This is a competition...
Replies
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Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.0
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So there's this brunette at the railroad tracks jumping back and forth over the tracks saying in a ditzy, sing-songy way... "twenty-one... twenty-one... twenty-one".
A blonde shows up and, not knowing why the brunette was doing this, decides to join in anyway. Soon they are both jumping back and forth over the tracks saying "twenty-one... twenty-one... twenty-one".
Pretty soon a train shows up. The brunette quickly jumps off the tracks, and the blonde is run over.
Once the train is gone the brunette goes back to the tracks...
Twenty-two... twenty-two... twenty-two.0 -
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?0
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There were 3 very old gentlemen who were regulars at the local bawdy house. They went for a visit and all the girls were already occupied. The Madam, not wanting to lose their business though to herself "They're mostly blind and deaf I'll give them blow up dolls." So she got the rooms ready with the lights off and the dolls inside. The men were talking to each other about it later, commenting on how quiet their dates had been. One of them piped up and said "I think mine was a witch!" The other 2 looked at him strangely, and he said "No joke! I was doing my thing and she farted and flew out the window!"0
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A wife asks her husband, "Could you go
buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."0 -
True Story
My daughter is 11 and loves going hunting with her dad. My husband was going on a long weekend hunting trip for opening day, with his buddy from work, Kyle.
My daughter and i are driving home, and she starts humming, then turns to me abruptly and says, "Do you think Bubby (her 15 year old brother) would help me hide a body?" i am a little startled and tell her I think he probably would, but it would depend on how much trouble she was in.
"No, trouble. I was thinking if I killed Kyle, then i could go hunting with Daddy."
"Don't you think that's a little extreme?" i asked her.
"Maybe...Okay, so I won't kill him, just hurt him real bad and lock him in a shed or something and then let him out when we get back. Do you think Bubby would help me do that?"
I am trying not to laugh at this point. She then starts humming again, and I recognize the tune from the Disney movie, "Frozen", "Do You want to build a snowman"...then she starts singing..."Will you help me hide a body...it doesn't have to be in one piece..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4jPQw5nSIY 0 -
Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight *kitten*. What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours."0 -
lol!Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight *kitten*. What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours."0 -
Who's the coolest person in the hospital?
....the ultra sound guy.0 -
Who's the coolest when he's not there?
....the hip replacement guy.0 -
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the way down 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."0 -
what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk0 -
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall.
Dam.0 -
A gynecologist is coming up to his 50th birthday and is really thinking about his life. He realises that he never actually wanted to be a doctor, but was pushed into it by his parents and he thinks "Stuff it! I've made enough money, I'm going to give up gynecology and follow my childhood dream to become a mechanic!"
So he sells up his gynecology practice and goes to Tech College to become a mechanic. He loves it, continually excells at his classes, and before long, it's the end of the course and time for the final exam. It's a practical exam, very simple - he simply has to take an engine completely apart and put it back together again.
A week or so after the exam, the (ex-)gynecologist gets his test results. He's stunned to see that he got 150% on the final! But he thinks to himself "that can't be right" and, bein g of good conscience, calls the senior lecturer. He explains that he is very pleased with his result, but can't see how he could have received 150% on the exam and that there must be a mistake.
The senior lecturer pulls up his file and assures the good doctor that there is indeed no mistake - he really received 150% on the final. The gyno, of course, asks how this is possible.
"Well," the senior lecturer explains, "The first 50% of the exam was taking the engine apart. You did that perfectly! The second 50% was for putting it back together. You also did that perfectly!"
"But why did I get the extra 50%?" asks the gyno.
"Well..." says the lecturer, "That's because this is the first time we've ever seen this done entierly through the exhaust port!"0 -
Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world. Seymour said,"Me tink de fasses ting is a thought, because b4 u can tink it, it already thought." Winston said, "Nah man, da fassess ting is a blink, cos b4 you tink 2 blink you dun blink already." Delroy said,"No man, da fassess ting is helectricity becas when you turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on." Leroy says, "Nah man,you is aaaaaaalll wrong man!!! I knows dat for a fact dat de fassess ting in de world most definite is diarrhoea,cos las nite b4 i could tink, blink, or switch on de lite, me **** meself!!!0
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Ok..so it's not a joke..but it's the funniest waxing story I have ever read off the internet...and can so see this happening. Hence why you go to a professional.
WAX is NOT your friend
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!? )
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.
(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!
I'm blind!! Blinded from pain!. OH MY GOD!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!! Another deep breathe and RRIIPP! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...
Do I hear crashing drums?? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich I s now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!
Butt? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG!!
I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.
Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!! RIGHT!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the *kitten* out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color. Not.0 -
True Story
My daughter is 11 and loves going hunting with her dad. My husband was going on a long weekend hunting trip for opening day, with his buddy from work, Kyle.
My daughter and i are driving home, and she starts humming, then turns to me abruptly and says, "Do you think Bubby (her 15 year old brother) would help me hide a body?" i am a little startled and tell her I think he probably would, but it would depend on how much trouble she was in.
"No, trouble. I was thinking if I killed Kyle, then i could go hunting with Daddy."
"Don't you think that's a little extreme?" i asked her.
"Maybe...Okay, so I won't kill him, just hurt him real bad and lock him in a shed or something and then let him out when we get back. Do you think Bubby would help me do that?"
I am trying not to laugh at this point. She then starts humming again, and I recognize the tune from the Disney movie, "Frozen", "Do You want to build a snowman"...then she starts singing..."Will you help me hide a body...it doesn't have to be in one piece..."https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4jPQw5nSIY
Yeah, my kids made certain I saw that one.0 -
That's a pretty cool gif!! :flowerforyou:0 -
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.0 -
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."0
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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean0 -
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you mommy!
Not really as funny as it was heart melting this morning when my daughter told me this joke, but I had to share! Have a wonderful day everyone! :flowerforyou:0 -
Ok..so it's not a joke..but it's the funniest waxing story I have ever read off the internet...and can so see this happening. Hence why you go to a professional.
WAX is NOT your friend
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!? )
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.
(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!
I'm blind!! Blinded from pain!. OH MY GOD!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!! Another deep breathe and RRIIPP! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...
Do I hear crashing drums?? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich I s now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!
Butt? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG!!
I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.
Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!! RIGHT!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the *kitten* out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color. Not.
This is funny, but I was grimacing with every pain you wrote. I'll just stick to shaving, thank you!0 -
I just PMed you junk pics....That always makes the girls laugh.0
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I just PMed you junk pics....That always makes the girls laugh.
:laugh:0 -
I just PMed you junk pics....That always makes the girls laugh.
:laugh:
^^ Exactly.0 -
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder0 -
Me: Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't put you in time out for a year?
Daughter: Because I'm cute.
Me:
Daughter
Me:
Daughter:
Me: OK... You want some ice cream?0 -
How do you tell a boy shark from a girl shark
Give it a fish
If she eats it it is a girl, if he eats it it's a boy0
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