MFP Friends, Support or Validation?

Liftng4Lis

First, as far as friends here, you had icky friends. I LOVE looking at my friends diaries and I'm not afraid to say anything if I'm concerned they aren't eating enough. Also, I go through about once a week and if someone that I enjoy hasn't logged for awhile I send them a message. NOW, honestly if it is someone who's a blob in my list (they just like and never really have much input), and THEY haven't logged on, I delete them.
Now, all that being said, I was on this site for two months without having friends. I came here for me, I'm staying for me. I enjoy my friends I've met here, I love their input and support and I look forward to them each day to help motivate them as well. Still, If piss every single one of them off (I'm a smart *kitten* and honest to boot) and they drop me, I'M STILL here for ME. Frankly if someone is going to give up because their friends didn't say rah rah, well thats not the kind of friend I would keep anyway.

Unknown

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dulceproductions

So I'm wondering if MFP friends really does anyone any good. Maybe I just need new ones.

First I stopped bringing my lunch to work (my diary is viewable).

After a few weeks and a few pounds gained, I stopped logging food altogether.

But as long as I logged in and kept having my day streak increase, they were like "way to go", "congrats" every time I hit five more days.

Then I just stopped. And no one noticed, cared, and/or reached out to me the way I do when they drop off the radar.


So what is it MFP? Are "friends" just so we can brag to each other at how awesome we are or are they about supporting each other and helping the other get back on track before all progress is lost?

Depends on who you add on MFP, don't you think? Trying to define everyone on MFP, or just MFP in general, based on a few is pretty silly, overall.

You do understand that everyone has their own lives and problems they are trying to deal with (this includes their own health and fitness goals)? Maybe you didn't really interact with any of them and ended up just having people on your list you didn't know or got to know. Maybe they were dealing with their own logging issues or a dozen other possibilities.

Unless you really get to know the people on your FL, they aren't your friends or family. And even then, it's not their responsibility to coddle you through every down period you find yourself in.

Maybe you should learn to focus more on your own goals and realize that the only person, in the end, you need to rely on to push you to succeed is you and spend less time and energy trying to find or rely on others to pick you up every time.

^^^^ This.

Also, some members post their expectations of what they expect to get out of MFP and MFP friends. Maybe you should list what YOU consider to be a good MFP friend:

1) Don't be like "way to go", "congrats" every time I hit five more days.
2) When I stop logging, notice it
3) Care and reach out to me the way I do when you drop off the radar.
4) Don't brag to each other at how awesome you are.
5) Support me and help me get back on track before all of my progress is lost.

So..... maybe you'll attract the people you want with this list of expectations. Good luck!

Mr_Knight

If you need "attaboys" on MFP to keep going, you're doomed to failure.

There are some people here with whom I have great PM exchanges of knowledge and experience, and I value that.

But honestly, most people here are looking for validation and an "it's not your fault, you were sabotaged" group hug when they fail. Which is all fine, each to their own, but I'm not interested in playing that game so I end up turning down a lot of friend requests.

darlilama

You just need to keep looking for the right kind of friends, I think. People with similar goals or who are inspiring to you. I have a short friends list for a reason. I do go out to see how long it's been since some of them have logged into MFP. If more than 6 months - 1 year (depending on my mood), I will delete them. There is one case where I do PM with an MFP friend who has medical issues and has not able to continue logging with MFP for a prolonged period. I don't delete her. I find her to be a valuable (and kind) person for other reasons.

My advice - Don't send friend requests to just anyone and don't accept them from just anyone. Not everyone here is looking for "validation" from their friends, but some are. There's nothing wrong with having a friend's "like" on your exercise log put a smile on your face, in my book! But, yes, you have to be here for yourself, you have to be able to motivate yourself. I don't know of anywhere in life that is different for a person to succeed?

Best of luck! :flowerforyou:

ChrissyC1985

I agree with pretty much everything else that has been posted on this thread so far. I have a great and varied friends list, some of whom have been with me from the beginning and i love them dearly. There are some with whom I interact frequently on here, snapchat,kik and facebook and not hearing from them, sometimes on a daily basis is strange.

On the other hand there are people who i hardly interact with at all, they're just not active on the site in that way and that's fine, although if they ask a question I will offer my opinion and response.

Personally, my diary completion is currently irratic but logging in is consistent, I will often post links to things i have seen online that people may appreciate or find funny. I like to chat and am sociable but very often don't comment on diaries but am trying to be a better friend to those on my friends list who want that from me.

I absolutely love my friends on here and I totally wouldn't be where i am without them.

lemurcat12

Interesting post. I think that if you want something in particular from your friends it's good to communicate that. Some may not be interested, but the ones you end up are going to be more likely to be on the same page as you.

First I stopped bringing my lunch to work (my diary is viewable).

After a few weeks and a few pounds gained, I stopped logging food altogether.

But as long as I logged in and kept having my day streak increase, they were like "way to go", "congrats" every time I hit five more days.

With something like this, I would probably just try to post encouraging things too, unless you had indicated you wanted otherwise, for a couple of reasons. First, I don't read everyone's logs. Mostly I look at people's who say they want comments on their logs or who look at mine and comment (since I assume that means they like sharing comments on logs) or if I'm just randomly feeling curious one day or some other person comments in a way that makes me feel curious. Among other things, if I'm checking on the app the diary doesn't even show up half the time, or at least not in full.

But also, I don't mind critical comments on my log, but I'm not usually looking for them either. Sometimes I have big exercise totals that I use over the week, and it's not helpful for someone who doesn't know that to complain that I'm eating too low or too much, depending, and similarly I assume that a person may have goals or ideas about how to eat that I'm not privy to and I don't see it as my place to comment unless they ask. For example, I frequently don't bring my lunch to work (used to bring it much more), but that doesn't mean anything, and I'd feel like a busybody asking someone else about it. I do log, but plenty of people don't, and I don't think I should have to announce I'm taking a break, and similarly nor should my friends.

On the other hand, if someone says "I'm trying really hard to do X, call me on it if I don't or encourage good things I do," I do try to pay attention. But if you don't ask, how could someone know?

Then I just stopped. And no one noticed, cared, and/or reached out to me the way I do when they drop off the radar.

I've emailed people, but usually only one's I've interacted with some, because they've commented on my stuff beyond the usual or we've exchanged messages. And even when I did it was really apologetic, because you feel like you might be intruding or being presumptuous. Again, if someone wants something along those lines, posting "I'm not sure this is working for me anymore" or some such would seem to be the way to start a conversation.

I think MFP allows you to create the kind of environment you like and find helpful, but part of that is figuring out what that is and communicating it.

TheVirgoddess

I'm here to lose weight and be less floppy. Having friends is a happy side benefit of this site. I'm probably a crappy friend honestly - and I curse a lot and use quite a bit of sarcasm. I do try though.

And I do enjoy the people on my list, but there's no one (outside of my sister) that I would worry about not logging or checking in. I assume it means that now isn't the right time for their weight loss, not that it's a cry for help.

kenc1971

Analogy time!
I used to run track & field races, mostly the mile. I had a team, coaches, as well as friends/family of my own, and of the team who would come out to cheer us on. That was the support group.

But, once the gun went off, it was all me. That's what this is... you've got people on the sidelines encouraging, and people coaching, and others doing the same things that you are doing who you can compare to in order to make yourself better.

In the end, though, none of them can jump in and run that race for you. It's all on you.

Fsunami

So I'm wondering if MFP friends really does anyone any good. Maybe I just need new ones.

First I stopped bringing my lunch to work (my diary is viewable).

After a few weeks and a few pounds gained, I stopped logging food altogether.

But as long as I logged in and kept having my day streak increase, they were like "way to go", "congrats" every time I hit five more days.

Then I just stopped. And no one noticed, cared, and/or reached out to me the way I do when they drop off the radar.


So what is it MFP? Are "friends" just so we can brag to each other at how awesome we are or are they about supporting each other and helping the other get back on track before all progress is lost?

MFP is for support, IMO. Validation comes from within. If it comes from external sources, its a zero-sum game. Stop worrying about what others think and do, and save your mental energy for the most important thing of all....you. Align your actions with the goals stated on your profile page & the progress you seek will come

Success at this comes from small, repeated steps.

FR on the way, but be warned I can be direct while being supportive. If youre ready for that, lets get going

Fsunami

MyChocolateDiet

So I'm wondering if MFP friends really does anyone any good. Maybe I just need new ones.

First I stopped bringing my lunch to work (my diary is viewable).

After a few weeks and a few pounds gained, I stopped logging food altogether.

But as long as I logged in and kept having my day streak increase, they were like "way to go", "congrats" every time I hit five more days.

Then I just stopped. And no one noticed, cared, and/or reached out to me the way I do when they drop off the radar.


So what is it MFP? Are "friends" just so we can brag to each other at how awesome we are or are they about supporting each other and helping the other get back on track before all progress is lost?

For the most part, my FL has been helpful. There were about 5% of it who I recently cut for seeming to be there for the wrong reasons and now it's back to useful again.

I think the fact that you were practicing what you'd like to see happen is a good start. There may simply be very few people who are comfortable reaching out to, imposing on, bothering, pestering someone who has changed their MO momentarily. There are a myriad of reasons why others might not comment on your changing what you are doing: busy, respecting what they imagine are actual valid thought out decisions on your part, didn't notice, don't care, waiting it out as a temporary slump and choosing to positively highlight what you ARE doing (login streak for instance).

If you want people to feel comfortable with/take an interest in wether or not you log your foods daily the onus is on you to specify that that is a problem area for you in which you'd appreciate their support. You can post such on your Profile wall, on your newsfeed, and you could even start a thread seeking friends who have similar issues/goals. A blog about why this is important to you, or how you fall off might also reveal some areas to work on as others who relate can answer but also gain insight as to why/how this matters to you.

Hope you find tinkering with the features a way to get the kind of support you feel you need. Also consider reading up on how to find those motivations within you so that it's not so dishearteninng on days when people inevitably truly are busy and not reaching out to the level you might currenty feel you need but hopefully soon might feel you can do without.

:flowerforyou:

africanmasq

I think the "it's your responsibility, deal with it" response is a bit harsh. We all have bad times and it doesn't mean we're not serious about our goals.

I definitely think it's good to speak up when you need extra support. On a previous account, which I deleted eventually, I felt like I was drowning and I finally posted about my depression and how hard it was to even get out of bed, let alone exercise. I was surprised at how many people responded and added me to their FL, and then kept me going. On MFP you should feel 100% comfortable asking for help - people will be more than happy to support you if they know you need it