This is a competition...
UsedToBeHusky
Posts: 15,228 Member
in Chit-Chat
The post that makes me laugh the hardest wins.
Aaaannd go...
Aaaannd go...
0
Replies
-
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who
knocn knock
whos there
banan
banana who
knock konck
whos there
orange
orange who
orange you glad i didnt say banana HAAHAHAHHA0 -
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
I don't know either, but I hope you know how to swim.0 -
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!0 -
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who
knocn knock
whos there
banan
banana who
knock konck
whos there
orange
orange who
orange you glad i didnt say banana HAAHAHAHHA
That joke STINKS!
Oh wait... maybe that's you.0 -
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Ben Hur
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur over and give it to her doggy style!0 -
So I had Sara over for a few days and we were sitting on my couch eating some ice cream and suddenly she just busts out laughing. And I mean like hysterical laughter.
She's pointing towards the couch and I'm all like "WTF you laughing at".
Then in between breaths she's like
"...........Is that a toenail?"
So I look over and sure enough there's a random toenail just sitting there on the couch.
That's it. We were both crying though.
Friggin random toenail.0 -
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."0 -
I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on *kitten*, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.0
-
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who
knocn knock
whos there
banan
banana who
knock konck
whos there
orange
orange who
orange you glad i didnt say banana HAAHAHAHHA
That joke STINKS!
Oh wait... maybe that's you.
LMAO! You ust won your own compitition!!0 -
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who
knocn knock
whos there
banan
banana who
knock konck
whos there
orange
orange who
orange you glad i didnt say banana HAAHAHAHHA
That joke STINKS!
Oh wait... maybe that's you.
LMAO! You ust won your own compitition!!
I know. He really just set me up beautifully, didn't he?0 -
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.0 -
A Giraffe walks into a bar and says: "Highballs for everybody!"0
-
Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”0 -
I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on *kitten*, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.
that.
is.
epic!!!!!0 -
How to humiliate an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.0 -
:laugh:What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
I don't know either, but I hope you know how to swim.0 -
**NOTE** I learned this joke WAY before viagra....
A man in his late age went to the doc to see if there was a way he could get it up for his wife in bed. So the doc said you bet we have an implant, but you can only use it 3 times, so you have to be very choosy about when you use it. So the man agreed and had a quick surgery to remedy his problem.
During recovery the doc told him that in order to "activate" his erection he simply needed to say the word "beep" and once he was done to turn it off to simply say "beep beep". (Of course the doc wrote this down and didn't actually say it in fear he could activate it himself). The old man thinking at his age he might not live to get all 3 times in said out loud "BEEP" and sure enough there was his erection. He said "beep beep" and it disappeared before his eyes.
Excited to try this out with his wife he rushed home. In his frantic drive to get across town, he cut another car off who beeped the horn at the old man.... sure enough there was the erection... the old man angry shook his fist at the driver and the other car responded with a "beep beep" on the horn and there went the erection. He thought to himself he better hurry because there was only one chance left to get it on with his wife.
When the man got home he called for his wife and told her to get into bed and get ready because they were finally going to be able to get some action. He tore his clothes off and jumped into bed and shouted out "BEEP" at the top of his lungs..... his wife looked at him and replied... "what's all this "beep beep" bull****??0 -
**NOTE** I learned this joke WAY before viagra....
A man in his late age went to the doc to see if there was a way he could get it up for his wife in bed. So the doc said you bet we have an implant, but you can only use it 3 times, so you have to be very choosy about when you use it. So the man agreed and had a quick surgery to remedy his problem.
During recovery the doc told him that in order to "activate" his erection he simply needed to say the word "beep" and once he was done to turn it off to simply say "beep beep". (Of course the doc wrote this down and didn't actually say it in fear he could activate it himself). The old man thinking at his age he might not live to get all 3 times in said out loud "BEEP" and sure enough there was his erection. He said "beep beep" and it disappeared before his eyes.
Excited to try this out with his wife he rushed home. In his frantic drive to get across town, he cut another car off who beeped the horn at the old man.... sure enough there was the erection... the old man angry shook his fist at the driver and the other car responded with a "beep beep" on the horn and there went the erection. He thought to himself he better hurry because there was only one chance left to get it on with his wife.
When the man got home he called for his wife and told her to get into bed and get ready because they were finally going to be able to get some action. He tore his clothes off and jumped into bed and shouted out "BEEP" at the top of his lungs..... his wife looked at him and replied... "what's all this "beep beep" bull****??
That one got a snicker. Come on, folks! Keep trying.0 -
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Slacker!!0 -
three strings went into a bar.
The first one went to the bartender and asked for a beer. The bartender eyed him up and asked, "You're one of them strings, ain'tcha?"
"Yeah," the string admitted.
"Sorry, we don't serve strings here," the bartender said.
The string went back to the table.
The second string tried to act nonchalant and sauntered up to the bar. "Barkeep, I'll take a beer here!" He called out.
The bartender looked down the bar at him.
"Say," he said. "Ain't you another one o' them strings?"
"um," the string gulped, "yes, I am."
"Like I told your pal, there," the bartender said, "we don't serve your kind here."
The second string moped his way back to the table.
"I guess we're not getting any beers today," he said.
The third string thought for a minute. Then he said, "Help me for second. Tie me in a big knot in the middle of my body, and then pulled my ends apart."
His friends seemed shocked at first, but they really wanted those beers and were willing to try anything, so they did what their friend asked. When the third string was tied up and pulled apart, he made his way to the bar.
"Hey bartender!" he yelled confidently down the bar. "I'll take three beers for me and my friends!"
The bartender eyed him carefully and then asked, "Are you another one o' them string fellas?"
"Nope," the third string replied honestly. "I'm a frayed knot."0 -
2.If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.0 -
three strings went into a bar.
The first one went to the bartender and asked for a beer. The bartender eyed him up and asked, "You're one of them strings, ain'tcha?"
"Yeah," the string admitted.
"Sorry, we don't serve strings here," the bartender said.
The string went back to the table.
The second string tried to act nonchalant and sauntered up to the bar. "Barkeep, I'll take a beer here!" He called out.
The bartender looked down the bar at him.
"Say," he said. "Ain't you another one o' them strings?"
"um," the string gulped, "yes, I am."
"Like I told your pal, there," the bartender said, "we don't serve your kind here."
The second string moped his way back to the table.
"I guess we're not getting any beers today," he said.
The third string thought for a minute. Then he said, "Help me for second. Tie me in a big knot in the middle of my body, and then pulled my ends apart."
His friends seemed shocked at first, but they really wanted those beers and were willing to try anything, so they did what their friend asked. When the third string was tied up and pulled apart, he made his way to the bar.
"Hey bartender!" he yelled confidently down the bar. "I'll take three beers for me and my friends!"
The bartender eyed him carefully and then asked, "Are you another one o' them string fellas?"
"Nope," the third string replied honestly. "I'm a frayed knot."
That one made me smile!
0 -
What do puppies and gynocologists have in common?
Wet noses.0 -
A cowboy limped into a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and headed for the stable looking to buy a new horse. The stablemaster said, "I've got just the thing...spirited, strong, fast...perfect for a feller like you. Only thing is, he was owned by our last preacher. Preacher thought it'd be inspirational to the townsfolk if he trained this horse to some Biblical commands. You want him to go faster, holler, "Praise the Lord!". You want him to stop, tell him, "Hallelujh!""
The cowboy thought it was odd, but the price was right and the horse was sound. He gingerly climbed up and decided to take him for a run before making up his mind. So he dug his heels into the horse's sides and said, "Praise the Lord!" Obediently, he starts at a fast walk, increasing his speed as the cowboy begins shouting, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!"
Too soon, horse and rider are tearing across the land at a full gallop. They whiz past a sign that the cowboy could barely make out, "Bridge out" He starts pulling the reins and yelling for the horse, "WHOA!!" But the horse just keep running at top speed. Frantically, the cowboy pulls harder, then remembers and shouts, "HALLELUJAH!!" The horse screeches to a stop mere feet from the edge of the cliff.
The cowboy yanks off his hat, wipes his brow and tilts his head back, face to the heavens and says a fervent, "Praise the Lord!"0 -
A cowboy limped into a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and headed for the stable looking to buy a new horse. The stablemaster said, "I've got just the thing...spirited, strong, fast...perfect for a feller like you. Only thing is, he was owned by our last preacher. Preacher thought it'd be inspirational to the townsfolk if he trained this horse to some Biblical commands. You want him to go faster, holler, "Praise the Lord!". You want him to stop, tell him, "Hallelujh!""
The cowboy thought it was odd, but the price was right and the horse was sound. He gingerly climbed up and decided to take him for a run before making up his mind. So he dug his heels into the horse's sides and said, "Praise the Lord!" Obediently, he starts at a fast walk, increasing his speed as the cowboy begins shouting, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!"
Too soon, horse and rider are tearing across the land at a full gallop. They whiz past a sign that the cowboy could barely make out, "Bridge out" He starts pulling the reins and yelling for the horse, "WHOA!!" But the horse just keep running at top speed. Frantically, the cowboy pulls harder, then remembers and shouts, "HALLELUJAH!!" The horse screeches to a stop mere feet from the edge of the cliff.
The cowboy yanks off his hat, wipes his brow and tilts his head back, face to the heavens and says a fervent, "Praise the Lord!"
That one tickled a bit. But I bet someone out there has something better.0 -
A cowboy limped into a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and headed for the stable looking to buy a new horse. The stablemaster said, "I've got just the thing...spirited, strong, fast...perfect for a feller like you. Only thing is, he was owned by our last preacher. Preacher thought it'd be inspirational to the townsfolk if he trained this horse to some Biblical commands. You want him to go faster, holler, "Praise the Lord!". You want him to stop, tell him, "Hallelujh!""
The cowboy thought it was odd, but the price was right and the horse was sound. He gingerly climbed up and decided to take him for a run before making up his mind. So he dug his heels into the horse's sides and said, "Praise the Lord!" Obediently, he starts at a fast walk, increasing his speed as the cowboy begins shouting, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!"
Too soon, horse and rider are tearing across the land at a full gallop. They whiz past a sign that the cowboy could barely make out, "Bridge out" He starts pulling the reins and yelling for the horse, "WHOA!!" But the horse just keep running at top speed. Frantically, the cowboy pulls harder, then remembers and shouts, "HALLELUJAH!!" The horse screeches to a stop mere feet from the edge of the cliff.
The cowboy yanks off his hat, wipes his brow and tilts his head back, face to the heavens and says a fervent, "Praise the Lord!"
That one tickled a bit. But I bet someone out there has something better.0 -
knock, knock.
who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interr
MOO!0 -
knock, knock.
who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interr
MOO!
My daughter LOVES this one. lol0 -
An old woman went to the doctor.
"Doctor, she said, this is a bit embarrassing but I have constant flatulence. They are silent and odorless, but still..."
The doctor nods slowly and fills out a prescription.
A few days later, the old woman returns to the doctor.
"- Doctor, what have you done? My flatulence is as bad as before, but the stench is now so bad I can barely stay in a closed room anymore...
- Good, says the doctor, I see your nose has cleared up. Let's see what we can do for your ears."0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions