I WANT TO DIE!

Mios3

I am deeply sorry for your loss.
You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

JennLifts

Oh honey. You're not alone, and it's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything else to prevent it, you did your best. Be with your husband, he's struggling just as much. Let people help you, and lean on them, don't try to go it alone.

FitJoani

Take care of yourself. I agree with seeking counselling.

ceirawillsucceed

I am so sorry for you and your husbands loss. Don't blame your self. Please keep talking if it helps

reneepugh

I just want to let you know, no matter what you feel right now, you are going to be ok. Keep telling yourself that. Also, nothing anyone is going to say or do for you is going to make this ok. You are going to have to grieve before being able to hear positivity. That being said, I will tell you my story which is a very similar story.

I was almost 5 months pregnant with my first baby and we were visiting our friends for the weekend in Lexington, KY, almost 3 hours from where we lived in Bloomington, IN. All day I didn't feel good and had cramps. I called the doctor who told me to take tylenol and lay down, that I was probably having round ligament pains. All evening after that call I kept telling my husband that I needed to go to the ER. He kept saying "no" the doctor just said to rest. The pain got unbearable and I we finally headed out to the hospital. They seen the baby and everything looked great. Good strong heartbeat and everything. They just said that I needed to be on bed rest for a few days. Went back to my friends and rested the next day. The entirety of the next day was cramping that got stronger the next night. We went back to the hospital. I started bleeding as soon as we got there. I was panicked and asked the nurse what was happening. She said I was probably miscarrying. I went to the delivery room where I delivered a baby boy and held him while he died. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through.

No one could comfort me after that. I didn't know a single person who had lost a child, let alone one at almost 5 months. They are babies at that point, but everyone kept acting like he wasn't a baby. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone because all I heard was "I'm sorry" or "You'll have another one". Nothing helped. The only comfort I found was to finally get up out of bed and try to keep busy. I was going to school at the time and I studied 24-7. My husband wasn't even that much of a comfort because he just didn't understand what it was like to carry and lose something that was part of you. You just can't describe to someone who hasn't went through it what its like.

What I wished I had was someone who understood. Someone that could talk me through my feelings that I couldn't sort out. Let me give you some advice from a mother who has lost her child because that's exactly what you are, you're a mother. Rent some comedies and find something to keep your mind busy. Once you have gotten to a place where you can get up in the morning without crying, try this: Because I held my little boy, I know he was a person. After they took him away, I didn't get to see him again. He wasn't mature enough for me to take home and bury. So in honor of my beautiful boy, I gave him a name: Thaddeus Alan. It means strong heart, because 24 hours before losing him, I got to see his strong heart beating. Then I planted a tree in my yard and put a small name plate with his name on it. My husband and I had a quiet memorial for him. It gave me peace somehow.

About a month after losing Thad, was searching for answers as to why I lost him. The normal miscarriage blood test showed nothing. Then, my brother, who is an OBGYN suggested maybe I should get tested for a blood clotting disorder. My doc didn't want to test me at first because she said the tests were pricey. But, I made her. 1 week later I found out I have Factor V Leiden, a clotting disorder. 6 months later, I got pregnant again, but this time I had to take 2 shots of heparin a day until the baby was born. I have 3 beautiful children. Elliott 6, Oliver 5, and Adeline 1.

To this day, I realized Thad had to give his life so that Elliott, Oliver and Adeline could survive. He also saved my life because if I didn't find out that I had a clotting disorder , I could have died as well. I will love Thad for all of my life and he will forever be one of my children. Although your life seems bleak right now, I promise that it will get better. You will never forget the twins, but you will one day be able to think of them with love without the pain.

Please feel free to ask me anything or if you just want to talk you can email my inbox at any time.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Renee

1crazymom

My heart aches for you. I'm sobbing for you. No words will make you feel better but please keep talking.
You and your husband are in my prayers.((((HUGS))))

mom111997

Honey - get help FAST !!!! Don't try to go through this by yourself. You and your husband need to seek counseling - a professional who has dealt with tough situations like yours and can help you get through this together. You WILL get through this, but you also WILL need help !!!

SoldierDad

I lost my precious baby girl more than 10 years ago and I still cry eveyrday. I am sorry and I love you. I wish I could offer words of comfort other than God has a purpose and a plan even if at times it ripos us to shreds. You will see your babies again.

Mommawarrior

I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my first baby when I was 5 months pregnant and there really are no words that anyone can say to make it less painful. But please know that God knows everything and he knew before he placed those babies in your womb that he would take them to be with Him before they were born. He knows the pain you are going through and He desires you to cry out to Him. He is truly the only one who can comfort you.
You did nothing wrong to make this happen, it is not your fault in anyway. God alone knows the reason for this loss and He will comfort you if you will let Him.
I will be praying for you as I know soldierdad and many others will be!

navvs15

I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish I had more words of comfort to offer you, but sadly, I don't. I would take the above posters advice and seek counseling. Death is an upsetting and trying time in our lives...but we don't have to do it alone. Surround yourself with family, friends, husband. They'll be able to make your grief more bearable. :frown:

strbryt

My daughter and I just read your post. As I read it aloud to her both our eyes filled with tears and our hearts with grief for you, your husband, and your whole family. I can say that I have never lost a child, I can say that I am unable to have them. My daughter is my step daughter and I love her like she is mine. I can tell you that I can relate on some scale of your loss. Being unable to have them I feel a loss everyday when I see a cute fat baby. I cannot offer any words of wisdom but I can offer friendship and a shoulder to lean on and 2 ears to listen with. May God hold your hands during this difficult time and give the both of you the strength to be there for each other. I pray you find some level of peace. Please know that even though most have never met we all have a deep level of appreciation, respect, and love for each other and the trials and tribulations that each goes through.

smilingmakesyouhappy

Hugs!!!!!!

jujubean1992

(((((BIG HUGS)))))) i'm soooo sorry for your loss! i've never had anything that bad happen but i had a scare when i was barley 6 months pregnant i woke up in the middle of the night and i was bleeding i started crying and hyperventilating and called my mom who came strait over and took me to the hospital and they couldn't figure out what was wrong and i was freaking the *kitten* out and they had sent the on cal dr to look at me and after she was done i told the nurses i needed to see MY dr that i didn't trust her she had never met me before. turns out my cervix was bleeding but i was so scared i remember that feeling ((((((hugs))))))) it'll be ok.

dlangenfeld

That is so heartbreaking...I am so very sorry for your loss. We are all here to listen any time you need to vent. Take care of yourself and your husband. I know you will get through this, but it will definitely take a while to feel better than you do right now. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

fitnesspirateninja

I also want to offer my condolences.

You may find some support on the forums at this website:

www.altdotlife.com

I know there are topics from other women who are suffering a similar loss. The community is very supportive.

Sarah_uk

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I have lost my baby girl during labour at full term (uterine rupture) She was stillborn.

I can tell you that the pain will always be there,but it does get easier over time.

I definitely understand why you are angry with your dr,but you should know that there is no guarantee that your babies would've still been alive if you had gone to the hospital directly. Sometimes these things just happen. I know we don't want it to happen to us,but life never goes the way you want it. All we can do, is make the best of it.

I know it's difficult, but you will feel better over time.

I've added you

OooLaurenooO

I am so deepy sorry to hear this has happened to you!! My thoughts and love are with you & hubby from this day forward!

Do not, i repeat do not blame yourself for this tragedy, this isnt your fault! I know exactly how your feeling, i have been throught this twice. The pain is so hurtfull and you just keep thinking what could you have done different. The truth is no=one can tel you what to do or say or imagine how you feel. Words of comfort and hope that this will all end and you will be able to carry on with your life.
You both will eventually get over what has happen but you will never forget, this will be hard, my baby would have been here in 3 weeks time but unfortunatly i miscarried at 4months. =( Very unsetting time for me & my partner so like i said i know exactally how you feel and what you are goin through!

I urge you to talk with your hubby about your feelings and get him to open up too. The worst thing to do is keep everything to yourself. Althought this is a health & fitness forum we are all here for love & support so anytime you need to let of steam, write it down. I found writing my feelings and thought down and burning them after helped me release. I will never forget my loss and neither will you. You will go on to have more beautiful & healthy children in the future.

I offer a hand and an ear anytime you wish to talk.

Love & support to you & hubby!! "cuddles"

bridetobe310711

i really feel for u. so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you
xx

kaylemartin

My heart is with you, your husband and your beautiful babies. Rest peacefully little ones.

FTIM2015

Oh I'm so so sorry. I've never been through it or known anyone who has, but if you need an ear to bend I'm here. I don't know you but I just wish I could give you a big hug.

I'm a bereavement officer so I deal with loss on a daily basis and from what parents and families tell me it does get easier, but it takes a long time, the guilt, fear, sadness, and all the other emotions are normal, and don't let anyone tell you that you should have grieved by now, no 2 people are the same.

Big hugs hun to you and hubby xxx