ADVICE NEEDED - "adults" telling me that what I want to do i

chrissyh

Do what makes you happy.

I got married at 18, first child at 20 2nd child at 24...next month will be 21 years of marriage and we're still crazy in love. Worked great for us.

utes09

I say if you two want to move in together that's your decision. If YOU feel it's the right one, then do it!

It makes me laugh that your co-workers say you shouldn't get married until your 30's. Where I live the marriage rate is like 23ish for guys and around 20 for girls, with kids coming soon after. I got married just before I turned 22 and have been married almost three years. People keep asking when we're having kids....hell I still have A LOT of time.

In the end you have to do what will make you and your guy happy. I say move in!

WillPillageYourVillageForFood

Only you can decide what is right for you and your boyfriend. What worked or didn't work for someone else should have absolutely no bearing on your decision. If you are comfortable moving in with your boyfriend then do so, if not then get your own apartment. Since you are not contemplating doing something illegal then you really shouldn't worry about what others think or say to you.

XtLeavitt

You've already made up your mind about the moving in and I agree, do what you want it's your life and it sounds like you've thought it through. As far as the coworkers... they are coworkers and not friends or family so they don't really get a say in your life. If you haven't told them in plain English as tactfully as possible to butt out, then do that first. If they still keep giving unwanted advice just ignore it by redirecting to something going on in their lives. When they say, "you really shouldn't blah blah blah" just respond with, "so did you ever figure out that situation with so and so" Everyone has some situation they are dealing with and this will do two things, one, take the focus off you and two, hopefully remind them that they don't have all the answers and shouldn't act like they do. Good Luck.

Mindful_Trent

So what do you think? In the end, it’s my life. Just because my one coworker married her horrid ex-husband (her words, not mine) and ended up miserable and divorced doesn’t mean I’m going to. And if I go through this relationship I’m in for the next 8 years NOT moving in together because we might break up… I just think that’s the wrong attitude all around. You can’t go through life thinking everything you do is going to fail. And what my coworkers were doing in their 20’s 20 or so years ago is NOT what people are doing today in their 20’s.

I think you already know the answer. Your life is not your coworkers' lives. Your personality is yours. Your goals/dreams/desires are yours. What is right for someone else isn't necessarily right for you. Not everyone has the desire to do the "wild and crazy" thing (I haven't yet, and I'm 27) - there's nothing wrong with *knowing* you've found someone you want to settle down with. If you move in with your boyfriend and things end up not working out, then you'll cross that bridge when you get there, but you have to do what's right for you.

That said, moving-in together definitely makes things more complicated. You mentioned marriage is NOT on the table right now - I'd just be absolutely sure you're both interested in something long-term before taking this step. I've made the mistake of moving in with people too soon, and it can make things much more difficult than if you maintain separate living-arrangements. If you haven't already, you need to sit down and have a "define the relationship" talk and make sure you both understand why each other wants to move in together and that you are both on the same wavelength.

Vanishing_Gordies

In the end, only you have to deal with the consequences (be they good or bad) of your actions. I've been with my hubby since I was 21 and I couldn't be happier. Do what makes you happy. If they still won't shut up about it just let them know that it touches you they care so deeply about your well-being; however, this makes you happy. And if they truly cared they would quit nagging you about it. Besides, how can you ever truly learn something without going thru it yourself? You can't go off of the words of others because every situation - every person is different.

Sidenote - I can't stand when ppl comment on how this is mfp and certain topics shouldn't be broached. The fact is EVERYTHING under the sun affects weight loss and one's well-being. Especially if you are an emotional eater, like many of us are. Besides - looks like this was posted in the proper forum so lay off. She's looking for advice and I hope she got it.

K - I'll get off my soapbox now.

skhny

move in together but do not go into debt together - no joint loans, credit cards, bank accounts, car loans, etc.... that way if it doesn't work out you can walk away,probably with a broken heart but at least not in debt up to your eyeballs!!

CallejaFairey

it sounds like you don't really need any advice. you sound like you know what you want, have considered all possibilities, and know what the right decision for you is. if anything, i would say you need to be firmer with the coworkers. tell them to butt out, you are your own person and besides, if it is a mistake, well, it will be something to learn from. but honestly, it doesn't sound like it will be. not all relationships are meant to be in the end, but i firmly believe all of them are there to teach you something about yourself. how will you learn if you don't do?

i have had 2 boyfriends, both serious. first when i was your age, and i wish we had gotten to really live together. even though it didn't work out, i am fully convinced i would have realized what an *kitten* he was sooner if we had lived together! lol. and my second, and current, well, he lives in the States, while i am in Canada. living together would not be the easiest thing to accomplish atm. that is my ultimate goal, but so far it's been 2 and a half years and still nothing...lol.

so go for it and have fun.

Ding724

Don't let other people make the decision for you. Do what's best for YOU!!! Only you & your boyfriend know where you're at in your relationship. They are trying to protect you, but you are 22 years old and can make your own decisions. I am also 22 years old & have been married to my amazing husband for almost 2 years now. A lot of people told me that I was too young to know what I was doing, but most of the people that told me that didn't know me well or him. You are the one that has to live with your decision, so don't let others make it for you.

Side note: I didn't live with my husband before we got married though, so don't think that I'm trying to say that I know what you're going through, just that I understand what it's like to have people think they know what's best for your life when in reality they don't :flowerforyou:

godblessourhome

move in together but do not go into debt together - no joint loans, credit cards, bank accounts, car loans, etc.... that way if it doesn't work out you can walk away,probably with a broken heart but at least not in debt up to your eyeballs!!

this is really great advice!

jazzminx

I had the same thing happen to me in a way. When my husband and I started dating, he was living with friends and I was living with my parents (it was just easier at the time). Well, we decided we wanted to move in together since I was spending so much time at his house anyway and I think one of his roommates didn't like that I wasn't contributing my own share of the rent. Anyway, we decided we wanted to move in together even though we had only been dating for 6 months. My parents loved him and felt it was our decision and wished us the best. I had a few co-workers who said we were rushing and it was a horrible idea and we would eventually break up. Well, we ended up getting engaged about 2 months later and were married one month before we had been dating for a year. We've been together now for 7 1/2 years, have 2 wonderful children, own our house, and I don't think we could be happier. This was when I was 21 and he was 23. I know I don't regret "missing out" on my youth because we still do the things that make us happy. It doesn't matter what others think, you need to follow your heart and do whatever you feel is right. Good luck to you.

ramseyrose

You are 22; an adult and capable of making your own decisions. I moved in with my husband at 19 and I married him when I was 25.

He was/is my friend. We travelled together, made new friends together as well as our own friends and we have been together for 24 years and still happy with 3 lovely children.

Ignore your coworkers, do what you feel is right and IF things go wrong (which could be after 20 months or twenty years) then you will find out who your friends really are.

Good luck with the house-hunting.

FullOfSpice

Well, I think the reason why your co-workers disagree with your situation is just because there is a possibility you start to lose yourself when you move in with someone. My bf is staying with me now, and we have a good share of arguements, but I realized since we see eachother all the time, we take it for granted. He stopped trying in the relationship and so I started to feel like I wasn't worth his attention. Sometimes its nice to have space from each other while you are still developing your relationship. Then again, you really don't know a person until you live with them. I've "lived" with bf's in the past, and its been difficult and it ultimately ended our relationship b/c we couldn't handle living together and bigger problems arose.

Its really up to you, and I'm sure your coworkers are just looking out for you. You don't realize how great it is to live alone until you actually try it. I used to be terrified of that idea, but sometimes its really the only way I want to have it...

ebkins7

Who cares what they think! This is your life and you are the one that is going to be responsible for your own decisions. Do I agree with you, no, but that's my opinion. In the end you can thank them for their concern, opinions and whatnot but this is your decision to make!

NikkisNewStart

I only made it to the first paragraph.

You have made your decision. The next time a co-worker mentions their concerns to you, politely tell them that you were not asking for their permission. You have heard their opinions loud and clear and have made your final decision to move in together. Politely inform them that if they continue to make you feel defensive about your own life after you have informed them of your decision, that you will have no choice but to end your friendship and will only converse with them on matters related to work. Grow some balls. You are 22. By the time I was 22 I was married with 2 kids, kicking *kitten* and taking names. Get on it girl!

fitmom4ever

I am 23 and very very happily married with 2 children. We had a whirlwind courtship, moving in together almost right away and getting married within a year of our first date. There were tons of people that supported us, and many others that thought we were moving too fast and that I should have a life first. But in the end, we were adults that made our own decision to follow our hearts and do what we knew was best for us, as you and your boyfriend should do. Yes, the naysayers may anger you, but learn to let it go or use the frustration to fuel your determination to prove them wrong.
You seem to know what you want out of life (family, children), go after it. Think about it, talk about it seriously with your boyfriend and come to a mutual decision that is best for you guys. Consider everything that your co-workers (who I am sure only mean the best) have said, but know that the choice is yours, not theirs.
That having been said, I have no regrets about my marriage or my children, but there are plenty of times that I would like to go out and act like a crazy 20-some year old kid, but choose instead to stay home and be a responsible mother. There are things you miss out on starting a family young, but there are so many truly wonderful rewards in it as well.
Think about it, talk about it thoroughly, and then make a decision that you can follow through on with no regrets. Best of luck!

LuckyLeprechaun

doesn't matter about age. It really doesn't. I moved in with someone at 19 and it didn't work. I moved in with someone else at 22 and I'm still with him, more than a decade later.


From your description, it sounds like a great relationship that you value and benefit from. So go pursue it and see what life has in store. Even if things don't work out between you, you will have learned a great deal about yourself and life in the real world and all that adulthood has to offer and teach you.

Go for it.

Someone said....Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

Mariposa187

People always want to give their "two cents" about other people's lives. Remember this is YOUR life and although they may have your best interests in mind only you know yourself. I am 22 and I married last year July. It was the best decision of my life. I have been with my spouse for six years and I have never lived on my own. I went straight from living with my mother to living with my husband. I personally did not want to live with him without being married but that is my personal religious decision. I think that if you feel this is right and what you want then go for it! Not everyone wants to have the "wildlife" experience. I know that I did not. I had some fun but im not really into the drink till i dont remember and have crazy almost went to jail experiences. You can travel with your boyfriend if you would like.

I think it your choice and they can just deal with it! In the end its your life and you have to do whats right. If it turns out to be a mistake, learn from it and move on. Trial and error! Good luck!

ramseyrose

I think a person should be totally independent, financially secure and their own person,

Who said she isnt financially secure?

SueInAz

I can only give you my personal experience and let you decide for yourself how to interpret it.

I met my husband in 1984 when I was 18 and he was almost 21. We moved in together in '87, got married in '88 and had our son in '89. All told, we've now been together for 27 years and will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary in June. We are the rare exception and I know it. Keep that point in mind. Most early marriages end in custody battles and child support payments. I'm not saying yours will, but the odds are the odds and it's something to keep in mind as you make your decisions. Money will probably be tight, especially if you have kids right away, and you will fight. It's how you handle those situations that will make or break your marriage.

When we were young, my husband and I had SO many things in common that we seemed perfect for each other. He's a great guy, he's never raised a hand in my direction and we rarely fight. That doesn't mean that it's been perfect and it certainly hasn't been easy. We've grown apart in a lot of ways over the years. We no longer have so much in common and we have hobbies that we do alone. We almost separated about 5 years ago. On the bad days, I wish we had. Most of the time, it's just status quo. You and your boyfriend will change over the years. Don't think you won't, because it's bound to happen. Again, it's how you handle those changes that will make the difference. It sounds like you already have your own hobbies, which is a good idea. You don't want to be completely joined at the hip in your free time. Make sure you both have a good understanding on what you want and what you expect out of things like: "If we have kids, will we both work? Will one of us stay home? How will we make ends meet on one income/with the added cost of child care?"

I've never been on my own. There are times when I seriously feel like I missed out on a lot of the "fun" my sisters had in their early and mid-20s. I think I would have liked to have tried living on my own. Here's another good example: My grandparents were married for 67 years when my grandfather passed away. For the next 6 years of her life, my grandmother missed him every day and yet over those years I watched her blossom into a completely different person. She was outgoing, she was witty, she went to the casino with her friends, she sang karaoke. She had been in the shadow of my extremely outgoing and funny grandfather for so long that her personality was only a shadow of his until he was no longer there to shade her.

All of this said, your co-workers are out of line, but I'm sure they are only doing it because they care about you and want you to benefit from their "experience". My advice would be to politely but firmly explain to them that you are old enough to make your own decisions, and while you value their input, you have made your decision and you hope that they respect you enough to accept it. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do. I hope your life is a long and happy one.