He told me to "lose some weight"
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Unbelievable, you definitely deserve better. If I was with you I would be telling you to stay as you are.
Andy0 -
I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. Why make excuses for the guy? After reading this post, I was thinking about, what if I gained 40 pounds in two months because of something I could not control? If my boyfriend just stopped having sex with me I would assume the only reason he fell for me in the first place was my body. What if I had some other condition that seriously affected my physical image? Would that be ok for my boyfriend to say something like that to me. NO. In a relationship, there just has to be more. You should be attracted to somebody beyond what they look like. Yeah, I mean, when you first meet somebody physical image is involved, but shouldn't that transform over time? She weighed under one hundred pounds at 5'5"? Isn't that below the normal BMI for that height? Looking at her pictures, she is very pretty, and clearly this guy is just an *kitten*. However, I do agree that couples can work out together and it is great. My boyfriend and I run together and it is really fun!
The only reason this situation is unique is because of the perception that it was something that OP "couldn't control". But some of the comments are just... kind of naive and ridiculous. I would even say "love" and "physical attraction", while not necessarily mutually exclusive, certainly CAN be.
The idea that if you love someone you MUST be PHYSICALLY attracted to them no matter what, be it weight gain or horrible pirate disfigurement is the stuff of romance novels and has no bearing in reality. If you think about it, and I mean really think about it, you'll know that's the case. You ladies that love your husbands/boyfriends: I'm sure you'll still love them if they gained 50 lbs or 100 lbs or 150 lbs. You fall in love, after all, with the total package. But it makes mockery of us all for you to suggest that you would still be AS attracted to them... the definition, in fact, of "physical attraction" belies that.Unbelievable, you definitely deserve better. If I was with you I would be telling you to stay as you are.
And what does that accomplish? Her boyfriend thinks she needs to lose weight. Whether he's correct or not that's his opinion... and frankly, there's no easy or hurtless way to broach that topic. The consequence of that however is that millions (and I'm tossing out numbers here) of relationships end up going down the road I just described above: the physical attraction disappears as couples "settle" into themselves, let themselves go after marriage, etc., and then wonder what happened... and mostly because people are embarrassed or ashamed or afraid to admit that part of what makes a relationship work IS the physical attraction.0 -
Im 5foot4, 135 pounds. My goal is 120. But I dont care if Im 135 if Im healthy, tone, in shape, strong, etc. Sorry about the boyfriend.
You look very tiny to me in your pic!
I echo this! In your picture you look great! From what I remember, when I was 23 my metabolism was just about stabilising out and the puppy fat had gone. Take advantage of your youth and get working out. The pounds will absolutely drop off if you are disciplined about it. In my opinion you do not look like you need to lose weight so if you want to tone up you can even do this at home with the help of some dumb-bells and ankle and wrist weights. You should see your confidence rocket once you see results.
I had a baby four months ago and my confidence was at rock bottom seeing my body afterwards. Now I hve lost 29lbs I can feel my confidence coming back.
As for the boyfriend...GET RID OF HIM! Everyone deserves someone who will adore them and it doesn't sound like this guy knows how lucky he is.0 -
Maybe what you need to lose is that dead-weight "friend"!
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Just seen this post.
Oh my god.! You look bloody lovely. If I were around your age I'd be delighted to have you by my side.
Your BF is just young by the sounds of it - hes obviously not clued up in what you say to girl to make her feel good, or help her. As a guy you only learn this through experience or listening to people who know better lol!
You have to do things for yourself - bottom line. If it takes a little inspiration from others as well then fine, but it needs to be positive inspiration.
I havent read all the posts in the topic, but just stay focussed and use people on here - theres some great folks with plenty experience, knowledge and support.
all the very best,
Marky0 -
No offense but love should know no bounds.... I weigh 230 lbs at a height of 4'11" my husband is a twig and very good looking and loves me no matter what weight I am. He was very superficial before he met me but apparently I changed him. That's my whole point sweetie you look WONDERFUL and i'm sure there are 100's of thousands of men who would leap at the chance to be with a beautiful girl such as yourself. Your boy is too superficial and personally I would get rid of him. You are at a healthy weight and BMI and you look great SO don't let him bring you down!!! You're beautiful!
Off topic side-bar, OMG you look like Snookie! (your second profile pic is spot on, lol!)
To the op, at your weight you need to tone and build muscle rather than loose mass. If you are 5'5 and 129 you don't have more than 5 or so lbs to lose so work on cardio + weight training.
Ps: sorry about the loser BF.0 -
OP, sorry to hear your boyfriend put his wishes in such a hurtful way. It's never easy to hear something like that, especially when it's put so bluntly and crudely. Sounds like a bit of an *kitten*, or he may just be really bad at expressing his needs.
I guess now it's my turn to be blunt. To everyone who says "he should lust after you unconditionally:" I'm not sure what planet you guys are living on. Any long-term relationship definitely has its ups and downs, and while love is 'unconditional,' lust certainly is not. Your mates appearance has a huge influence on your sexual attraction to them. Whether it's excess weight or just general sloppiness, it's possible to lose your attraction to someone while still being in love with them. That doesn't mean it won't come back, and that doesn't mean it's always justified, but lust does ebb and flow. I'd certainly be less attracted to my wife if she put on 50+ lbs, wore sweat pants, and stopped 'trying.' That's not me being a bad husband, that's me being an honest human-being. I'd expect her to have the same reaction if I let myself go.
Maybe your partner has an unrealistic expectation or has generally lost interest, those are factors outside of your control. But if his complaint is legitimate (and that's for you to decide... it's hard to be unbiased when he said it in such an *kitten* way!) it's good to listen and try to figure out where the problem is if you're interested in your relationships sexual health and 'spark.'
To me, and by viewing your picture, it seems he may be having other issues... you certainly don't look out of shape to me, and if he's exploiting your body issues you deserve so, SO, much better. In any case, he needs to work on being a better communicator and not saying hurtful things.0 -
Teemo. Your question to me is quite ridiculous. I am merely saying that if my other half looked pretty much the same (she does) as the original poster then she's looks fine as she is. She looks slim, healthy and if her boyfriend favours a different size lady she has to decide if he is worth it or she needs to find some one better.
My opinion.0 -
All who reply: Don't say sorry. You're not sorry, it sounds like you don't believe what you're saying. Own up to it or don't say it.
OP: If he says "lose some weight" he's 1) not really thinking about it, 2) not interested anymore but wanted to have an excuse, or 3) has control issues that he's imposing on you.
If:
1) he's dumb. We all are at times, but that doesn't mean we have to put up with it. Tell him he hurt your feelings and if he doesn't apologize or otherwise make up for it tell him that you're worth more than what the scale says and dump his sorry butt.
2) he's a coward, OR is probably up to something. Confront him - or else you'll be driven crazy by what you don't know
3) Get out. Seriously, that is a one way street to misery - with potential for long term damage.
There is a 4th option. You want to lose the weight for yourself, and he inspired you and will support you. If you think long and hard about it, sometimes it takes months to figure out, and you come to that conclusion then go for it. Be smart and be healthy.0 -
hmm, I started dating my extremely sexy boyfriend when i weighed 180, next thing i know it, i weigh 230....
NEVER has he EVER said anything along the lines of weight gain, exept maybe that he loves how big my boobs got. lol
I don't know what i would do if he told me i needed to lose some weight, probably crawl under a rock.. : ( but just so you know..
i'd kill someone close to me to look like you. lol.
Have fun getting toned. FOR YOU : )
i do think you should think about your relationship a little.... Because if things are different, and not in a good way.. Something should be done.0 -
Although he possibly could have said it a different way, why is it at all wrong for him to express his feelings. You got your answer for the disinterest. The only person responsible for your self-esteem is you. You say you've struggled with self image so maybe addressing your mental health should be on your "to do" list also. Your, what I would call an overreaction, and the hurt you feel because of it, lies in issues you could address in therapy.
Not trying to be mean but the BF really did nothing wrong.0 -
All who reply: Don't say sorry. You're not sorry, it sounds like you don't believe what you're saying. Own up to it or don't say it.
OP: If he says "lose some weight" he's 1) not really thinking about it, 2) not interested anymore but wanted to have an excuse, or 3) has control issues that he's imposing on you.
If:
1) he's dumb. We all are at times, but that doesn't mean we have to put up with it. Tell him he hurt your feelings and if he doesn't apologize or otherwise make up for it tell him that you're worth more than what the scale says and dump his sorry butt.
2) he's a coward, OR is probably up to something. Confront him - or else you'll be driven crazy by what you don't know
3) Get out. Seriously, that is a one way street to misery - with potential for long term damage.
There is a 4th option. You want to lose the weight for yourself, and he inspired you and will support you. If you think long and hard about it, sometimes it takes months to figure out, and you come to that conclusion then go for it. Be smart and be healthy.
I'm sad that admitting the lack of or loss of physical attraction is apparently a horrendous crime tantamount to infidelity. I'm disappointed that people think being in love means ignoring that loss... and then wondering why (and being hurt when) your significant other is glancing at that fit, young, stewardess or that burly fireman. I'm insulted that you would label the OP's boyfriend an idiot (i.e., "dumb") or a coward for thinking she needs to lose weight.
But I'm not sorry. :bigsmile:
Look: I think OP looks fine based on her displayed picture. But I'm not her boyfriend and I wasn't there when they first met so I have no idea what his expectations are. And when it comes to weight loss/gain that's not health-related it's really an individual call... there's no right or wrong answer. There is a harmful -mindset- however, and that is the mindset that "If I gain weight (or lose weight) and he or she becomes less attracted to me then they must not love me".
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On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction.
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Last word: We're all here to make positive changes in our lives. Most of us are here for health reasons, some of us are here for competitive sports and athletics and some of us are here simply because we want to look good on the beach this summer. (Or in that European style manthong!) Whatever the reason though, ultimately the motivation for doing so MUST come from yourself. You're the only one who won't let yourself down and while the initial incentive for change may come from outside, the desire to keep on should be from within.0 -
On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction.
The answer is going to be different for everyone, but flat out telling someone who is already insecure because of waning interest to "lose some weight" is not the right answer. He could have tried sitting her down at some point and said, "Hey, I know things have been hard, but to be honest, my physical attraction to you has taken a hit since you've gained 40lbs. I still love you and want to work on it with you, but you really look different than the woman I feel in love with. Is there anything I can do to help you get in shape?"
He should be supportive but make his needs known. "Lose some weight fatty" is not the right way to handle it if you care about your partner. It's sad that you think anything you say is going to be either ineffective or hurtful... you may want to work on your conflict handling if those are the only two outcomes you're getting consistently. This isn't meant to be a personal attack, I'm just staying from experience there is another way. It takes a lot of time and work to figure out how to be open, honest, and compassionate about needs in a long-term relationship, and it needs to be a two-way street. You can be there for your partner while making your needs known... whether they respond or not determines how far your relationship is going to go.0 -
He didn't say "fatty." She asked what the issue was, and he said, "I don't know, lose some weight." Not the gentlest way to put it, but let's not put words in his mouth.
This is the way I see it: I don't think she needs to lose weight. I think someone who's in love is not going to be so flippant about weight gain, especially when that gain has brought the partner UP to a healthy weight. I think he's young and insensitive. Everyone has been that way at some point. But I think the OP needs to figure out for herself whether it's a healthy relationship. Me? I wouldn't want to be with someone who is so flippant about something that personal to me. But that's me.0 -
He didn't say "fatty."
I'm aware of that. Just thew it in for emphasis on what people 'hear' when things are put so bluntly and poorly. It was to match the attitude that the OP perceived, not literal word-for-word transcription. 0 -
Well, maybe it is immaturity. You can only hope that he won't always feel that way. The fact that he's not attracted to her for gaining weight (she's still not overweight) when she was underweight to begin with, is concerning. A person can love you and not be attracted to you physically. The fact is we all gain weight and get wrinkled skin. Men can get a beer gut and lose their hair. If you're talking about the long haul, you have to be with someone who will still hold you and make love with you even as your body changes. You don't need someone telling you to get a facelift, or a tummy tuck, or a hair transplant as time changes your looks.0
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He should be supportive but make his needs known. "Lose some weight fatty" is not the right way to handle it if you care about your partner. It's sad that you think anything you say is going to be either ineffective or hurtful... you may want to work on your conflict handling if those are the only two outcomes you're getting consistently. This isn't meant to be a personal attack, I'm just staying from experience there is another way. It takes a lot of time and work to figure out how to be open, honest, and compassionate about needs in a long-term relationship, and it needs to be a two-way street. You can be there for your partner while making your needs known... whether they respond or not determines how far your relationship is going to go.
Appreciate the response, and no worries, I don't (and didn't) take it personally.
It was more a collection of past experiences, both mine and others. Just look at the number of responses in this thread alone that say, essentially, "If he wants you to lose weight he must not love you" or "if he wants you to lose weight he must be a jerk". Look at the number of threads on this forum asking why everyone says "you look fine" or "why are you starving yourself" when YOU know that you need to lose weight for health reasons. Look at the number of threads in countless forums with variations on this same topic: "How can I get my husband off the couch?", "I think my s/o is withholding sex because he's not attracted to me anymore", "my s/o told me I was getting fat", and so on.
The responses are predictable. "You're beautiful the way you are", "the [person who said] it is wrong", "true love is unconditional". It's nice and comforting and supportive -- all which is well and good -- but it doesn't seem to be realistic or helpful. Hell, just think back to how most of us started on our journeys: we needed a honest slap in the face, however hurtful, and not someone mincing words because they didn't want to hurt our feelings. If we listened to what our parents and loved ones TOLD us -- and not what they truly THOUGHT or made known to us -- many of us would still be where we were.
[Actually, I take back what I said in an earlier post. I am sorry to OP for derailing this thread somewhat and I recognize her's is a unique case because (a) she is within a healthy weight/fat range, (b) she LOOKS fine, and (c) her weight gain wasn't entirely voluntary.]0 -
I completely understand Teemo. My wife lost ~75 lbs after we got together because I let her know I was worried about her health and I wanted us to have a nice, long life together. As a result she looks amazing and her confidence has gone through the roof, I'm happy that I was able to be there for her to do it! One of the biggest things I could do for her was support her, help cook meals, etc. However, the most important thing I did was stay honest.
This turned out to be more important than even I knew, because the weight-loss communities she tried did exactly what you're warning about. A lot of the people were simply enabling, coddling, etc. Members of her in-person weight management group would show up simply so they could say "they tried" to go get a sign-off for a gastric bypass. They had no problems about admitting this. Talk about a motivation killer! After a point, I really do believe the excuses for weight and fitness become toxic. I do see a lot of it on these boards and usually just avoid those topics... but it's hard not to get angry at reinforcing negative behaviors or excuses when you or someone you know worked HARD for those results that people are expecting to come easily.
All that said, like you, I think the OP's situation is a bit different. I wish you the best with whatever you choose to do OP, and I won't post anymore derails in this thread. Good luck!
Ps. Temmo - Your profile pic is ripped dude. Way to go!0 -
You already know, or should already know, that your boyfriend is a vain jack@$$. Seriously? I don't understand why women put up with BOYS who disrepect them! If he cheated on you, and told you he did it cause you were "overweight" would that make it ok? If he said your hair was ugly, and he's into the color purple this week, would you dye it purple?? The scary truth, I bet you and a lot of girls like you, would. It saddens me. Find your confidence and stand up! If he is looking for a Barbie tell him to go buy one. And if he better be jaw dropping gorgeous, with absolutely no flaws, and the perfect PACKAGE to make comments like that! Unreal.
UGH
BTW- 30 Day Shred will help you lose inches and tone, if you want to do it for YOU.0 -
I predict that you can lose whatever weight you're aiming for, and this BF of yours may be solicitous toward you for sex and affection if he is focused on skinny vs 'fat' being sexy, period and you will STILL be feeling badly about yourself. For several reasons.
You don't even have to have dysmorphia to feel that deep seated insecurity in your looks regarding your BF - you just have, probably, self esteem issues. When I was your age (I'm an 35 now) I weighed 120 lbs and I'm 5' 8". I walked around disliking my appearance. Men hit on me all of the time. Did that prove to my inane self esteem that I was worthy? Absolutely not- I thought I was an imposter and I felt that I wasn't worthy of that attention.
It's all internal. You might feel superficially better once you've lost weight but I sense that there are other issues underneath that need to be tended to for you to actually feel better emotionally.
Just my two cents.0
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