Thinking of Divorce...Any Advice??

janalayn

I have been divorced for 18 years - not by my choice but his. I was devastated at the time but looking back it was for the best for me and my kids. With kids involved I wouldn't recommend rushing into a decision BUT if you really can't work out things, especially communication and finances, then I wouldn't continue to punish myself with something that isn't working. Just be sure about what you want. Dealing with a serious illness puts a strain on the individuals as well as the relationship. And I think counseling is great, even if you don't work things out, hopefully you can at least be amicable after the split. Life is short - too short to be unhappy.

mumma2boyz

I have been divorced for almost 4 years. I have 2 little boys ages 8 & 9. It took me years to decide if it was the right decision. Many tears and compromises later, we both decided it was best to split. We have been excellent co-parents ever since. The kids are very happy, healthy, and thriving.

I started dating shortly after the split and have been with a great man for 3.5 years. We have lived together for 2 years. Last summer, I thought we were over with. Your description of the home environment sounded just like mine. We were broke, kids fighting all the time, didn't enjoy eachother's company, etc. Today, we are better than ever. Sometimes the stresses of life get in the way and it sounds like the both of you have been through alot. You are absolutely right that both of you changed through your unfortunate illness and it is possible that maybe you or your husband have a bit of depression from the ordeal. As long as the relationship is not abusive and the children are in a healthy environment, I highly recommend exhausting all efforts before making any decisions. If both of you make a conscious effort to work WITH eachother, rather than against eachother, you may find things turn around. Go out of your way to be romantic (write messages on the bathroom mirror, leave notes in his car or coat pocket, send him little emails through the day to let him know you are thinking of him). I have also learned through my relationships that men correlate intimacy wtih closeness. If you are not being intimate, he is not feeling loved. It's a man thing. Sometimes you have to fake until you make it. Most men find that aspect of the relationship extremely important.

I wish you the best of luck. Like I said, if this relationship is not physically or emotionally abusive, I would do everythign in your power to keep your family together. Remember your vows: through better or worse. 50 year relationships have ups and downs. You hit a rut and I'm sure you'll come out of it closer than ever. Don't give up!

PaulaDygert

My hubby and I have been together 10 years married 6... Divorce has come up a few times and has been so close I was just waiting for the office to open up on Monday. Our marriage has withstood a lot, from the little annoyances that build up to fights to affairs. We have gone through seasons where we didn't like each other but still loved each other. It takes 2 to make marriage work but I now believe marriage is worth fighting for. My advice would be to see that marriage councilor before you actually file. We have been in marriage counseling almost our whole marriage and have very supportive friends that will tell us out of love when we are messing up. I have learned it makes a huge difference where and who I go to for support. I don't know you or your whole story, sounds like you are in a rough place right now but please know that there is hope. You can message me if you want to know a little more of my story.

museonlife

Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

christinad95

I'm very sorry all of this is going on in your family right now. Truthfully, there is always time to save a marriage. It sounds to me like your husbands battle with cancer took it's toll on more than his body, but his mind too. Alot of what you are describing is common in cancer survivors because they have a different outlook on life now that they have survived. Unfortunately, it's a great outlook, but sometimes carried out in destructive patterns such as what you are describing. Marriage counseling is definately reccommended but I also suggest a counselor that can focus on the medical journey your family took and how to cope with the feelings he's having in a healthy way. Another suggestion, there's a book called the Love Dare, honestly, get it and do it, both of you. I have recommended it to many couples having troubles and trust me, it works. Even when you don't realize it's working. You will not be sorry.
All my best to you and your family.

Clew

I agree with many of these others - do what you can to save the marriage if it is salvageable. Adultery and abuse unforgivable offenses in my book (I suffered both in my first marriage - I took the abuse for a while but not the adultery), but otherwise, do what you can. It does take the effort of two though. Good luck, sweets. xo

Mrs_McFadden

I wouldn't wish marital troubles on my worst enemy, so my sympathies!
My husband have been together for 18 years and have definitely been through hell and back like a frightening roller coaster. The only thing I can say regarding how to know when to stay vs leave- I knew, always, that I loved him and love him. If things were complete deal breakers like abuse for example, that's a different story. It seems to me like your relationship has just disintegrated under the pressures of life. I agree with others that counseling can and should help but you both have to want it to work. If you're throwing around the D word that has to kind of stop. You two need to take a breath and back away from Divorce and make some renegotiations first.
If you've made an honest and worthy effort of fixing things (and only you can say what that would be) and it isn't panning out..you know your answer.
Good luck

muth3rluvx2

Honestly, it sounds like he's suffering some emotional trauma - probably depression - from his experience with cancer. If he's not enforcing rules, over spending, being irresponsible, I'm betting he's trying to come to grips with his mortality and wanting to live life to "the fullest" but not knowing how to do that in a healthy and positive way. He doesn't want his life fraught with stress and negativity - and I'm not saying it is - I'm saying that could be his perceptions.

As for you, it sounds like maybe there's not enough listening going on. I don't mean that maybe you're not listening to the words but maybe you're not really hearing everything that's going on behind the face of them. Not uncommon after a difficult and life altering experience.

Overally, I think counseling is a great start and what has to be learned is a new level of communication and understanding. You both have your perceptions of reality as your husband fought his battle with cancer. That's a very scary experience and it's going to cause stress and fear. You two have a new reality now and you have to navigate through each others perceptions to reach a mutual understanding of one another, your relationship and your expectations. All of that has changed and neither of you saw it coming. Which is totally understandable.

I don't think you have to call it quits but I do think it'll take some pretty serious work on both your parts to fix things; indepdendently and together. If you're both willing to put in the work, then you will probably be okay - if not wonderful. But that will take time and how much time is unknown. Marriage - relationships - are NOT easy. My *personal* opinion is that you guys got married, never knowing what the future might bring. You have your kids involved wtih each other and there's a reason you got married to begin with. Obviously, this wasn't a young blush wedding. I would hope that the vows you took were genuine; which means just because the road gets rocky, that doesn't mean you stop walking.

I do wish you both the best and hope you find that mutual ground again. If you love each other, there's a reason and something to work for.

kerriBB37

What would make you happy at the end of the day? Maybe this makes me sound like a *****, but life is too short to be unhappy. Do what makes you happy! I'd prefer to not air out all my past on a forum thread, but I dated a guy for 3 years, was engaged for 1 and married for 4 months then I asked for a divorce. He put up no fight and we haven't spoken since. It all seems like a bad dream. I can't imagine where my life would be if I was stuck in that miserable relationship. Everyone feels sorry for him, ehh whatever they didn't live in our house! You never know what is around the corner for you. Feel free to message me if you'd like.

Jessica_Lo

Hmmm this is a touchy issue because it's different for everyone. For me...it was the same. We were completely different people sharing a house and the bills. Which seemed easier than doing it on my own so the time just flew by without us really acknowledging it. The breaking point for me was when it became unhealthy for the kids, which in hindsight a loveless marriage IS unhealthy but it was the fighting that did it for me. With every fight we both crossed the line a little more at a time in the respect area. Not that we fought everyday because we were pretty good at ignoring eachother but when we did, it was not pretty. I got to the point that enough was enough and there was one particular fight that did that for me which I won't give you the details of. At the time I broke it off knowing I was ok with spending the rest of my life with me and my boys and that was it. I did not want to be committed to another man. It wasn't worth it. I can tell you as scary as it was to make the decision.....how was I going to raise 2 boys by myself? Well let me tell you...one load of laundry less...one dish less....one pair of shoes less to pick up.....it ended up being so worth having to take the garbage out on my own. Cause that was the only thing he did do. lol Now looking back OMG my only thought is why did I wait? Life is too short and I'm a believer (because my mom told me so) that you should trust your gut. Is your gut saying this is the man for you? For me, it never did. It was just easier to be with him than with out. Trust your instincts. I'm a big believer in fighting for your family so don't get me wrong. But we were wrong for eachother and now we are both MUCH happier. As much as I said I didn't want to I met the man of my dreams 2 years ago and am ridiculously in love and happy. My kids see what love looks like now and our house is full of laughter and not screaming.

Do some soul searching and do what's right for you and most importantly for the kids. Only you know that. No one elses story can convince you of it.

Good luck and best wishes.

linsben

Im not married. But i think counselling could deffinetly save your mariage. Hopefully the two of you will learn to communicate and it sounds like your husband doesnt take your feeling into consideration and that he basically belittles you infront of your kids. He needs to know thats not ok and is having negative effects. Till death do you part i hope! but not any time soon...its fantastic he beat the cancer and im surprised that didnt bring the two of you together. I think you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to do everything in your power to make it work. But that being said it does take two to tango so hopefully your husband is just as willing to make it work...and he really should cuz marriage is seriouse! For yourself do EVERYTHING that you must so that no matter how it ends you walk away being content with how you handled yourself.

Ananke65

Get counselling, either by yourself or with your husband. I've been through one divorce and I would never wish it upon my worst enemy. Good luck to you both!

BOGmama2010

I am so sorry. I considered divorce about 5 years ago after finding out my husband was having an affair. Counseling is definitely a good start - my husband wouldn't go with me, but it helped for me to meet with my pastor and talk with him and be prayed with. I also took our twins for 2 weeks to go stay with my grandma and give him an idea of what it would be without me and the kids. He finally realized during those 2 weeks that he would do anything to keep us. Our marriage has been a lot better since then and it has been the best it's ever been in the last year since we started working out together and getting healthier.

I also recommend the movie Fireproof. I love that movie and the message it gives. The Love Dare book is available and may be something to look into as well.

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that everything works out for the best.

bridred8

Everyone's relationships are different, so it is a tough area to give advice. In your case it seems that you have went through some very tough times. It likely caused a lot of stress on you both. Lots of times stress can make people take out their anger and frustration on the ones they love, simply because those are the people closest to you.
I have always believed that if BOTH of you try and BOTH of you want to make it work you really can. Talk to a professional, one that works for you both. Reguardless of the outcome you will need someone to talk to.

I have been through a divorce, it is tough and it made me angry and bitter for a long time, but in the end it was the best thing I could have done. My ex had no interest in me or our marriage. (which lead me to deal with food because I could understand why he didn't like me, so I gave myself a reason to not be loved....90lbs of it) We had other problems as well. He drank and would only hold part-time jobs at best leaving all the finacial burden to me. I tried so hard to become a person that he would love that I lost myself and began to resent him.

LFern

Try the counseling 1st. If that counselor seems "one sided" try another.

I've been married 31 years. Filed for divorce once and am SO thankful that we didn't do it!

You obviously love him very much if you helped him get through a battle with cancer.

Cancer not only attacks the body - it attacks the mind. Not only should you guys try marriage counseling but also you should each join a cancer support group. Seperately. So you can see that others have the same struggle before/during the treatment and after.

Love is NOT enough. Think back to the days when you were dating. What made you decide to take that marital leap? What things did you have in common that have changed now? COMMUNICATION is the ONLY way a marriage works. The two people involved must decide what they see 5 years from now.

Just remember; Kids grow up. In the end you two are all that are left standing. And kids WILL pit one against the other when it comes to parents. My husband had a very rough 1st 1/2 of our marriage - but it is what it took to reach the 2nd 1/2 and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We LOVE being together - we're like teenagers again because we don't have littls kids at home to worry about. (the adults living at home - well that is another story for another time)

Good Luck to you -

bridred8

Hmmm this is a touchy issue because it's different for everyone. For me...it was the same. We were completely different people sharing a house and the bills. Which seemed easier than doing it on my own so the time just flew by without us really acknowledging it. The breaking point for me was when it became unhealthy for the kids, which in hindsight a loveless marriage IS unhealthy but it was the fighting that did it for me. With every fight we both crossed the line a little more at a time in the respect area. Not that we fought everyday because we were pretty good at ignoring eachother but when we did, it was not pretty. I got to the point that enough was enough and there was one particular fight that did that for me which I won't give you the details of. At the time I broke it off knowing I was ok with spending the rest of my life with me and my boys and that was it. I did not want to be committed to another man. It wasn't worth it. I can tell you as scary as it was to make the decision.....how was I going to raise 2 boys by myself? Well let me tell you...one load of laundry less...one dish less....one pair of shoes less to pick up.....it ended up being so worth having to take the garbage out on my own. Cause that was the only thing he did do. lol Now looking back OMG my only thought is why did I wait? Life is too short and I'm a believer (because my mom told me so) that you should trust your gut. Is your gut saying this is the man for you? For me, it never did. It was just easier to be with him than with out. Trust your instincts. I'm a big believer in fighting for your family so don't get me wrong. But we were wrong for eachother and now we are both MUCH happier. As much as I said I didn't want to I met the man of my dreams 2 years ago and am ridiculously in love and happy. My kids see what love looks like now and our house is full of laughter and not screaming.

Do some soul searching and do what's right for you and most importantly for the kids. Only you know that. No one elses story can convince you of it.

Good luck and best wishes.

The gut NEVER lies, but sometimes we don't listen!

KatieM7

I heard this somewhere.... a married couple went to meet with their church leader. They "hated" each other but still "loved" each other but they said they were done and wanted to get a divorce. This church leader of theirs told them that they should give it one more shot. He asked a few questions and then told them that if they would kneel down together as a couple every day that they would be blessed. They also needed to "court" each other again. Well long story short they met with said church leader a month or 2 later and they walked into the office HOLDING HANDS! They were able to find that spark again. With that being said like someone already said you BOTH have to be willing to make it work for it to actually work out. Good luck! If it was me I would fight until there was nothing to fight for but I went into my marriage with the "divorce is never an option" attitude. :flowerforyou:

Edit:Do agree with the "gut" never lies. If you guys are not meant to be with each other don't fight it but if you are meant to be fight with everything you have. :flowerforyou:

jamie78

If you have a church you go to I would say try talking to your preacher. If you don't have a church home find one. Most of them offer marriage help for free. Pray Pray and Pray. It will amaze how much things can change for the better when you both put God in front of your marriage. I know sometimes things are so bad that they cant be fixed but it sounds like to me that you are no where near that point. Also the Love Dare book is really an awesome book. Maybe you and your husband can do it together. God Bless you and your family. Hope it works out for you.

k8smama

I want to thank you all for taking the time to offer the advice you have, it's greatly appreciated. I have an appointment for tomorrow for my self with a counselor and need to reschedule the joint appointment later next week. When we married we were the best of friends. Now he says that I act like I'm his mother. The problem is that I end up feeling like his mother most days. I'm going to suggest that he finds someone to talk to on his own as well, since I had never really thought about post-cancer depression before this. Thank you all again so much, I'll be looking back at this post often!

superbeffie

I have to agree with what everyone else is saying. Counseling is a huge help. I would also recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" for you guys. It is a huge help and I can't believe the difference it made for me and my hubby.

It also sounds like he might need some individual counseling. Dealing with something like cancer is a huge thing and he may need some help to process it.
Good luck, dear.