks. He gets annoying when he drinks, like picks on me about anything he can think about. I even tell him that I'm not discussing certain things while he's under the influence. He utterly denies his alcoholism and no one dares call him an alcoholic, because as far as he's concerned, he can hold his liquor and still be normal. He seems to not enjoy himself if there isn't liquor...he can't work if there isn't liquor...he works at home.
What do I do...I pray to God everytime for a calm tongue and allow me to maintain my peace of mind, when I realize where he's at. That's all I can do. Cause I certainly can't talk to him about it when he's sober or not. Nor can anyone else, so I'm like: what's the point breathing and sighing about it. I just decided to live with it cause otherwise he's okay.

Now if you see these things before marriage, that's another issue. If I had realized that he had this problem beforehand, I personally would not continue the relationship. But don't be influenced because everyone is different. Can you live with this...that's the big question. Are there any signs that he can be physically abusive when he's not sober...that's another important question. Is he sober enough to make important and sensible decisions in life?

I feel sad when my husband drinks. I feel sad that my son sees him drinking. I feel sad that my neighbors know. But I'm married and will honor my marital vow...as long as he honors it. For one who is not married...just know that this may very well be a lifelong problem. Only if he acknowledges that he's an alcoholic and takes steps to help himself, would any sort of relief come your way.

Good luck with your final decision on this!

yopeeps025

The how and why of his drinking is going to take a team of professionals so asking him questions is not a good use of your energy and emotions. He should see a medical doctor and/or a psychiatrist about needing to "shut it off."

Sometimes he might just needs to hear it from people who are or were like him.

Source: I have been to two outpatient treatments for two DUIs at age 26.

I just wonder why is he so afraid to tell the one he so call loves what is hurting him. 100% something is hurting him. Concurrent disorders

I think it's possibly something on a par with a mid-life crisis. He's 38 and not challenged enough in his job, scared of losing his parents now they are getting older, he divorced several years back, had no children yet and not sure if and when he will want them...a number of things but I don't feel it's my job to pick these things apart and fix him. I mean I've tried but I realised that that is not my job. I've encouraged him to find his dream job etc but I can only encourage and support. I've had professional help myself in the past and I know it helped me, sadly I think there is still some degree of denial with him and a desire to appear strong and level headed.

What I can say is sometimes alcohol can take over everything. I hear some stories in treatment that were pretty bad. Like how dare they do this to there SO and kids were involved too. Does he have a very close friend who he can tell everything and anything to?

iggyboo93

12 months ago we were head over heels in love and I'd never been happier, he is such an amazing man and I love him to bits, it really saddens me that he might not be ready to help himself and explore his motivations to drink.

He isn't as amazing as you think he is. YOU are amazing. You are working your butt off to complete your PhD and you are a great individual. You are meant to do awesome things and make a positive impact in the world. :flowerforyou: (wish I could bold this paragraph)

You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what motivates him to drink to excess and why he refuses help - this is futile. It could be biochemical, based on an earlier trauma, or he just has an addictive personality. If it was not booze, it could be something else. You may never know the cause. I dated an alcoholic in college and it was a nightmare. It took a long time to realize I'm worth more than this. I met my future husband, we had a wonderful daughter, and I'm thankful and amazed at my life on a daily basis.

It's like the weight loss - no one can do it for him. He has to make the decision to be sober on his own and work hard on it. Based on my experience, there is a low probability that he will succeed. You have to assess your risk and determine if the risk is worth it. Many many hugs to you and remember that you are awesome/amazing/beautiful/brilliant/spectacular.

kwb87

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. You sound so much like myself just a few years ago. I was also with a high functioning alcoholic. No one except myself and maybe 1 or 2 friends knew how much he drank. I made excuses for him, and tried to cover up his drinking because I was afraid to be alone. I didn't want to hear people telling me to get out, but that's exactly what I needed to do. You, almost word for word, explained my ex. In fact, just reading what you wrote started bringing back all of those panicky type of emotions I felt with him.
I got so caught up with trying to cover his issues, that I no longer had time to focus on my own. My life wasn't mine anymore. He had the control. You have already said that you had to put your dissertation aside to nurse him. This time in your life is far too important to have to worry about taking care of him when he's drunk. When I would try to "fight" back, it would get better for a moment, then it would go straight downhill again. He would start using things in my life as an excuse to drink. If I had a bad day at work, he would bring home wine and beer. If I didn't drink the wine, he would drink his beer plus the wine after I went to bed.
I continued to try and cover his faults, and control every aspect of my life. So much so, that I was alienating friends and family. I finally told him that I would not marry an alcoholic. We had been engaged, but it was starting to become too real. He then made excuses as to why he couldn't or wouldn't get help. This was even after I drove him to the ER once because his body was almost shutting down. The ER doc knew right away that he was an alcoholic, and even told him to get help. He refused because he's not christian so he didn't need AA (even after I told him it's higher power, not Christian based). He refused because he is from England and thought it ridiculous to pay for counseling (even though his job would have covered it for free).
In the end, his aggressive rants, very similar to that of the man you are with, became worse. So much worse. It finally came to a head when he decided to take drinking over being with me. My daughter watched as he threw me to the floor and kicked me in my face right before he walked out.

Stop making excuses for him. Stop nursing him. Stop putting your life on hold for the way he decides to live. Get out of that relationship. Until he decides he wants or needs help, it will only continue to get worse for you. Focus on your dissertation and the things you want for your life after school. Ask yourself if his behaviors are something you can live with for the rest of your life. You have some very real and personal questions you need to answer, and you can't do that when you are taking care of him.

Thanks for sharing this, for all the support and advice and I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I'm learning not to feel selfish for putting my work first. 10 years ago I was struggling to get by on minimum wage, I managed to get onto a foundation course, then a degree then a PhD and I've worked so hard to achieve my dream career, this final year means so much to me. It's so difficult watching the intelligent, creative and attentive man I love disappear for several hours each day into some aggressive/sad/emotional/obsessive drunk. My university income from research and teaching is modest. At the moment I pay for 50% of his mortgage and bills. I don't know if I could find a place but I do constantly search property sites for my 'escape plan' and I've told him this.

yopeeps025

12 months ago we were head over heels in love and I'd never been happier, he is such an amazing man and I love him to bits, it really saddens me that he might not be ready to help himself and explore his motivations to drink.

He isn't as amazing as you think he is. YOU are amazing. You are working your butt off to complete your PhD and you are a great individual. You are meant to do awesome things and make a positive impact in the world. :flowerforyou: (wish I could bold this paragraph)

You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what motivates him to drink to excess and why he refuses help - this is futile. It could be biochemical, based on an earlier trauma, or he just has an addictive personality. If it was not booze, it could be something else. You may never know the cause. I dated an alcoholic in college and it was a nightmare. It took a long time to realize I'm worth more than this. I met my future husband, we had a wonderful daughter, and I'm thankful and amazed at my life on a daily basis.

It's like the weight loss - no one can do it for him. He has to make the decision to be sober on his own and work hard on it. Based on my experience, there is a low probability that he will succeed. You have to assess your risk and determine if the risk is worth it. Many many hugs to you and remember that you are awesome/amazing/beautiful/brilliant/spectacular.

helping out .

sofaking6

I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.

That *almost* sounds like you're saying that it's her fault he drinks.

yopeeps025

OP at what time did the excess drinking start happening? Was it always there and you never notice?

I am not putting any blame on you BTW. He is a grown men.

As for the drinking and drinking I sure he thinks like how I used to. Only four drives impairs someone to drive. I am sure his tolerance is like twice the size of mine and that is not good. Four beers did nothing to me before. I have cut back a lot on drinking this year and I honestly feel way better mentally and of course physically.

WeepingAngel81

I think it's possibly something on a par with a mid-life crisis. He's 38 and not challenged enough in his job, scared of losing his parents now they are getting older, he divorced several years back, had no children yet and not sure if and when he will want them...a number of things but I don't feel it's my job to pick these things apart and fix him. I mean I've tried but I realised that that is not my job. I've encouraged him to find his dream job etc but I can only encourage and support. I've had professional help myself in the past and I know it helped me, sadly I think there is still some degree of denial with him and a desire to appear strong and level headed.

This entire statement right here will be your entire life should you stay with him. You are making excuses. So what if he's 38 and doesn't have kids? Drinking in excess isn't going to change that! So what if his job doesn't challenge him? What is he doing to make this area of his life better? Alcohol is his crutch and you are the one holding that crutch. I know I have already told you to get out and focus on yourself, but seriously.....get out and focus on yourself!