I need boyfriend advice.
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Juliet,
I did not smack anyone over the head with anything. She asked our (my) opinion and that is just what it is. Just because its different than yours dosnt mean I have to keep quiet. I did it in the odered stated and I've been happily married to my husband for going on 23 years. It worked for me and I wanted to tell what worked for me. I also happen to believe in it.
Statistics state that more people get divorced that move in together before marrage than who more in after marrage.
Just sayin............you have you opinion and I have mine. State yours and leave me alone. Don't go bashing me because its different from yours.
1. She asked for opinions regarding how to deal with the issue of feeling she and her boyfriend may be incompatible. Her comment about them moving in together was completely tangential; at no time did she indicate she was looking for advice or opinions about that matter, and you know it, so quit being so disingenuous, pretending you really believe she wanted your advice about the matter you commented on.
2. I do not feel that you need to keep quiet in general, I feel that in this case, basic etiquette dictates that offering an unsolicited, judgmental opinion is inappropriate, and yes, such a comment should be kept to oneself for the sake of good manners.
3. I'm glad that your way has worked out so well for you. I mean that genuinely, I'm not being sarcastic. However, anecdotal "evidence" is meaningless. The happiest, most functional couple I know, friends of my family, have been together for 17 years, I believe. They - wait for it - moved in together after knowing one another for four months when they were 29 and not only did they not get married first, they still aren't married *GASP*. Does that anecdote mean that yours must be false? No, it doesn't. It means what I said in my first post, that different things work best for different people.
4. Again, no one indicated any interest in what worked for you. Sharing it is akin to going into a thread in which someone asked for advice on how fast they should ideally be running for their fitness level and saying, "Run? No, you're confused, I don't run, it doesn't work. You need to use the elliptical machine, that's how it's done." It has nothing to do with what was asked and is poor etiquette and in bad taste.
5. I suggest you educate yourself on the concepts of correlation, causation, confounding factors, and what kind of data constitutes evidence that A is caused by B. Then you will see how ignorant it is of you to suggest that statistics regarding cohabitation before marriage and divorce rates are proof of your position.
6. You are entitled to your own opinions. You are not, however, entitled to your own facts. The FACT is that the order in which one chooses to cohabitate with their partner, get engaged and get married (or to eliminate some of those steps altogether) is purely a matter of personal preference, and I will repeat again, since you seem to have difficulty grasping this point, telling another that their preference is wrong, as you did, is rude, judgmental and was irrelevant to the question asked.
7. Yes, you are correct that we each have our own opinions and that's okay - see, I think you ARE capable of grasping this concept, which is, ironically, exactly what you said: have your own opinion, but leave others alone unless they ask that you share it with them! That's *exactly* the point. Gold star! You've taken the first step in grasping this as a general concept; now I suggest you ruminate on it further and try your best to apply it to your inappropriate comment yesterday; I think that will be very enlightening for you.
8. Maybe you should learn how to spell "marriage" before you go offering unsolicited advice about it. See, now THAT'S me criticising you unnecessarily, or "bashing" you, as you choose to call it (I can't help but wonder what you'd call a genuine bashing if you think my previous post to you constituted one), which ordinarily I would not do, but since you do not understand the difference, I've demonstrated for you.
I'll say it one last time: you are NOT wrong for having an opinion that others may disagree with. You ARE wrong - judgmental, rude and inappropriate - for posting it unsolicited and phrased as a fact instead of one of many possible different and no less objectively valuable beliefs.
-- Juliet
CHARLIE SHEEN MUCH! LOL0 -
Hey everyone, I'm the original poster of this topic. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. I have a lot to say about the advice I received, and so I posted it in my blog because I thought it might be too long to fit. Also I thought it would be more appropriate to kind of rant and respond in my own blog. Read it if you want, or not, whatever. But again, thanks for replying, it helped a lot.0
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Hey everyone, I'm the original poster of this topic. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. I have a lot to say about the advice I received, and so I posted it in my blog because I thought it might be too long to fit. Also I thought it would be more appropriate to kind of rant and respond in my own blog. Read it if you want, or not, whatever. But again, thanks for replying, it helped a lot.
Post a link to the blog post. Non-friends don't get a link from your home page0 -
Wow....
Seriously, this is a no brainer. You have to break up with him. If you are not being fufilled, you will regret moving forward with him just to be polite. Then you will start to resent him and if you are an emotional eater, that horrible habit could come into play. It's going to hurt, but it's better to end things now before you decide against it.
Agreed..........this sounds terrible. You first messed up when you said you "love" each other. Love is a strong word to throw around esp only being together 9 months. Your second and third mistake(s) will be moving in together and getting engaged. You dont want to end up unhappy in the end and it will only get worse if those are current habits he has and that you dont like.0 -
This post I think, has opened up some other women's (including the married ones) feelings that may not even be happy. Venting is good but a relationship (married or not) should not be a struggle.
Other people giving advice might need to look and change their own lives.....just a thought.......are you people happy....?0 -
Maybe reality won't set in to him until you make a move and take a break. Make him prove to you that he can be that guy you are looking for. Good luck!!!0
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Juliet,
I did not smack anyone over the head with anything. She asked our (my) opinion and that is just what it is. Just because its different than yours dosnt mean I have to keep quiet. I did it in the odered stated and I've been happily married to my husband for going on 23 years. It worked for me and I wanted to tell what worked for me. I also happen to believe in it.
Statistics state that more people get divorced that move in together before marrage than who more in after marrage.
Just sayin............you have you opinion and I have mine. State yours and leave me alone. Don't go bashing me because its different from yours.
1. She asked for opinions regarding how to deal with the issue of feeling she and her boyfriend may be incompatible. Her comment about them moving in together was completely tangential; at no time did she indicate she was looking for advice or opinions about that matter, and you know it, so quit being so disingenuous, pretending you really believe she wanted your advice about the matter you commented on.
2. I do not feel that you need to keep quiet in general, I feel that in this case, basic etiquette dictates that offering an unsolicited, judgmental opinion is inappropriate, and yes, such a comment should be kept to oneself for the sake of good manners.
3. I'm glad that your way has worked out so well for you. I mean that genuinely, I'm not being sarcastic. However, anecdotal "evidence" is meaningless. The happiest, most functional couple I know, friends of my family, have been together for 17 years, I believe. They - wait for it - moved in together after knowing one another for four months when they were 29 and not only did they not get married first, they still aren't married *GASP*. Does that anecdote mean that yours must be false? No, it doesn't. It means what I said in my first post, that different things work best for different people.
4. Again, no one indicated any interest in what worked for you. Sharing it is akin to going into a thread in which someone asked for advice on how fast they should ideally be running for their fitness level and saying, "Run? No, you're confused, I don't run, it doesn't work. You need to use the elliptical machine, that's how it's done." It has nothing to do with what was asked and is poor etiquette and in bad taste.
5. I suggest you educate yourself on the concepts of correlation, causation, confounding factors, and what kind of data constitutes evidence that A is caused by B. Then you will see how ignorant it is of you to suggest that statistics regarding cohabitation before marriage and divorce rates are proof of your position.
6. You are entitled to your own opinions. You are not, however, entitled to your own facts. The FACT is that the order in which one chooses to cohabitate with their partner, get engaged and get married (or to eliminate some of those steps altogether) is purely a matter of personal preference, and I will repeat again, since you seem to have difficulty grasping this point, telling another that their preference is wrong, as you did, is rude, judgmental and was irrelevant to the question asked.
7. Yes, you are correct that we each have our own opinions and that's okay - see, I think you ARE capable of grasping this concept, which is, ironically, exactly what you said: have your own opinion, but leave others alone unless they ask that you share it with them! That's *exactly* the point. Gold star! You've taken the first step in grasping this as a general concept; now I suggest you ruminate on it further and try your best to apply it to your inappropriate comment yesterday; I think that will be very enlightening for you.
8. Maybe you should learn how to spell "marriage" before you go offering unsolicited advice about it. See, now THAT'S me criticising you unnecessarily, or "bashing" you, as you choose to call it (I can't help but wonder what you'd call a genuine bashing if you think my previous post to you constituted one), which ordinarily I would not do, but since you do not understand the difference, I've demonstrated for you.
I'll say it one last time: you are NOT wrong for having an opinion that others may disagree with. You ARE wrong - judgmental, rude and inappropriate - for posting it unsolicited and phrased as a fact instead of one of many possible different and no less objectively valuable beliefs. -- Juliet
Once again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You throwing vocabulary words around makes you no more superior than someone who has their own views about relationships. Why contradict yourself and tell someone else their being rude....now thats causation for you. And you might need to "educate" yourself on some manners.0 -
It's not fair to expect him to change who he is, as it would be unfair and unlikely for you to change who you are for him. If you are unhappy with the way things are going, I don't believe in wasting any more time. Life is short, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why spend a lot of your time doing something that doesn't make you happy? My husband does things that drive me crazy (not turning off lights, takes him forever to complete a home improvement, won't workout with me even though he supports me, doesn't do much housework to help out) these things REALLY irratate me (there are a few others) but in the big picture, he always complimenting me, he's a great father, he works hard, a good sense of humor, and even though he's more a homebody and I'm more of the dinner and movie once a week kind of girl, (camping, hiking, and canoeing, etc) I wouldn't trade him for anything. So in the end, my advice, think of all the good things, and think of all the bad. Which side wins? If you "love him more than anything" there should be plenty of good, but if you are truly unhappy, move on. Good luck!0
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All I can say is, that when you know, you know. You don’t have to ask for advice. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. When you have found the other half of your heart living inside another person’s body, you recognize it. You claim it for your own. And there is no one and no thing that will keep you from it.
^ This!!!!!
I can say from my personal experience, staying in a relationship when you have doubts like this leads to resentment and a nasty break up. Why not go your separate ways now and remain civil?
After years and years of dating...when I met my honey, things were easy (after a minor bump in the road in the beginning) There is NO doubt in my mind that he is the man for me and I know that when the lovey dovey stuff wears off we have a foundation that will last.
When you find the one that you are meant to be with you won't have any questions or doubts you will simply know.
Good luck in whichever path you take! :flowerforyou:0 -
Oh my goodness! What are you doing taking advice from people like us???
Don't you know that most of us can't stay married? Why copy us?
My advice, which I've taken myself, is to do pre-marital counselling... at a professional counsellor who charges a good amount.
Also, ask yourself whether you expect your partner to make you happy.
Yes?
...Fail... you are setting the relationship up to fail.
So get over that idea, fast as you can.
Negotiate with your partner to do certain activities, book a time well in advance.
Manage his and your own expectations. Don't expect him to read your mind or make you a better person or whatever.
In arguments, never say "you always" or "you never". Never. If you catch yourself, just stop talking and leave the situation.
Be kind.
Get the counsellor to help you.
If you reach the end of the process and still feel like he has shortcomings you aren't prepared to put up with, which he can't 'fix' or moderate, then you can break up.
PS. It took me years to 'know' for sure.0 -
Don' settle. There is "perfect" out there for you, it will be your perfect and you'll know right away, dont give up, be strong, have faith!0
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This sounds JUST like my ex husband. I married him at 21 (way too young holy cow). I thought I couldn't live without him. I also thought I could change him and just ended up losing 6 years of my life I'll never get back. Six years is a LONG mistake!
He truly wanted to sit, get high, and play video games all day and just generally waste away. He was unmotivated and zero interest in succeeding out in the real world. That is what made him happy and although I'll never understand why anybody would want to live like that, I'm just glad we aren't making eachother miserable anymore by forcing lifestyle changes on one another. He made changes that I insisted upon, but looking back I can see he never really changed at all and he was just trying to make me happy, but we were both miserable. He rarely complimented me and he didn't make me feel sexy, so our sex life sucked. It is likely we were just too unhappy to have a good sex life.
We had a lot in common and we really truly enjoyed eachother's company. He would have made a really good friend. He did make a very good friend (I'm tearing up a little, yikes!), but it made me realize that just because you like the same movies and TV shows, that doesn't necessarily make you compatible.
I have a lot less in common with my current boyfriend (music, movies, TV, etc) but our core values are compatible and we both want the same things. He loves to be active and next month we're going on a camping trip with our dog so we can hike, swim, mountain bike, and enjoy the fresh air. I couldn't even get my ex husband to take a walk with me. My guy makes me feel sexy, beautiful, and important. And I'm telling to that makes a HUGE difference in all aspects of a relationship. Guys are supposed to take care of us, because we take such good care of them
There ARE men out there who like to be active... don't waste any more time with someone who is dragging you down! I'm speaking from experience! Life is too short.0 -
I have been married for 14 years. I got married when I was 21. All I can say is, that when you know, you know. You don’t have to ask for advice. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. When you have found the other half of your heart living inside another person’s body, you recognize it. You claim it for your own. And there is no one and no thing that will keep you from it.
My husband and I are very different. We do not share the same life goals. We are not entertained by the exact same things. But we connect on a deep level, and I knew it within hours of meeting him.
It doesn’t take years to know if someone *has* to be in your life. You know when they are essential. You know when they connect with you in the deepest regions of your heart. I wouldn’t make any plans to spend my life with someone who fails to do this. And I probably wouldn’t spend months and years waiting to do what my heart is telling me to do today.
This is beautiful!!0 -
Juliet,
I did not smack anyone over the head with anything. She asked our (my) opinion and that is just what it is. Just because its different than yours dosnt mean I have to keep quiet. I did it in the odered stated and I've been happily married to my husband for going on 23 years. It worked for me and I wanted to tell what worked for me. I also happen to believe in it.
Statistics state that more people get divorced that move in together before marrage than who more in after marrage.
Just sayin............you have you opinion and I have mine. State yours and leave me alone. Don't go bashing me because its different from yours.
1. She asked for opinions regarding how to deal with the issue of feeling she and her boyfriend may be incompatible. Her comment about them moving in together was completely tangential; at no time did she indicate she was looking for advice or opinions about that matter, and you know it, so quit being so disingenuous, pretending you really believe she wanted your advice about the matter you commented on.
2. I do not feel that you need to keep quiet in general, I feel that in this case, basic etiquette dictates that offering an unsolicited, judgmental opinion is inappropriate, and yes, such a comment should be kept to oneself for the sake of good manners.
3. I'm glad that your way has worked out so well for you. I mean that genuinely, I'm not being sarcastic. However, anecdotal "evidence" is meaningless. The happiest, most functional couple I know, friends of my family, have been together for 17 years, I believe. They - wait for it - moved in together after knowing one another for four months when they were 29 and not only did they not get married first, they still aren't married *GASP*. Does that anecdote mean that yours must be false? No, it doesn't. It means what I said in my first post, that different things work best for different people.
4. Again, no one indicated any interest in what worked for you. Sharing it is akin to going into a thread in which someone asked for advice on how fast they should ideally be running for their fitness level and saying, "Run? No, you're confused, I don't run, it doesn't work. You need to use the elliptical machine, that's how it's done." It has nothing to do with what was asked and is poor etiquette and in bad taste.
5. I suggest you educate yourself on the concepts of correlation, causation, confounding factors, and what kind of data constitutes evidence that A is caused by B. Then you will see how ignorant it is of you to suggest that statistics regarding cohabitation before marriage and divorce rates are proof of your position.
6. You are entitled to your own opinions. You are not, however, entitled to your own facts. The FACT is that the order in which one chooses to cohabitate with their partner, get engaged and get married (or to eliminate some of those steps altogether) is purely a matter of personal preference, and I will repeat again, since you seem to have difficulty grasping this point, telling another that their preference is wrong, as you did, is rude, judgmental and was irrelevant to the question asked.
7. Yes, you are correct that we each have our own opinions and that's okay - see, I think you ARE capable of grasping this concept, which is, ironically, exactly what you said: have your own opinion, but leave others alone unless they ask that you share it with them! That's *exactly* the point. Gold star! You've taken the first step in grasping this as a general concept; now I suggest you ruminate on it further and try your best to apply it to your inappropriate comment yesterday; I think that will be very enlightening for you.
8. Maybe you should learn how to spell "marriage" before you go offering unsolicited advice about it. See, now THAT'S me criticising you unnecessarily, or "bashing" you, as you choose to call it (I can't help but wonder what you'd call a genuine bashing if you think my previous post to you constituted one), which ordinarily I would not do, but since you do not understand the difference, I've demonstrated for you.
I'll say it one last time: you are NOT wrong for having an opinion that others may disagree with. You ARE wrong - judgmental, rude and inappropriate - for posting it unsolicited and phrased as a fact instead of one of many possible different and no less objectively valuable beliefs. -- Juliet
CHARLIE SHEEN MUCH! LOL
Uh... huh. Very intelligent response. I see the problem now. Okay: U GO GYRLLL LOL LOL U ROCKKKK!1!!1!!! There, honey, now we're back on your level, where you're nice and comfy. *pat pat*0 -
Leave.
I promise, you'll be happier.
A couple thoughts:
1) What if your perfect man is out there, but you're missing out because you're not single?
2) What if his perfect woman is out there, but he's missing out because he's not single?
3) My boyfriend told me once "I hope I never make you feel like just an average person.'
How does this guy make you feel? How does your life look with him? Are things vibrant like Crayola, or just watercolor?0 -
First and formost talk to him about your concerns I don't mean just a casual talk and sit down and listen to me face to face talk , Tell him everything, Why you feel the way you do and what will happen if there is no change. Then he knows with out a shadow of a doubt why you break up with him when or if you do. It will be because he didn't listen and didn't want to really be with you. Men can change its only if the other person is worth it or not... If he doesn't then you'll know your answer... Then you will know it wasn't meant to be and God will place someone in your path that will want to be with you more than ever they will move moutains for you with there love and affection for you.. When you find that type of person you will know that he thinks of you first him second... then you will have true love and happiness...0
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Big personality difference. Been there. I suggest breaking up and dating lot's of guys. Easier to to find someone more compatible than work it out withing a relationship. You're young, if it's not clicking really well than just move on.
Yup, it's definitely easier to to find someone more compatible than work it out withing a relationship. Been there, done that. This is what I would advice you as well.0 -
If you're just *dating* and he already doesn't try to do things that make you happy and he's just "phoning it in"? Don't walk ... run. In fact, run screaming like your hair is on fire. It will never get better, only worse.
Moving in together, or worse, getting married, will be a slow, painful and daily death. You're seeing the writing on the wall, Babe.
I pray to God you get out before it's too late. Wish someone would've done that for me.0 -
Jeez , when did this site turn into a agony aunt / dating site !! :laugh:0
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I didn't read all of the posts but knew instantly that I needed to respond. I have been in this boat and I married my husband bc we had already been living together for two years.
While i love my husband I know he is not the one for me, we are too different.
I was 19 when we met him 27, I have done some serious growing up and want different things in life, he's done all the changing he's going to do.
I love him, we have a daughter together, and while I know in my heart he isn't my soul mate, I love him enough to stay.
I'm not saying that he's a trap, but I'm not perfect in a sense of the word and he deserves me to do some changing for him.
If you already know he's not the one, move on now before it gets harder to say goodbye. Goodbye's always hurt, but you have do it if it isn't right.
Hope this somehow helps.0
This discussion has been closed.
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