Living with an alcoholic
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Prioritize the dissertation over everything else. Make every decision in your personal life work towards the end goal of succeeding in your school work.
(Men come and go. Take care of yourself.)
I have been in a similar situation. If they are not willing to change, they will not change And you are paying the price for it. You are setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak. Like the above poster said concentrate on your career. He may still be functioning but it will eventually collapse. And I agree with the posters who say to inform the police when he drives drunk. You do not want to live with a murder on your conscience.0 -
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. You sound so much like myself just a few years ago. I was also with a high functioning alcoholic. No one except myself and maybe 1 or 2 friends knew how much he drank. I made excuses for him, and tried to cover up his drinking because I was afraid to be alone. I didn't want to hear people telling me to get out, but that's exactly what I needed to do. You, almost word for word, explained my ex. In fact, just reading what you wrote started bringing back all of those panicky type of emotions I felt with him.
I got so caught up with trying to cover his issues, that I no longer had time to focus on my own. My life wasn't mine anymore. He had the control. You have already said that you had to put your dissertation aside to nurse him. This time in your life is far too important to have to worry about taking care of him when he's drunk. When I would try to "fight" back, it would get better for a moment, then it would go straight downhill again. He would start using things in my life as an excuse to drink. If I had a bad day at work, he would bring home wine and beer. If I didn't drink the wine, he would drink his beer plus the wine after I went to bed.
I continued to try and cover his faults, and control every aspect of my life. So much so, that I was alienating friends and family. I finally told him that I would not marry an alcoholic. We had been engaged, but it was starting to become too real. He then made excuses as to why he couldn't or wouldn't get help. This was even after I drove him to the ER once because his body was almost shutting down. The ER doc knew right away that he was an alcoholic, and even told him to get help. He refused because he's not christian so he didn't need AA (even after I told him it's higher power, not Christian based). He refused because he is from England and thought it ridiculous to pay for counseling (even though his job would have covered it for free).
In the end, his aggressive rants, very similar to that of the man you are with, became worse. So much worse. It finally came to a head when he decided to take drinking over being with me. My daughter watched as he threw me to the floor and kicked me in my face right before he walked out.
Stop making excuses for him. Stop nursing him. Stop putting your life on hold for the way he decides to live. Get out of that relationship. Until he decides he wants or needs help, it will only continue to get worse for you. Focus on your dissertation and the things you want for your life after school. Ask yourself if his behaviors are something you can live with for the rest of your life. You have some very real and personal questions you need to answer, and you can't do that when you are taking care of him.
Thanks for sharing this, for all the support and advice and I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I'm learning not to feel selfish for putting my work first. 10 years ago I was struggling to get by on minimum wage, I managed to get onto a foundation course, then a degree then a PhD and I've worked so hard to achieve my dream career, this final year means so much to me. It's so difficult watching the intelligent, creative and attentive man I love disappear for several hours each day into some aggressive/sad/emotional/obsessive drunk. My university income from research and teaching is modest. At the moment I pay for 50% of his mortgage and bills. I don't know if I could find a place but I do constantly search property sites for my 'escape plan' and I've told him this.
Where there is a will ,there is a way! Trust me! I have 2 kids to raise, and at the time my relationship was over, I was a stay at home mom. I had no income, no daycare so I could look for a job, no way of paying bills. I had nothing. My friends were there to help. My family did what they could (we live far apart). Within a month I had a job, a new place to live, and daycare, as well as a lawyer for custody. I did what I had to in order to get by. I sold everything I owned from my dishes to my own plasma. I am in a much better place now. If you don't make up your own mind, he will do it for you. He knows you are looking for an escape plan, and trust me....he will use that to his advantage if it means he has control. You need to make a decision and either go or stay. However, if you stay you be prepared for a lifetime of heartache.0 -
Im there, ive been there for a long time, i have no answer for you because i dont have one for myself. Its very difficult to watch someone kill themselves drink by drink, to walk on eggshells when the anger sets in, to keep it all secret. Itll wear you down, youll hate the "drunk" him so much that eventually you cant love the sober him. This after 31 years, this is my life now, it is not too late dont let this be your life.0
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You can't help an alcoholic. They will only get better if they want to get better. In his mind, he is handling it just fine. He's working, he does DIY projects, etc. So what's the problem?
The problem is he's a high-functioning drunk. And trust me when I say it won't change until he hits rock bottom. And he's nowhere near rock bottom.
It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to live this way. You will have to give him an ultimatum and then stick with it. You can't save him. All the hard work is up to him.
(former fiance was an alcoholic - I left him. Best friend is an alcoholic who has had life threatening seizures when he stops, and has the beginnings of liver failure)
unfortunatley this was my experience too, you cannot save him only he can and it is up to you whether you want to live this way- you can only control your decisions and what you want. for me it took a very long time to end it, for me to reach the point where i just couldnt live like that anymore, i wanted better for me and my children, i wanted my children to know that its not ok-by not doing anything it sends a bad message, by just going along and not making the difficult decisions it was a sort of enabling... i was with my ex 20 years and knew he had a drinking problem before i married him but you think they will change, that it is a phase, they will grow out of it, you think 'is he really that bad, are things really that bad' when things are going well, that their family will be what is most important, but sadly they are not...i wish you luck with the difficult decisions you decide to make0 -
I think it's possibly something on a par with a mid-life crisis. He's 38 and not challenged enough in his job, scared of losing his parents now they are getting older, he divorced several years back, had no children yet and not sure if and when he will want them...a number of things but I don't feel it's my job to pick these things apart and fix him. I mean I've tried but I realised that that is not my job. I've encouraged him to find his dream job etc but I can only encourage and support. I've had professional help myself in the past and I know it helped me, sadly I think there is still some degree of denial with him and a desire to appear strong and level headed.
These are all excuses. If nothing else at age 38 he should have learnt that life sucks and it doesn't always turn out the way we want it to.
And if he can't handle these things NOW, just imagine how he will be once things get really tough.
From what you've said, it is not that he is too proud to get help/appear strong, he's just not interested. He's perfectly okay being a drunk.
And really, what's his motivation to quit or get help? You're still there, acting as his shoulder to cry on, and picking up the mess behind him.
When you're dealing with an alcoholic, you're not dealing with someone in their "right mind."0 -
Thanks yopeeps!
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I was not criticizing or judging OP.... she is actually handling the situation far more maturely and lovingly than most people in her situation do. I have been a divorce attorney for 31 years, so I know all too well what alcohol does to people and relationships. I was merely saying that there is a lot more going on and we should not be so quick to write this guy off... by her own account he is great guy with tons of potential and capable of loving her greatly.... he is drinking for a reason.... and because he has value, there is value in discovering the source of his unhappiness....0
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This is not about the above topic but I am incredibly impressed you have lost 97 lbs. HOW??? I have 100 lbs to lose. Today is the first day. I've got to do this.....0
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It will only escalate if he is unwilling to acknowledge he has a problem that needs to be addressed. It WILL escalate. Maybe not this year, maybe not in three years but, sadly, it will get worse. These things NEVER get better.
And yes I have experience in this; from family, to friends to being an addict myself.
Alcohol is a drug, in case some other smartypants reading this want to argue.
^^ this a million times.
Don't have kids with him. Don't believe the promises - he will always break them. Don't think it gets better when he stops drinking - one can be a dry drunk like my dad. It was just as bad when dad wasn't drinking. The unpredictable life that comes with this addiction is so incredibly stressful. Don't think that your career won't be affected - this affliction worms itself into every aspect of your life. REPEAT - IT NEVER GETS BETTER!!
If you choose to stay with him:
1.) be prepared to deal with disappointment. Every. Single. Time.
2.) scotch-proof your car when you have to drive him to rehab in the middle of the night so you don't have to replace the puked on carpet for the 23rd time.
3.) have money available for bail and legal fees
4.) get your stories straight for when family members ask you embarrassing questions or accept when you are ignored at family gatherings
5.) have an escape plan when you have to leave a social function in humiliation
6.) make sure you have the money for the deductible when he beats the crap out of you and you have to go to the ER
7.) don't ever bring him to work functions - it's a career limiting move having your spouse get hammered at the holiday party
8.) don't keep anything of value in the house anymore - it will get busted / destroyed / pawned / stolen by his "friends" at one point
9.) don't expect your friends to continually support you after they have begged you to leave the relationship
10.) accept the face that you are an enabler, a codependent and your self worth will approach zero.
He will blame you for his failures. His future drinking buddies will mean more to him than you. You will have no safety net. You will grow to hate him. Eventually, the alcoholism will ruin his brain, he will lose short term / long term memory, lose some bodily function and you will live out your life as his full time caregiver / punching bag if he doesn't die prematurely.
You are so much better than this.
So much this. I have experienced most of the things listed above.
Your education is very important to you, and congratulations on your success!
My ex-husband is an alcoholic. He hid it very well from me while we were dating, and by the time his first pancreatitis kicked in we had been married for 2 years. I lost count of how many days I had to take off work to take him to the hospital, or rehab, or had to stay home with the kids because he was too sick from trying to quit drinking. I can't remember how many jobs he quit because his anxiety from trying to stay sober while working was too high.
I am sad and angry to admit that I enabled his behavior for so many years hoping his recovery would finally stick...this time. I did grow to hate him, and lost any and all romantic feelings for him. I left him finally, and it has been the best decision I ever could have made in that situation. He has currently been sober for over 2 years, and I am happy for him. We get along just fine now, but I will never feel about him the way I did when we were first married. He is a good father, and does spend time with the kids. He has managed to hold down the same job for over a year. But I know in the back of my mind there is a small part of me that will always be waiting for him to relapse.
I hope you find some answers that will help you through this very difficult time.0 -
I'm with everyone else.
Things don't get better from this point on with an alcoholic, unless HE decides to change and HE does something about his problem. It's not YOUR responsibility to change him. He and only he can change him.
You need to come to terms with what you want and with what you're willing to accept. You need to draw a line in the sand and say, "You either face up to your problem and deal with it, or we're done." And COMMIT to whatever you say you're going to do. If you say you're going to leave, walk out the door. There is no negotiating with terrorists, and alcoholism is a fierce opponent.
(And he does just quit cold-turkey, without acknowledging that he has a problem? Dry drunks are rage monsters. Stay away.)0 -
For you, I would recommend you read the book "Under The Influence". It's a quick but very beneficial read, to teach you about the physiological aspects of alcoholism. You need to understand it's a disease that doesn't ever go away. Him not drinking long term is going to take something drastic.
So long as you continue to make excuses for his behavior, you are enabling him; sad, but it is what it is. Definitely please look into Al anon.
Best of luck (just under 12 years sober)0 -
This. No matter what consequences he faces, they're better than allowing him to kill someone.And next time he gets in his car drunk, call the police and tell them where to find him. He's going to kill someone.
I agree, but I would give him a warning first. I would tell him if he drives I'm calling the police and if he drove anyways I would call.0 -
I can relate to everything you wrote except the flowers and guilt gifts. Only had a few of those. Anyway, it does not get better unless the alcoholic wants to change. My husband had a DUI and was off the sauce for 9 months. He felt better, he lost weight, his psoariasis almost went away and he and I were doing really well. Eventually he went back to the alcohol. I was married and I take it you are not. Get out of the relationship. I had 3 children and was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. His addictive behaviors expanded to gambling, not big time but had to remortagage the house to pay off credit card debt from borrowing money on it. He died in a car accident on his way to work. He too went to work and was a good worker. Because of drinking the night before his blood alcohol was .1 which was .02 over the limit. I only got half of his dealth benefit and had to use that to pay off the house. Overall I was out $100,000. I was too young to collect SS and too old to start over. I'm sorry this is so long. But this could eventually be you. Cut your losses, focus on you PhD and rebuild a life without him unless he has a real epiphany. I wish you the best. By the way I was married for 35 years and few were good.0
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I hadn't read all the responses. Just so you know even when you threaten to call the police, he'll find a way around it. My husband would walk home drunk.0
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That's it I'm going to stay single.
I'm in awe of the strength of you guys that stayed, trying to fix your families.
My heart is with you....0 -
Just don't marry him or have kids with him. Have a back up plan in case you need to get out. Stay as long as you feel comfortable, but don't let him guilt you into staying if/when you want to leave. His addiction is not your responsibility. Good luck and stay safe. :flowerforyou:0
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What are you thinking OP? Do you think you have decided to stay?0
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Just don't marry him or have kids with him. Have a back up plan in case you need to get out. Stay as long as you feel comfortable, but don't let him guilt you into staying if/when you want to leave. His addiction is not your responsibility. Good luck and stay safe. :flowerforyou:
Thank you 0 -
What are you thinking OP? Do you think you have decided to stay?
Thanks for this. It wasn't so simple as 'should I stay, should I go?' really. I've taken on board everything that everyone here has said and also what my one close friend (the only one I've spoke to about this) has said. Last night after posting on here, my partner came home with several bottles of diet coke and made a promise to turn his life around. I'm not as naive as I was the first time he said this, or the second. We had a good conversation last night and I told him about the al-anon meetings - I think that was a bit of a shock to him. He said "I don't need a meeting, I'm ready to handle it", I told him that the meetings are for ME and not HIM and that I too need support. I reminded him that he can talk to me anytime, we spoke about some of his fears etc... and things felt positive - they still do now. I told him that I don't want to have to look once more for a flat/room to rent but he knows I am preparing to leave if I have to.
I don't wish to sound negative but I will see how long this stint of abstinence lasts and monitor the situation. Some people here have suggested I might be too forgiving or making too many excuses for him but to be honest, me staying here in this house - without the upheaval of moving is what is best for me right now while I finish my PhD. I only have 12 months to go. My partner isn't violent, fortunately he is also not (yet) at a stage where he is soiling himself or putting himself at risk physically within the home. The most dangerous of things is definitely him getting in his car drunk and if I'm here I can stop him. I'm hoping his addiction is rooted in something psychological and something he will be able to resolve. I'm less hopeful of this after reading some of the personal experiences told on here - those about long periods of abstinence and then relapse etc... It sounds an awful life for those involved and some of the stories have really saddened me. I don't want that to be my story in 20/30/40 years time.
I'm going to look into my finances and then over the next 12 months try to put aside some money. I'm going to be open and up-front with my partner about how I feel (I try to do this anyway). I'm not going to get married or pregnant in this time. I'm going to continue to look after my mind and body and put 100% into my work. Not cut out my friends (I tend to do this to focus on my work/look after my partner).
Thanks everyone once again for the support, I really didn't expect such overwhelming support and advice. And thanks too to those who have shared personal experiences - so many of you sound so strong and brave to leave situations especially where married and with children. I know that this is something I may well have to do myself but I'm not just yet ready to through away a wonderful man for the sake of 12 months of dark times we have experienced. If things are no different in 12 months from now I'll feel I have no choice but to leave.0 -
For you, I would recommend you read the book "Under The Influence". It's a quick but very beneficial read, to teach you about the physiological aspects of alcoholism. You need to understand it's a disease that doesn't ever go away. Him not drinking long term is going to take something drastic.
So long as you continue to make excuses for his behavior, you are enabling him; sad, but it is what it is. Definitely please look into Al anon.
Best of luck (just under 12 years sober)
Thanks for this and well done with your sobriety, I will take a look at that book.0 -
What are you thinking OP? Do you think you have decided to stay?
Thanks for this. It wasn't so simple as 'should I stay, should I go?' really. I've taken on board everything that everyone here has said and also what my one close friend (the only one I've spoke to about this) has said. Last night after posting on here, my partner came home with several bottles of diet coke and made a promise to turn his life around. I'm not as naive as I was the first time he said this, or the second. We had a good conversation last night and I told him about the al-anon meetings - I think that was a bit of a shock to him. He said "I don't need a meeting, I'm ready to handle it", I told him that the meetings are for ME and not HIM and that I too need support. I reminded him that he can talk to me anytime, we spoke about some of his fears etc... and things felt positive - they still do now. I told him that I don't want to have to look once more for a flat/room to rent but he knows I am preparing to leave if I have to.
I don't wish to sound negative but I will see how long this stint of abstinence lasts and monitor the situation. Some people here have suggested I might be too forgiving or making too many excuses for him but to be honest, me staying here in this house - without the upheaval of moving is what is best for me right now while I finish my PhD. I only have 12 months to go. My partner isn't violent, fortunately he is also not (yet) at a stage where he is soiling himself or putting himself at risk physically within the home. The most dangerous of things is definitely him getting in his car drunk and if I'm here I can stop him. I'm hoping his addiction is rooted in something psychological and something he will be able to resolve. I'm less hopeful of this after reading some of the personal experiences told on here - those about long periods of abstinence and then relapse etc... It sounds an awful life for those involved and some of the stories have really saddened me. I don't want that to be my story in 20/30/40 years time.
I'm going to look into my finances and then over the next 12 months try to put aside some money. I'm going to be open and up-front with my partner about how I feel (I try to do this anyway). I'm not going to get married or pregnant in this time. I'm going to continue to look after my mind and body and put 100% into my work. Not cut out my friends (I tend to do this to focus on my work/look after my partner).
Thanks everyone once again for the support, I really didn't expect such overwhelming support and advice. And thanks too to those who have shared personal experiences - so many of you sound so strong and brave to leave situations especially where married and with children. I know that this is something I may well have to do myself but I'm not just yet ready to through away a wonderful man for the sake of 12 months of dark times we have experienced. If things are no different in 12 months from now I'll feel I have no choice but to leave.
There is always another choice right? At least this behavior came before you got married right? Actions speak louder than words. I said in my treatment that I would stay sober till I get to my weight goal. Did that happen. NO. Did I drink to excess. No not even close. Me cutting out my binge drinking habits cause like close to a pound loss weekly.
I am a bad example to ask about a situation about this. One hand is try to help this special person. The other hand said my schooling is almost over and I really want that degree add the credentials to my name. Where would I lean towards in your situation. I just do not know.
At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.0 -
Thank you for posting this OP,
A really interesting topic and so many great replies..
Got to go think for a bit.0 -
People can do what they want to themselves but this is seriously bad, If you know he does this and you do nothing to stop him and he kills someone how would you feel? People don't change unless they have a serious perspective change, this could be him loosing his driving licence, his job or you, let's hope he only harms himself in the process!He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.0 -
I understand where everybody is coming from with this, but I feel like it's just putting more responsibility onto her, where it doesn't belong. She needs to spend less time policing and controlling his behavior, not more. It's sometimes coming across like a guilt trip, and that is not constructive for her. The most effective thing is to focus on herself, taking care of herself, and that is all.
People can do what they want to themselves but this is seriously bad, If you know he does this and you do nothing to stop him and he kills someone how would you feel? People don't change unless they have a serious perspective change, this could be him loosing his driving licence, his job or you, let's hope he only harms himself in the process!He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.0 -
The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.0 -
Al Anon will become your best friend!! nothing you can do about your partner. He has to WANT to change. He has to hit rock bottom before he can start to surface for the top. He has to do the changing. We have to be able to cope. Al anon has hepled me a great deal.0
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I understand where everybody is coming from with this, but I feel like it's just putting more responsibility onto her, where it doesn't belong. She needs to spend less time policing and controlling his behavior, not more. It's sometimes coming across like a guilt trip, and that is not constructive for her. The most effective thing is to focus on herself, taking care of herself, and that is all.
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Thanks for the support
I didn't expect such an overwhelming amount of support. The comments about his driving under the influence are a bit more difficult to digest because it's not that simple. Sometimes I don't even know he has had a drink at all because he can hide it well and his tolerance is so high. I'm beginning to learn that he isn't noticibly intoxicated until he's roughly half way through a second bottle of wine. At other times I've put my work on hold to drive out myself to get him a pizza and then returned to my work or had to finish up early. There have also been times where we have been out and he is probably just over the limit to drive so I insist we walk, sometimes he's walked with me, other times I've walked home alone will he drives home. There have been perhaps 5-10 of these different occasions in total, so it isn't every week but it's enough to make me stop and question everything and clearly enough to make me come here and seek help.0 -
Sorry the above was in response to Fullsterkur_w with her quote at the top. I'm not sure what happened to the quote box!0
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Al Anon will become your best friend!! nothing you can do about your partner. He has to WANT to change. He has to hit rock bottom before he can start to surface for the top. He has to do the changing. We have to be able to cope. Al anon has hepled me a great deal.
Thanks for this. I'm hoping they will help. I'm feeling much more positive already.0 -
The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.
I am just giving her a perspective that she might not see since I used to be a heavy drinker. She enough or she would just say I am done with this guy.
As for how long I have been sober it has been closer to a month of sobriety. If I look at these pass 8 months to any 8 month period since I started drinking, my alcohol quantity has drop by around 80%.0
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