Don't want to embarrass my friend by pointing this out

kittyd7015

but her teen daughter is heading exactly the way I gained and I want to help her. She's beautiful but I don't want her to make the same mistakes. Anyone done this before?
xxx

caracrawford1

Please just....don't. I don't know how old this young lady is, but being a teenager is hard enough with all the hormones, concerns about future and peer pressures and complications to then have a family friend point out that you are overweight. I know you mean well, but all she will hear is that she's "fat".
I teach high school and we encourage them to make healthier choices and be active but we don't focus on weight.

Liftng4Lis

I'm just going to say not a good idea here.

violasmith85

Please just....don't. I don't know how old this young lady is, but being a teenager is hard enough with all the hormones, concerns about future and peer pressures and complications to then have a family friend point out that you are overweight. I know you mean well, but all she will hear is that she's "fat".
I teach high school and we encourage them to make healthier choices and be active but we don't focus on weight.

agree completely

GiveMeCoffee

Don't do this. Not your place if they want your opinion or advice they will ask.

cnave99

Its generally a good idea to keep your eyes on your own plate- especially as concerns someone elses children.

I understand why you want to help though, and your intentions are good but that would just hurt everyone. Just like all of us, we each have to walk our own path.

VeryKatie

Please just....don't. I don't know how old this young lady is, but being a teenager is hard enough with all the hormones, concerns about future and peer pressures and complications to then have a family friend point out that you are overweight. I know you mean well, but all she will hear is that she's "fat".
I teach high school and we encourage them to make healthier choices and be active but we don't focus on weight.

^THIS

For many reasons:
1) She isn't your daughter and it isn't your place
2) She isn't your daughter and doesn't have your genetics so how could you even know?
3) You lost the weight/are losing it so that should be proof enough that other people can too
4) She's a teenager perfectly capable of making her own decisions

csec6pak

It's not about embarrassing your friend; it's about hurting her daughter at a tough time in her life.

Just don't. It's not your business.

And you have no idea what path she's on, really. You are projecting your own feelings/experiences on to her, but there is no way to know how it will really play out for her.

BigGuy47

She's beautiful but I don't want her to make the same mistakes.
xxx

She will figure it out on her own. That's how we learn. We make mistakes and then we learn from those mistakes.

Sendyk

My 15 yr old cousin is pretty sensitive and takes everything personally and negatively. My aunt has told me that at her last physical, her cholesterol was high as well as her blood pressure and she is at risk for many of the health issues associated with being overweight. We are concerned because her father's side of the family tend to be overweight and so we know that it's not just "baby fat." I would also like to know how we could broach the subject about the issues with her weight because it seems that sparing her feelings may just cost her her health.

kittyd7015

My 15 yr old cousin is pretty sensitive and takes everything personally and negatively. My aunt has told me that at her last physical, her cholesterol was high as well as her blood pressure and she is at risk for many of the health issues associated with being overweight. We are concerned because her father's side of the family tend to be overweight and so we know that it's not just "baby fat." I would also like to know how we could broach the subject about the issues with her weight because it seems that sparing her feelings may just cost her her health.

this is wot im worried about. I wasnt goin to speak to her but to my friend and point it out. I would never speak directly to her bout sumtin lik dat I agree its not my place Im not related xxx

dcglobalgirl

I agree with everyone who says "don't talk to her about it" but that doesn't mean you can't invite your friend and her daughter for a hiking trip or regular walks or suggest doing a C25K together. You could broach it, as "I'm really excited about this. Let's all do it together", and that way, you might be a good role model for the daughter and she might even approach you about how to get fit.

wannabeskinnycat

Yeah, ask her for help in training or keeping fit. She'll probably think you're a dinosaur but she will definitely feel wanted and useful. Better than being made to feel even more self conscious than she does now. And your mate might just tell you to mind you're own business x

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gypsy_spirit

If you start a sentence with I don't want to embarrass my friend, but - then you know already that it will embarrass her.

My answer (also my opinion) is going to be about talking to anyone about their weight and health. Those talks generally do not do what you intend for them to do. When we join MFP and start becoming more knowledgeable about our health, we want to share that with everyone we know and love. But, unless they are asking for your advice, it's too touchy a subject - especially with someone else's child.

As far as talking to your friend - if you genuinely think that she doesn't have a clue what's happening to her daughter and you are very close - then mention it and see what she says. Otherwise, leave it alone. Be prepared for the fall out.

trinatrina1984

I agree with everyone who says "don't talk to her about it" but that doesn't mean you can't invite your friend and her daughter for a hiking trip or regular walks or suggest doing a C25K together. You could broach it, as "I'm really excited about this. Let's all do it together", and that way, you might be a good role model for the daughter and she might even approach you about how to get fit.

Agree with all of this, it may not do your friendship any favors to effectively criticize her parenting.

SunofaBeach14

Then shut your mouth

Tanie98

What makes you think this is any of your business?

GiveMeCoffee

I'm going to share something that happened to me. As a teenager I played a lot of sports, was very active, and was about a size 8 or 10. Not fat, but not skinny. Well my aunt, who is very obsessed with her weight and was never bigger than a size 4, decided I was fat and she needed to "save me". She harped on me so bad, that I did start to think I was fat, and I decided I had to go on a diet. Well I was young, had no clue. This diet consisted of me trying to go as long as I could without eating, only drinking water, while still playing sports, etc. That is when I began my yoyo dieting cycle.

So it is not your place, if their doctor is concerned the doctor will make recommendations.

Sendyk

Yeah, ask her for help in training or keeping fit. She'll probably think you're a dinosaur but she will definitely feel wanted and useful. Better than being made to feel even more self conscious than she does now. And your mate might just tell you to mind you're own business x

I think that's kinda brilliant! I'll see if I can label it as a "girls' only" type of activity and include her mother as well. But I have a feeling she might feel uncomfortable breaking a sweat around her. And since I'm the cool, hip, cousin ;p maybe she'll want to start a regimen with me to "keep me motivated." Maybe bring it up during a shopping trip how I'd like to tone up /lose weight and need a workout/ jogging buddy. I can then bribe her with free workout gear. I'll try to make it about me and hopefully, she'll see my pushing as desperate and take pity on my poor fat soul. Hubby knows what's good for him, so he'll stay mum.

sljohnson1207

I'm pretty sure your friend probably is already aware of the situation, that is if she takes her daughter to the doctor for well-checks. Since that is most likely the case, she probably is also worried, but what she is probably MORE worried about is that her daughter grows up to have good self esteem and doesn't just focus on how she looks, but who she is. Now, if her health is bad, like high blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, and she's not taking ANY actions, that would be bad, but still not your place to say anything to the child. I know you know that because you said so.

This is a very tough situation for a parent. I saw my own daughter going toward this when she went through puberty, and yes, we have serious morbid obesity running in my family, and I've had eating disorders (yes, more than one) in my past. It's a seriously touchy subject, and one that I couldn't really touch on with her without worrying that she'd do what I did. She has seen her great-grandmother, great uncle, grandmother, mother, and aunt all struggle with being overweight or obese. She has seen her dad gain a lot of weight in front of her eyes, and has watched her stepmother and step sister struggle as well. She sees her stepfather struggle as well, as he was not overweight until his late forties, even though he was still VERY active.

I just kept encouraging her to eat a balanced diet, choose colorful, fresh foods, over pre-packaged foods more often, and get some movement (she is not an athlete at all), which she was not doing.

She is currently at a healthy weight and is absolutely a gorgeous petite young woman, and had a check up this week. The doctor told her so, and encouraged her to eat a variable diet and move. She has decided to be a vegetarian, and that is of concern to me, but I do my very best to let her pick out non-meat proteins that she will eat at the grocery store, and encourage her to use the protein tracker app on her iPhone.

It will be so much easier for her to maintain a healthy weight if she never becomes overweight to begin with, and all I can do is pray that I've been a good enough role model and encouraged her to behave in healthy ways, so that she will never have to face the pain of obesity herself. It's a struggle I would never wish on anyone.

ShannonS921

I'm going to share something that happened to me. As a teenager I played a lot of sports, was very active, and was about a size 8 or 10. Not fat, but not skinny. Well my aunt, who is very obsessed with her weight and was never bigger than a size 4, decided I was fat and she needed to "save me". She harped on me so bad, that I did start to think I was fat, and I decided I had to go on a diet. Well I was young, had no clue. This diet consisted of me trying to go as long as I could without eating, only drinking water, while still playing sports, etc. That is when I began my yoyo dieting cycle.

So it is not your place, if their doctor is concerned the doctor will make recommendations.

I dealt with similar situations with both of my parents.

Other people trying to be "helpful" about my weight is what led to my eating disorder. Just DON'T.

gypsy_spirit

Yeah, ask her for help in training or keeping fit. She'll probably think you're a dinosaur but she will definitely feel wanted and useful. Better than being made to feel even more self conscious than she does now. And your mate might just tell you to mind you're own business x

I think that's kinda brilliant! I'll see if I can label it as a "girls' only" type of activity and include her mother as well. But I have a feeling she might feel uncomfortable breaking a sweat around her. And since I'm the cool, hip, cousin ;p maybe she'll want to start a regimen with me to "keep me motivated." Maybe bring it up during a shopping trip how I'd like to tone up /lose weight and need a workout/ jogging buddy. I can then bribe her with free workout gear. I'll try to make it about me and hopefully, she'll see my pushing as desperate and take pity on my poor fat soul. Hubby knows what's good for him, so he'll stay mum.

If she is on board this will be a great activity for the 2 of you. If you're too deceptive, (and kids can be very perceptive about things like this), you may really do some damage to your relationship.

Can you not just ask her if she wants to do some fun things with you like hiking? Skating? Running? Why does it have to be all about deceiving her?

Do you think that is going to work in the long run? Would it work with you? How would you feel if you found out a family member was doing that to you?

WhatAnAss

And you want to do this why? To crush a teenage girls self image which is probably already bad enough. Just because what she is doing turned out bad for you does not mean it will for her. You dont have the same body or the same DNA for that matter. Leave it alone. It's really not your place.

LiminalAscendance

I was confused about how one would think what you're suggesting is appropriate, but then I noticed how old you were.

If/when you have your own teen child, try out all these great ideas on them (or allow others to tell you how to do it, since that is apparently appropriate to you).

seltzermint555

I'm honestly SUPER confused by the majority of responses you have received. I assumed (correctly) that you meant you would talk to your FRIEND, the mother...not to the daughter directly.

If you think it will embarrass your friend though...just leave it be. I'm fairly certain she already knows her daughter has a weight issue.

The only way I'd mention it is through casual conversation. Obviously YOU know your friend best and can gauge how she will take it...but I could see myself talking <again TO THE FRIEND, NOT HER DAUGHTER> about my own nutritional missteps as a teen or at college age, and how I wish I'd known then what I know now. That's about it though.

I have a friend who is morbidly obese, as was I for many years. Her daughter is a beautiful and atheltic 17 year old but she is already overweight and wears plus sizes...and I can see it becoming more of an issue every time I see her. However with this particular friend (the mom) I wouldn't say anything because of her own weight problem and I know it WOULD embarrass and upset her. Also, I'm pretty sure that she's in denial about her daughter because as she sees it, her daughter is still a lot smaller than she is so she's "totally fine". Not to get all into HAES and such but I'd agree that her daughter's probably VERY healthy...however I don't think it's usually good for a 16 yr old to be a size 12 and then a size 16 or 18 at 17. She's not 6'4"...yeah that sounds judgey and is not my intention. Whatever.

People generally just have to come to these things on their own.

pander101

Unfortunately, the teenage would probably have to end up making the decision to do something about her weight on her own instead of being pressured about it. When I was a teenager, my grandma harassed me about my weight constantly. I was pretty active in high school, team captain of the water polo team and played rugby as well. I was a bit over weight but I could play very well. But I resented her for saying anything about my weight, it made me feel so much worse about myself that I focused on that instead of wanting to do anything to fix it. I still resent her anytime she mentions it. It took a toll on our relationship. I didn't do anything about my weight till my freshman year of college when I matured a little. Now I just brush her off if she mentions it. She doesn't anymore though.

Your choice if you tackle the situation with the parent. But it could cause some issues with you and your friend.

MinnieInMaine

I kind of get where you're coming from OP but as most people have said, it'd be best to keep it to yourself. I have a 2nd cousin who I saw slowly getting heavier eventhough she was active in sports so I knew it had to be her eating habits. I really wanted to talk to her about it but then I realized two things - 1) it's none of my damn business and 2) if someone approached me at that age with all this advice and baggage, I'd probably have rolled my eyes. We all think we're invincible in our teens and 20's.

I will say though, I kind of like the idea of inviting her to do active things with you and your friend (and probably tell her to bring a friend along if she'd like). Even something like bowling would be better than sitting arond on the couch. Maybe bring up events that have been in your area lately - mud runs, triathalons, etc and see if there's any interest. You could all train together as a team, think of fun costumes, etc. Really get into it. On the other hand, you might not get interest but it'd be worth a try.

ahawkx

IMO I would stay away. To each their own.

That being said, I wish someone would've stopped me.

StaciMarie1974

Invite the friend (and family) to do active things with you & your family. But other than that, unless there is some sort of imminent danger, stay out of it.

Like instead of getting together for a movie night (couch activity) get together for a hike.

skinnyD2308

My 15 yr old cousin is pretty sensitive and takes everything personally and negatively. My aunt has told me that at her last physical, her cholesterol was high as well as her blood pressure and she is at risk for many of the health issues associated with being overweight. We are concerned because her father's side of the family tend to be overweight and so we know that it's not just "baby fat." I would also like to know how we could broach the subject about the issues with her weight because it seems that sparing her feelings may just cost her her health.

Okay, so she was at her physical too, right? So why do you need to repeat what she already heard from the doctor? That will only make her feel worse. The most you could do is offer advice IF asked. If you are close to your neice then perhaps tell her about your own history and what you did about it that helped.