Can Men and Women REALLY ever just bo friends?

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  • dancer77
    dancer77 Posts: 249 Member
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    My 2cents is that it is entirely possible, but it has its hazards. When one is single its a bit harder (I think) because sometimes one person does start getting some feelings or a hidden agenda that you have to decide not to act on and continue being friends. That being said my former bf had a hard time understanding that i had a best friend who was a guy so I had to be careful to make sure the bf knew which relationship was romantic and which was platonic. But in the end I think it comes down to trust and priority. I am fully fine with any bf of mine having girl friends and even very close ones, but I'd want to be his first priority. And if i trusted him enough to date him I'd trust him enough to know that if he developed feelings for the "other" girl then he would tell me and not go behind my back.
  • muth3rluvx2
    muth3rluvx2 Posts: 1,156 Member
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    I think this is a hard question to generalize by gender. I think it's more specific to the individuals in question. Can *some* men and women be purely 100% platonic friends with absolutely nothing by way of sexual tension/thought between them? Yes. But I don't know if I'd necessarily use this information to apply it to your walking buddy. When one single individual has "feelings" for an attached individual, the attached party may never know. So to even try to guess at what they are thinking or feeling is kind of presumptive, IMHO.

    Sos, in your shoes, I'd probably tell my walking friend about this conversation and very carefully watch his expressions as he responded. I don't know what your husband is like in reality but if nothing else, I'd want this person to be prepared for him to act like an *kitten* instead of being surprised by it. That would probably tell you everything you wanted to know.

    :: hugs :: is it possible? Very. But I'd still be extremely cautious applying this as a general rule.
  • amoffatt
    amoffatt Posts: 674 Member
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    My hubby is just fine with friends of the same sex, he has no issue. I haven't personaly had issues surrounding men hitting on married gal friends, for there is a respect. What I have seen and delt with was the women were the ones who would flirt with their guy friends, married or not. Some even did it infront of the wife or g/f saying they are just friends, playing around, and that they do it all the time. There are bounaries and my hubby and I have had more women cross those than men. My husband says its because women are constantly in competition with each other (whether they know it or not, that is why we are so judgemental of one another) that if a woman can get a married man to flirt with them, especially infront of the wife, or even a girlfriend, the woman believes they are "one up" along with an ego boost. It is all in respect of both sides.
  • porcelain_doll
    porcelain_doll Posts: 1,005 Member
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    I used to be more liberal about it than I am now. I was friends with my ex-boyfriend from years ago (YEARS... we dated in 1996, and not for very long), and after talking on Facebook, we began exchanging e-mails. They were not romantic but his wife did not like it anyway. The e-mails were mostly talking about things from the past 14 years since we hadn't been in touch. I was still in my naive bubble thinking it was ok to do since we were not being romantic, and a family member had even told me it was ok as long as lines were not crossed. Then I was accused by another friend of participating in an emotional affair with him. Long story short, I got tired of his wife thinking something was going on that wasn't, and cut him out of my life completely.

    I now believe it is a gray, and potentially hazardous, area. I guess it really depends on what "being friends" actually means. I know now that a single woman being friends with a married man or vice versa can get complicated quickly, even if the people in question are innocent. The way things look sometimes is all it takes for trouble to start.

    I really think it depends on a lot of things, one of them being past experiences on the matter. The friend that accused me of participating in an emotional affair has a sister who is in an active relationship with a married man and has a child with him. The family member that said it was ok to e-mail as long as no lines were crossed has many male friends, and her husband has many female friends. Like I said, I used to be very liberal about male/female friendships, married/dating or not, but now it's just weird for me.

    I did have another (married) friend tell me that she believed guys were friends with girls that they had some level of attraction to, whether they acted on it or not. Not sure if I believe it; I think it just left me feeling more confused.
  • lutzsher
    lutzsher Posts: 1,153 Member
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    As much as I would love to say YES to this question, in my experience it just doesn't seem to actually work out. I have been "friends" with many guys and thought nothing about it because I ONLY felt friendship with them. I have yet to have any of these men actually just keep it as a friendship. I am not flirty, but am open and friendly. I don't play games, with me it is totally "you see what you get' and "I say what I mean".
    Every single one of the guys I have been friends with have hit on me at one time or another. Every one of my Ex husbands friends and co workers also has hit on me. Some have taken years of knowing them before deciding on the "right" moment.
    I like "guy" stuff, I love to work on cars, renovate, basically anything to do with tools (ha ha, cause I have more of them than most guys I know). I don't know if that is what my guy "friends" have been attracted to . . . but it is really frustrating for me because I would love to be able to trust more, but in my experience it just hasn't worked out at all.
  • HelenTheKitchen
    HelenTheKitchen Posts: 383
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    I think it is definitely possible for two people to get along without there being any physical attraction.

    I think no two relationships are alike.
  • CasperO
    CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
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    Well,,, here's kind'a the deal. Men and women can be friends, and just friends, or more than friends,,, but the guy will never forget that the 2 of you have parts that will fit together. Well here,,, Fred Reed explains it perfectly:

    "Men think of sex the way they think of tennis. Suppose I want to work off some energy. I call my buddy Ralph, and we meet at the courts, and have a good time for a few sets -- sweat and grunt, twist our ankles, fall down and break things, and end up in a mild coma.

    When we're through, he doesn't want me to marry him. When in fact I don't, he doesn't feel exploited. In fact, he feels deeply relieved.

    That's how men look at sex. A man genuinely doesn't understand why he can't say to the young lady in the next cubicle, "Hey, Jane, what say we go to my place at lunch for a roll in the hay?"... etc.etc.

    SO - understand that the dude is just your pal, and that's fine. But also understand that given all the options, many many men would be perfectly happy boinking several of their female pals. It is what it is. Most guys will never make a play 'cause we have sense enough to A-conform to societal norms,,, and B-realize that friends and wives and girlfriends don't share our point of view. But the undercurrent is there.

    You'll never convince me that lotsa women don't feel the same way. I read Cosmo... :-)
  • VialOfDreams
    VialOfDreams Posts: 217
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    Of course they can. :) I have guy friends, who I know wouldn't want to be more than just friends, and the feeling is mutual.
  • mikeyml
    mikeyml Posts: 568 Member
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    I used to be more liberal about it than I am now. I was friends with my ex-boyfriend from years ago (YEARS... we dated in 1996, and not for very long), and after talking on Facebook, we began exchanging e-mails. They were not romantic but his wife did not like it anyway. The e-mails were mostly talking about things from the past 14 years since we hadn't been in touch. I was still in my naive bubble thinking it was ok to do since we were not being romantic, and a family member had even told me it was ok as long as lines were not crossed. Then I was accused by another friend of participating in an emotional affair with him. Long story short, I got tired of his wife thinking something was going on that wasn't, and cut him out of my life completely.

    Well being friends with an ex when you or that person is married is generally not a good idea. My wife would be pissed if I was still friends with any of my exes. Now I can say that I would not care if my wife had a friend that she used to date, but that's my personal feeling and everyone is different. Generally once you're married it's time to say goodbye to people that you had relationships with in the past, even if they are innocent now.
  • harley7598
    harley7598 Posts: 5
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    Most of my friends are guys. I only have one female friend. I think you have to trust your partner and yourself to make sure lines are not crossed.

    Agree !! in the same boat, I work with all guys, I ride a Harley. My best friend is a guy... (my fiance' and I also joke about him being my "boyfriend") As he has good female friends also. It comes down to trust & how committed of a relationship you are in, we both know who we are coming home too.
  • deeharley
    deeharley Posts: 1,208 Member
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    If you're a husband or a father to a daughter then you would probably answer no. For anyone else, the answer is yes. hehe

    Haha - I LOVE this answer - it is absolutely true. Men have an inherant desire to protect their women. I don't necessarily think it's wrong, but it can be a bit much sometimes. My poor husband now has two girls to worry about (our daughter is twelve) and he does a fine job letting the men and boys in our lives know we already have someone special.
  • foxxybrown
    foxxybrown Posts: 838 Member
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    It's easier for women to be friends with men than vice versa. I try but I can't associate with a lot of people because they constantly come at me the wrong way even when they know I'm taken. If there is absolutely no attraction on both parts, it's all good!
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
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    I think it's possible though rare...for a true friendship and NO sexual attraction and tension on either end
    I have been 'friends' with a few guys on and off in my lifetime..I was not attracted to them and they never mader a move or a sexual comment towards me..alwasy respectful
  • Kjarlune
    Kjarlune Posts: 178
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    My best friend is a guy. He has been my best friend for years. Him and my husband get along, we spend a lot of time together and we are completely and totally there for each other all the time. Nothing weird or wrong has ever happened. My co host is a guy and we are exceptionally close. Actually to be totally honest with you most of my friends are guys.
  • Missevanston
    Missevanston Posts: 361 Member
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    Well this seems like the topic of the day to respond to! I do believe it is possible for guys and gals to be just friends. I have seen situations go from friends to more, and back again. I think it is interesting that most people who have responded seem to think that the guy is always the one with the hidden agenda, but I am not so sure.

    I agree that when you are in a marriage, trust plays an important role. It has always bugged me that my husband is not really the jealous type. The fact that we do trust each other matters. I work in a male dominated field, and have a lot of guy friends. I have never crossed the line with any of them, ever. I'll agree that sometimes, in certain situations emotions can get involved, but if they do, then there is an emotional line that has been crossed. You just have to be the judge of what is appropriate. Your husband should give you some space and trust you. When you are a girl, a good guy friend is a great thing to have! I trust my husband completely and it doesn't bother me that he has several girl friends, most of whom I know. Respecting and trusting each other matters most. Hope it all works out!
  • katiemeridien
    katiemeridien Posts: 83
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    I think as an exercise buddy or a creative partner, it manifests in different ways. Almost like a business, the relationship is for a purpose that is beyond romantic so that doesn't become a factor.
  • chicks2023
    chicks2023 Posts: 18
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    LOL.... Us guys ALWAYS have an agenda and if we tell you anything different, then we are just trying to put our agenda into motion... The only time this is not true, is gay guys or metro-sexual (haven't come out of the closet) guys.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,291 Member
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    Hard to generalize for both sexes, and I'll say that because I've seen agendas on both sides of the fence.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    I've always had lots of guy friends. I have four brothers. Being around guys is natural to me. When I was single, there were a few guys who wanted to be more than friends, which was awkward. But now that I'm married, it's a non-issue. And my husband always had lots of girl friends, too. I have no jealousy at all, because I know he's completely devoted to me.
  • T_R_A_V
    T_R_A_V Posts: 1,629 Member
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    There can definitely be only friendship between the opposites

    Personally, my best friend is a woman...and her husband is a good friend of mine too and by no means has there been any or will there ever be any attraction. Also, I have lots of other female friends that I think are hot but I have never made any moves at them. Its okay to have friends of the opposite sex in the world today. I think its sad that people think that guys always have alteriro motives, which isnt always true. Maybe its all perception.

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