I WANT TO DIE!

jisabelle

I lost my twins and I can't take the pain!

On May 29th I was rushed to the hospital at 3am and I lost my twin babies.:sad: I was one week shy of being 5months pregnant. I don't understand what happed I took care of myself and did everything in my power to have healthy babies and for some reason I lost them.

I'm so angry at the doctor that I called for help and answers I can't help but think my babies would be here if it weren't ofr him. Since it was my first pregnancy I didn't know what I was feeling all I know is I had bad pain. I was feeling pain in my lower abdomen then it would go to my back and down my legs leaving my legs feeling weak. I told him this and I feel he was more interested in going back to sleep than helping me out (I called at 12:30midnight) He sait it was round ligament pain and that I would feel this. I kept trying to expalin my pain telling him this has never happened before and that it kept getting stronger and he kept cutting me off. He told me it could be my body trying to miss carry or my uterus trying to open so I asked should I rush my self to the hospital and he said no just rest don't do a thing if it still hurts take tylenol ok bye and just like that he hung up on me!

After hanging up I had the pain again and my husband said take the tylenol so you can get some rest. I thought well I must be over reacting or just nervous since it's my first time stilll I didn't feel right and thought of all the reading I had done and I thought they were contractions not even 5min latter the pain got worst! I got up to pee and could bearly walk I went to pee and all of a sudden I head a ploop on the toilet and I thought...OH MY GOD MY BABIES!! I got up to look in the toilet and didn'd see a babie I saw what I think was my mucus plug then my water broke and I started to bleeding it all happened so fast. I started screaming and freaking out I just wanted to get to a hospital and try to save my babies.

We left our home so quickly, we didn't notice that I had passed one of my twins (I'm crying)we wanted to get there and save them. The ride seemed so long even though my husband was driving as fast as he could, I keept crying and saying "no" "God please help us" my husband even though he was scared was trying to comfort me telling me we were almost there and it would be ok.

When I got there I was imediatly addmited and I keept bleeding I have never seen so much blood or been trough anything so traumatic my body was shaking and my mouth was shatering I could not control it. It hurt so much and I ended up needing oxygen and falling over. It was all so bad that my husband thought he was not only loosing his babies but he thought I was gonna die. After a while of being there with non stop pain a doctor said I was dialated and that I had passed one of our twins he then told us that I was having a misscarrige and he was sorry.

My husband and I just looked at each other and broke down crying, it was horrible! I keept having that terrible pain and I keept bleeading soking my clothes and constantly soaking bed sheats they gave me Morphine for the pain but it did not help, I felt everything! then they wanted to do an ultra sound to check on the other twin they tought babie "B" was still inside me and my husband and I hoped they could save babie "B" after the ultra sound they asked if we were sure I was ppregnant with twins and wen was the last time we had seen two babies and two heart beats we told them that it had been a week ago and everything was fine. Then they told us they couldn't find babie "B" and it might be vanishing twin syndrome and that my body could have absorbed the babie. we were like not possible we saw the babie a week ago so they ordered another ultra sound and they said I wasn't passing the plasenta and they were not seeing babie "B" so they might have to do surgery to go in and get all the other stuff out. My huusband went home to get me some clothes and when he went to the bathroom to pee he discovered babie "B" on our bathroom floor he almost passed out and steped out sad on the bed and called his friend to go in and make sure, he didn't know if it was tissue or a babie and if it was our babie he didn't want to see it like that. It was "B"! and my husband called and rushed to the hospital so that they wouldn't cut me open he got there just in time! They told him whatever he had found he had to turn it in. He did. I over heard a phone call and I asked the nurse what was going on. She told me and I told her I wanted to see my babie she said no your husband said don't let her see it. I argued with her and told her I needed to see whatever it was she finally said ok its your desicion. She brought out my babie in a little container filled with some kind of clear liquid Oh God... My babie was beautifull! It was fully developed. It had it's little feet arms fingers and toes complete it had blue eyes and a very pointy little nose a small mouth as a mother I just wanted it to make sure it was ok and didn't even think of the sex, forgot to look It didn't matter they were our babies and we loved them.

After that I had to get a DNC and then they took me to recovery. Babie "A" I passed in the ER I felt my babie and it got stuck on me the doctor had to help get my babie out then he just put it into a jar and covered it with a towel, I guess he didn't want us to see our babie all bloody.

I cant't help but think if I didn't listen to that STUPID Doctor who was so worried about going back to be. I would have gone to the ER like I had wanted to and My babies would still be here.

I feel so guilty 'cause I was their mother and could not protect them. I would give anything to have them with us. I'm so hurt and people don't understand they keep telling me to get over it and move on that latter I will have more. That still will never replace my twins. I know people mean well but that just hurts even more. I will never forget them and I will always love them. I want to die!!! I feel awfull and find no comfort as if that wasn't enough less then a week latter I was back in the ER for my Gallbladder turns out I had an attack and had an infection also had some heart complications and they found issues with my uterous. I was addmited and was in the hospital for almost 9days! I ended up having my gallbladder removed and I'm finally home! I can bearly walk and I'm in a lot of phisical and emotional pain.

I beg of you... If you have been through this before please help, some words of comfort.
How did you cope? what helped? I'm loosing it!

sarah307

I'm so sorry for your loss.. lean on others... get support... counseling... take time for yourself.. take it easy...

It's hard not to blame yourself, but it's not your fault.

fteale

I am so sorry for your loss. It is the worst feeling in the world, but it will ease in time. I know that doesn't help now, and the loss will never go away, but it does get easier in time.

woja9640

Oh God I am so sorry to hear that. He should have told you to immediately go to the hospital no matter what. You should sue him for malpractice and pain and suffering.

Amandac6772

I am so sorry for you loss. That is a severely traumatic experience. You need plenty of time to heal physically and emotionally. Talk to a grief counselor in you area. We will be praying for you.

lilac01

Honestly I don't know what to say. I'm really sorry. It's not ur fault and please take care of urself.

jarrettd

I held the hand of my eldest daughter while she went through this. Your heart and body will heal. Get some help and give it time.

Le Bon Dieu orders things as He thinks best, but He seldom tells us why.

alfredapittman

My heart aches for you and I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to ease your pain so I will keep you in my prayers.

GoneWithTheWhinge

I am so sorry for your loss. I've never been through this so I can't even imagine how dreadfully horrible, unfair and painful this is for you.

Much love to you and your husband.

Jenscan

I really don't know what to say... just that we are here to help, if we can. Please look into getting some professional grief counseling - this is something you shouldn't have to deal with on your own.

leakewh

My wife and I lost our first child when she was 7 months pregnent (stillborn) I'm not gonna lie to you...its probably gonna hurt for a long time..you'll have good days and bad days...I'm sorry you had to experience such a loss...My wife and I are Christians and although we believe God is in control and has a plan....It still is an awful thing to bear....My advice to you and your spouse is to try to use this experience to grow closer to one another...don't blame each other....you guys didnt do anything wrong...Also, talk about your babies (especially to your future children).....constantly...sure its painful, but you need to release whats going on inside yourselves...Have a funeral...place flowers on thier graves...come to peace with yourself, each other, and God...

kyredneckchic

I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. Take the time to grieve and heal. let your husband help you and let your friends listen to you when you need a shoulder to lean on. Let God give you strength to handle your pain. Counseling would be a good idea.

AmyW4225

There are no words that are going to comfort you right now. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I just want to say that I am TERRIBLY sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :flowerforyou:

CassieLEO

OMG Honey that is so traumatizing. That is just awful and reading that made me bawl MY eyes out. The pain you and your husband must be feeling is just awful, horrific actually. That is awful how it happened and it was awful that it happened like it did. Im so sorry that happened to you and no amount of things I could say will make this any better for you. Know there are people out there who feel your pain and have their hearts open to you. Please try and get in touch with any type of support system you have. Over time this will get easier for you to handle. Many hugs for you right now honey....

sarah307

I just wanted to add that I agree with all the above posts. Take care of yourself and get professional grief counseling. Losses are really hard and no one will replace your twins or say anything to make it better or to make it all go away. over time you'll learn to live with your loss. but remember that you are still living and that you will always love them and remember them.

houseofcarpenter

there are no words of comfort i can give you.... i had a miscarriage 8 years ago but it was not nearly as traumtic as your experiance.. time is the only thing that can help but you will never forget. You have to get help with this and prey for strength. i wish i could share your pain. x

FabOma08

As much as you'd like to blame the doctor, the truth is there's probably little they could do considering how fast this happened. That being said, I'm so very sorry for your loss. No, I've never lost a baby during pregnancy, but I do understand the loss. My oldest daughter died at 15. She was hit by a car while trying to run across a highway at night. The pain, and anger, and guilt battle with each other, pulling you in every direction. I will absolutely not try to tell you that you'll get over it. I will tell you that the pain will ease when you're able to let go of the guilt and anger. My prayers are with you and your family

FaithandFitness

I am a labor and delivery nurse. I have never pesonally experienced the pain that you have had to endure, but my heart is grieving for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that, it is an awful, awful situation. No one should have to experience such loss. Of course you are hurting, sad, and angry. Please, please seek out some support group or counselling. You and your husband will need to lean on each other through this time and any help that you have through this time will help you both come out strong on the other end. You are right, "You'll have more kids" or "Get over it" are not words of comfort. Truly, there are no words of comfort available. I will send you a personal message. I know there is nothing I can do to help you, but I am available to listen to whatever you need to vent out.

spitfire1962

I am so sorry for your loss! It has to the worst grief imaginable to lose your children. Yes they were formed and yes you are allowed to grieve. Your body has been through a traumatic time physically, emotionally and mentally. You must grieve and ask God to help you endure your pain. You have to go through this pain in order to heal. I think you and your husband must lean on each other right now. Men have a different way of showing pain. You must help each other through this. I will be praying for peace and healing to come over you and your husband.

zandhmom75

Oh, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages, not as far along, but I know it does NOT help to hear people tell you "get over it", or "it was God's will", or "something must have been wrong to start with". You take as much time to grieve as you need, and however you feel fit. I'm glad you are reaching out. It is a huge loss! Again, I am so sorry. It sounds like your husband is very upset and supportive. Lean on each other. I used to work in NICU, and your hospital may have a support group for parents experiencing loss. It may help you both. Don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't be still grieving! I wish you all the best.

dh123

I am so sorry for you. I just want you to know you were a great mom--you called, you followed what the doctor told you to do and that is all a great mom does. I once was the first on the scene of an accident and a little girl was very dead and I had to be with her and her mom until the police arrived--it really messed me up for a bit and they sent in a grief counselor. I will tell you what she told me:

When the loss first happens it feels like a gigantic bolder on your lap. You can't move, get up, go anywhere or see your life going on in any way normally again (sounds like you are here). Then as you process the loss--by talking to people, typing it into blogs, etc and with time, the bolder gets smoother and smaller. It will become a large rock that you can lift up and set down and go about your life for short times. It will fall back in your lap at different times--sometimes unexpected (you might see twins in town) and the rock will land on you and you might be back to tears again. Eventually the rock becomes so small you can carry it with you--in your pocket and your heart. Don't worry that you will ever lose it--your twins memory will always be with you for the rest of your life. You will just be able to put the smooth rock in your pocket and go on with your life. Hope this helps you like it did me. Right now just feel the boulder and process what happened with people who love you. That is what a good mom does.

CoachMaritova

i am sooo sorry!! I cannot begin to imagine, or pretend to understand, the pain you are in. My heart goes out to you! Please do not continue to blame yourself for this! Beating yourself up won't make things better. Lean on your husband, continue reaching out to others! I do not know what your faith is, or how you feel about this, but I will pray for you!! xoxoxo

janemartin02

So sorry for your loss.Don`t blame yourself.I had 2 miscarriages and I know how difficult it is to loose a baby or babies you wanted so badly.Take time to heal and lean on those you love.Ignore people that have unsolicited advice.
Pamper yourself.
Sending a big HUG to you from a mom who knows the pain.
Jane:flowerforyou:

djthom

My heart goes out to you right now. I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom that would miraculously make your pain go away, but there aren't any that can. I understand what your going through, I lost a set of twins under simular circumstances. I didn't go through labor though, I had to have a dnc instead. I also blamed myself and the doctor that ignored my phone call for help. Unlike you I had already had 2 babies and knew in my heart something was wrong, but let the doctor (not mine by the way, some other on call doctor) tell me I was overreacting. It wasn't until the next day when I called my regular doctor & went for an ultrasound that they discovered no heartbeats. There was nothing anyone could say or do that would make me feel better. Often peoples words meant to be comforting just made me angrier. I didn't want to hear "you'll have others" , "it's God's plan" or "there must have been something wrong with them". I know they were trying to make me feel better, but it didn't. What you've been through is the greatest pain any mother could go through. There is nothing that will fix it. It will lessen in time, but it will forever be apart of you. It's been 15 years since I lost mine. I've gone on to have 2 other beautiful children, but there are still days I think of what I lost and wonder "what if". Just know it wasn't your fault. Let yourself greive and learn to forgive even though you'll never forget. All I can advise is take one day at a time, it will get better, I promise. Take care of yourself. Feel free to contact me.

scubacat

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. My first daughter was stillborn and although I have two healthy daughters now, I still have an empty hole in my heart 6 years later. Its a traumatic experience and will hurt for a long time and probably will never completely heal. Just hold them in your heart and surround yourself with people who love and support you.

mark03264

Sorry to hear of your loss. Experienced a similar thing about 13 years ago. We lost a child 6 months into the pregnancy. It is very hard but it does get easier over time. As was said before, there will be some days better than others. It took about a year to where it wasn't a nearly daily thought. We did go to a few support group meetings. Being with and talking with others that have been through the same sort of thing did help. Your hospital should be able to give you information for area support groups. Also, don't be afraid or resistant to going to counseling. It will help. Take one day at a time and realize there is still much to look forward to even if things pretty much suck right now. Hang in there.

Just1forMe

I am just so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will really comfort you. I have lost a child to miscarriage. You will never forget them or really stop being sad about it of course, but it does get easier, I promise. Right now, I know the pain seems unbearable and that is perfectly normal. Please don't say you want to die I completely understand that it may feel that way, but there are too many people who love you and other babies who will need your love (& I know this doesn't help lessen the pain right now, but it is true). If you truly don't feel any better in a week or so, please see your doctor about possible post-partum depression. Lean on your family during this very difficult time and look for support groups where you will find others who share your grief. Sharing your story can be very therapeutic. I will be keeping you in my prayers.... (((Hugs))))

Just1forMe

When the loss first happens it feels like a gigantic bolder on your lap. You can't move, get up, go anywhere or see your life going on in any way normally again (sounds like you are here). Then as you process the loss--by talking to people, typing it into blogs, etc and with time, the bolder gets smoother and smaller. It will become a large rock that you can lift up and set down and go about your life for short times. It will fall back in your lap at different times--sometimes unexpected (you might see twins in town) and the rock will land on you and you might be back to tears again. Eventually the rock becomes so small you can carry it with you--in your pocket and your heart. Don't worry that you will ever lose it--your twins memory will always be with you for the rest of your life. You will just be able to put the smooth rock in your pocket and go on with your life. Hope this helps you like it did me. Right now just feel the boulder and process what happened with people who love you. That is what a good mom does.

This is just beautiful and so true. I pray that time moves quickly for you and your pain becomes a small smooth pebble that you can take with you where ever you go...never forgetting, always loving, but at some point thriving again. Blessings...

quichebradford

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss. As a Christian, I believe that everything happens for a reason, yes, even the bad things. There are no words that will bring you comfort, time heals all wounds. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God is a healer, mentally and physically

mommyoftwins05

I am so sorry!!! Hugs!! Yeah that doctor should get in trouble!!

Heather75

This website may offer some comfort.

http://www.silentgrief.com/