When a man cheats, is it the woman's fault?

quichebradford
quichebradford Posts: 327 Member
edited October 1 in Chit-Chat
A friend of mine's husband cheated on her years ago with a lady he works with. When we first found out it was hard to believe because he is such a nice guy. My friend treated him bad, talked crazy to him, withheld sex, etc, throughout their marriage. Some of our mutual married friends said it was her fault because of how she treated him...said that he'd finally had his breaking point. She was devastated because she thought he would never do anything like that...because he is such a great guy. They ended up getting divorced a few years later.

So the questions are:

1. When a man cheats, is it the woman's fault? (or vice versa)
2. Is cheating justified if you're not treated the way you want to be treated?
«1345

Replies

  • dawnrenee567
    dawnrenee567 Posts: 292 Member
    If he was that unhappy in the marriage, he should have left, not cheated.
  • foremant86
    foremant86 Posts: 1,115 Member
    oh boy is that a tricky subject.

    There is no real justification for cheating. If you're not happy in a relationship then you need to break if off before moving on or work at making your current relationship a good one.

    but you're friend can't honestly be surprised he went and found what he was looking for in someone else when she treated him that bad, seriously?
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
    No... it's never the other person's fault. You can try to justify it, but take ownership of your actions.

    Period.
  • TJ435
    TJ435 Posts: 13 Member
    It is definitely not the woman's fault. A man/woman will do whatever it is they want to do. If he was unhappy with the way he was being treated, he should've left. Tthe cheating didn't fix anything, just caused another set of problems.
  • lausa22
    lausa22 Posts: 467 Member
    Cheating is the person who did it's fault. No one else. You should NEVER blame yourself if you were cheated on.
    Also, cheating can NEVER be justified to 'oh I'm not getting what I want in this relationship, so I'll cheat'. If you're not happy you confront the problem or leave the relationship. Simple as.
  • quichebradford
    quichebradford Posts: 327 Member
    oh boy is that a tricky subject.

    There is no real justification for cheating. If you're not happy in a relationship then you need to break if off before moving on or work at making your current relationship a good one.

    but you're friend can't honestly be surprised he went and found what he was looking for in someone else when she treated him that bad, seriously?

    See, that's what we all said! I felt bad for her, but what did she expect?
  • polo_princess
    polo_princess Posts: 27
    No... it's never the other person's fault. You can try to justify it, but take ownership of your actions.

    Period.

    Pretty much this!!
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Leave & file for a divorce...

    Then, have copious amounts of sex with other people.

    In that order.
  • messyinthekitchen
    messyinthekitchen Posts: 662 Member
    Nope it's never the other person's fault. He's a big boy. He shoulda grown up a bit and left her. In that case it would be her fault he left. But we can never blame our spouse for us cheating. We make our own decisions. And I don't believe there is ever any justification for cheating. Unless you have some open arrangement going on but even in that case it's not cheating anymore.
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    Like anything there is no blanket answer. Typically no, of course not. But talk to a guy who's wife hasn't wanted sex at all in 6 years, then tell me what you think. Maybe he's staying with her for the kids, maybe a woman is physically unable to have sex and he still loves her deeply but has needs. Maybe she's being a complete pain and he just needs some strange.

    Ok that last one wasn't a good reason...
  • hm_day
    hm_day Posts: 857 Member
    I have a friend who has cheated on multiple boyfriends. Although it's not my business, I don't trust her and every time she's told me about her "endeavors," I told her that if she's unhappy or "bored" (as she puts it), then she needs to end the relationship, not hurt them or cheat on them. Whether it's a guy or a girl, I believe that if you're unhappy and being treated poorly, END IT. Be the bigger person, not the one that everyone's going to say "Oh, that guy/girl cheated on his ex.."
  • Goal_Seeker_1988
    Goal_Seeker_1988 Posts: 1,619 Member
    If he was that unhappy in the marriage, he should have left, not cheated.


    Totally agree!
  • Chairless
    Chairless Posts: 583 Member
    No... it's never the other person's fault. You can try to justify it, but take ownership of your actions.

    Period.

    This
  • ohwhataday
    ohwhataday Posts: 1,398 Member
    Both.
  • Cat52169
    Cat52169 Posts: 277 Member
    Cheating is always wrong. If you are unhappy then you should leave. That said if you treat someone poorly you cannot say poor me when they hurt you back. Either way the situation is totally unhealthy.
  • marquesajen
    marquesajen Posts: 641
    Cheating is never acceptable. If one partner is being treated very badly they ought to leave.
  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
    regardless of how she acted or treated him, it was not her fault he cheated. If anything, he should have sat her down and explained how that was making him feel, then if that didn't show any results, LEAVE her, then have lots of crazy sex with everyone, not cheat on her.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
    If he was that unhappy in the marriage, he should have left, not cheated.

    THIS, THIS, THIS!!
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
    You should NEVER blame yourself if you were cheated on.

    True... but by the same token you can't brush off all responsibility. Just as it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, it also takes 2 people to really screw it up (in most cases).
  • brewingaz
    brewingaz Posts: 1,136 Member
    It depends,...did she cook and clean around the house for him prior to it happening?
  • adventuring
    adventuring Posts: 178
    Well, I don't see any reason he couldn't have broken it off before cheating. And anyway, even if she hadn't been awful to him, it's not possible to answer your question because every marriage is different, isn't it? Some people cheat on others out of compulsion or poor impulse control or any number of reasons, not just because they're not treated well. So "is it the woman's fault" isn't a question that can be answered yes resolutely unless that's followed with "because she should do anything to keep her husband from straying" which is just kind of blatantly sexist and outdated. *Sometimes* it's probably the wife's fault a husband feels he *wants* to cheat; however, that still doesn't mean he should. If he's going to, he might as well just propose a divorce beforehand. Same outcome, after all.
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    This is why the accepted societal norm of monogamy is ridiculous. I truly believe some people aren't cut out for it.

    I also, truly believe, that when you cheat on your spouse, for any reason, you should cowboy up and say, "Yeah, I did it. So what." and not blame your spouse.
  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
    oh boy is that a tricky subject.

    There is no real justification for cheating. If you're not happy in a relationship then you need to break if off before moving on or work at making your current relationship a good one.

    but you're friend can't honestly be surprised he went and found what he was looking for in someone else when she treated him that bad, seriously?

    See, that's what we all said! I felt bad for her, but what did she expect?

    I do not condone cheating on your spouse EVER. However, I do "understand" it in situations such as this. I have this same viewpoint. If she withheld sex, she shouldn't be surprised that he went looking for it somewhere else. If that makes it "her" fault in your mind then, so be it.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    If you make a vow to be faithful and YOU choose not to be faithful, how would it be someone else's fault?

    Everyone chooses their own actions. If you don't like the way someone is treating you, leave. If you would prefer not to be a cheater, get divorced FIRST.

    Blame is about failing to take responsibility for your own actions. It's very popular.
  • ladybug1620
    ladybug1620 Posts: 1,136 Member
    Wow yeah, tricky subject. I think there's so many factors that go into this, it's not a black and white situation. My first instinct is to say that if he was that unhappy he should have left. BUT...we don't know the rest of the story. I had a friend who was going through the same thing with his wife. He felt that he couldn't leave because he was afraid she would run off with his kids. So he cheated. In his case, yes I did have sympathy for him. I felt that if she treated him better he wouldn't have cheated and I felt that it was her fault as much as it was his. I have no sympathy for a man that has a great wife and cheats just to cheat (or vice versa). If a person has tried everything possible with their spouse to make things better and it hasn't worked, and cannot leave for some reason, then yes I think there are two parties at fault.
  • TDGee
    TDGee Posts: 2,209 Member
    TRICK QUESTION! GET OUTTA THERE! THAT PLANE'S ON FIRE!!! EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!!!
    smiley-transport006.gif
  • baisleac
    baisleac Posts: 2,019 Member
    regardless of how she acted or treated him, it was not her fault he cheated. If anything, he should have sat her down and explained how that was making him feel, then if that didn't show any results, LEAVE her, then have lots of crazy sex with everyone, not cheat on her.

    This.
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member

    See, that's what we all said! I felt bad for her, but what did she expect?
    Does she know how she was treating him? Most crazy b|tches don't know they are crazy b|tches!
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    Everyone makes their own choices. He chose to cheat. She was wrong for treating him like crap, but that is a different topic. He should have left.
  • sweebum
    sweebum Posts: 1,060 Member
    No relationship problem is ever solved by putting your p*nis in someone else. Likewise, no relationship problem is ever solved by putting yourself on another's p*nis. It's really that simple. If you can't stand the way things are - leave.:grumble:
This discussion has been closed.

Categories