TMZ Ray Rice video

wolfsbayne

I have also had the same discussions with my wife about women hitting men and pressing buttons by getting in your face.

The difference between us and animals is that we have 'free will' and the ability to exercise it. If a person presses your buttons, you have the choice to remove yourself from the situation. You can either leave, or leave that person altogether.

QFT

Mustang_Susie

My wife was a domestic violence counselor. I have heard how things can go 'horribly' wrong. I have also had the same discussions with my wife about women hitting men and pressing buttons by getting in your face.

The difference between us and animals is that we have 'free will' and the ability to exercise it. If a person presses your buttons, you have the choice to remove yourself from the situation. You can either leave, or leave that person altogether. But Rice chose to not only stay with this woman, but eventually married to her. Which indicates that he chose to put himself in a position where this could be repeated again.

Exactly.
Both the man and the woman have the choice to stay or leave.
In this particular case, they didn't have to get in the elevator together, or walk down the hallway together, or go out together etc. etc.
We can keep backing it up to the first time he/she was abusive, or the day they met.
Every time a choice was made to stay engaged in the battle or to disengage, walk away, cool off, go for counseling, break up...

mccindy72

"Why Does She Stay" Excerpt
http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/10/opinion/paul-domestic-abuse/index.html?hpt=hp_t2


"She has no idea who she is anymore. Everything she thought she knew about herself has been stripped. She knows only the screams of condemnation. "You're no good. You're stupid. You're selfish. Who else could ever love you?"

Sometimes she stays because she can't afford to go. She's given up her life to be at home. To be a mom. To be a robot for someone who hurls insults and threats as soon as she attempts to do anything for herself. She couldn't possibly support herself, could she? Not financially. Not even emotionally.

What would her parents think? Her friends say? Her family do? No. She doesn't want them to see the pathetic mess she's become. At least that's what she thinks of herself.

Why do we sit back in judgment of her? Why do we ever say to ourselves, "Maybe she deserved it. Maybe she provoked him." Why do we give an abuser a pass and a victim incrimination?

Stop asking why she stays. Would it even make sense to you if you knew?

Start asking the real question: Why does he get to hit her? And why does nobody do anything to stop him?"

Who knows he's hitting her if she doesn't tell anyone? And how can anyone stop him if no one knows? As a former abuse victim I can tell you it takes courage to be the one to rescue yourself you stepping away from the situation, telling someone and getting help to get away. And I was a child threatened when I did it. A grown woman with a child to protect can do it too. We don't give the abuser a pass, we ask the abused to stand up for herself. How can anyone else stand up for her if she won't stand up for herself first?

mommyrunning

"Why Does She Stay" Excerpt
http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/10/opinion/paul-domestic-abuse/index.html?hpt=hp_t2


"She has no idea who she is anymore. Everything she thought she knew about herself has been stripped. She knows only the screams of condemnation. "You're no good. You're stupid. You're selfish. Who else could ever love you?"

Sometimes she stays because she can't afford to go. She's given up her life to be at home. To be a mom. To be a robot for someone who hurls insults and threats as soon as she attempts to do anything for herself. She couldn't possibly support herself, could she? Not financially. Not even emotionally.

What would her parents think? Her friends say? Her family do? No. She doesn't want them to see the pathetic mess she's become. At least that's what she thinks of herself.

Why do we sit back in judgment of her? Why do we ever say to ourselves, "Maybe she deserved it. Maybe she provoked him." Why do we give an abuser a pass and a victim incrimination?

Stop asking why she stays. Would it even make sense to you if you knew?

Start asking the real question: Why does he get to hit her? And why does nobody do anything to stop him?"

Who knows he's hitting her if she doesn't tell anyone? And how can anyone stop him if no one knows? As a former abuse victim I can tell you it takes courage to be the one to rescue yourself you stepping away from the situation, telling someone and getting help to get away. And I was a child threatened when I did it. A grown woman with a child to protect can do it too. We don't give the abuser a pass, we ask the abused to stand up for herself. How can anyone else stand up for her if she won't stand up for herself first?

If no one knows then of course no one is expected to step in. What the article was saying was that when people do know they are asking the wrong questions. The response often is "What did she do to provoke it?" or "why didn't she leave?" focusing on the victim rather than the abuser.

I commend you for having the courage and strength to leave. Not everyone is able to do that. I agree that there is little someone can do if the victim does not want help. But that wasn't the point of this. The point was basically that we need to be careful not to focus on just the victim's mistakes and overlook the abuser's role.

I agree that a mother has a responsibility to protect her children. However, many feel they are protecting them by staying. Not all abusers harm their partner in front of the children. If the abuser is the child's father they may fear that if they leave several things could happen:

-the abuser could get full or shared custody of the children allowing him to be alone with and possibly abuse the children and she would not be there to protect them
-the abuser could take (kidnap) the children or harm them when she tries to leave
-the children could be taken away and given to the abuser or foster care if she is not on her feet financially yet

In theory the courts would protect the children but custody/abuse cases often come down to who has a better lawyer and what can be proven. You can read the news on almost any day and see that one of the examples listed above has happened so the system doesn't always protect the children.

In addition, when a victim chooses to leave it is the most dangerous time for them so it isn't an easy choice. (as I am sure you know)

Mustang_Susie

"Why Does She Stay" Excerpt
http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/10/opinion/paul-domestic-abuse/index.html?hpt=hp_t2


"She has no idea who she is anymore. Everything she thought she knew about herself has been stripped. She knows only the screams of condemnation. "You're no good. You're stupid. You're selfish. Who else could ever love you?"

Sometimes she stays because she can't afford to go. She's given up her life to be at home. To be a mom. To be a robot for someone who hurls insults and threats as soon as she attempts to do anything for herself. She couldn't possibly support herself, could she? Not financially. Not even emotionally.

What would her parents think? Her friends say? Her family do? No. She doesn't want them to see the pathetic mess she's become. At least that's what she thinks of herself.

Why do we sit back in judgment of her? Why do we ever say to ourselves, "Maybe she deserved it. Maybe she provoked him." Why do we give an abuser a pass and a victim incrimination?

Stop asking why she stays. Would it even make sense to you if you knew?

Start asking the real question: Why does he get to hit her? And why does nobody do anything to stop him?"

All domestic violence counselors will tell a woman ( usually, but can be a man as well) to have a plan before they leave, as this can be the most dangerous time for a woman and her children.
Again, it is easy for people on the outside to say "just leave, go to a shelter" and then blame the victim when she doesn't leave.
Okay, so she does get up and leave one day, goes to a shelter.
Then what happens? Who wants to take their kids to live in a shelter?
Was she employed or a stay at home mom? Does she have the skills/education to find a job that supports her and her children?
Sure, she may eventually get a divorce settlement that could include maintenance and child support, but that could take months or even years if it gets dragged out in court and even then he could refuse to pay.
(And I know there are plenty of men who have been forced into child support by the courts when they would just rather have the time with their kids- but that's for another thread).
So, how does she pay for rent, security deposit, new clothes, furniture, car and health insurance food, utilities, baby sitter, etc. etc.?
And we're telling her to make all these major decisions after she probably hasn't had a real say in her life for years.
If she can safely do it, she needs to seek legal advice to learn what her options are, especially in regards to finances.
She needs to find a good counselor who can begin to help her see the reality of her situation, begin to process the trauma and then determine what would be best for her and her children.
She needs to build up a support system of family and friends who will show her unconditional love.

PurringMyrrh

If she were a true gold digger, she'd use this video to divorce him and take everything.

Mustang_Susie

If she were a true gold digger, she'd use this video to divorce him and take everything.

Not unheard of...