Live with someone first or just take the dive?

reinach31

My name is Reina - (My bf is 48yrs and I am 31yrs) - We've been dating for 6yrs!

We bought a house in December 2010 and moved in together... .... .....8mths later - we are very happy and love love love living with him! (Our backyard is HUGE - perfect for "our wedding" - trust me I've been planning and thinking where the tables and DJ is going to be!! hahahaha)

I do wonder if we are ever going to get married. He doesn't have any kids nor do I - never been married either! This is my first serious relationship (when I say serious - I mean - moving in together)! I hate dating - and hope this would be D-IT!

Am I in a rush to get married? I wouldn't say rush, but I do see myself getting married this wonderful man! Love him very much! - I see myself having children with him!

Anyway, I can keep going on and on.. but have to to a meeting now!

odusgolp

I would say don't. I lived with my husband before we got married for 2 years. When he proposed I said yes because I couldn't imagine saying no, and still living together and with two little little kids I didn't think I could support myself. Don't get me wrong, because I dearly love my husband but the leased car thing is such a good analogy because when the lease is up you buy it because you can't imagine starting over without a car or with a new and different car. You should know how to be on your own before you learn to be with someone else. And if you love them you can get over their annoying little habits.

My ex girlfriend's habit was leaving her clothes everywhere including the floor. For a couple of months I did ALL the picking up and even had a sit down talk about it. She said I shouldn't have to worry about taking care of her clothes. I finally agreed and stopped doing it. Problem was when on the floor, I had to try to avoid stepping on them in our bedroom. It came down to heated arguments because she would say not to step on her clothes and of course my response was I wouldn't if they weren't on the floor. We had a 3 year lease and the last year of it we slept in separate rooms and barely spoke.
So if this were a "leased car" and there was no way to fix the problem, would you end up buying it out of convinience?

Frankly, your first post saying a "non-negotiable" and knowing it's because you found her sloppy... I really question if you actually loved the woman. Do you think you did? You have said more than once now that you did not marry her because she left clothes around. I'm kind of shocked that you found the rest of her marriage material but THIS was the non-negotiable...

liftingbro

Actually, yes, it does have something to do with it if you are Christian, particularly if you are Catholic. It's against church teachings to live with someone of the opposite sex if you are not related. I can't talk for other Churches but I know that most protestant churches have the same line of thought.

Being a former catholic (am now non religious), the church teachings also disallow birth control, and abortion, yet as a religion they have some of the highest rates of both. So because the church says it, does that mean the out come will end up better?

Birth control isn't allowed, but you can use NFP. Abortion, of coruse should be banned, IMO. I think your claims are way off though. The problem with Catholicism is there are a lot of people who call themselve Catholic but do not practice the religion. This isn't uncommon to other religions either. Some people were born Catholic, call themselves Catholic but have not even been to Church since confirmation. So, I bet if you took data from Catholics who regularly attend church and are active in the church, those numbers would be extremely low.

As for the little snarky comment at the end: It's obvious that you can't take what happens when people don't follow the teachings as proof against the previously mentioned teachings.

ninerbuff

Ooooo, I hope you have a spoon big enough for the pot you're stirring. Or all the biblethumpers are offline.

I'm Filipino. I got a huge wooden spoon hanging in the dining room.

ninerbuff

Frankly, your first post saying a "non-negotiable" and knowing it's because you found her sloppy... I really question if you actually loved the woman. Do you think you did? You have said more than once now that you did not marry her because she left clothes around. I'm kind of shocked that you found the rest of her marriage material but THIS was the non-negotiable...

This was just one of the non negotiable issues. It stretched out to a few more, but I'm not here to expose all that. She's kind, giving, thoughtful, romantic and other great great qualities. Unfortunately being clean and organized is a BIG deal to me. You don't have to be perfect, but to knowingly be a slob when you know it irks me just shows that there is no compromise on your end. Is my house perfectly clean now that I have a kid? Are you kidding? But my wife and kid at least assist in trying. With my ex there was no attempt. That left a lasting impression.

sunkisses

I wouldn't get married anyway.

elliecolorado

Definitely live together first!

But then again I don't see the point of marriage unless it is for tax/insurance reasons anyway. To me it is just a piece of paper, but it is a lot easier to end a relationship than a marriage. One of my friends had been with his (now ex) wife for 5 years before they got married and they lived together for 3 of those years, they got married and then ended up splitting up on their honeymoon. If they had split up a week earlier it just would have been a break up.

IMO, 100% of divorces are caused by marriage...

Sasssy69

Definitely live together first!

But then again I don't see the point of marriage unless it is for tax/insurance reasons anyway. To me it is just a piece of paper, but it is a lot easier to end a relationship than a marriage. One of my friends had been with his (now ex) wife for 5 years before they got married and they lived together for 3 of those years, they got married and then ended up splitting up on their honeymoon. If they had split up a week earlier it just would have been a break up.

IMO, 100% of divorces are caused by marriage...

YES! I agree. Marriage is a relationship killer.

Scoobies87

I can understand why it makes more sense to live with someone first. But I am traditional, therefore I like the whole idea of groom sweeping bride into his arms and swinging open the door to new house (with a white picket fence!)

That's the romantic in me. The reality of it is that it is probably more practical (and affordable) to move in first!

ninerbuff

Birth control isn't allowed, but you can use NFP.

Aware of NFP, but even that isn't 100%.

Abortion, of coruse should be banned, IMO.

We can disagree.

I think your claims are way off though. The problem with Catholicism is there are a lot of people who call themselve Catholic but do not practice the religion. This isn't uncommon to other religions either. Some people were born Catholic, call themselves Catholic but have not even been to Church since confirmation. So, I bet if you took data from Catholics who regularly attend church and are active in the church, those numbers would be extremely low.

Statistics show that Hispanic teens in just the US have a higher pregnancy rate than other ethnic backgrounds. With the majority of them being catholic, I don't think my claim is off at all. And regularly attending church doesn't make you a better catholic. I more than sure that most kids go because their parents force them to and don't they really know much about the sacraments. In fact more Atheists actually have more knowledge of the catholic religion than many catholics themselves.

As for the little snarky comment at the end: It's obvious that you can't take what happens when people don't follow the teachings as proof against the previously mentioned teachings.

Bro you know I got nothing but love for ya! It wasn't snarky it was just a comment. Let's face it, there are hardly any religious people that follow the rules ALL the time.

Scoobies87

this. and the reason for the higher divorce rate is that there is often the anticipation of whatever you don't like about the person changing once you get married, because they will be "different" once married. they're not.

there is something exciting and romantic and "christmas morning-like" about not knowing EXACTLY what to expect and having every day be a new day and a new chance for exploration with a person.

there's something to the old saying, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free. i know i wouldn't want my boyfriend to ask me to marry him because we're already living together, so it's the next logical step. how anti-climactic.

Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

So, I'd say don't live together first. You should be visiting each other's homes enough and being around each other enough without living together to be able know their habits.

I agree. These facts speak for themselves

Oliverseanj

well...it depends on how you read the statistics...

and if you choose to ignore the other factors that lead to divorce..

only 38% of marriages (in america) happen with cohabitation...but 31% of all first marriages end in divorce (in america)...

so statistically as a whole..less marriages that included cohabitation first end in divorce than those that did not..

alpha2omega

Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

This statistic, while true ,is flawed proof that living together before marriage leads to a higher rate of divorce. The couples who don't choose to live together before marriage are typically devoutly religious. Most of the religions which condemn living together also condemn divorce. Therefore, the same group of people who chooses not to live together first, will also stay in a bad / unhappy marriage.

I am def in the live together first camp

Well, to be more correct from a Catholic POV, there is no divorce. Divorce is a civil happening, you can get an annulment but that's not always the case. To get an annulment you have to prove that the marriage was defective in form or contract.

I think there is a lesser rate of divorce among active Catholics because they go through the premarital counciling and because Marriage is a sacrament (one of 7 sacred rites for a Catholic) and considered an event for the whole church. That's just my opinion. There is this thing among non-Catholics that make them think that the divorce rate is lower because marriage is condemned but my experience with other Catholics I know is that it has more to due with people being on the same spiritual plane and their faith in God to be able workout the tough times.

+1

ennaejay

First, to the OP, if you think it's a good idea to "live with" --- then do it.

I'm going to throw a penny on the tracks and suggest that Sex = Marriage. Living together and enjoying the physical oneness is an expression of emotional and hopefully spiritual unity. You're one. You're united. Whether or not you went through the marriage ceremony, or are planning to, I would hope that your living with another person would be more rich and fulfilling from working towards a healthy unselfish and mutually beneficial life together. Calling it quits, whether you're legally married or not, lesbian or gay, has a damaging effect on both parties. It wasn't meant to be. So if you consider your prospective partner with some serious gravity (redundant? I dunno), either way, think about it and study them carefully before you "make the leap", whether moving in or tying the knot. It was meant to be for keeps.

Well, I as I said before I am not Catholic, but since I am Christian I will give my particular answer. The Bible states that the marriage of a man and a woman is a sacred thing where the two become one flesh and are bound together. It also states that God creates marriage. This alone makes it not just a civil agreement in the Christian faith because a civil agreement is something manmade whereas we believe that an honorable marriage (one that follows the guidelines in the Bible) is God-made.

For the Christians/religious folk, you've got to admit the Bible's a little shady gray on the rules surrounding nuptials. The dude leaves his parents and "cleaves to his wife" and they "become one flesh." There are a ton of guidelines on living in LOVE, however; and if both parties are committed to LOVE, that is meant to conquer the differences and heartbreaks that would divide you - and utterly hurt you.

odusgolp

Sex = Marriage?

Oh snap. Can I get a HOLLA for Polyandry Anyone!!!!

:drinker:

albinogorilla

I wouldn't buy a car without a test drive.......

lmelangley

For the record, I consider myself a Christian (although I'm sure some of you would disagree) and I go to church almost every week and am on several committees. My church doesn't consider living together before marriage to be a sin - some of the folks in the church may, but I believe most don't. Not all churches are conservative.

Now that's off my chest.... my husband and I lived together for a couple of years before we got married. We did it for convenience - namely, neither of us made enough money to have an apartment alone so we opted to living with each other than each getting a roommate. But, when we moved in, we were committed. NOT ENGAGED. I think we both wanted that, but realized we needed time. At this point, we've been married 19 years.

When you have kids, things are always more complicated. Before moving in, I'd suggest 2 things. First, make sure you're committed to each other. It doesn't mean you have to get married, just that you want to make this work long term. Second, talk to your kids a few times. Introduce the idea and let them have a few days to think about it and then talk to them again - without your beau present. Then, talk to them with your beau. Talk about your lives and your schedules, be honest about the trials of the transition period and such. Just show each other patience and respect.

But, that's just my 2 cents. It's a big decision, and I don't think there's really a right or wrong decision. Good luck!

voluptas63

I wouldn't buy a car without a test drive.......

Who's talking about buying? This is STRICTLY a lease.

julslea

I say don't live with them before marriage. I have lived with both my ex-husband and my current husband before we were married and I just don't think it helps the relationship. I think that the reason I got married (both times) was because I was afraid to be my myself and the fact that I was afraid I could not stand on my own two feet. Don't get me wrong, I love hubby #2 but there are more days than not that I regret not being able to take care of myself without his help. We don't have the strongest marriage now but that is due to him having to work all the time.

dipsl19

honestly, we moved in together because every minute away from him is a minute wasted, to me no regrets at all! i couldnt imagine having to wait 3-4 years to be with him.