ADVICE NEEDED - "adults" telling me that what I want to do i

Cristy_AZ

I'll make it short and brief. Honestly, I only read 1/2 way thru. Why? Because you are an adult now and can make your own decisions in life. Others may approve or disapprove....doesn't matter. It's not their life. It's yours.

It took me a long time to learn that, but once you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, you'll be so much happier. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

I agree exactly!!!

JJs25th

Okay....one big question... you love him. I assume he loves you (and that you know this to be a true statement.) Why aren't you getting married? Contary to popular belief Marriage is not about love, or even commitment -- it is about building a life together and loving each other enough to protect what you build. Marriage is a legally binding contract that protects both of you (and any children you have) -- whether or not the marriage succeeds or fails. Our laws are written to protect married couples. If something happens to him, and he is hospitalized, in many states it is up to an individual hospital's policy as to whether or not you would be allowed to even see him; let alone make decisions for him if necessary. As a marrried couple -- you are both afforded legal status in matters of insurance, home ownership, child rearing, and retirement planning, just to name a few things; that are not there if you are not married. Why do you think there is such a movement for same-sex-marriage right now? It certainly isn't for the tax benefits!

You two are already discussing building a life and having a future. I applaude you for thinking that you should be going into this for the "Long Haul" and not focusing on "what if it fails". Just realize that the protections of marriage extend to even those marriages that succeed. If you are serious about building a life together, unless there are other legal concerns, "moving in" should only be a short term thing on the way to a predetermined wedding date.

As to "what people should do in their twenties"...I must have missed that memo! I spent mine in college getting an education so I could help build the life I share with my husband whom I met in high school and have been married to for 27 years!

TrainingWithTonya

Next time the nosy biddy-bodies mouth off, tell them that you aren't stupid enough to marry the first loser that comes along like they did. You're smart enough to take this car for a test drive before you tie yourself to him for life. You may find that you can't stand him once you live with his habits day in and day out, at which point you'll be glad that you just moved in and didn't get married yet so you can easily move back out. But then again, you may be lucky like I was and realize after living with him for a year or two that yes, indeed, he is your other half. It's your life. Enjoy it. And don't worry about what co-workers or anyone else thinks.

rockabyesarojane

From these last bits here i think you've made valid arguments. you were respectful of the fact that your coworkers wanted to give advice and did not immediately dismiss it, and having lived on your own you will most likely not have urealistic expectations of how it is to live out from under the parental roof, not to mention that if all your friends and family support your relationship then is sure sounds to me like you've got it all together.

You seem to function fine with or without him. It's very healthy that you guys are able to spend time apart. I say do want you want to do. And if your co-workers keep harping on it you can just say:

that you took their advice under consideration but that it just feels right to you and since your family is behind it seemed that the choice for you was obvious, but thanks so much for caring. (ya know. SOMETHING like that) in an IDEAL world; that should satisfy them- but at least maybe they wont bug you AS MUCH.

Congratulations by the way, and good luck to you.

A note: I know I might get some comments that my coworkers just see that I’m all about my boyfriend, that I do nothing for myself and my whole life revolves around him. It doesn’t. I have started working out, for myself, eating healthier, for myself, I started a book club to make new friends, for myself, I am learning German because I feel like it, I plan evenings with my friends to hang out and do girl’s night, or let’s all (boyfriends included) go bowling night. In short, I have tons of things I do without my boyfriend that I do for myself, by myself or with friends.

And another note: I agree that my coworkers can have their own opinion and can voice it because they care about me, but they just keep bringing it up and they keep trying to convince me that they’re right. At first I said “I hear you, I will take your advice into consideration”, but they won’t leave it alone.

Sorry for the rant everyone. Anyone who has ever had a group of people try to tell you how to live your life knows where I’m coming from. Looking forward to seeing what you all have to say! And thanks again!

PS: I have lived on my own before, I'm just at home now because I went back to the school in my hometown, and it was easier to live at home than find another place and spend tons and tons of money. So I'm not going straight from parent's house to boyfriend's house. I have done the roommate thing.

AdamATGATT

Do what is best for you.

Personally, I am against moving in together before marriage. It hasn't worked out for anyone I know (including my brother), but that's not true for everyone. I met my wife in high school, started dating senior year, and maintained our relationship through college. She attended university about 700 miles away and in another country, so that made things pretty different. We stayed together and a month after both graduating, married. Four days later moved across the US to the West Coast, where we have been for the past four years.

We don't miss anything. I am her first serious (or actual) relationship. She is my second (or third) serious relationship. Do we feel like we've missed anything out of life? Nope! Because we have someone to share it with. That's the great thing about marriage...someone to share our experiences with and be loved and remembered by.

rockabyesarojane

move in together but do not go into debt together - no joint loans, credit cards, bank accounts, car loans, etc.... that way if it doesn't work out you can walk away,probably with a broken heart but at least not in debt up to your eyeballs!!

agreed. save that one for the marriage part!

romanhokie

I had the same thought that JJs25th had. Why do you not want to get married?

I'm in school now (2nd career) in Marriage and Family Therapy, and I get the statistics and the studies and the whole 9 yards. I'm not going to cite any of that because it doesn't matter. Frankly, I'm not sure why you posted. You seem to have your mind made up as to your selected course of action. I don't mean that negatively. After all, a lot of people look for the opinions of others when their minds are already made up - and, yes, it bugs them when people disagree with them.

I think it would make more sense to consider what's really going on here. What is this about, for you? What is motivating this queston, this situation, etc? Sure, it's about what you ultimately want, for youself and for your relationships (I put that in plural because your decision, contrary to popular opinion, will affect more than just the central relationship with your boyfriend or even your relationships with your parents. Now, you can say that other people's opinions don't matter, but they do. They will affect how those other people relate to you.

I'm 37 and have been married for 13 years and have daughters 10 and 8. My wife and I did not live together until after we got engaged and that period of time was less than 5 months before our wedding. I had my own place in her apartment building, but I admit, it stayed vacant quite a bit. I am not sure about what I expect for my children, but I hope that they can come to me with what's going on in their lives (when they're older) and trust that I won't go ape$4!t on them.

What are you hoping to GAIN by living together? What do you think you'll not be GIVING UP living together?

Ultimately, too, what we do DOES affect others. Sure, it was more obvious 125 years ago when communities were small and, if something bad happened, the community rallied around the person who endured whatever misfortune. But, our actions still have consequences - and we never know what they might be.

I wish you well.

That_Girl

My thing is, if you're soliciting advice from strangers, then you aren't really sure of your decision.

I lived with 2 men in my life. One became my husband. After the first man I lived with, I lived alone for MANY YEARS. I hated living with that man LOL...omg...

If you want to be married to him someday, make sure he's on the same page or else you'll be in a house with someone whom you want to marry and who doesn't want to marry you. It's frustrating and prison-like.

I lived with my husband for 1.5 years before we were married. We've been married almost 2 years and it's just as awesome as when we lived together.

Do what you want to do but be SOLID in your choice.

porcelain_doll

Do what is best for you.

Personally, I am against moving in together before marriage. It hasn't worked out for anyone I know (including my brother), but that's not true for everyone. I met my wife in high school, started dating senior year, and maintained our relationship through college. She attended university about 700 miles away and in another country, so that made things pretty different. We stayed together and a month after both graduating, married. Four days later moved across the US to the West Coast, where we have been for the past four years.

We don't miss anything. I am her first serious (or actual) relationship. She is my second (or third) serious relationship. Do we feel like we've missed anything out of life? Nope! Because we have someone to share it with. That's the great thing about marriage...someone to share our experiences with and be loved and remembered by.

I am the same. I am also against moving in together before marriage for many reasons. But I'm not here to try and push them down your throat or debate them with anybody else. Your life is your business. You sound like your mind is made up, and you are a bit upset that your co-workers were not in full agreement with you. It isn't worth getting mad about. Getting that upset over it sounds to me like you are not 100% secure with your decision-making skills or confidence. That's not an insult, either, so please don't take it that way. When you feel sure about something, make sure you are really sure. And you'll know when you are, because you will no longer need any advice or viewpoints from anybody else.

kitchentales

Wow, I did not think I would get that many response, but thanks to everyone who threw in their 2-cents! I can't respond to everyone individually, but I'll answer some of the questions that came up, in case anyone is curious.

First, we are not getting married right away because we talked about it and agreed we both want to live together for at least a few months before getting engaged. However, marriage is on the table, and we both know that if/when we move in together, unless we break up, we will get married within the next few years.

Second, trust me, finances are staying separate for the first bit. I have friends who put everything together within a week of getting their place together, and I thought it was a mistake. But thank you to everyone who said that! Glad to know that others think the same as me.

And thanks to everyone for sharing their personal experiences! I'm really appreciative, and I was thrilled to hear from others who got together with someone around my age and are still with them. I posted this because I learned in the past that when a group of people are saying something, you should pause and consider it. Yes, they are my coworkers and not friends/family, but I still listen and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't being a stubborn child when I decided to not take their advice.

I can't thank everyone enough for the advice! Even those who don't agree with moving in together before marriage - I like hearing from you as well. Everyone has a right to their opinion, and I have always believed in thinking things through from all sides before making a decision.

erickirb

I moved in with my now wife when I was 23, she was 22, a year and a half later we got engaged, 10 months later got marred, and have been married for 6 years now and have a 5 month old son. I don't think there should be an issue if you want to do it. Just ignore them and do what is right for you. If it doesn't workout then you can get a place of your own, no harm in trying, and you will get to know each other even better than you do already. Good luck.

LuckyLeprechaun

I had the same thought that JJs25th had. Why do you not want to get married?

are you guys serious? She's too young to be making a marriage decision. IMHO. First boyfriend ever and you are pressuring her to marry him?
EYE ROLL.


NO. BAD!


edited to add, It's up to you to decide who, when and if you want to marry. THAT should be ultimately up to you and the spouse. But I think along these lines: if this is the man I will be happy marrying, that will still be true tomorrow and in 6 months and in 5 years. Not everyone waits as long as I did to marry their spouse, but the timeline should be when it is right for you. NOBODY else.

susiewusie

I got married at 18 had 2 children and was divorced by the time I was about 22 ,was just me and the boys for the next 10 years I went out and had fun maybe once a week when the boys stayed with my mam and dad ,I then met my partner and within 1 week he had moved in we are still together 20 years later ,no one said it would last but if you love someone and know what you want things will work out .
Good luck in whatever you choose to do .

hroush

I say it's better to move in with the possible other half before you get married because you learn things about them that you wouldn't have otherwise. When you discover these little "quarks", you can ask yourself if you can put up with said quarks for another 40-50 years. It's much easier and cheaper to get out of a cosigned apartment / house than a marriage.

I lived with my wife before we were married for over a year and I think we are better for it. I think it relieves some of the stress from the marriage and immediately after as there will be less drastic change. To us, all that changed after we were married were titles (fiance to wife, etc.).

romanhokie

are you guys serious?

Yes, I am. If good relationship skills have been modeled, that's the important thing. That's why the divorce statistic is higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages. Many people have not learned good relationship (including arguing) skills in their earlier marriages. The issue isn't always the other spouse. Sometimes it is, sometimes, it isn't.

22 may be young, but if you BOTH have the skills and COMMITMENT to it, you can do it and have a beautiful marriage. 100 years ago, there was little to no divorce - certainly nothing hovering around the 50% statistic we have today. And people were getting married younger. Am I the only one who is fascinated by that?

BTW, I was 24 and my bride was 29 when we wed.

Brucifer55

The fact you are so angry means you are giving too much power to your co-workers in the first place. Getting wanted or unwanted advice is always a part of life...you seek it now from this forum. I don't have to know you to give you my opinion...in the end, you are the only one who is going to suffer the consequences of your actions. In the end, the only one that really needs to know you, is YOU. It is not selfish to consider what's in your best interest and act on that. Why do you want to move in with someone in the first place? Is it to make sex more convenient...carpool...split the rent...not come home to an empty house? In the beginning of any relationship, the mind is under a chemically induced fantasy. After 3-6 months, a year at the very most, you know whether the person is right for you...or you're just in denial. Waiting until you are both through college, or you have good jobs, or can buy a house, go into debt, not go into debt...all of these things are completely incidental. At 10...15...20 years down the line, will this person change with you? Will it matter to you if he doesn't? Will he accept it when you change, because trust me...you are going to change. What you think is important to you now, in many cases will seem so trivial down the road. Wait eight years??? In eight years you won't even recognize each other. If you don't know him by now, you never will. But if it's just for the sex.....

Mad_Dog_Muscle

Hi.... your right, none of us know you and can't pretend to tell you what is best for you. But, in general terms your co-workers may be projecting some of their bad experiences onto you. In their eyes, they are most likely not trying to be mean, but merely trying to help you. The world is full of people that dated, married in thier 20s and divorced in their 30s or 40s and many of them blame "getting married too young" as the cause.
If one had to "generalize" things, people and their outlook on life change as they go through their 20s. Again, this is a broad generalization. Its no secret that we all mature at some piont. Hopefully the things we did when we were 22 are not as fun and important as what we do when are 32. (Well, there was that week in New Orleans at Mardi Gras that would still be fun today,.... But I digress).
As I was saying, your story reminds me of someone I know and love very much. My nephew. He married young (19). Married the first and only girl he ever dated. I was so against it. I thought he should have dated longer, perhaps date someone else, experience life a little. I had projected my experiences onto him. I went to college, went into the Navy, traveled the world, and have spent most of the last 20 years traveling the world. Throughout my 20s and 30s I literally partied on 6 continents and over 90 countries around the world. I was very fortunate in my career choice. I wanted him to experience some of that! He didnt need to leave the US, but I still wished for him to enjoy his 20s. Well, that "boy" became a man. He is 29 now and they are still married with 2 beautiful kids. Basically, I was wrong to project my wishes and what I "thought" was best for him.

As for your situation, it sounds like you know what you want in life. It sounds like you have a great guy and you guys are happy so to hell with what others think. Like you said, you are just moving in together, not planning to get married. I think that is pretty smart to be honest. As someone else said, the worse that happens is, it doesnt work out and you guys go your own way and get your own place. Bottom line, go with your gut instinct and do what is right for you!! Your certainly an adult capable of making your own decisions. I wish you all the best!!

kitchentales

I had the same thought that JJs25th had. Why do you not want to get married?

are you guys serious? She's too young to be making a marriage decision. IMHO. First boyfriend ever and you are pressuring her to marry him?
EYE ROLL.


NO. BAD!

Just a note, he is NOT my first boyfriend. And I can see their perspective as well, it's a valid one to ask why not get married, moving in together is the same or close to the same level of commitment, for some people. But thank you for coming to my defense, I do appreciate the perspective and advice!

Dauntlessness

I read like half of it too.It is easy to see what is actually wrong. There are too many cooks in the kitchen. You seem like your taking everyone else's advice AND involving them too much in your relationship. A solid relationship doesn't need more then 2 people to sort things out. You need to quiet them down then you will be able to make a more sound decision because it will be how you feel, not how they feel.

JJs25th

Yes I was serious about marrying him -- but NO it was not pressure to marry. The orginal note gave the very distinct impression that (as was confirmed) marriage had been discussed. I was mearly pointing out that it has legal advantages that should be considered if you are actually taking the steps to live together.

I am getting the impression I may be one of the "older" people in this thread (tho I hope not). I met my husband when I was 17 he was 18. I was his first and only girlfriend -- ever. He was not my first boyfirend, though he was my first if you take my meaning. He proposed when we were in college -- I was 22. I accepted under the condition that we each finish our degrees at our respective schools FIRST! Though we were 500 miles apart we did, and married 4 years later. We have been married 27 years this year and we have one 21 year old son. Has it been a picnic? Sometimes...sometimes it has been (and is) absolutely wonderful. And sometimes it has been absolute h**l. But that is life. You enjoy the good times; you work together to get through the bad. Has is been worth it? ABSOLUTELY!!! I told him once that I fell into the blue of his eyes the night we met and I have yet to find my way out. My heart still goes "bump" when he pulls into the driveway each night.

DancingFox

I'm 27... Live with my boyfriend in our own house. Obviously, I see no problem with the decision of what you want to do, considering that's exactly what I'm doing. And who says you can travel and do fun and crazy things just because you live with your boyfriend??? Do them! And take him along! He's your partner in crime, after all!

jamie78

Coming from a Christian point of view I think you should be married before you live together.
But you are an adult and can choose what you feel is best for you. best of luck to you..

ShellyMacchi

and you care what your co-workers think.. why?

kitchentales

and you care what your co-workers think.. why?

It's so much easier to say it doesn't matter what others think vs actually not care what others think. Mostly I needed to get it off my chest, and I've found this community to be very friendly and supportive. Unfortunately I can't edit my post to say that it's also me needing to get things off my chest. Oh well.

toalwaysbeme

I dont know why you're giving so much energy, credit or validation to coworkers who dont even know you as well as your family does. Honestly you shouldnt even ask them their opinion on personal matters. Im glad your family is all for it and are supportive. If in the future you need to ask an opinion from friends or coworkers remind them that ITS ONLY AN OPINION and NOT THER DECISION.

My son is 22 and I feel Ive raised him to make mostly good judgements and decisions just as your family feels. The fact that youre not rushing into it and have thought about all the nuances that go with it tells me your pretty smart and doing it the right way. So stick to your guns babe and move in with him. That'll shut em all up for a while.

If they dont, then ask them if you can move in with THEM. That'll definitely shut their traps.

kitchentales

I dont know why you're giving so much energy, credit or validation to coworkers who dont even know you as well as your family does. Honestly you shouldnt even ask them their opinion on personal matters. Im glad your family is all for it and are supportive. If in the future you need to ask an opinion from friends or coworkers remind them that ITS ONLY AN OPINION and NOT THER DECISION.

My son is 22 and I feel Ive raised him to make mostly good judgements and decisions just as your family feels. The fact that youre not rushing into it and have thought about all the nuances that go with it tells me your pretty smart and doing it the right way. So stick to your guns babe and move in with him. That'll shut em all up for a while.

If they dont, then ask them if you can move in with THEM. That'll definitely shut their traps.

Haha, thanks! I like your last suggestion! I may actually put that into effect with some of them, haha.

Just to clarify though - I never asked for their opinion(s). The only people I've asked about it are my boyfriend (obviously), my parents, and my closest friends. If I'd asked for their opinion, it would be a totally different matter. BUT THANKS!!! I am trying my hardest to just ignore it all and not care. And I'm totally ready to just walk away next time someone brings it up at work.

MsPitt

I'm currently 31 and have never lived completely by myself. I've always had family or roommates, and now I have my husband. I love them all, but I do feel I missed out on some things by never living alone.

You may have a completely different experience. Or you may look back in 10 years and wish you'd done things differently.

When I was age 22 most people I knew couldn't really grasp the concept that you only get one life, and there are no do-overs. I certainly didn't 'get it' back then. That truth didn't surface until we'd been out of our parents' homes for 5+ years or so.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

lupuslady

I got married at 21, finacee was 22, 42 yrs ago. I thought he was funny, handsome, smart, and we were very happy for a long time.
But people change, so if you are happy and want to move in with him I say go for it.

But be very aware, people really do change, the secret is for both of you to change at the same time.

So always talk talk talk. Good luck, move in with him, but put a time limit on how long you will live together without the benefit of marriage.