Living with an alcoholic

SuperC_85

Thank you for posting this OP,
A really interesting topic and so many great replies..

Got to go think for a bit.

Jakess1971

He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.

People can do what they want to themselves but this is seriously bad, If you know he does this and you do nothing to stop him and he kills someone how would you feel? People don't change unless they have a serious perspective change, this could be him loosing his driving licence, his job or you, let's hope he only harms himself in the process!

Fullsterkur_woman

He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.

People can do what they want to themselves but this is seriously bad, If you know he does this and you do nothing to stop him and he kills someone how would you feel? People don't change unless they have a serious perspective change, this could be him loosing his driving licence, his job or you, let's hope he only harms himself in the process!

I understand where everybody is coming from with this, but I feel like it's just putting more responsibility onto her, where it doesn't belong. She needs to spend less time policing and controlling his behavior, not more. It's sometimes coming across like a guilt trip, and that is not constructive for her. The most effective thing is to focus on herself, taking care of herself, and that is all.

Fullsterkur_woman

At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.

The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.

Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.

His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.

crazie4lulu

Al Anon will become your best friend!! nothing you can do about your partner. He has to WANT to change. He has to hit rock bottom before he can start to surface for the top. He has to do the changing. We have to be able to cope. Al anon has hepled me a great deal.

kwb87

[/quote]

I understand where everybody is coming from with this, but I feel like it's just putting more responsibility onto her, where it doesn't belong. She needs to spend less time policing and controlling his behavior, not more. It's sometimes coming across like a guilt trip, and that is not constructive for her. The most effective thing is to focus on herself, taking care of herself, and that is all.

[/quote]

Thanks for the support

I didn't expect such an overwhelming amount of support. The comments about his driving under the influence are a bit more difficult to digest because it's not that simple. Sometimes I don't even know he has had a drink at all because he can hide it well and his tolerance is so high. I'm beginning to learn that he isn't noticibly intoxicated until he's roughly half way through a second bottle of wine. At other times I've put my work on hold to drive out myself to get him a pizza and then returned to my work or had to finish up early. There have also been times where we have been out and he is probably just over the limit to drive so I insist we walk, sometimes he's walked with me, other times I've walked home alone will he drives home. There have been perhaps 5-10 of these different occasions in total, so it isn't every week but it's enough to make me stop and question everything and clearly enough to make me come here and seek help.

kwb87

Sorry the above was in response to Fullsterkur_w with her quote at the top. I'm not sure what happened to the quote box!

kwb87

Al Anon will become your best friend!! nothing you can do about your partner. He has to WANT to change. He has to hit rock bottom before he can start to surface for the top. He has to do the changing. We have to be able to cope. Al anon has hepled me a great deal.

Thanks for this. I'm hoping they will help. I'm feeling much more positive already.

yopeeps025

At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.

The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.

Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.

His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.

I am just giving her a perspective that she might not see since I used to be a heavy drinker. She enough or she would just say I am done with this guy.

As for how long I have been sober it has been closer to a month of sobriety. If I look at these pass 8 months to any 8 month period since I started drinking, my alcohol quantity has drop by around 80%.

Burt_Huttz

al-anon

yopeeps025

OP so what do you think if he were to come across this thread and read it?

Like you said you want him. If you did not you would have already made your decision I think.

wheird

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It seems that he is a great guy. Even when drinking, despite the driving under the influence and bit of unwelcome roughness. I truly hope that he gets some help for this issue.

bombshellcertification

Support for yourself is key to get stronger--ALANON or counseling or both---sometimes leaving with love is the best thing you can do for yourself and the other as it gives them (and you) a chance to shake out the relationship---work on your own self & be confronted with what's really there, self care is key ---you must love your self first to love someone else....separating may give him the self reflection or bottom he needs without you there. Prayers for his recovery and your protection, heart, decisions...it really is a one day at a time thing...be good to you and the rest will fall into place...as its meant to be...

FrankWorsley

This thread is so terribly sad. Alcohol ruins lives. Some things are so dangerous and destructive they should be completely avoided. Why do many in our society believe the seductive "moderation" lie?

Cliffslosinit

Please leave....
My world was torn apart from an alcoholic.
The children have went through counseling etc.
The quicker you get away the faster the healing process will be.

It is so easy for us to type this and much harder for you to follow through with it.
I understand that.

Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

WeepingAngel81

At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.

The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.

Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.

His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.

I am just giving her a perspective that she might not see since I used to be a heavy drinker. She enough or she would just say I am done with this guy.

As for how long I have been sober it has been closer to a month of sobriety. If I look at these pass 8 months to any 8 month period since I started drinking, my alcohol quantity has drop by around 80%.

I am glad to hear that you are getting help for the drinking, but at the same time, I agree that your perspective at this point is still a bit biased. It's not as easy sometimes as just packing up and leaving. For the person living with the alcoholic, there are many questions that need to be asked. There are many feelings that need to be addressed before taking that step. She shouldn't have to drag him to AA. This won't help her any, and it only continues to place the burden back on her.

Burt_Huttz

Your friend sounds like someone I know. No one could control or help his alcoholism. Absolutely no one. Dragging him to an AA meeting? He never went until the end; but even then, you can lead a horse to water..

He wouldn't stop for anything - - he was in full-on denial about how his behaviors impacted others. Any attempts to get him to stop ironically became excuses for him to drink.

He was never fired as a result of his drinking. He never hit his wife or kids. He was very 'high-functioning' with a good job, et cetera. No DUIs, incarcerations. Inexorably though, things got continually worse for him. For people who have 'the problem' - and believe me two bottles of wine every night is indicative of a problem - things will always get worse. Solemn vows will be broken. It is simply how this progresses.

Your friend sounds just like mine - he easily could go through a bottle of wine with no one knowing. But the tip-switch got ever-more sensitive, and when too much was too much, it went from not enough to completely soused.

The underlying problem might have been that, at some point in his life, my buddy stopped maturing emotionally. He gradually gave over his ability to handle life's ups and downs to the easy cure-all of a drink. When the news was really bad, get nice and drunk, and suddenly don't care anymore. Soon enough it didn't matter whether the news was really bad or not. Great day? Celebrate and get drunk. Bad day? Cheer yourself up by getting drunk. Traffic was bad? Stub your toe? Sun is too bright? Too much rain?

You, OP, cannot control that person. Believe it or not you're risking cultivating some extraordinarily bad habits by trying. You can be of some help to that person but in essentially none of the ways that we would typically think of 'helping'.


With love,
Burt

LoneWolfRunner

That's it I'm going to stay single.

Good call.

spade117

With love,
Burt

Heh...I noticed that was missing for a moment.

Burt_Huttz

With love,
Burt

Heh...I noticed that was missing for a moment.

Hard to remember it when it's actually meant most sincerely perhaps.