Rude or not?

That_Girl

I wasn't being passive aggressive O_o She was telling me why she can't do anything about her weight and at the same time asking how I did it. She said she couldn't, I said I had to. What is so passive-aggressive about that?

Clearly you don't know me

iamhealingmyself

The hardest thing about searching for the truth...Is that sometimes you find it.

Amen. Your closest friends are those who will tell you what you NEED to hear, not what you WANT to hear and sometimes the most personal lessons we learn are not our lessons in the first place.

gozdeh

I never thought counting cal's could do anything for me, but it is a wake up call that keeps me in check more than anything ever had.

I never thought it would do anything for me either.... Amazing how well it works. MFP is a fantastic system!

iamhealingmyself

If it was just you two standing there then I would say not. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. You could write down the name of this website and hand it to her, telling her to look around. The before and after pics here really motivated me. AND is she isn't ready now maybe she will someday soon.

Theres a lady at work I keep telling about this site. I have even showed her a couple of before and after pics and she still wont really check it out. She has diabetes and weighs more then me.

Maybe you (and the OP) could bring in a nice lunch to share - use the meal as your starting point - how you go about setting realistic goals, how you use the site to get ideas on foods which you use to plan meals which you use to plan your shopping list (etc) and just go from there. Use the time you spend eating as kind of a question and answer session - give them something mental to chew on for awhile. Offer them your previous menus if it fits their needs to get them started. Let them see how fast it can really be once you get going.

Carl01

This is quickly approaching the dreaded (for a guy) "does this make my butt look big" question for which there is not only no good answer but is also impossible to duck.
Nothing you can say will ever be right.

If a person asks it then they should be ready to deal with the answer...if they ask it only to be told that they are fine then the problem is still theirs.
I don`t know how one confronts something like this without in someones opinion being considered rude.

PattiPositive

Planting a seed that she will think about is OK.

123456654321

I wasn't being passive aggressive O_o She was telling me why she can't do anything about her weight and at the same time asking how I did it. She said she couldn't, I said I had to. What is so passive-aggressive about that?

Clearly you don't know me

Well, you said you were annoyed right? Because you can't stand when people make excuses that they can't when it's clearly because they wont. So you reacted by said saying the whole " Well, I don't want to be a fatty and die" thing. It was about yourself, but was clearly directed towards her right? instead of just directly telling her what you think about her excuses. I would consider that passive aggressive. Unless you were just honestly just talking about yourself without trying to make any point at all. If that were the case though, there really wouldn't be a point to this thread because talking about your own experiences without the intentions of putting others down is pretty far from rude at all......Hell, I don't know, maybe I've read the whole thing wrong.

That_Girl

I was annoyed. What's wrong with that? My motives to lose weight didn't come from her "I can't". Those were my motives then, they are my motives now...Well, that and looking good naked. :laugh: I just worried that she might take it wrong...I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about myself. I don't care if someone is fat or not. Not my problem. Living long and happy with my kids and being active with them IS my problem I am trying to fix that.

I don't think you and I should talk any longer. You don't understand me, and I don't need to explain myself.

I appreciate your opinion, but I promise I wasn't passive-aggressive when I said it. We were chatting like we always do. No snark involved.

123456654321

This is quickly approaching the dreaded (for a guy) "does this make my butt look big" question for which there is not only no good answer but is also impossible to duck.
Nothing you can say will ever be right.

If a person asks it then they should be ready to deal with the answer...if they ask it only to be told that they are fine then the problem is still theirs.
I don`t know how one confronts something like this without in someones opinion being considered rude.

Hell, I'd want an answer to that question if I asked it. But I would NOT want it if I didn't ask for it.

ksloop00

You could have said it a little better and nicer. You never know what the other person is dealing with, maybe she has other health issues that prevent her from losing weight. I am confined to a wheelchair and people ( able-bodied people ) tell me how easy it is to lose weight. When they say that all I'm thinking is "Yeah when you can drive, get yourself to a gym and walk of course it's easy." You should talk to her tomorrow to make sure her feelings weren't hurt.

MeliciousMelis

I think she's lucky she spoke with someone who was HONEST and didn't enable her with more reasons as to why she "can't".
I don't think you were rude- I think you were real.

jon_dub

It could be concidered rude. Justified yeah but you can't live everyones life for them. If you did not say it in a manner that was snippy then it should be fine. Touch base with her tomorrow and tell her you hope you did not come off rude but you totally think she could do it if she tried.

what's rude about it? she never called the other girl fat or overweight or said anything about her.... she only referred to herself and what her life decisions were. Now if the OP went up to the other girl and said "hey, how can you let yourself go so badly? Don't you care about your kids? How can you be so selfish?" well, that's downright rude but the other girl approached her. Anytime someone is paying a compliment or inquiring about how someone did something, they are setting themselves up to be compared or used as an example. The OP never did that. If she feels bad that her passion for her new life might have offended the other girl, she could help her (as others have said) but at the same time, not fall for a poor me, I can't, it's too hard attitude. We all know what it's like to get started. That's half the battle sometimes - taking that first step.

So by saying you look nice i am opening myself up for you to say i look not so nice. No wonder people don't give out compliments any more. I will remember that.

That_Girl

You could have said it a little better and nicer. You never know what the other person is dealing with, maybe she has other health issues that prevent her from losing weight. I am confined to a wheelchair and people ( able-bodied people ) tell me how easy it is to lose weight. When they say that all I'm thinking is "Yeah when you can drive, get yourself to a gym and walk of course it's easy." You should talk to her tomorrow to make sure her feelings weren't hurt.

I was saying it about myself. I wasn't saying it to slap her into reality. I said it about MYSELF and then thought, oh crap...lol....but the fact is, when I said it, I wasn't thinking about how fat she is, only for my motives to lose the weight.

Carl01

This is quickly approaching the dreaded (for a guy) "does this make my butt look big" question for which there is not only no good answer but is also impossible to duck.
Nothing you can say will ever be right.

If a person asks it then they should be ready to deal with the answer...if they ask it only to be told that they are fine then the problem is still theirs.
I don`t know how one confronts something like this without in someones opinion being considered rude.

Hell, I'd want an answer to that question if I asked it. But I would NOT want it if I didn't ask for it.

Just for the sake of discussion what if the honest answer was not what you liked?
I mean would a person ask that wanting to hear a yes or would they ask that hoping to hear something that made them feel okay with what they wanted to believe?

I could be wrong there and not trying to create an argument but my guess is the person involved knows what they need to do but isn`t willing yet and was hoping that somehow an escape from that reality would be offered dishonestly.

123456654321

I was annoyed. What's wrong with that? My motives to lose weight didn't come from her "I can't". Those were my motives then, they are my motives now...Well, that and looking good naked. :laugh: I just worried that she might take it wrong...I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about myself. I don't care if someone is fat or not. Not my problem. Living long and happy with my kids and being active with them IS my problem I am trying to fix that.

I don't think you and I should talk any longer. You don't understand me, and I don't need to explain myself.

I appreciate your opinion, but I promise I wasn't passive-aggressive when I said it. We were chatting like we always do. No snark involved.

Actually never asked for any explanation from you. You asked our opinions and I gave mine based on what I read. I don't have any Ill feelings about it or you and I'm not trying to be snarky. Just giving my honest opinion.....like you asked.

That_Girl

Well, thanks

Even if I was misunderstood. Online writing is never 100% accurate.

dhiggins8

Tell me about can't .... can't means you won't even try

123456654321

Well, thanks

Even if I was misunderstood. Online writing is never 100% accurate.

Tru Dat

iamhealingmyself

"I can't because I'm exclusively breastfeeding". I'm sorry but drinking 3 cans of Mountain Dew a day and eating takeaways is NOT cheaper than eating fruit and vegetables and is NOT better for the breastfeeding.

OMG Really! If she's eating that now while feeding her child I can only imagine what she ate while pregnant. Hearing things like this reinforces my belief that if we need a test and permission to do something as simple as drive, we should be thoroughly screened before even being allowed to consider having children. (I know it's crazy but still just makes you want to go UGH!)

3 Mountain Dews... I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it. That reminds me of the sugar water they give you for a glucose tolerance test. I'm hypoglycemic and it almost made me puke it was soo sweet. lol
OMG I'm still in shock over this one.... can you say future ADHD case study?

iamhealingmyself

O.o I didn't snap at her. I didn't say it in a b*tchy way. I was smiling and just matter of fact. She brought it up. I don't shoot rainbows up people's bums lol. PCism is killing the country.

Right? If someone wanted a PC response, they should know better than to ask me. :laugh:
I'm the ANTI-PC (no, I'm not a MAC, lol)

Pippi8

I don't think it was rude at all. You were telling her why YOU decided to get healthier, not telling her why SHE should. I'm guessing it just hit her in a serious, surreal sort of way...kind of a reality check. If she's always gotten by making excuses for herself and laughing herself out of her own committments to herself, she could have been suddenly struck with a deeper reason to change her lifestyle. Maybe she was jealous that you've made changes...maybe she felt intimidated by your strength and resolve at that moment. Who knows....it made her think and hopefully she'll find a way to get healthy. She probably says she 'can't do it' because it's easier that trying and failing...easier not to begin at all. She has some inner growth to do and we all are on our own time schedules as far as when we are ready to change our own lives. Not rude...just real and a little deep. From the heart.

iamhealingmyself

So by saying you look nice i am opening myself up for you to say i look not so nice. No wonder people don't give out compliments any more. I will remember that.

Well, nothing personal towards you b/c I don't know you, but I personally never take that kind of compliment well. If it's from a guy, he's usually looking for something. If it's from a girl, then she's probably finding 100 things wrong with how I'm dressed, how much I weigh whatever... Nothing is free whether or not you know the true cost.

No that is not the case in that example. I guess I worded it poorly. I'm tired and hungry and have been reading this thread for far too long. The point of comparison was that of the person asking the question... they are already comparing themselves to to the other person. Wow, she looks good I wonder how she did it (so I can do it too). That's cool, how did you learn to do that (so I can learn too). Hey! Nice new car, where did you get it (so I can buy one too) Stuff like that.

If she truly wanted to be rude about it, she could have replied to the "Oh I just can't do that" comment by saying "Yeah, you're right." and walking away. How small would she feel then? But then again, if she's got the I'll show you attitude, it might just motivate her.

If you don't really want to know the answer, then the question shouldn't be asked. It's like the other poster who said the woman was saying she couldn't afford to eat healthy foods, but that's really because she's spending all her money on take out. Where there is a will, there is a way. I have a quote on my work laptop that talks about a person being ready for something. I will post it tomorrow as I didn't bring it home today. It makes a lot of sense though. You can hear the same thing from 100 different people but until you're ready for it, you might as well be deaf.

We can all go back and forth over this 1000 times but really, we're not the OP or the other person so we really don't know WHAT we'd do in that situation. We are all filtering this based on our life experiences, not theirs. As she said, they're friends and the other girl knows that the OP tells it like it is. What her comments could have been were not so much excuses, but fears and a cry for help. It all depends on how you look at it. Any of us could try to talk this woman through how easy it is to do, but really wouldn't a real example work better? The OP could have said "yes you can - watch how easy this is.... whipped out her phone, pulled up the MFP app and entered her lunch in under a minute. How can you deny that kind of example? i mean unless she has no compatible phone, etc. but still - even that could have been worked around by a "yes you can, lets go to my desk and I'll show you how I enter my lunch" Even let her add something herself - or play with it by searching for things she eats. Without being pushy she could have closed the lesson with if you have any questions, feel free to ask me and let it go.

There are many many ways to say things as there are things to say. The whole thing really comes back to the OP. If she is feeling or second guessing that maybe she was hurt in some way, then she should say something. At least clear the air and let the other girl say it was nothing and maybe open the door for a "You really made me think" reply.

To the OP:
All you can do at this point is make sure she knows you're there for questions, support, help, etc. IF and WHEN she's ready. And if she's never ready, thank her for noticing all of your Hard work.

LovelySnugs

Who cares if it was rude?! Honestly! I wish people had been "rude" to me 60 lbs. ago. Then I wouldn't have stretch marks and be over 200 lbs. and be lethargic and wouldn't have had depression and ...shall I go on?

I think it's good that you were honest about what's important to you. If she internalizes it, then good! But it's ultimately up to her how she's going to handle it.

If you're feeling bad about it, might I suggest sending her an email with a link to MFP and your user name? Tell her it was really nice talking to her about your weight loss and tell her how great you feel already and you'd love it if she would join you. You can do it together!

Just an idea.

this.

Hotbysummer

Seriously! WHAT CAN she do?? Does she think there is a 'fat fairy' that comes by when you sleep and takes fat out of your body?! Or an 'easy skinny button'?!?! WOW! NO pain NO gain, (which always confused me..anduntil I got my lazy $@# up off the couch and did something about it!) DANG! I know what you feel like about being rude, my bestfriend from childhood has a major weight issue!! Her and I spent a lot of time together over the summer(probably attributes to my weight, lol) but she always notices the difference in my body, because we don't see eachother on a regular basis, and in the same sentance talks about how she is always tired, feels sick throughout the day, aches, pains, blah blah blah!!!!! As she interrupts our phone conversation to place a fast food drive through order!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH! COME ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BODIES!!!!! I really wish I had said what you said! Because I may be the rude one by NOT saying it!!! I just hope one day she realizes (your friend, and mine)that this is the only body we get to live in.....treating it right is key!!!!!

123456654321

This is quickly approaching the dreaded (for a guy) "does this make my butt look big" question for which there is not only no good answer but is also impossible to duck.
Nothing you can say will ever be right.

If a person asks it then they should be ready to deal with the answer...if they ask it only to be told that they are fine then the problem is still theirs.
I don`t know how one confronts something like this without in someones opinion being considered rude.

Hell, I'd want an answer to that question if I asked it. But I would NOT want it if I didn't ask for it.

Just for the sake of discussion what if the honest answer was not what you liked?
I mean would a person ask that wanting to hear a yes or would they ask that hoping to hear something that made them feel okay with what they wanted to believe?

I could be wrong there and not trying to create an argument but my guess is the person involved knows what they need to do but isn`t willing yet and was hoping that somehow an escape from that reality would be offered dishonestly.

Oh no, if I straight up asked for a persons opinion, I want an honest answer...even if it's an answer I don't like.

.....Not sure how your question could start an argument.

Nailrep

Kinda like religion or politics. You spoke your mind (out of concern). So now you have to leave it alone. Maybe she will think about what you said. Hopefully she does!

iamhealingmyself

The quote I was referring to last night comes from Think And Grow Rich:
No one is ready for a thing unit he BELIEVES he can ACQUIRE it.

Based on her "oh I couldn't do that" reply, she's not ready yet. She doesn't see herself living that way and being happy.

Coleman73

Well it is different now. Since we have hand held phones that can tell us calories in an instant. I would introduce her to my fitness pal it makes calorie counting so much more do able. Give people the tools they are the ones who choose to use em.

Woodman725

I don't know if anyone else mentioned it this way, but in the context of things you were not rude at all. If she was talking to some person who weighed 115 lbs and just said "Hey, you're so thin. How do you do it?" and that person answered the same way you did, it would be rude. But coming from someone who is/was overweight with the experience and understanding with all that goes along with that, it's totally acceptable. I'm not saying that someone who never smoked can't tell a person to stop smoking, but in this case she asked about it, she deserves to hear the truth even if it's someone else's truth.

TenaciousTAZ

Most people are in denial. They want results but refuse to put in the effort. My mother's poor health gave me a wake up call and I dropped 80. Its sad that my mother is still in denial that her health issues are due to obesity.
You can be blunt or sugar coat things, but many people just refuse to listen and think that it is some magic. It's called discipline, and hard work. I have the calluses to prove it!
SW 230
CW 150