He snooped, I need your opinions.

socalkay · September 2014

Yeah, age does matter at 50. At this point in life I would hope you were making choices that were a bit healthier and more fulfilling for you (live and learn and all that). "Stuff" aside for now, you don't trust each other, you keep secrets, he snoops and apparently you two share little real intimacy (3 years in and you don't spend the night together??). You say yourself that the relationship is doomed. Is the aggravation worth the handy sex? If so, go for it but stop whining - you are a mature woman who made the choice.

Regarding "stuff", or your brusque response to prior "anti-stuff" post, you must know it's not very popular with LOTS of people (including your bed-buddy), or you wouldn't keep it secret. You did post here about the "stuff" - it's an integral part of your original post and may be at the heart of what this guy is upset about, not just your secrecy. If you don't like negative responses to "stuff", don't post about it here.

yopeeps025 · September 2014

Just to clarify, he's not my ex-husbands friend, he became friends with my ex when he started dating me.

I don't use drugs to try to change who I am, it's just a little pick me up when I go out which is very infrequent. IMO, alcohol is worse but of course it's legal.

This makes me mad. There is nothing, nothing you can say to justify the substance use as being better than alcohol. I'm not even talking about legality here - I know alocohol (if not controlled and if mistreated) isn't the best thing to ever come around either but I lived with someone who used, granted it might not be the same "stuff" because I still don't even know what this "stuff" is but let me say it's nothing to joke about or say you need a little pick me up. How old are you? I know people get depressed and have hard times, but more people are dealing with their lives without these pick me ups than you think and they are able to move on, and have a good time.

It is not an excuse and it is not a reason. "Stuff" contributed to ruining my relationship with someone I loved; "Stuff" caused personality changes so great I went from someone nearly proposing to punching holes in walls because he didn't have any of it; "Stuff" causes big problems. I know alochol can too, but there is no reason or excuse to try and justify it by saying oh I needed a pick me up, I needed to have to some fun, I needed to blow off steam . . . . it's better than alochol I think.

Also, if he wasn't friends with your ex before but he is now . . . that's all kinds of f'ed up. Who wants to be friends with their partner's ex? No one I know . . . who wants to know that your buddy had a relationship - a close, intimate, private relationship - with your person?

Does he need the pick me ups too? I'm kind of thinking your ex is the town hookup for fun "stuff"

This was about my boyfriend reading my email whether I did "stuff" or not.

I wonder if he calls you his girlfriend or just a friend I can play with when I want to?

FrozenSongBird · September 2014

Treatment

wannabeskinnycat · September 2014

Oh luv, if it was just that he'd snooped I'd say have a good chat with him and let him know how upset you are that he snooped but I wouldn't be angry. It's not just that though. Seems like there are lots of things going on. Maybe time for some bigger questions instead? Like:

Am I in a place I want/need to be right now? Do I need to do something about it?

Do I have a support network to help me in the tough times ahead? If so, be completely honest with them and ask for help. If not, seek help from somewhere that can.

Good luck x

2014Christina · September 2014

Yeah, age does matter at 50. At this point in life I would hope you were making choices that were a bit healthier and more fulfilling for you (live and learn and all that). "Stuff" aside for now, you don't trust each other, you keep secrets, he snoops and apparently you two share little real intimacy (3 years in and you don't spend the night together??). You say yourself that the relationship is doomed. Is the aggravation worth the handy sex? If so, go for it but stop whining - you are a mature woman who made the choice.

Regarding "stuff", or your brusque response to prior "anti-stuff" post, you must know it's not very popular with LOTS of people (including your bed-buddy), or you wouldn't keep it secret. You did post here about the "stuff" - it's an integral part of your original post and may be at the heart of what this guy is upset about, not just your secrecy. If you don't like negative responses to "stuff", don't post about it here.

What bothers me is not the negative responses, it's the responses to what I am NOT looking for. I am not concerned about my yearly (or twice a year) "usage". I do however, appreciate the concern but it is not an area of concern. And if you think age matters, that's your opinion and that's okay too but to each his own.

My BF and I do not care about not spending the night together, why does no one get that??. Other than the trust, we want the same thing. The trust is my only concern.

And yes, I feel we're doomed at times. We need to learn to trust one another and I need to learn to be honest with him.

asdowe13 · September 2014

Yeah, age does matter at 50. At this point in life I would hope you were making choices that were a bit healthier and more fulfilling for you (live and learn and all that). "Stuff" aside for now, you don't trust each other, you keep secrets, he snoops and apparently you two share little real intimacy (3 years in and you don't spend the night together??). You say yourself that the relationship is doomed. Is the aggravation worth the handy sex? If so, go for it but stop whining - you are a mature woman who made the choice.

Regarding "stuff", or your brusque response to prior "anti-stuff" post, you must know it's not very popular with LOTS of people (including your bed-buddy), or you wouldn't keep it secret. You did post here about the "stuff" - it's an integral part of your original post and may be at the heart of what this guy is upset about, not just your secrecy. If you don't like negative responses to "stuff", don't post about it here.

What bothers me is not the negative responses, it's the responses to what I am NOT looking for. I am not concerned about my yearly (or twice a year) "usage". I do however, appreciate the concern but it is not an area of concern. And if you think age matters, that's your opinion and that's okay too but to each his own.

My BF and I do not care about not spending the night together, why does no one get that??. Other than the trust, we want the same thing. The trust is my only concern.

And yes, I feel we're doomed at times. We need to learn to trust one another and I need to learn to be honest with him.

Seriously......Just Break Up

2014Christina · September 2014

Oh luv, if it was just that he'd snooped I'd say have a good chat with him and let him know how upset you are that he snooped but I wouldn't be angry. It's not just that though. Seems like there are lots of things going on. Maybe time for some bigger questions instead? Like:

Am I in a place I want/need to be right now? Do I need to do something about it?

Do I have a support network to help me in the tough times ahead? If so, be completely honest with them and ask for help. If not, seek help from somewhere that can.

Good luck x

Thank you very much. You're a big help

And thank you for the friend request. Maybe you can help me with my blogging. I've never done it and am looking forward to it.

yopeeps025 · September 2014

Yeah, age does matter at 50. At this point in life I would hope you were making choices that were a bit healthier and more fulfilling for you (live and learn and all that). "Stuff" aside for now, you don't trust each other, you keep secrets, he snoops and apparently you two share little real intimacy (3 years in and you don't spend the night together??). You say yourself that the relationship is doomed. Is the aggravation worth the handy sex? If so, go for it but stop whining - you are a mature woman who made the choice.

Regarding "stuff", or your brusque response to prior "anti-stuff" post, you must know it's not very popular with LOTS of people (including your bed-buddy), or you wouldn't keep it secret. You did post here about the "stuff" - it's an integral part of your original post and may be at the heart of what this guy is upset about, not just your secrecy. If you don't like negative responses to "stuff", don't post about it here.

What bothers me is not the negative responses, it's the responses to what I am NOT looking for. I am not concerned about my yearly (or twice a year) "usage". I do however, appreciate the concern but it is not an area of concern. And if you think age matters, that's your opinion and that's okay too but to each his own.

My BF and I do not care about not spending the night together, why does no one get that??. Other than the trust, we want the same thing. The trust is my only concern.

And yes, I feel we're doomed at times. We need to learn to trust one another and I need to learn to be honest with him.

Other than the trust. OP If he trusted you do you think he would feel the need to snoop as you call it? So when people say just break up that is why.

acorsaut89 · September 2014

Yeah, age does matter at 50. At this point in life I would hope you were making choices that were a bit healthier and more fulfilling for you (live and learn and all that). "Stuff" aside for now, you don't trust each other, you keep secrets, he snoops and apparently you two share little real intimacy (3 years in and you don't spend the night together??). You say yourself that the relationship is doomed. Is the aggravation worth the handy sex? If so, go for it but stop whining - you are a mature woman who made the choice.

Regarding "stuff", or your brusque response to prior "anti-stuff" post, you must know it's not very popular with LOTS of people (including your bed-buddy), or you wouldn't keep it secret. You did post here about the "stuff" - it's an integral part of your original post and may be at the heart of what this guy is upset about, not just your secrecy. If you don't like negative responses to "stuff", don't post about it here.

What bothers me is not the negative responses, it's the responses to what I am NOT looking for. I am not concerned about my yearly (or twice a year) "usage". I do however, appreciate the concern but it is not an area of concern. And if you think age matters, that's your opinion and that's okay too but to each his own.

My BF and I do not care about not spending the night together, why does no one get that??. Other than the trust, we want the same thing. The trust is my only concern.

And yes, I feel we're doomed at times. We need to learn to trust one another and I need to learn to be honest with him.

First and foremost here's the thing: YOU POSTED THIS ON AN INTERNET FORUM. Did you really think the only responses you'd get were "OMG how could he do that to you?" "That's so disrespectful" "Clearly he was wrong for doing that"?

Your twice a year usage? Look, apparently pot is not your drug of choice and that's ok - I don't really care what is. But I have yet to meet anyone who "chooses" something other than pot or one of the "naturals" that's a once a year usage - maybe you do and maybe you don't, I don't know I'm not accusing and I really don't care.

If you don't like the answers, don't post online. I know a lot about this kind of situation . . . and a lot about life for my age. I'm not perfect but again, you asked and I'm saying as someone who has been through a lot of this and things only got worse I'm saying it's just not worth it in the name of someone who likes the same stuff as you. Find someone who appreciates you wants to invest in you. I really, really think that the fact that you want to "be with someone" but not really invest in a relationship is a sign that you haven't moved on from something that happened in your life. I can tell you that what you're doing, if it's what makes you happy then it makes you happy but do not, DO NOT complain about the side effects of this kind of relationship, period. You are choosing to be in this relationship and these kinds of things - snooping, lying, dysfunction come with a lack of trust. You are 50 like you said, it's time to understand there are always consequences to your actions: this one of them.

And yes, age matters but not in a vanity kind of a way; in a "You're almost 50, it's time to grow up a bit" way. I'm half that age and I've already learned these lessons. I get there's a lot about life I've yet to experience so I can't talk about being pregnant, being married, getting divorced, turning 30, etc etc. But I can talk about this kind of relationship - I did it, it almost ruined my education and it turned me into someone I hated. I love him, probably always will have that care for him, but he is toxic to me.

If you don't like what comes along without trust, don't put up with it and sure as hell do not post about it online. You want answers? You want opinions? You got them, if you don't like them don't ask - it's really, really that simple,

"Stuff" is not good, there's a reason so many people do not use it in any form and there's reason people are so against. If you are responsible with this, whatever it is, congratulations.

Bottom Line: you made your bed with being comfortable with this kind of relationship, sleep in it. You don't like it, find a new bed. People here won't stroke your hair and say poor you, I'm sorry this happened in your life. There's a lot of tough love people on this site; people who made serious changes to their lives to make them better, they aren't going to be chalked full of sympathy for someone who isn't doing anything to make her own situation better. You don't want that - post somewhere else . . . maybe Facebook.

Edited for my poor spelling

acorsaut89 · September 2014

Your ex-boyfriend contributed to the failure of your relationship, not the drugs. He was violent? He was an addict? Not everyone is. Many people can and do use drugs recreationally, just like alcohol, with no ill effects.

There's so much more to this than you think. Do you know what he was on? You don't so you can't talk because someone who smokes pot is much different than someone who uses a narcotic. We split up for a while because of it, he had to work on it. He worked on it, we went to counselling and everything was great until he started up again.

He was violent, he was mean, he went from being happy to breaking belongings in about 10 seconds flat. Absolutely the stuff played an intergral role in this, and if you think they didn't then I'm sorry but I don't think you've ever lived with an addict.

Sure it was him, but the addiction is huge and it's one of the hardest things to ever overcome. I tried to help him but I couldn't and he didn't want help. Maybe that's part of the addiction - I'm not a counsellor. But until you've really lived this, day in day out, you can't separate the person from the substance, especially when there's an addiction.

And maybe lots of people can use responsibily, but in my experience many also can't. For every one that uses responsibily there's at least one if not more who don't. Alcohol is just as dangerous, I'm not making an exception for it by any means.

acorsaut89 · September 2014

Alcohol is just as dangerous, I'm not making an exception for it by any means.

no one is asking you to, however, drugs or alcohol are not a reason people become violent etc....it might lower inhibitions but the want to be violent was there already.

Sorry, but no. People may have violent tendencies - and most people do - but they don't always act on them.

Even if the tendency was there, the additional stuff didn't help and made it worse. I get that it lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment and yadda yadda, but have you lived with it? It's easy to say these kinds of things on the outside looking in. Living with someone who has anger issues and some sever mental issues coupled with substances . . . it's really easy an an outsider to just say, he was violent it didn't matter about the substances. But it does - if he could have dealt with the addiction, the anger wouldn't be as prevelant and perhaps could be better managed; when we took some time apart and he was able to manage it and seek help - he was a completely different person and no where near as angry. From my experience, that substance contributed greatly in the aggravation; and then the lack of substance (before his body adjusted) made it worse.

I don't care that the OP wants to use - she's an adult and she can make those choices on her own. My point was the choice to use can destroy things . . . relationships, lives, etc. Addictions aren't easy to overcome (and I'm not saying she's addicted but many people have that addictive personality), they aren't an excuse either - many people overcome them every day but if they don't want to change they won't. People's choices are up to them, I've made questionable choices and I believe almost everyone has but when the consequences of those choices come back to bite you in the butt, as an adult you need to live up to them, accept them, and deal with them. People aren't going to pat you on the back all the time and say poor you.

JoyeII · September 2014

Your ex-boyfriend contributed to the failure of your relationship, not the drugs. He was violent? He was an addict? Not everyone is. Many people can and do use drugs recreationally, just like alcohol, with no ill effects.

There's so much more to this than you think. Do you know what he was on? You don't so you can't talk because someone who smokes pot is much different than someone who uses a narcotic. We split up for a while because of it, he had to work on it. He worked on it, we went to counselling and everything was great until he started up again.

He was violent, he was mean, he went from being happy to breaking belongings in about 10 seconds flat. Absolutely the stuff played an intergral role in this, and if you think they didn't then I'm sorry but I don't think you've ever lived with an addict.

Sure it was him, but the addiction is huge and it's one of the hardest things to ever overcome. I tried to help him but I couldn't and he didn't want help. Maybe that's part of the addiction - I'm not a counsellor. But until you've really lived this, day in day out, you can't separate the person from the substance, especially when there's an addiction.

And maybe lots of people can use responsibily, but in my experience many also can't. For every one that uses responsibily there's at least one if not more who don't. Alcohol is just as dangerous, I'm not making an exception for it by any means.

Again, HE was the reason. Not the drugs. HE had a problem. HE needed help. HE needs to be held accountable. Stop making excuses for him.

Sapporo · September 2014

I think you shouldn't care if he reads your email. You shouldn't be hiding anything. Be an open book, say go ahead... read my whole computer, whatever, I have nothing to hide, take me or leave me for who I am.
Then you'll have no problems. He may or may not take you up on the offer but even he does, he'll get bored and not bother reading your email anymore.
You should not be doing anything or writing anything you would not do in front of your bf. Be yourself, if he can't accept your "stuff" you do occasionally then that his problem and if he wants to leave you because of it then that is up to him.