Living with an alcoholic
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al-anon0
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OP so what do you think if he were to come across this thread and read it?
Like you said you want him. If you did not you would have already made your decision I think.0 -
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It seems that he is a great guy. Even when drinking, despite the driving under the influence and bit of unwelcome roughness. I truly hope that he gets some help for this issue.0
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Support for yourself is key to get stronger--ALANON or counseling or both---sometimes leaving with love is the best thing you can do for yourself and the other as it gives them (and you) a chance to shake out the relationship---work on your own self & be confronted with what's really there, self care is key ---you must love your self first to love someone else....separating may give him the self reflection or bottom he needs without you there. Prayers for his recovery and your protection, heart, decisions...it really is a one day at a time thing...be good to you and the rest will fall into place...as its meant to be...0
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This thread is so terribly sad. Alcohol ruins lives. Some things are so dangerous and destructive they should be completely avoided. Why do many in our society believe the seductive "moderation" lie?0
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Please leave....
My world was torn apart from an alcoholic.
The children have went through counseling etc.
The quicker you get away the faster the healing process will be.
It is so easy for us to type this and much harder for you to follow through with it.
I understand that.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.
I am just giving her a perspective that she might not see since I used to be a heavy drinker. She enough or she would just say I am done with this guy.
As for how long I have been sober it has been closer to a month of sobriety. If I look at these pass 8 months to any 8 month period since I started drinking, my alcohol quantity has drop by around 80%.
I am glad to hear that you are getting help for the drinking, but at the same time, I agree that your perspective at this point is still a bit biased. It's not as easy sometimes as just packing up and leaving. For the person living with the alcoholic, there are many questions that need to be asked. There are many feelings that need to be addressed before taking that step. She shouldn't have to drag him to AA. This won't help her any, and it only continues to place the burden back on her.0 -
Your friend sounds like someone I know. No one could control or help his alcoholism. Absolutely no one. Dragging him to an AA meeting? He never went until the end; but even then, you can lead a horse to water..
He wouldn't stop for anything - - he was in full-on denial about how his behaviors impacted others. Any attempts to get him to stop ironically became excuses for him to drink.
He was never fired as a result of his drinking. He never hit his wife or kids. He was very 'high-functioning' with a good job, et cetera. No DUIs, incarcerations. Inexorably though, things got continually worse for him. For people who have 'the problem' - and believe me two bottles of wine every night is indicative of a problem - things will always get worse. Solemn vows will be broken. It is simply how this progresses.
Your friend sounds just like mine - he easily could go through a bottle of wine with no one knowing. But the tip-switch got ever-more sensitive, and when too much was too much, it went from not enough to completely soused.
The underlying problem might have been that, at some point in his life, my buddy stopped maturing emotionally. He gradually gave over his ability to handle life's ups and downs to the easy cure-all of a drink. When the news was really bad, get nice and drunk, and suddenly don't care anymore. Soon enough it didn't matter whether the news was really bad or not. Great day? Celebrate and get drunk. Bad day? Cheer yourself up by getting drunk. Traffic was bad? Stub your toe? Sun is too bright? Too much rain?
You, OP, cannot control that person. Believe it or not you're risking cultivating some extraordinarily bad habits by trying. You can be of some help to that person but in essentially none of the ways that we would typically think of 'helping'.
With love,
Burt0 -
That's it I'm going to stay single.
Good call.0 -
With love,
Burt
Heh...I noticed that was missing for a moment.0 -
With love,
Burt
Heh...I noticed that was missing for a moment.
Hard to remember it when it's actually meant most sincerely perhaps.0 -
Please leave....
My world was torn apart from an alcoholic.
The children have went through counseling etc.
The quicker you get away the faster the healing process will be.
It is so easy for us to type this and much harder for you to follow through with it.
I understand that.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
Exactly this. I married an alcoholic...a high functioning alcoholic. He was and is a wonderful man when he's sober. 32 years later I left. I held on...was miserable for years and years. Always hoping he'd change...perhaps even believing deep down inside myself that I could change him. His drinking became worse. In the end...I had to go. I wonder if I'd simply said..."It's me or the bottle" and meant it, would he have quit drinking? I enabled the man I loved to continue to destroy his life.
Leave,
I know how hard that is to do...I didn't have the strength. I hope you do. :flowerforyou:0 -
OP, here is my story. Listen up good.....
I am married to a high functioning alcoholic, I often call him "The Professional". Every night he downs a half pint of liquor & 2 - 3 22oz beers. He literally drinks himself into a stupor every night.
We didn't live with each other until a a week or two before we got married. So I wasn't completely aware of his drinking problem. However, there were some huge red flags that I also ignored. You see, he had 2 prior DUIs one back in 1998 & another in 2006 - both occurred before we started dating. Both times he was ordered to attend AA and both times AA was a joke to him. To him, the people in AA had it far worse than him: He never lost a job or go to work late, he has never lost his home, never lost any loved ones. So in his mind, his alcohol problem was no where near like the people in AA - so he never stopped drinking. He would laugh & say that after going to those AA meetings he needed a drink.
Fast forward to when we got married in 2009. I started seeing the ugly parts of him when he was drunk. He was emotionally & verbally abusive when drunk. Picking fights & accusing me of cheating constantly - very paranoid. Not to mention the emotional distance the alcohol creates, how is he there for me if he is passed out drunk?
We have had serious problems in our marriage due to his drinking. He has no control when out with friends. You don't know how many times he stayed out all night because he got too drunk to go home. A married *kitten* man needs to come home every night. It was rough & you don't know how many times I wanted to pack his crap & kick him out. I even went to see a divorce lawyer & be informed of my rights.
We are still married. The verbal abuse is no longer happening because I no longer engage him when he wants to pick fights. When I start noticing he is getting feisty while drinking, I go in the bedroom & shut the door & lock it. If he wants to argue he can do it by himself - and where's the fun in that? He no longer stays out all night because I have laid down the law & he has stopped hanging around with the alcoholic friends he had.
Although my husband has made "better" changes (for lack of a better word) he is still an alcoholic. Had I paid attention to the red flags, I would've left my husband alone while we were dating. Being the wife of an alcoholic is not fun or easy. My husband has embarrassed himself (& me) at job functions due to his drinking, he has embarrassed himself (& me) at family outings.
OP, my advice to you is to not marry this man. He is not healthy mentally or physically. It is draining emotionally & even physically. Right now you can still make a clean break to take this opportunity & run! Go to Al-Anon so you don't make this mistake again. He will never change.
At the moment, I am at a crossroads. I love my husband dearly but I myself am not very healthy emotionally or physically. So I have started taking care of myself to lose this extra weight I have gained, I have been seeing a counselor, & started living my life as if my husband wasn't in it. I figure once I get myself right emotionally & physically, I will be able to make better decisions about my quality of life. We have a 3 year old together & that adds another element of difficulty in all of this. Fortunately, she hasn't witnessed her daddy drunk since he starts drinking after she goes to bed.
You can love & support your boyfriend from afar. Take it from someone who married an alcoholic, it isn't easy.0 -
Best relationship advice I have ever seen is ..."If you’re wondering if you should break up with him, break up with him". From Allie's Rules for High School, a good read and list for most everyone, not just high schoolers
It is a tell tell sign that you know there is a problem in the relationship whether it be from alcohol or anything else. This is the advice I will give my teenage daughters when they begin to date.0 -
My father died. His liver ruptured from the damage of years of drinking. Last night my friend died... her mother in law found her. She was only 33. Get support and help now.0
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Your friend sounds like someone I know. No one could control or help his alcoholism. Absolutely no one. Dragging him to an AA meeting? He never went until the end; but even then, you can lead a horse to water..
He wouldn't stop for anything - - he was in full-on denial about how his behaviors impacted others. Any attempts to get him to stop ironically became excuses for him to drink.
He was never fired as a result of his drinking. He never hit his wife or kids. He was very 'high-functioning' with a good job, et cetera. No DUIs, incarcerations. Inexorably though, things got continually worse for him. For people who have 'the problem' - and believe me two bottles of wine every night is indicative of a problem - things will always get worse. Solemn vows will be broken. It is simply how this progresses.
Your friend sounds just like mine - he easily could go through a bottle of wine with no one knowing. But the tip-switch got ever-more sensitive, and when too much was too much, it went from not enough to completely soused.
The underlying problem might have been that, at some point in his life, my buddy stopped maturing emotionally. He gradually gave over his ability to handle life's ups and downs to the easy cure-all of a drink. When the news was really bad, get nice and drunk, and suddenly don't care anymore. Soon enough it didn't matter whether the news was really bad or not. Great day? Celebrate and get drunk. Bad day? Cheer yourself up by getting drunk. Traffic was bad? Stub your toe? Sun is too bright? Too much rain?
You, OP, cannot control that person. Believe it or not you're risking cultivating some extraordinarily bad habits by trying. You can be of some help to that person but in essentially none of the ways that we would typically think of 'helping'.
With love,
Burt
*hug*0 -
Your friend sounds like someone I know. No one could control or help his alcoholism. Absolutely no one. Dragging him to an AA meeting? He never went until the end; but even then, you can lead a horse to water..
He wouldn't stop for anything - - he was in full-on denial about how his behaviors impacted others. Any attempts to get him to stop ironically became excuses for him to drink.
He was never fired as a result of his drinking. He never hit his wife or kids. He was very 'high-functioning' with a good job, et cetera. No DUIs, incarcerations. Inexorably though, things got continually worse for him. For people who have 'the problem' - and believe me two bottles of wine every night is indicative of a problem - things will always get worse. Solemn vows will be broken. It is simply how this progresses.
Your friend sounds just like mine - he easily could go through a bottle of wine with no one knowing. But the tip-switch got ever-more sensitive, and when too much was too much, it went from not enough to completely soused.
The underlying problem might have been that, at some point in his life, my buddy stopped maturing emotionally. He gradually gave over his ability to handle life's ups and downs to the easy cure-all of a drink. When the news was really bad, get nice and drunk, and suddenly don't care anymore. Soon enough it didn't matter whether the news was really bad or not. Great day? Celebrate and get drunk. Bad day? Cheer yourself up by getting drunk. Traffic was bad? Stub your toe? Sun is too bright? Too much rain?
You, OP, cannot control that person. Believe it or not you're risking cultivating some extraordinarily bad habits by trying. You can be of some help to that person but in essentially none of the ways that we would typically think of 'helping'.
With love,
Burt
*hug*
Eloquently stated. Reading this thread makes me feel like I'm not so alone.0 -
What are you thinking OP? Do you think you have decided to stay?
Thanks for this. It wasn't so simple as 'should I stay, should I go?' really. I've taken on board everything that everyone here has said and also what my one close friend (the only one I've spoke to about this) has said. Last night after posting on here, my partner came home with several bottles of diet coke and made a promise to turn his life around. I'm not as naive as I was the first time he said this, or the second. We had a good conversation last night and I told him about the al-anon meetings - I think that was a bit of a shock to him. He said "I don't need a meeting, I'm ready to handle it", I told him that the meetings are for ME and not HIM and that I too need support. I reminded him that he can talk to me anytime, we spoke about some of his fears etc... and things felt positive - they still do now. I told him that I don't want to have to look once more for a flat/room to rent but he knows I am preparing to leave if I have to.
I don't wish to sound negative but I will see how long this stint of abstinence lasts and monitor the situation. Some people here have suggested I might be too forgiving or making too many excuses for him but to be honest, me staying here in this house - without the upheaval of moving is what is best for me right now while I finish my PhD. I only have 12 months to go. My partner isn't violent, fortunately he is also not (yet) at a stage where he is soiling himself or putting himself at risk physically within the home. The most dangerous of things is definitely him getting in his car drunk and if I'm here I can stop him. I'm hoping his addiction is rooted in something psychological and something he will be able to resolve. I'm less hopeful of this after reading some of the personal experiences told on here - those about long periods of abstinence and then relapse etc... It sounds an awful life for those involved and some of the stories have really saddened me. I don't want that to be my story in 20/30/40 years time.
I'm going to look into my finances and then over the next 12 months try to put aside some money. I'm going to be open and up-front with my partner about how I feel (I try to do this anyway). I'm not going to get married or pregnant in this time. I'm going to continue to look after my mind and body and put 100% into my work. Not cut out my friends (I tend to do this to focus on my work/look after my partner).
Thanks everyone once again for the support, I really didn't expect such overwhelming support and advice. And thanks too to those who have shared personal experiences - so many of you sound so strong and brave to leave situations especially where married and with children. I know that this is something I may well have to do myself but I'm not just yet ready to through away a wonderful man for the sake of 12 months of dark times we have experienced. If things are no different in 12 months from now I'll feel I have no choice but to leave.
This is such an incredibly mature and well-thought out way to handle this.
Seriously, bravo.0 -
Both times he was ordered to attend AA and both times AA was a joke to him.
My diabetic alcoholic friend went to AA too. To find other alcoholics to go out drinking with afterwards. And they did.
Unless they're actually serious, they probably won't benefit much from this.0 -
my ex-husband was an alcoholic and abusive. Same cycle as your partner: good job, worked hard, functional but when he would stop by the liquor store everyday to get hard liquor and 32 pack of PBR and drink it every night. He was so drunk every night that he couldn't even care for his diabetic daughter when he had his kids overnight. Couldn't drive me to the hospital when my water broke.
I finally got an OFP to get him out of the house, divorced him, we've been apart for a year now and he is sober0 -
Both times he was ordered to attend AA and both times AA was a joke to him.
My diabetic alcoholic friend went to AA too. To find other alcoholics to go out drinking with afterwards. And they did.
Unless they're actually serious, they probably won't benefit much from this.
Honestly for me AA did nothing. It was NA that got me thinking like doing stuff like this could be my future. Not everyone liked the whole AA thing but it make sense to me. Just like how when people get to there goals people want to know how.
For me going to AA talking to someone who sobriety was longer than my age had no effect. I found a meeting with a bunch of people my age and younger. It was way easier to relate to them since them can remember the last time using there drug of choice. Also I was self medicating for many reason. To the world I have a high tolerance but sounds like to alcoholic i was on the kid levels. Also I do not know one person who can drink a lot that does not take pride in the fact that they can. It is so weird too like who care hows much you can drink in one sitting while your peers drink half on that and black out.
OP next time you talk to him show him this thread. Lets him see that you are still here and you do want to help him. Let him read all the horror stories that people have put on here.0 -
I strongly recommend against that. In fact, with all the "drug talk" you're engaging in, I don't feel entirely safe with you in this thread. It's not a judgment; I'm just saying what I think would be most effective for the purposes of this thread.OP next time you talk to him show him this thread. Lets him see that you are still here and you do want to help him. Let him read all the horror stories that people have put on here.
But it's a public forum, so I can tolerate it.0 -
I strongly recommend against that. In fact, with all the "drug talk" you're engaging in, I don't feel entirely safe with you in this thread. It's not a judgment; I'm just saying what I think would be most effective for the purposes of this thread.OP next time you talk to him show him this thread. Lets him see that you are still here and you do want to help him. Let him read all the horror stories that people have put on here.
But it's a public forum, so I can tolerate it.
I had this exact same reaction, decided against saying anything, and then found exactly what I was thinking already & immediately written. Cheers.0 -
I strongly recommend against that. In fact, with all the "drug talk" you're engaging in, I don't feel entirely safe with you in this thread. It's not a judgment; I'm just saying what I think would be most effective for the purposes of this thread.OP next time you talk to him show him this thread. Lets him see that you are still here and you do want to help him. Let him read all the horror stories that people have put on here.
But it's a public forum, so I can tolerate it.
Sometimes it take one to know one. If all this talk triggers anyone I do apologize. Here is the thing I argue some much on my second treatment. People need to know what triggers them to do anything negative. The more aware and mindful you are of that the better chance you have to battle whatever negative behavior it is.
Edit: Now I will say some of the stuff was relevant for me saying. I was saying it for me too like WOW I used to do some pretty stupid stuff. The way I was drinking I am sure I would of ended up like OP SO or worse.0 -
NO! It was NOT your fault, nor could you have stopped him. Please don't blame yourself! Sounds like you overcame it even though you suffered for WAY too long. Good for you! Also, from your profile picture your physical transformation has also been a victory! Good job.Please leave....
My world was torn apart from an alcoholic.
The children have went through counseling etc.
The quicker you get away the faster the healing process will be.
It is so easy for us to type this and much harder for you to follow through with it.
I understand that.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
Exactly this. I married an alcoholic...a high functioning alcoholic. He was and is a wonderful man when he's sober. 32 years later I left. I held on...was miserable for years and years. Always hoping he'd change...perhaps even believing deep down inside myself that I could change him. His drinking became worse. In the end...I had to go. I wonder if I'd simply said..."It's me or the bottle" and meant it, would he have quit drinking? I enabled the man I loved to continue to destroy his life.
Leave,
I know how hard that is to do...I didn't have the strength. I hope you do. :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks once again for the messages of support and I'm very sorry to hear so many stories of loss. The last 24 hours have been very encouraging. I'm in a much stronger and more grounded frame of mind than yesterday afternoon. I feel incredibly encouraged and am on a mission to take care of myself, live honestly but still be prepared and informed. I'm monitoring the situation but putting myself first when I need to - which is going to be a lot over the next 12 months!
By way of update: My partner has made a doctors appointment today for next week. This isn't something he has done before. It's a positive step and I'm encouraging towards him but in my own mind I'm prepared for relapses.0 -
Thanks once again for the messages of support and I'm very sorry to hear so many stories of loss. The last 24 hours have been very encouraging. I'm in a much stronger and more grounded frame of mind than yesterday afternoon. I feel incredibly encouraged and am on a mission to take care of myself, live honestly but still be prepared and informed. I'm monitoring the situation but putting myself first when I need to - which is going to be a lot over the next 12 months!
By way of update: My partner has made a doctors appointment today for next week. This isn't something he has done before. It's a positive step and I'm encouraging towards him but in my own mind I'm prepared for relapses.
I am glad. Hope for the best prepare for the worse.
You know I have been doing some thinking about to whole call police the next time he drinks and drives. I said how I think he might react before. I do change that response because me getting my second DUI finally got me to sit down and see how stupid of me for doing this. You telling on him will save his life and someone else. That how I look at my second DUI. Like maybe this is not to smart know matter the excuse I gave myself for driving in the first place.0 -
I have not read the replies but you sound like a very intelligent women have you tried Alanon. His issue is his you need to deal with yourself.0
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Thanks once again for the messages of support and I'm very sorry to hear so many stories of loss. The last 24 hours have been very encouraging. I'm in a much stronger and more grounded frame of mind than yesterday afternoon. I feel incredibly encouraged and am on a mission to take care of myself, live honestly but still be prepared and informed. I'm monitoring the situation but putting myself first when I need to - which is going to be a lot over the next 12 months!
By way of update: My partner has made a doctors appointment today for next week. This isn't something he has done before. It's a positive step and I'm encouraging towards him but in my own mind I'm prepared for relapses.
Big hugs to you! I am glad that you see that there is far more for you than the life you have now. I know it's not easy, but I think the fact that you are realizing your own self worth will help you go a long way.0 -
I have not read the replies but you sound like a very intelligent women have you tried Alanon. His issue is his you need to deal with yourself.
Thanks for this, I've been pointed towards alanon by many posters here and I'm hopeful that they will be able to give me some support. Until the initial responses here I hadn't even contemplated structured support like that for myself, I guess I was more wrapped up in his issues than I realised, even 24 hours ago.0
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