Thinking of Divorce...Any Advice??

Jessica_Lo

I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

Take care-
Nakia

Amen.
I divorced 12 years ago. It was devastating and does not solve all your problems. It is not an easy way out nor was it meant to be.
Divorce destroys children. You MUST think about them. They are completely innocent and helpless. Sounds like they may have already been thru a divorce? Don't add to their trauma.
Do everything you can to work out your issues.
Pray and seek God for help and answers.
Find good Christian friends who will counsel you wisely.

I disagree with the quote that "Divorce Destroys children". In my personal experience and with alot of people i know. Divorce makes children alot more independant and in tune with reality. Life is not a fairy tale and especially nowadays parents break up everyday. When that happens to you, you realize that its on you to change your life and that everything that happens in life is because of your doing somewhat. Also you feel that this is the worst thing that can happen to you and then when something shocking happens to you in the future, you know how to manage it like a human being and that crying and weeping won't help. You become strong because basically that is the only option unless you wanna give up and go into depression and drugs. Divorce is a really good lesson for children i believe. Don't get me wrong, it is hard and painful but its reality and the sooner you learn it, the better you will be. Kids that don't deal with divorce end up growing up and then when something in life goes wrong they have serious meltdowns because they have never experienced out of there bubble.

I completely agree and in most situations the kids end up in a better environment with out the parents fighting and other negative bahaviors that they witness when 2 people are seriously unhappy. Yes, it's hard on the kids but it's hard either way. I think it's ignorant when people say they stay for the kids but the kids are witnessing abuse or other equally as damaging behaviors. You can't make this blanket judgement on every situation.

Mustang_Susie

I didn't issue this as a "blanket statement".
There was no mention of "abuse or other equally damaging behaviors".
How about children seeing their parents work through a difficult situation and come out stronger on the other side?
How about children seeing parents honor their vows and not modeling divorce as the answer when things get a little unpleasant?
Children learn how to deal with difficult situations by seeing thier parents deal successfully with difficult situations.
How ridiculous to suggest a child NEEDS to experience divorce to learn how to deal with life outside of a "bubble".
Children need the security of an intact family with a loving father and mother.
To destroy this security with a divorce is traumatic to them.
Their young minds/hearts don't have the developmental ability to cope with this type of trauma.
It negatively impacts them for life.
I saw my young sons cry themselves to sleep and struggle daily with going between two households.
They HATED it and told me so.
I will NEVER believe that was helpful to them in ANY way.
How sad for you to think it would.
Do either of you have children?
Have you been divorced?

Jessica_Lo

I'm not sure who you were replying to but seeing as I was the last one in....

You did say. Divorce destroys children. Nothing else with it....not in most cases but as a fact. That's basically a blanket statement.

Yes I have been divorced and no my kids were not destroyed in it and are now in a better situation than they would have been had we stayed together. That's not the case in all situations and clearly...if there is something that needs to be worked and the adults are willing to make the effort to do then it's up to the adults to make the effort and/or walk away. It was hard on my kids...and it wasn't easy on anyone but now that the dust has settled I wouldn't have it any other way. Each situation is different and each situation is up to the adults involved to chose the right path for themselves and most importantly for their children.

Mustang_Susie

I'm not sure who you were replying to but seeing as I was the last one in....

You did say. Divorce destroys children. Nothing else with it....not in most cases but as a fact. That's basically a blanket statement.

Yes I have been divorced and no my kids were not destroyed in it and are now in a better situation than they would have been had we stayed together. That's not the case in all situations and clearly...if there is something that needs to be worked and the adults are willing to make the effort to do then it's up to the adults to make the effort and/or walk away. It was hard on my kids...and it wasn't easy on anyone but now that the dust has settled I wouldn't have it any other way. Each situation is different and each situation is up to the adults involved to chose the right path for themselves and most importantly for their children.

The original post stated that they "didn't like each other". Well, I don't always like my husband either and I know at times he definitely doesn't like me. In my book that is hardly grounds for divorce. No mention was made of abuse. That is a totally different situation. Perhaps I should have clarified that, but I was responding to her particular post about divorce. However, I still maintain that divorce is very damaging to children.
She also described the kids as her "bio" and his "bio" which led me to believe that these children have been thru a previous divorce or at least the break-up of the bio parents. This concerned me that the children have already endured one upset in their young lives and I didn't think another upset should be consdiered so quickley because, again, "they don't like each other."
My children were also in a better situation after the divorce but it still hurt them and I wish I could have prevented that hurt.
And as I said in my previous post I think it was ridiculous of Sarina87 to suggest that divorce "is a really good lesson" for children. Life has many other hard, painful lessons that kids must (hopefully) learn from. Why add one very painful one that could have possibly been prevented?

suejonestx

I have a good friend going through a divorce. My only advice (aside from counseling) is to picture the future and try to look back at the present. Is it really worth giving up your family for? How will you and your kids be affected? Is this just a road bump you should try to surpass or a real block in the road? Do you still love your husband? These questions might help you make the best decision for you and your family. IN my opinion, my friend's husband met a little road bump in the marriage and decided to throw in the towel and call it quits without really understanding what he is losing or making any effort to keep it. Good luck to you!

Lisa__Michelle

I have to be honest here. I don't think that people should be allowed to get married if they are even going to ever consider the option of divorce. You make vows to each other and promise (if you are religious)under God.. and (if not religious) you still make the promise to be there through thickness and thin. It makes me upset when I see couples take advantage of marriage when there are plenty of couples out there who desperately respect it and want to get married but can't because of laws preventing them from getting married (LGBT community).

My advice, try every option out there. Definitely, I would start with the counseling. That does help a lot of couples because it is an atmosphere where you both can say how you feel and have no harsh reaction by the other like if you did it at home. Try to make date nights to rekindle your passion for one another. Please visit every last option first!

ashers1819

I have been divorced and I understand how difficult it is. I know that you will be racked with guilt, that you need to make it work because you are married to each other and have taken vows to work things through and love each other through good times and bad.

I know the feeling that there has to be something wrong with you because you can't hold it together and you can't make it happy. I divorced my husband because I didn't like him as a person and he wasn't happy with me. We'd been through a lot together. We no longer communicated effectively and I was in a position that I felt that I had to become someone that I wasn't in order to make the marriage work.

The truth is no one is perfect, but if you feel that you are becoming someone you hate and if you feel that you can't act like yourself in your own home or if you are afraid of communicating with your partner for fear of what the reaction might be then you might seriously want to consider separating.

My mom told me something when I was going through a very rough time with my husband. She said 'If you had a car and it broke down, you take it to the mechanic and you if it is something minor what would you do? Fix it? What if it broke down and the mechanic told you it was a write off? What would you do? Pay to fix something that can't be repaired or scrap it? Don't feel bad that you can't always fix the car, sometimes it is just not possible, you need to recognise when it is not worth repairing because it is going to cost too much or it's only going to patch up a problem not make it go way.' She was right, like the car, my marriage was broken. I couldn't bend any more, clean any more than I already was or work any more hours to make the situation better.

I chose to walk away. Many of my family didn't agree with me but I knew I could only be myself and if that wasn't enough for him than it whatever we had was over.

I met my current partner shortly after that and he and I have been together for more than six years. I know that every day I wasted with that man was a day I was stopping myself being happy with someone else, I don't regret my choice at all despite, the stress I experienced at the time. Since then I have recognised that you need to work at relationships but there has to be a relationship to work on. It needs to be loving and respectful.

Personally I would go to counselling but make sure you recognise if like the car, it was only a patch job or if it was truly fixed.

Good luck to you, you will find strength in yourself you didn't know you had.

Lindac67241

In all things, use WISDOM!!!!

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own undestanding
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct your path



Remember, MAN rationalizes.... but GOD knows.

themommie

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Divorce is hard on everyone, I would exhaust all my options first. Have you heard of the LOVE DARE ? It is a book, that helps you to show love to your spouse even when you dont feel like it, and it has helped turn around ALOT of marraiges, it is worth a try. I would also go through marriage counseling first. Everyone goes through hard times and if you stick it out the good times will come again , good luck (((HUGS)))

Mustang_Susie

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Divorce is hard on everyone, I would exhaust all my options first. Have you heard of the LOVE DARE ? It is a book, that helps you to show love to your spouse even when you dont feel like it, and it has helped turn around ALOT of marraiges, it is worth a try. I would also go through marriage counseling first. Everyone goes through hard times and if you stick it out the good times will come again , good luck (((HUGS)))

Good suggestion!

muth3rluvx2

I have to be honest here. I don't think that people should be allowed to get married if they are even going to ever consider the option of divorce. You make vows to each other and promise (if you are religious)under God.. and (if not religious) you still make the promise to be there through thickness and thin. It makes me upset when I see couples take advantage of marriage when there are plenty of couples out there who desperately respect it and want to get married but can't because of laws preventing them from getting married (LGBT community).

My advice, try every option out there. Definitely, I would start with the counseling. That does help a lot of couples because it is an atmosphere where you both can say how you feel and have no harsh reaction by the other like if you did it at home. Try to make date nights to rekindle your passion for one another. Please visit every last option first!

ALMOST totally agreed - some people hide who they are until after those vows, unfortunately. This happens a great deal in abusive marriages.

That being said, alot of people get married - especially women - because there's a strong romantic attachment to weddings. We don't teach our children how to communicate and be in relationships together. Truly sad. I hope I'm doing better with my boys in that department.

muth3rluvx2

Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

That's what I was wondering - it sounds like he's just drifting. You might consider getting in touch with who ever provided his care and see what they suggest to assess this.

Good luck!

As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!

You didn't think of it because you're too close to it and have too much going on in your own head. :-) And that's totally okay. SOOO glad you got some reassurances out of this step and the conversation. Please, let us know how things progress - for both of you!!!


:: hugs ::

AmeMahoney

I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

Take care-
Nakia

Amen.
I divorced 12 years ago. It was devastating and does not solve all your problems. It is not an easy way out nor was it meant to be.
Divorce destroys children. You MUST think about them. They are completely innocent and helpless. Sounds like they may have already been thru a divorce? Don't add to their trauma.
Do everything you can to work out your issues.
Pray and seek God for help and answers.
Find good Christian friends who will counsel you wisely.

I disagree with the quote that "Divorce Destroys children". In my personal experience and with alot of people i know. Divorce makes children alot more independant and in tune with reality. Life is not a fairy tale and especially nowadays parents break up everyday. When that happens to you, you realize that its on you to change your life and that everything that happens in life is because of your doing somewhat. Also you feel that this is the worst thing that can happen to you and then when something shocking happens to you in the future, you know how to manage it like a human being and that crying and weeping won't help. You become strong because basically that is the only option unless you wanna give up and go into depression and drugs. Divorce is a really good lesson for children i believe. Don't get me wrong, it is hard and painful but its reality and the sooner you learn it, the better you will be. Kids that don't deal with divorce end up growing up and then when something in life goes wrong they have serious meltdowns because they have never experienced out of there bubble.

Totally agree! Children are not a reason to stay together. I wished for YEARS that my mother and her husband would get divorced, and was SO glad when they did! It's better for people to be happy than to be together.

Anyway, it's probably very hard for your husband because he was sick a lot and weak around you while battling his cancer (I mean, he did say you acted like his "mother"). I'm sure he's having some weird feelings about that whole mess and probably some embarassment at being so vulnerable. Depression was also the first thing I thought of. Hopefully things are going better for you.

AmeMahoney

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Divorce is hard on everyone, I would exhaust all my options first. Have you heard of the LOVE DARE ? It is a book, that helps you to show love to your spouse even when you dont feel like it, and it has helped turn around ALOT of marraiges, it is worth a try. I would also go through marriage counseling first. Everyone goes through hard times and if you stick it out the good times will come again , good luck (((HUGS)))

Good suggestion!

Love Dare is SUPER Christian. Everyone on here apparently just assumes you're Christian, but I just wanted to let you know in case that's not your thing. People should warn you when they're pushing a religious book.

That_Girl

I agree with post cancer depression. I have had friends who have acted the same way.

I suggest remembering your vows and saying that again. Marriage is hard sometimes...not that I'd know, I've been married almost 2 years, but I know at some point we'll have issues....which is when I'll remember our vows and how amazing I felt that day marrying the love of my life.

You guys went through a LOT of stuff lately. Bravo for him making it through :-) Bravo for you standing by him. But there's bound to be odd feelings and maybe resentment or something that built this wall between the two of you.

You can do this...it won't always be like this and when you work it out, it will be a stronger marriage for it.

I wish you the best.

That_Girl

Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

That's what I was wondering - it sounds like he's just drifting. You might consider getting in touch with who ever provided his care and see what they suggest to assess this.

Good luck!

As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!

This is wonderful.

I sense that you've gained some peace...