Thinking of Divorce...Any Advice??

k8smama

I didn't really know where to put this question, I guess support is probably the best place. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married the last two, and are considering divorce. We both agree that we love each other tremendously, but that we just don't like the other. He spent the last year battling cancer and it was a very hard time for our family. Now that he's better, it seems like we are different people than we were before. We don't communicate, he won't help around the house, he refuses to give the kids chores, or enforce them if I assign chores, to help me (his bio--9, my bio--4), we don't have fun anymore, we fight constantly--about everything, if I tell the kids not to do something, he says that I'm being "mean" to them, he has no motivation to do anything, our finances are a wreck but if I bring up spending he flips out, we just seem to be two families sharing a house instead of one unit. I'm not saying that he's the only one at fault, I know that there are things that I've done wrong and that he probably has a list of complaints about me. We were going to see a marriage counsellor tomorrow, but the office just called to reschedule due to a death in the family. I just wonder how do you know when it's too late to fix the issues, when it's time to say we've done what we can, but it's too little too late? What finally made you decide to divorce, or how did you fix the issues that you had/have?

Melisha82

Have you tried any sort of counseling? Honestly, I would try every last thing before I chose divorce. I've never been in your situation and it makes me sad that you're going through that

Monicamarkt

I'm sorry to hear this. Divorce is never fun, even if it's agreed upon by both. Perhaps your husband has a different outlook on life and the little things (like chores) after surviving cancer. I would ask him what his point of view on life is and what he wants out of it and where he sees it going. If you both WANT to work on the marriage of course it can be salvaged. It's important to have a friendship with each other too. Sometimes when we are stressed (and don't even know it) it's easiest to take it out on the people we love the most. It's not right but it happens.
Anyway, good luck with whatever road you both decide to take.

Luckymam

Try counselling. Even if hubby won't go, you can go alone and they can give you advice xxx

lalacarter

After 26+ years of marriage, my divorce was final this week. My advice: if you can save your marriage, please do everything you can to do so. Make sure you attend the counseling sessions - together. Divorce is very painful. If the marriage cannot be salvaged, please seek support from your church, family, and friends. You'll need it! Most importantly, take good care of yourself.

RaeN81

I'm no expert...but it sounds like something worth fighting for since you both love each other. Putting that love into action will take time, patience, forgiveness and plenty of energy. It is not too late if you are prepared to put the work in.

poisongirl6485

Definitely see a certified counselor before doing anything else. If the love is still there, there is potential to work out everything else. Communication is key.

luv2ash

You definitely need to see a counselor to help you through the issues. You say you both love each other---thats enough to know that the issues can be fixed, its just gonna take a bit of convincing. Don't give up yet.

nakiad

I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

Take care-
Nakia

aneajo

Don't make any choices until you see the counselor.

brittlynne3579

First of all, my apologies for your troubles. I have never been married, but I've been in two 5 year relationships and 2 other relationships that ended with a result of fighting, cheating and lying on the man's part. I don't think we can offer you advice. What I can say is something my mom told me with every man I dated.

You deserve to be happy. It takes work, and it might not be all the time, but happiness should be present. If you're not, then when you've had enough, you'll know.

And everytime I did. Good luck!

bethvandenberg

Sounds like you've been through a lot.

I truly believe that if you want to divorce your husband you'd know for a fact that you were done. I think something happens and you look at that person and know right then and there that that is that. I can't do this anymore and you figure out what you're going to do next.

Maybe since you are seeing a counselor you'll figure out a way to move forward. Maybe you two are just really disconnected.

I think by the statements that you've said (typed) you're not quite there, but it's not to early to start thinking exit strategy.

Good luck with whatever happens.

Carissa83

Hey sweetie, tough topic. Here's my opinion coming from a happy single woman with two kids. I think love is a choice, not just a feeling. You both took vows for better or worse and no doubt the last year has been really tough. You are working on yourself right now and that's awesome!!! You don't have to make a decision right now. The only person you can change is yourself. I say keep working on yourself, try the marriage counseling and most importantly go to individual counseling. Take care!

kmm7309

My husband and I split up about 2 years ago for a year, and it was the best thing we've ever done. When we both came back to each other, we were more appreciative, communicated more, and respected each other more. We both grew up a lot apart. Before we split, I was emotionally controlling, abusive, and in denial, and he didn't know how to handle me as an adult so he started sleeping with my best friend.

I think the hardest part of us reconnecting is trusting him again- other than that, he's practically perfect. If you don't have to worry about the trust, take some time apart, it will probably help.

kimmerroze

k8smama, I feel for you girl! that is such a hard decision to make, and soooo full of unsurity. You have to go back 3 generations in my family before you find a marriage that worked with no divorce.

I am unexperienced in this situation as I have never been divorced, but what I can say is this. Your marriage will work if both sides are willing to work at it. When it hits the point when one side refuses to work at it anymore, then that is when there will be no progress and things will stay as they are.

If your husband's cancer is in remission, I want to congratulate him and you for sticking through that, that had to have been tough, and its a shame that you guys didn't grow stronger because of it.

My advice would be to work through this, until cooperation and willingness to work at it fails, you never know, this may be a time in ten years that you tell your children when they are getting married, "hey Marriage is HARD and you will have to work at it, you will fight, and you will find that there will be times that you don't like eachother. but me and your father didn't give up, and look where we are now."

Try getting to know eachother again, start going on dates, and start doing sweet things for a while. in my mothers words, "fake it until you don't have to fake it anymore."

I am sorry you are facing such a decision as this, and I hope you find a decision that makes you happy.

staceymrod

Don't give up until you have tried Retrouvaille. Its never too late. Marriage is forever. Its just a matter of learning and re-learning each other over and over again. I have been where you are (4 times), separated twice. Nothing ever helped until we stumbled upon Retrouvaille. We will be married 13 years on Tuesday. Its a rough road, but don't give up. Prayer conquers ALL. And remember the devil does not want marriages to last. Trust that God will carry you both and that HIS will be done. Hope this helps. God Bless

writer4him

Like just about everyone else has said - get counseling. Divorce is your worst option. If you need help finding a counselor in your area, you can try this website - www.nanc.org. I am a certified counselor through this organization and we offer marriage counseling for free.

btrflyflutter

After 14 yrs ...I knew when I could no longer look at him without feeling tons of resentment. My kids were not seeing a loving couple and I decided being divorced although it was the harder route would be better than raising my kids in a weird atmosphere were they would not learn how a man and woman should treat each other.

11 yrs later....it was the right decision for me Thank goodness!

spacecase76

You almost sound like me, but, I am too "easy" on the kids, my husband barely works, but heaven forbid I suggest that he needs to look for a real job where he can get some hours. Thank god I work, or we'd starve to death. We have been together almost 8 years, married for just over 6. I have an 11 year old and we have a 3 year old together. I am biding my time. We have done counseling. I really think that it *can* work, but, you have to put real effort into it...and, well, he wouldn't. I can't "fix" my marriage on my own. I am the main bread-winner in the house, full time student, and, I am having to pick the kids up, cook, clean, everything falls to me because he sits on his *kitten* in front of a video game all day. (and for the record, I still manage to find an hour + to work out every day!) It has built a lot of resentment. I will be surprised if we make it through the summer. Seriously. We are talking about moving to another state, and that is the only reason we are still together. I have absolutely no family, no support here, and once we move and I have that, he is gone.

Give counseling a chance...a REAL chance...don't have it set in your mind that it is over. Good Luck!

jsecret

It sounds like you two just need to sit down one on one and discuss it. Are you both really happy? Can you both imagine continuing to live the rest of your lives this way? How is the constant fighting and lack of stability affecting the kids? Where do you go from here?

Make sure you don't put the blame on either of you. Sometimes people do just grow apart and what he went through was life changing... for HIM. That doesn't mean you're willing to turn your entire world upside down as well. Regardless of all else there comes a time when you need to do what's best for you and your child. It doesn't sound like this is a healthy environment for anyone involved and though you may not want to rush right into a divorce a short seperation might be a good way to see how you really feel.

rosnnj

I like KMM7309 advice. I have had marital problems before and I was glad I stuck it out. It was like being in a storm, it feels long and drawn out when you are in it. Counseling didn't help us but taking a step back and not dealing with each other did for a while. Once we got back together I remembered that those vows said good or bad and that I have to accept him for who he is. This is who I married and people change. If we divorce because of changes no one would stay married.

janalayn

I have been divorced for 18 years - not by my choice but his. I was devastated at the time but looking back it was for the best for me and my kids. With kids involved I wouldn't recommend rushing into a decision BUT if you really can't work out things, especially communication and finances, then I wouldn't continue to punish myself with something that isn't working. Just be sure about what you want. Dealing with a serious illness puts a strain on the individuals as well as the relationship. And I think counseling is great, even if you don't work things out, hopefully you can at least be amicable after the split. Life is short - too short to be unhappy.

mumma2boyz

I have been divorced for almost 4 years. I have 2 little boys ages 8 & 9. It took me years to decide if it was the right decision. Many tears and compromises later, we both decided it was best to split. We have been excellent co-parents ever since. The kids are very happy, healthy, and thriving.

I started dating shortly after the split and have been with a great man for 3.5 years. We have lived together for 2 years. Last summer, I thought we were over with. Your description of the home environment sounded just like mine. We were broke, kids fighting all the time, didn't enjoy eachother's company, etc. Today, we are better than ever. Sometimes the stresses of life get in the way and it sounds like the both of you have been through alot. You are absolutely right that both of you changed through your unfortunate illness and it is possible that maybe you or your husband have a bit of depression from the ordeal. As long as the relationship is not abusive and the children are in a healthy environment, I highly recommend exhausting all efforts before making any decisions. If both of you make a conscious effort to work WITH eachother, rather than against eachother, you may find things turn around. Go out of your way to be romantic (write messages on the bathroom mirror, leave notes in his car or coat pocket, send him little emails through the day to let him know you are thinking of him). I have also learned through my relationships that men correlate intimacy wtih closeness. If you are not being intimate, he is not feeling loved. It's a man thing. Sometimes you have to fake until you make it. Most men find that aspect of the relationship extremely important.

I wish you the best of luck. Like I said, if this relationship is not physically or emotionally abusive, I would do everythign in your power to keep your family together. Remember your vows: through better or worse. 50 year relationships have ups and downs. You hit a rut and I'm sure you'll come out of it closer than ever. Don't give up!

PaulaDygert

My hubby and I have been together 10 years married 6... Divorce has come up a few times and has been so close I was just waiting for the office to open up on Monday. Our marriage has withstood a lot, from the little annoyances that build up to fights to affairs. We have gone through seasons where we didn't like each other but still loved each other. It takes 2 to make marriage work but I now believe marriage is worth fighting for. My advice would be to see that marriage councilor before you actually file. We have been in marriage counseling almost our whole marriage and have very supportive friends that will tell us out of love when we are messing up. I have learned it makes a huge difference where and who I go to for support. I don't know you or your whole story, sounds like you are in a rough place right now but please know that there is hope. You can message me if you want to know a little more of my story.

museonlife

Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

christinad95

I'm very sorry all of this is going on in your family right now. Truthfully, there is always time to save a marriage. It sounds to me like your husbands battle with cancer took it's toll on more than his body, but his mind too. Alot of what you are describing is common in cancer survivors because they have a different outlook on life now that they have survived. Unfortunately, it's a great outlook, but sometimes carried out in destructive patterns such as what you are describing. Marriage counseling is definately reccommended but I also suggest a counselor that can focus on the medical journey your family took and how to cope with the feelings he's having in a healthy way. Another suggestion, there's a book called the Love Dare, honestly, get it and do it, both of you. I have recommended it to many couples having troubles and trust me, it works. Even when you don't realize it's working. You will not be sorry.
All my best to you and your family.

Clew

I agree with many of these others - do what you can to save the marriage if it is salvageable. Adultery and abuse unforgivable offenses in my book (I suffered both in my first marriage - I took the abuse for a while but not the adultery), but otherwise, do what you can. It does take the effort of two though. Good luck, sweets. xo

Mrs_McFadden

I wouldn't wish marital troubles on my worst enemy, so my sympathies!
My husband have been together for 18 years and have definitely been through hell and back like a frightening roller coaster. The only thing I can say regarding how to know when to stay vs leave- I knew, always, that I loved him and love him. If things were complete deal breakers like abuse for example, that's a different story. It seems to me like your relationship has just disintegrated under the pressures of life. I agree with others that counseling can and should help but you both have to want it to work. If you're throwing around the D word that has to kind of stop. You two need to take a breath and back away from Divorce and make some renegotiations first.
If you've made an honest and worthy effort of fixing things (and only you can say what that would be) and it isn't panning out..you know your answer.
Good luck

muth3rluvx2

Honestly, it sounds like he's suffering some emotional trauma - probably depression - from his experience with cancer. If he's not enforcing rules, over spending, being irresponsible, I'm betting he's trying to come to grips with his mortality and wanting to live life to "the fullest" but not knowing how to do that in a healthy and positive way. He doesn't want his life fraught with stress and negativity - and I'm not saying it is - I'm saying that could be his perceptions.

As for you, it sounds like maybe there's not enough listening going on. I don't mean that maybe you're not listening to the words but maybe you're not really hearing everything that's going on behind the face of them. Not uncommon after a difficult and life altering experience.

Overally, I think counseling is a great start and what has to be learned is a new level of communication and understanding. You both have your perceptions of reality as your husband fought his battle with cancer. That's a very scary experience and it's going to cause stress and fear. You two have a new reality now and you have to navigate through each others perceptions to reach a mutual understanding of one another, your relationship and your expectations. All of that has changed and neither of you saw it coming. Which is totally understandable.

I don't think you have to call it quits but I do think it'll take some pretty serious work on both your parts to fix things; indepdendently and together. If you're both willing to put in the work, then you will probably be okay - if not wonderful. But that will take time and how much time is unknown. Marriage - relationships - are NOT easy. My *personal* opinion is that you guys got married, never knowing what the future might bring. You have your kids involved wtih each other and there's a reason you got married to begin with. Obviously, this wasn't a young blush wedding. I would hope that the vows you took were genuine; which means just because the road gets rocky, that doesn't mean you stop walking.

I do wish you both the best and hope you find that mutual ground again. If you love each other, there's a reason and something to work for.

kerriBB37

What would make you happy at the end of the day? Maybe this makes me sound like a *****, but life is too short to be unhappy. Do what makes you happy! I'd prefer to not air out all my past on a forum thread, but I dated a guy for 3 years, was engaged for 1 and married for 4 months then I asked for a divorce. He put up no fight and we haven't spoken since. It all seems like a bad dream. I can't imagine where my life would be if I was stuck in that miserable relationship. Everyone feels sorry for him, ehh whatever they didn't live in our house! You never know what is around the corner for you. Feel free to message me if you'd like.

Jessica_Lo

Hmmm this is a touchy issue because it's different for everyone. For me...it was the same. We were completely different people sharing a house and the bills. Which seemed easier than doing it on my own so the time just flew by without us really acknowledging it. The breaking point for me was when it became unhealthy for the kids, which in hindsight a loveless marriage IS unhealthy but it was the fighting that did it for me. With every fight we both crossed the line a little more at a time in the respect area. Not that we fought everyday because we were pretty good at ignoring eachother but when we did, it was not pretty. I got to the point that enough was enough and there was one particular fight that did that for me which I won't give you the details of. At the time I broke it off knowing I was ok with spending the rest of my life with me and my boys and that was it. I did not want to be committed to another man. It wasn't worth it. I can tell you as scary as it was to make the decision.....how was I going to raise 2 boys by myself? Well let me tell you...one load of laundry less...one dish less....one pair of shoes less to pick up.....it ended up being so worth having to take the garbage out on my own. Cause that was the only thing he did do. lol Now looking back OMG my only thought is why did I wait? Life is too short and I'm a believer (because my mom told me so) that you should trust your gut. Is your gut saying this is the man for you? For me, it never did. It was just easier to be with him than with out. Trust your instincts. I'm a big believer in fighting for your family so don't get me wrong. But we were wrong for eachother and now we are both MUCH happier. As much as I said I didn't want to I met the man of my dreams 2 years ago and am ridiculously in love and happy. My kids see what love looks like now and our house is full of laughter and not screaming.

Do some soul searching and do what's right for you and most importantly for the kids. Only you know that. No one elses story can convince you of it.

Good luck and best wishes.