OT-PG13: I can't believe....

Shannon023

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry 's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes
so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald 's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Can I get a triple thick shake?:bigsmile:

I'll bring it! :bigsmile:

Juliebean

Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he'd done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and his wife staring daggers at him from across the room.

She says, "So, you were staggering drunk last night Paddy, weren't you now?

Says Paddy, "Now why would you say such a thing?"

"Well," she says, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all the Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Bahahaha! :laugh:

GoGetterMom

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry 's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes
so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald 's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Can I get a triple thick shake?:bigsmile:

I'll bring it! :bigsmile:

Ok - y'all are a bit slow today, so I'll say it...

CAN I HAVE FRIES WITH THAT SHAKE?

And Max in 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....

mholmes

Ok.... last one! This one's for the guys this time since I'm so generous, kind, and completely unbiased.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

**********************************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

GoGetterMom

Ok.... last one! This one's for the guys this time since I'm so generous, kind, and completely unbiased.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

**********************************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

So you've met my sister? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

jamdblake4

Ok.... last one! This one's for the guys this time since I'm so generous, kind, and completely unbiased.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

**********************************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

or like most women you could just have you man stop on the way home and do it for you O and don't forget to ask him to pick up your monthy produces:huh:

Shannon023

{{giggle}}

Juliebean

{{giggle}}

Bahahaha! :laugh: Love it!

mholmes

Ok.... last one! This one's for the guys this time since I'm so generous, kind, and completely unbiased.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

**********************************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

or like most women you could just have you man stop on the way home and do it for you O and don't forget to ask him to pick up your monthy produces:huh:

yeh Last time he forgot my carrots! :explode:

Mireille

{{giggle}}

Oh no you didn't! ROTF!!! :laugh: :laugh:

Is it weird that I think this picture is really cute!

Shannon023

A SHORT FAIRY TALE

One day long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full
of poop........

But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.

THE END


:bigsmile:

GoGetterMom

A SHORT FAIRY TALE

One day long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full
of poop........

But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.

THE END


:bigsmile:

And apparently just one man.... :drinker:

Emdicio

Yesterday I was standing in line at Wal-Mart when I noticed the guy in front of me was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow. The woman in front of him asked him what kind of dog he had. The man smiled and said that he didn't have a dog, but that he was starting the Purina Diet again - although he probably shouldn't because he had ended up in the hospital last time. However, he had lost 50 pounds before he awoke in the hospital.

He said that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, that the food is nutritionally complete, and he was going to try it again. By now, everyone in line was listening to this guys story - who doesn't need a good diet regimen?

Shocked, the woman asked if him if he had ended up in intensive care because of the dog food. He said no; that he had been hit by a car while he was in the street, licking his privates. The guy behind me laughed so hard his dentures fell out! :laugh:

GoGetterMom

Yesterday I was standing in line at Wal-Mart when I noticed the guy in front of me was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow. The woman in front of him asked him what kind of dog he had. The man smiled and said that he didn't have a dog, but that he was starting the Purina Diet again - although he probably shouldn't because he had ended up in the hospital last time. However, he had lost 50 pounds before he awoke in the hospital.

He said that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, that the food is nutritionally complete, and he was going to try it again. By now, everyone in line was listening to this guys story - who doesn't need a good diet regimen?

Shocked, the woman asked if him if he had ended up in intensive care because of the dog food. He said no; that he had been hit by a car while he was in the street, licking his privates. The guy behind me laughed so hard his dentures fell out! :laugh:

LOL!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Shannon023

Yesterday I was standing in line at Wal-Mart when I noticed the guy in front of me was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow. The woman in front of him asked him what kind of dog he had. The man smiled and said that he didn't have a dog, but that he was starting the Purina Diet again - although he probably shouldn't because he had ended up in the hospital last time. However, he had lost 50 pounds before he awoke in the hospital.

He said that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, that the food is nutritionally complete, and he was going to try it again. By now, everyone in line was listening to this guys story - who doesn't need a good diet regimen?

Shocked, the woman asked if him if he had ended up in intensive care because of the dog food. He said no; that he had been hit by a car while he was in the street, licking his privates. The guy behind me laughed so hard his dentures fell out! :laugh:

:laugh:


For your wife's b/day....

Emdicio

10 Worst Company Domain Names

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Emdicio

:laugh:


For your wife's b/day....

Sexy, but if I'm the guy my leaf is too big... :blushing:

BEFORE

:laugh:


For your wife's b/day....

Sexy, but if I'm the guy my leaf is too big... :blushing:

Could not leaf that a lone could ya.

GoGetterMom

Shannon023

10 Worst Company Domain Names

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

:laugh:

Now where DID I leave that pen????? :bigsmile: