This is a competition...
Replies
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I just PMed you junk pics....That always makes the girls laugh.
:laugh:
^^ Exactly.
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The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”0 -
Do you know what the California state bird is?
Hint it is a cross between a chicken and a turkey.
The cockgobler.0 -
"I don't want to worry you," the little boy said to his teacher, " but last night my dad said that if I didn't get better grades on my next report card, someone was going to get their butt kicked."0
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......0 -
"I don't want to worry you," the little boy said to his teacher, " but last night my dad said that if I didn't get better grades on my next report card, someone was going to get their butt kicked."
Bwahahahahaha! *evilmaniacallaughter*
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I just PMed you junk pics....That always makes the girls laugh.
:laugh:
^^ Exactly.
'cept me. they make me cry.0 -
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”
As a Georgia woman and "secretary," this one amused me.
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what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.0 -
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who
knocn knock
whos there
banan
banana who
knock konck
whos there
orange
orange who
orange you glad i didnt say banana HAAHAHAHHA
That joke STINKS!
Oh wait... maybe that's you.
beat me to it0 -
Ok..so it's not a joke..but it's the funniest waxing story I have ever read off the internet...and can so see this happening. Hence why you go to a professional.
WAX is NOT your friend
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!? )
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.
(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!
I'm blind!! Blinded from pain!. OH MY GOD!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!! Another deep breathe and RRIIPP! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...
Do I hear crashing drums?? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich I s now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!
Butt? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG!!
I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.
Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!! RIGHT!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the *kitten* out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color. Not.
I read this book, it was hilarious!! I think its called Ketchup is a Vegetable and other lies moms tell.0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward
ETA: this joke may only work in a British accent and I don't know if Edward Woodward was well known in the USA either...0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward
ETA: this joke may only work in a British accent and I don't know if Edward Woodward was well known in the USA either...
Wasn't he the original Equalizer?0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
Twins, no arms and no legs, hanging around the window?
Curt and Rod.0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward
ETA: this joke may only work in a British accent and I don't know if Edward Woodward was well known in the USA either...
Wasn't he the original Equalizer?
If the original series was in the 80s then yes (had to google to check that)0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward
ETA: this joke may only work in a British accent and I don't know if Edward Woodward was well known in the USA either...
Wasn't he the original Equalizer?
If the original series was in the 80s then yes (had to google to check that)
we watched that... it was a good show.0 -
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't taste it . . .0 -
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *kitten* and having the balls to say, "You're next."0 -
This fellow dies and goes straight to the pearly gates. "I have one question for you" says St. Peter greeting him. "Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?" "Good heavens" says the man, "not once, not ever". "Well done" says St. Peter, "you get to drive around heaven in a Rolls Royce".
Next man appears at the pearly gates. "Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?" Sadly, the man admits he had, but "only once or twice". "Too bad" says St. Peter, "you get to ride around heaven on a bike".
A few days pass and the man on the bike is cheerfully riding around heaven on his bike when he spots the guy with the Rolls Royce sobbing his heart out. "What on earth is the matter" he asks. "I've just seen my wife" Rolls Royce man replies "and she was on roller skates".0 -
What's green, red, green, red and green?
A frog in a blender.
This post can also double as a smoothie recipe.0 -
what do you call a man with no arms or legs by the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
Twins, no arms and no legs, hanging around the window?
Curt and Rod.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it can't come anyway.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.0 -
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"0
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