Don't want to embarrass my friend by pointing this out
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I'm going to share something that happened to me. As a teenager I played a lot of sports, was very active, and was about a size 8 or 10. Not fat, but not skinny. Well my aunt, who is very obsessed with her weight and was never bigger than a size 4, decided I was fat and she needed to "save me". She harped on me so bad, that I did start to think I was fat, and I decided I had to go on a diet. Well I was young, had no clue. This diet consisted of me trying to go as long as I could without eating, only drinking water, while still playing sports, etc. That is when I began my yoyo dieting cycle.
So it is not your place, if their doctor is concerned the doctor will make recommendations.
I dealt with similar situations with both of my parents.
Other people trying to be "helpful" about my weight is what led to my eating disorder. Just DON'T.0 -
Yeah, ask her for help in training or keeping fit. She'll probably think you're a dinosaur but she will definitely feel wanted and useful. Better than being made to feel even more self conscious than she does now. And your mate might just tell you to mind you're own business x
I think that's kinda brilliant! I'll see if I can label it as a "girls' only" type of activity and include her mother as well. But I have a feeling she might feel uncomfortable breaking a sweat around her. And since I'm the cool, hip, cousin ;p maybe she'll want to start a regimen with me to "keep me motivated." Maybe bring it up during a shopping trip how I'd like to tone up /lose weight and need a workout/ jogging buddy. I can then bribe her with free workout gear. I'll try to make it about me and hopefully, she'll see my pushing as desperate and take pity on my poor fat soul.
Hubby knows what's good for him, so he'll stay mum.
If she is on board this will be a great activity for the 2 of you. If you're too deceptive, (and kids can be very perceptive about things like this), you may really do some damage to your relationship.
Can you not just ask her if she wants to do some fun things with you like hiking? Skating? Running? Why does it have to be all about deceiving her?
Do you think that is going to work in the long run? Would it work with you? How would you feel if you found out a family member was doing that to you?0 -
And you want to do this why? To crush a teenage girls self image which is probably already bad enough. Just because what she is doing turned out bad for you does not mean it will for her. You dont have the same body or the same DNA for that matter. Leave it alone. It's really not your place.0
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I was confused about how one would think what you're suggesting is appropriate, but then I noticed how old you were.
If/when you have your own teen child, try out all these great ideas on them (or allow others to tell you how to do it, since that is apparently appropriate to you).0 -
I'm honestly SUPER confused by the majority of responses you have received. I assumed (correctly) that you meant you would talk to your FRIEND, the mother...not to the daughter directly.
If you think it will embarrass your friend though...just leave it be. I'm fairly certain she already knows her daughter has a weight issue.
The only way I'd mention it is through casual conversation. Obviously YOU know your friend best and can gauge how she will take it...but I could see myself talking <again TO THE FRIEND, NOT HER DAUGHTER> about my own nutritional missteps as a teen or at college age, and how I wish I'd known then what I know now. That's about it though.
I have a friend who is morbidly obese, as was I for many years. Her daughter is a beautiful and atheltic 17 year old but she is already overweight and wears plus sizes...and I can see it becoming more of an issue every time I see her. However with this particular friend (the mom) I wouldn't say anything because of her own weight problem and I know it WOULD embarrass and upset her. Also, I'm pretty sure that she's in denial about her daughter because as she sees it, her daughter is still a lot smaller than she is so she's "totally fine". Not to get all into HAES and such but I'd agree that her daughter's probably VERY healthy...however I don't think it's usually good for a 16 yr old to be a size 12 and then a size 16 or 18 at 17. She's not 6'4"...yeah that sounds judgey and is not my intention. Whatever.
People generally just have to come to these things on their own.0 -
Unfortunately, the teenage would probably have to end up making the decision to do something about her weight on her own instead of being pressured about it. When I was a teenager, my grandma harassed me about my weight constantly. I was pretty active in high school, team captain of the water polo team and played rugby as well. I was a bit over weight but I could play very well. But I resented her for saying anything about my weight, it made me feel so much worse about myself that I focused on that instead of wanting to do anything to fix it. I still resent her anytime she mentions it. It took a toll on our relationship. I didn't do anything about my weight till my freshman year of college when I matured a little. Now I just brush her off if she mentions it. She doesn't anymore though.
Your choice if you tackle the situation with the parent. But it could cause some issues with you and your friend.0 -
I kind of get where you're coming from OP but as most people have said, it'd be best to keep it to yourself. I have a 2nd cousin who I saw slowly getting heavier eventhough she was active in sports so I knew it had to be her eating habits. I really wanted to talk to her about it but then I realized two things - 1) it's none of my damn business and 2) if someone approached me at that age with all this advice and baggage, I'd probably have rolled my eyes. We all think we're invincible in our teens and 20's.
I will say though, I kind of like the idea of inviting her to do active things with you and your friend (and probably tell her to bring a friend along if she'd like). Even something like bowling would be better than sitting arond on the couch. Maybe bring up events that have been in your area lately - mud runs, triathalons, etc and see if there's any interest. You could all train together as a team, think of fun costumes, etc. Really get into it. On the other hand, you might not get interest but it'd be worth a try.0 -
IMO I would stay away. To each their own.
That being said, I wish someone would've stopped me.0 -
Invite the friend (and family) to do active things with you & your family. But other than that, unless there is some sort of imminent danger, stay out of it.
Like instead of getting together for a movie night (couch activity) get together for a hike.0 -
My 15 yr old cousin is pretty sensitive and takes everything personally and negatively. My aunt has told me that at her last physical, her cholesterol was high as well as her blood pressure and she is at risk for many of the health issues associated with being overweight. We are concerned because her father's side of the family tend to be overweight and so we know that it's not just "baby fat." I would also like to know how we could broach the subject about the issues with her weight because it seems that sparing her feelings may just cost her her health.
Okay, so she was at her physical too, right? So why do you need to repeat what she already heard from the doctor? That will only make her feel worse. The most you could do is offer advice IF asked. If you are close to your neice then perhaps tell her about your own history and what you did about it that helped.0 -
Yeah, ask her for help in training or keeping fit. She'll probably think you're a dinosaur but she will definitely feel wanted and useful. Better than being made to feel even more self conscious than she does now. And your mate might just tell you to mind you're own business x
I think that's kinda brilliant! I'll see if I can label it as a "girls' only" type of activity and include her mother as well. But I have a feeling she might feel uncomfortable breaking a sweat around her. And since I'm the cool, hip, cousin ;p maybe she'll want to start a regimen with me to "keep me motivated." Maybe bring it up during a shopping trip how I'd like to tone up /lose weight and need a workout/ jogging buddy. I can then bribe her with free workout gear. I'll try to make it about me and hopefully, she'll see my pushing as desperate and take pity on my poor fat soul. Hubby knows what's good for him, so he'll stay mum.
If she is on board this will be a great activity for the 2 of you. If you're too deceptive, (and kids can be very perceptive about things like this), you may really do some damage to your relationship.
Can you not just ask her if she wants to do some fun things with you like hiking? Skating? Running? Why does it have to be all about deceiving her?
Do you think that is going to work in the long run? Would it work with you? How would you feel if you found out a family member was doing that to you?
I get what you mean and I didn't want to make it sound like it was ALL about deceiving her, but it seems a good idea to take keep the pressure off of her. I think that if I introduce her to those activities as a companion she might breathe a little easier and focus on the fun instead of performing. I am not going to feel guilty about finding a way to introduce fun physical activity whether it's a bit manipulative or not. What WOULD make me feel guilty is watching her health decline and not doing anything to help her especially since her mother asked for my help . And honestly, I think it would definitely have worked with me to feel wanted in that way. As a teen I was only sensitive to criticisms from my parents. And if I enjoyed the time spent with a family member that I looked up to and respected, I wouldn't have minded if I'd been "duped." When I said "regimen," it wasn't going to be strictly burpees and mountain climbers, but maybe salsa lessons and outdoor jogging, maybe some dance aerobic class, other activities like that.0 -
Yeah, ask her for help in training or keeping fit. She'll probably think you're a dinosaur but she will definitely feel wanted and useful. Better than being made to feel even more self conscious than she does now. And your mate might just tell you to mind you're own business x
I think that's kinda brilliant! I'll see if I can label it as a "girls' only" type of activity and include her mother as well. But I have a feeling she might feel uncomfortable breaking a sweat around her. And since I'm the cool, hip, cousin ;p maybe she'll want to start a regimen with me to "keep me motivated." Maybe bring it up during a shopping trip how I'd like to tone up /lose weight and need a workout/ jogging buddy. I can then bribe her with free workout gear. I'll try to make it about me and hopefully, she'll see my pushing as desperate and take pity on my poor fat soul. Hubby knows what's good for him, so he'll stay mum.
Love this idea!!!!0 -
My 15 yr old cousin is pretty sensitive and takes everything personally and negatively. My aunt has told me that at her last physical, her cholesterol was high as well as her blood pressure and she is at risk for many of the health issues associated with being overweight. We are concerned because her father's side of the family tend to be overweight and so we know that it's not just "baby fat." I would also like to know how we could broach the subject about the issues with her weight because it seems that sparing her feelings may just cost her her health.
Okay, so she was at her physical too, right? So why do you need to repeat what she already heard from the doctor? That will only make her feel worse. The most you could do is offer advice IF asked. If you are close to your neice then perhaps tell her about your own history and what you did about it that helped.
She didn't hear it from her doctor. Her mother received a call from her doctor when her blood work came in. Yes, I understand the big issue about sparing her feelings, that's why I'm looking to not only spare those precious feelings but to also spare her life which I believe is more important.0 -
Chances wre your friend AS THE GIRLS MUM is already awear of anything thats going with her daughter,
and no matter how close you are as friends being the one to point out to her that her daught is gonna end up over weight its not going to be met with an "omg thanks for pointing out"
truth is your more likely to get "who do you think you"
stay out of it and leave your friend to raise her daughter!0 -
So many reasons to keep your yap shut.
-It's none of your business
-It isn't your place
-It's rude
-It could hurt someone
And that's just for starters.
Mind your business and leave her to hers.0 -
but her teen daughter is heading exactly the way I gained and I want to help her. She's beautiful but I don't want her to make the same mistakes. Anyone done this before?
xxx
It's nice that you're concerned for others. If there were more people like that, the world would be a better place. Nevertheless, you should probably let it be. She will have to learn through experiences.0 -
but her teen daughter is heading exactly the way I gained and I want to help her. She's beautiful but I don't want her to make the same mistakes. Anyone done this before?
xxx
Try this.. be extremely defense and talk about your self, Say when I had a plate I would put three portions of something not just 1..
and I did it for 10 years, and I gained 100lbs from it..0 -
If you came and told me that my daughter was fat I wouldn't be embarrassed I would be angry and a bit piss*d off. Who are you to tell anyone how they should look/weigh etc etc. Has it ever occurred to you she may be perfectly happy the way she is? Don't project your own ideals on to others. If you do say anything I hope her mother has a few words for you.0
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Honestly why don't you just try to be a role model without mentioning the weight. Invite her for long walks and talk to her about life, let her vent. Invite her for lunch and serve healthy food. Just be a healthy influence in her life. You don't need to mention the weight just introduce her to a new and healthy lifestyle by having her around. And when and if she is ready she will start to ask about eating healthier and exercising once she sees how positive of a life style change it can be
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My 15 yr old cousin is pretty sensitive and takes everything personally and negatively. My aunt has told me that at her last physical, her cholesterol was high as well as her blood pressure and she is at risk for many of the health issues associated with being overweight. We are concerned because her father's side of the family tend to be overweight and so we know that it's not just "baby fat." I would also like to know how we could broach the subject about the issues with her weight because it seems that sparing her feelings may just cost her her health.
Okay, so she was at her physical too, right? So why do you need to repeat what she already heard from the doctor? That will only make her feel worse. The most you could do is offer advice IF asked. If you are close to your neice then perhaps tell her about your own history and what you did about it that helped.
She didn't hear it from her doctor. Her mother received a call from her doctor when her blood work came in. Yes, I understand the big issue about sparing her feelings, that's why I'm looking to not only spare those precious feelings but to also spare her life which I believe is more important.
But I think that what you're missing (as well as the OP) is that you can't simply ignore her feelings in the name of "her health is more important." Just because you mention to your cousin that you're concerned about her weight doesn't mean that the outcome you want will be the actual outcome. As a matter of fact, it probably won't. Since she is sensitive about the topic, surely it's not like she is unaware that she is overweight. All it will most likely do is to make her self-conscious and possibly make her more depressed/turn to food, and will exacerbate the health issues you say you're concerned about.0
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