ADVICE NEEDED - "adults" telling me that what I want to do i

kitchentales

I am so pissed. So incredibly mad that I want nothing more than to tell all the people I’m mad at to go to hell, slam a door, punch a hole in a wall… That kind of mad. So here’s some back story for you. I am 22 years old, totally in love with my boyfriend (who is 23 almost 24) of over a year (who is a great guy, my parents and friends all think I’ve found a keeper, and they’re usually pretty honest with me), and as his lease is up at the end of summer, and I need to move out of my mother’s house, we are thinking we should move in together. Please note, NOT GET MARRIED; just get a place together. He is the one who suggested it, and he has also asked me a few times to move into the house he and his roommates are in right now, and then when the lease is up we’ll get our own place. I am not moving in with his roommates (whole other story, not important), but I am excited about Fall and getting a place with him then.

So I knew I had one coworker who totally disagrees and thinks we shouldn’t move in together. But today I found out that a good number of my coworkers agree with her. They all think that I should get my own place, go travelling, make new friends, and basically do all the wild crazy things people are supposed to want to do when they’re in their 20’s. According to my coworkers, we shouldn’t move in together until we’re 30. So I’m supposed to spend the next 8 YEARS living on my own, continuing to do sleepovers with him, because we won’t be mature enough to get a place together until we’re 30.

I know it’s hard to comment because you don’t really know me, or him. But I have always been one of those women who want to get married and have kids young… In life, what I want most is love and a family of my own. I know I am too young for all that right now, but by the time I’m 30 I’d like to at least be married and hopefully thinking about kids. My parents love my boyfriend, his parents love me, his sisters like me and think it’s great. All my friends really like him, and keep telling me he’s awesome (the guy I dated before was a real loser and it took me over 2 years to see it, despite all my friends and family telling me so; even my ex’s parents told me I was too good for their son), everyone who knows me personally and is part of my personal/social life thinks it’s a good decision. We’re not rushing into it, we’re going to sit down (once I get a job) and figure out our budget, what we can and can’t afford… We’re trying to do this as maturely as possible.

So what do you think? In the end, it’s my life. Just because my one coworker married her horrid ex-husband (her words, not mine) and ended up miserable and divorced doesn’t mean I’m going to. And if I go through this relationship I’m in for the next 8 years NOT moving in together because we might break up… I just think that’s the wrong attitude all around. You can’t go through life thinking everything you do is going to fail. And what my coworkers were doing in their 20’s 20 or so years ago is NOT what people are doing today in their 20’s.

A note: I know I might get some comments that my coworkers just see that I’m all about my boyfriend, that I do nothing for myself and my whole life revolves around him. It doesn’t. I have started working out, for myself, eating healthier, for myself, I started a book club to make new friends, for myself, I am learning German because I feel like it, I plan evenings with my friends to hang out and do girl’s night, or let’s all (boyfriends included) go bowling night. In short, I have tons of things I do without my boyfriend that I do for myself, by myself or with friends.

And another note: I agree that my coworkers can have their own opinion and can voice it because they care about me, but they just keep bringing it up and they keep trying to convince me that they’re right. At first I said “I hear you, I will take your advice into consideration”, but they won’t leave it alone.

Sorry for the rant everyone. Anyone who has ever had a group of people try to tell you how to live your life knows where I’m coming from. Looking forward to seeing what you all have to say! And thanks again!

PS: I have lived on my own before, I'm just at home now because I went back to the school in my hometown, and it was easier to live at home than find another place and spend tons and tons of money. So I'm not going straight from parent's house to boyfriend's house. I have done the roommate thing.

2bFitNTrim

I'll make it short and brief. Honestly, I only read 1/2 way thru. Why? Because you are an adult now and can make your own decisions in life. Others may approve or disapprove....doesn't matter. It's not their life. It's yours.

It took me a long time to learn that, but once you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, you'll be so much happier. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Chiquita_Banana

hmm.. i was in the same situation... once i graduated school me n my boyfriend got engaged and moved in together... things worked out, some people said yes move in, some where against it especially my father... it worked out we got to know each other, but i was also with my now husband since i was 18... i didn't experience much as a single girl and kind of regret pushing things too fast.. but on the other hand because we did we have 2 wonderful twin boys, now life completely focused on them lol. but it's up to you, if you think you are ready to settle down then go for it, if you think you still may have an itch to live your own life more then don't... do what you feel will make YOU happy .. hope this helps=)

ertgreg

k.

spectarrr

Do what you want !!! If you are comfortable with moving in with this great guy do it!! Don't let anyone tell you not too, if its what ya'll are ready for then go for it!!

godblessourhome

i totally disagree with your co-workers. my husband and i met when i was 18, married when i was 21, had children together when i was 22 and 24. i love my life!!! i would never have waited around for 8 years (!!!) for him to propose and not live together and not build a life together. we are extremely happy with our choices! we have been married for 11 years and together for 14. i don't regret 'missing out' on bar-hopping and crazy, wild vacations and one-night-stands and traveling the world.

do what is best for you and him, not your co-workers.

RoadDog

I'm sorry. I know you are going to do what you are going to do, and I wish you the best of luck, but........

I think a person should be totally independent, financially secure and their own person, before moving in with someone romantically. I hate to see someone lose their identity in a relationship and, unfortunately, that can happen pretty easily when you are young. 22 is young. Doesn't seem like it to you now, but it is.

Sorry for the Daddy perspective. Good luck.

kimmerroze

http://mylordandmyblog.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/seven-reasons-why-living-together-before-marriage-is-not-a-good-idea/

http://www.rayfowler.org/2008/04/18/statistics-on-living-together-before-marriage/

http://www.suite101.com/content/living-together-before-marriage-a139472


Personally I am of the belief that moving in before marriage hurts the statistics of the relationship lasting... the above links are studies done about it...


But everyone has their own thoughts on the subject... just make sure to think it completely through...

there is something to be said about the comittment of a ring on your finger...

CaseyBee

Honestly, your coworkers don't really have any right to be telling you what to do. Friends, family, okay, but coworkers?
I personally don't believe in living together, and all MY coworkers thought I was crazy for not living with my husband before we got married. I worked in the gym at my university, so that might be a younger crowd than your coworkers, but that's not really my point.

My husband and I got married at 22, and we LOVE being married (24 almost 25 now). Our families both think highly of our choices, as far as spouses go. Lots of people told us we were "too young," but it always seemed more like their personal insecurities than anything else. Coming from a nondenominational Christian community, many of my friends from High School are married as well, and several already have kids.

All that to say, if you really feel right about it and your family isn't crawling up your butt about it, nobody else's opinion matters. And don't be afraid of getting married young.

greeneyed84

If both of you feel it's the right choice, then go for it! I only knew my man a little over a year when I moved out of.my Mom's house (we were 19) and into a new apartment together. 8 months later we got married at 20. We're celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary next month & are still going strong!
I think moving in with someone before you get married is a great way to learn new things about that person. You get to see how they are day to day, if you can live with all of their perks or not.

xnattiex

I say do what makes you happy! I moved in with my boyfriend when i was 21 (we had been together since we were 15 but thats not really the point) and we are now married and I am 23 and he is 24. Everyone takes their own individual path in life and if you want yours to be that you move in with your boyfriend, then i say go for it!

miriamtorason

Honest answer? DO IT.

I started dating a guy at 17. I stayed at my parents' house until I was 24 - when I married the guy. Within 18 months of getting married and moving in, the relationship was over. Irrevocably. It caused me a lot of heartache and stress, and years of therapy trying to recover. Had I moved in with him before I'd married him, I'd have saved myself a lot of grief, time, and money and pain. If you feel it is the right decision for you, DO IT. You are the one living this life, and it's up to you to be happy - nobody else can do that for you.

SaraTonin

Everyone will tell you NOT to do what you decide to do. I've been dating my boyfriend 3 years and we're not even living together. We either get the WHEN are you getting married? treatment or the PLEASE WAIT! treatment so do what feels right in your own relationship.

No relationship is the same.

MichelleWagner50

As someone who got married at 21, had my first at 24 and am now almost 37(YIKES!) with 3 kids, I can see both sides. I always wanted to be married and have kids young too. I LOVE my kids, my hubby and my life. But.... I do sometimes wish I had travelled before having the kids. I don't regret getting married young. My hubby and I will celebrate 16yrs of marriage in May & 20 yrs together in July. I think that wanting to be with your boyfriend and knowing that is most important for you.
You sound like you are thinking about things and not jumping into anything. There is a different level of commitment when you get married vs. just living together.
I don't know if this helps or not, but thought I would give you my two cents :-)
Good luck whatever you decide!! You will make the right decision for you!

erh2278

Don't worry about what other people think - most people want to make decisions for others because decisions they made in their own life didn't work out. My husband and I worked together for a year however, we really didn't know each other. I deployed to Saudi Arabia (Air Force) and when I returned in June we 'hooked up' - we got married that September! Needless to say EVERYONE said it wouldn't last, we were too young (early 20s), etc, etc. WELL...11 years later we are still married w/a son and couldn't be happier!!

You are the only one that knows what you want and how you feel so do what you know is good for you!!! I have always said that I am the only person that is going to wake up with me and go to bed with me until the day I die so I need to make sure she is happy!

Best of luck to you!!

vroyyoung

You need to follow your heart and ignore the stupid suggestions that you need to travel and do all those things before you get into a serious relationship. My husband and I moved in together when we were 22 and married later that year. We have gone on many trips together and had great adventures. The thing about "doing these things when you're young" is true, but they're all better when you're doing them with someone you love. During our marriage he achieved a masters degree, we both had great careers and wonderful friends. At 30, we started our greatest adventure - parenthood. Now at 37, he has a great career, I stay home with our two wonderful kids, and we're celebrating our 15 year wedding anniversary later in the year. And you know what? Kids are portable, we can travel and have adventures with them too. Experiencing life to the fullest does not need to be done alone, and is best when it's done with your best friend and true love. Good luck to you!

koosdel

Try this; "Thanks. I will be happy to consider your opinions and experiences. But you must understand, in the end this is my decision and I hope you can support me."

It worked for me. Except I didn't say the part about "...I hope you can support me." It was more like "...and you can shove that up your *** and light it *****'s!"

jaylu

i moved in with my bf when i we were 20 thought my mum act cried about me moving out but its been 4years and now we r getting married in aug
its your life to do what you want with it! if its a mistake and it dosent work out you'll learn from it and if it does work out then you'll be happy!
i when to uni and got my degrees etc but i had my bf the whole time and couldnt be happier - im not one for traveling some of my friends did the whole backpack thing - so not for me! my bf and i and sometimes a group of us go on a few sunny holidays and year and thats the way i like it! i cant wait to get married and have kids! and some people think im crazy for thinking that at my age and some people dont BUT if everyone in the world was the same/thought the same it would be a pretty boring place!!
good luck!

BrownEyedG1rl

I would do it too! Like you said, you are not getting married. There is nothing wrong with living together. I got married at 21 and i wish we would have waited and lived together before we got married but we didn't.

3ur3ka

Do what you want. If you think it'll be a good thing, do it. You're an adult. Make your own decisions.



I moved in with my now fiance when I was 18. That was almost 6 years ago. My life didn't end.. we did travelling. We did all sorts of stuff. We did all the "living" stuff. Together. Moving in with him was probably the best thing I ever did. Screw the statistics.

UntilNextTime

This is going to come out bad but I don't really know how to sugarcoat it: your first mistake was telling them that you would take their advice under consideration. If people believe that they have the power to influence your decision then they are going to continue to try to. Period. That wasn't really something I learned personally but I watched my older siblings get upset over adults telling them what they think they should do. My sister once complained that no one tries to give me advice and I told her because I don't give them the idea that taking their advice is an option.

chrissyh

Do what makes you happy.

I got married at 18, first child at 20 2nd child at 24...next month will be 21 years of marriage and we're still crazy in love. Worked great for us.

utes09

I say if you two want to move in together that's your decision. If YOU feel it's the right one, then do it!

It makes me laugh that your co-workers say you shouldn't get married until your 30's. Where I live the marriage rate is like 23ish for guys and around 20 for girls, with kids coming soon after. I got married just before I turned 22 and have been married almost three years. People keep asking when we're having kids....hell I still have A LOT of time.

In the end you have to do what will make you and your guy happy. I say move in!

WillPillageYourVillageForFood

Only you can decide what is right for you and your boyfriend. What worked or didn't work for someone else should have absolutely no bearing on your decision. If you are comfortable moving in with your boyfriend then do so, if not then get your own apartment. Since you are not contemplating doing something illegal then you really shouldn't worry about what others think or say to you.

XtLeavitt

You've already made up your mind about the moving in and I agree, do what you want it's your life and it sounds like you've thought it through. As far as the coworkers... they are coworkers and not friends or family so they don't really get a say in your life. If you haven't told them in plain English as tactfully as possible to butt out, then do that first. If they still keep giving unwanted advice just ignore it by redirecting to something going on in their lives. When they say, "you really shouldn't blah blah blah" just respond with, "so did you ever figure out that situation with so and so" Everyone has some situation they are dealing with and this will do two things, one, take the focus off you and two, hopefully remind them that they don't have all the answers and shouldn't act like they do. Good Luck.

Mindful_Trent

So what do you think? In the end, it’s my life. Just because my one coworker married her horrid ex-husband (her words, not mine) and ended up miserable and divorced doesn’t mean I’m going to. And if I go through this relationship I’m in for the next 8 years NOT moving in together because we might break up… I just think that’s the wrong attitude all around. You can’t go through life thinking everything you do is going to fail. And what my coworkers were doing in their 20’s 20 or so years ago is NOT what people are doing today in their 20’s.

I think you already know the answer. Your life is not your coworkers' lives. Your personality is yours. Your goals/dreams/desires are yours. What is right for someone else isn't necessarily right for you. Not everyone has the desire to do the "wild and crazy" thing (I haven't yet, and I'm 27) - there's nothing wrong with *knowing* you've found someone you want to settle down with. If you move in with your boyfriend and things end up not working out, then you'll cross that bridge when you get there, but you have to do what's right for you.

That said, moving-in together definitely makes things more complicated. You mentioned marriage is NOT on the table right now - I'd just be absolutely sure you're both interested in something long-term before taking this step. I've made the mistake of moving in with people too soon, and it can make things much more difficult than if you maintain separate living-arrangements. If you haven't already, you need to sit down and have a "define the relationship" talk and make sure you both understand why each other wants to move in together and that you are both on the same wavelength.

Vanishing_Gordies

In the end, only you have to deal with the consequences (be they good or bad) of your actions. I've been with my hubby since I was 21 and I couldn't be happier. Do what makes you happy. If they still won't shut up about it just let them know that it touches you they care so deeply about your well-being; however, this makes you happy. And if they truly cared they would quit nagging you about it. Besides, how can you ever truly learn something without going thru it yourself? You can't go off of the words of others because every situation - every person is different.

Sidenote - I can't stand when ppl comment on how this is mfp and certain topics shouldn't be broached. The fact is EVERYTHING under the sun affects weight loss and one's well-being. Especially if you are an emotional eater, like many of us are. Besides - looks like this was posted in the proper forum so lay off. She's looking for advice and I hope she got it.

K - I'll get off my soapbox now.

skhny

move in together but do not go into debt together - no joint loans, credit cards, bank accounts, car loans, etc.... that way if it doesn't work out you can walk away,probably with a broken heart but at least not in debt up to your eyeballs!!

CallejaFairey

it sounds like you don't really need any advice. you sound like you know what you want, have considered all possibilities, and know what the right decision for you is. if anything, i would say you need to be firmer with the coworkers. tell them to butt out, you are your own person and besides, if it is a mistake, well, it will be something to learn from. but honestly, it doesn't sound like it will be. not all relationships are meant to be in the end, but i firmly believe all of them are there to teach you something about yourself. how will you learn if you don't do?

i have had 2 boyfriends, both serious. first when i was your age, and i wish we had gotten to really live together. even though it didn't work out, i am fully convinced i would have realized what an *kitten* he was sooner if we had lived together! lol. and my second, and current, well, he lives in the States, while i am in Canada. living together would not be the easiest thing to accomplish atm. that is my ultimate goal, but so far it's been 2 and a half years and still nothing...lol.

so go for it and have fun.

Ding724

Don't let other people make the decision for you. Do what's best for YOU!!! Only you & your boyfriend know where you're at in your relationship. They are trying to protect you, but you are 22 years old and can make your own decisions. I am also 22 years old & have been married to my amazing husband for almost 2 years now. A lot of people told me that I was too young to know what I was doing, but most of the people that told me that didn't know me well or him. You are the one that has to live with your decision, so don't let others make it for you.

Side note: I didn't live with my husband before we got married though, so don't think that I'm trying to say that I know what you're going through, just that I understand what it's like to have people think they know what's best for your life when in reality they don't :flowerforyou:

godblessourhome

move in together but do not go into debt together - no joint loans, credit cards, bank accounts, car loans, etc.... that way if it doesn't work out you can walk away,probably with a broken heart but at least not in debt up to your eyeballs!!

this is really great advice!