Does hating your mother mean you are a bad person?
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WOW !!!! I can understand why you are bitter and I do not want to give the wrong impression when I say HATE YOUR MOTHER is powerful words .
I feel for you but I can also see that thru these trying times you have grown to be a strong woman. Maybe she just didnt know how to parent and her choices were affected by the drugs , MAYBE had she gotten help early on she could have been a better Mom to you and your sibblngs.
I wish you well and I find it sad when parents are sometimes acting as the child.
I hope that I never find out those words were to come from sons mouth " I HATE MY MOM" that would totally break my heart ! Im sure she loves you and is aware and ashamed of the way she has treated you and your lil sister and the drugs are keeping her a little numb from the feeling s !
You have done good so far without her and I commend you for that but HATE NOT WHO SHE IS BUT WHAT HAS MADE HER THAT WAY >0 -
I don't make judgement calls on someone's entire persona based on their feelings for their mother - or any other single factor either. I assume you understand the nature of your relationship with her better than I do.0
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Someone I am close to hates his father. His father sexually abused him (police were never involved - the family kept it hushed), walked out on the family to start a relationship with a man, and never sent any financial support over the years. Then 20 years later, he drifted back into the scene wanting to have a traditional and normal father/son relationship. He wrote his father a long letter outlining all the devastation he caused in their family and telling him that he never wants to hear from him again.
I don't think hating your mother makes you a bad person. Sometimes the damage is too great and the scars are too deep.0 -
I hope not, I sincerely dislike mine. I also cannot forgive mine as she continues to chose herself and just about anything over her children and the rest of the family disowned and has not spoken to her for about 12 years. I am not about to waste a lifetime forgiving someone for things they do on a weekly basis. The only time she is reasonable is when it benefit's her in someway, such as when she has no money for rent but has money to be in a bar 4-5 nights a week.
On the plus side, I am about to buy my first home. To me, this is the big leap to independence and though I'm a 24 year old adult, I will be actually feel free. If she screws herself over, I won't feel any obligation to help.
I sometimes wonder how my brother and I turned out so independant and level-headed. :happy:0 -
It is a fine line between hate and love. In order to feel hate, you must have felt love.
Some even say that love and hate are not feelings of emotion, but decisions. You choose to love someone and you choose not to love someone. If you do not love them; then you could associate that decision with hate.
However, it goes back to you must feel something for her if have chosen to hate her.0 -
I think I used a word that is a bit too strong. I just dont care about her. If she got killed tomorrow I wouldnt care, wouldnt even shed a tear. Shes just nobody to me, means less to me than my dog (a lot less). But it makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one.
To those who said that I should love my mother because she gave birth to me, please tell me if you would if your mother was an alcoholic, drug addict (and drugs made her nasty and horrible), unpaid prostitute, liar(I dont remember her telling the truth, even if insignificant), thief (stole everything from you that she could find), if she never cleaned, cooked, and you had to clean and cook for her, if when one of her 'friends' tried to rape you, she replied 'he's just trying to have some fun', if she bought cigarettes and not food when you didnt eat for 3 days, if she told lies just to keep you and your sister apart for a year, if she didnt even ring you on your wedding day, if your father killed himself because of her, if you had to look after your little sister (born year after her husbands deaths, unknown father), because she couldnt be bothered? Its just small example, but you get the idea
Maybe we are sisters??? My biological mother did everything as your mother has done. However, I have chosen not to hate her and have chosen not to love her. She died several years ago and all I could do was pray that she begged forgiveness for all her sins. There was and is no hate and no love....0 -
What I see in all this is I would have compassion toward her because it seems that she has gone through something that has caused a void in her heart/life. I see someone who is mentally unstable and needs help and does not know how to correct the malformalties. I see a hapless child that had kids while still being a lost child. I see someone who have been abused, misused and tossed aside. I see someone who does not know how to love and how it is to be loved. I see someone who needs help and probably will never seek it on her own.I think I used a word that is a bit too strong. I just dont care about her. If she got killed tomorrow I wouldnt care, wouldnt even shed a tear. Shes just nobody to me, means less to me than my dog (a lot less). But it makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one.
To those who said that I should love my mother because she gave birth to me, please tell me if you would if your mother was an alcoholic, drug addict (and drugs made her nasty and horrible), unpaid prostitute, liar(I dont remember her telling the truth, even if insignificant), thief (stole everything from you that she could find), if she never cleaned, cooked, and you had to clean and cook for her, if when one of her 'friends' tried to rape you, she replied 'he's just trying to have some fun', if she bought cigarettes and not food when you didnt eat for 3 days, if she told lies just to keep you and your sister apart for a year, if she didnt even ring you on your wedding day, if your father killed himself because of her, if you had to look after your little sister (born year after her husbands deaths, unknown father), because she couldnt be bothered? Its just small example, but you get the idea
As cold as your heart has grown it is hard to imagine that you could not see some of these same things.
Los
Really? Because all I see in that is she was unfortunate not to have a mother but a monster instead. You can pull all the mentally unstable drug using messed up child hood lines out all you can and try to feel sorry for her, but she was obviously a monster and didn't treat her children with respect.
Theres no excuse, she deserves no pity.0 -
Oh i feel u and No ur not wrong..
I hate both my parents and i do mean Hate.
Would not care if they fell off face of earth anyone reading this
don't judge u have not lived in my shoes and if u did u'd feel the same.0 -
What I see in all this is I would have compassion toward her because it seems that she has gone through something that has caused a void in her heart/life. I see someone who is mentally unstable and needs help and does not know how to correct the malformalties. I see a hapless child that had kids while still being a lost child. I see someone who have been abused, misused and tossed aside. I see someone who does not know how to love and how it is to be loved. I see someone who needs help and probably will never seek it on her own.I think I used a word that is a bit too strong. I just dont care about her. If she got killed tomorrow I wouldnt care, wouldnt even shed a tear. Shes just nobody to me, means less to me than my dog (a lot less). But it makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one.
To those who said that I should love my mother because she gave birth to me, please tell me if you would if your mother was an alcoholic, drug addict (and drugs made her nasty and horrible), unpaid prostitute, liar(I dont remember her telling the truth, even if insignificant), thief (stole everything from you that she could find), if she never cleaned, cooked, and you had to clean and cook for her, if when one of her 'friends' tried to rape you, she replied 'he's just trying to have some fun', if she bought cigarettes and not food when you didnt eat for 3 days, if she told lies just to keep you and your sister apart for a year, if she didnt even ring you on your wedding day, if your father killed himself because of her, if you had to look after your little sister (born year after her husbands deaths, unknown father), because she couldnt be bothered? Its just small example, but you get the idea
As cold as your heart has grown it is hard to imagine that you could not see some of these same things.
Los
It's easy to say that when you weren't the victim of this person.
But I do agree that hating someone gives that person power over you and for yourself, if might be better to let go of such a strong emotion. Not because the person it's directed at deserves that, but because YOU deserve it.0 -
Is this a serious question?
Ofcourse hating your mother is bad. She gave birth to you. Without her, you wouldn't be here! She deserves more respect than that.
There are obviously some issues between you which I'm sure can be sorted out.
I can't believe some of the answers people gave to this question!
Are you F*ing kidding? Since when is not being able to keep your legs together worthy of "more respect than that"? You clearly have no concept of what people go thru when they have parents that are violent, mentally sick and hateful to their children from day 1. I guess Casey Anthony is more respectable than I thought- NOT!0 -
Is this a serious question?
Ofcourse hating your mother is bad. She gave birth to you. Without her, you wouldn't be here! She deserves more respect than that.
There are obviously some issues between you which I'm sure can be sorted out.
I can't believe some of the answers people gave to this question!
Now I am lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with my Mum (and my Dad too) but I find your post incredibly patronising.
You are basically saying that because someone gives birth to you , you have to love and respect them regardless of how much **** they bring to your life.
Does this include drinkers and drug takers who leave their kids to fend for themselves? Does this include women who mentally, physically and emotionally abuse their kids? Does this include bitter, twisted women that criticise and cuss their kids every single day?
Love and respect in most relationships has to be earnt, but in parental relationships mutual love and respect SHOULD be a given. That is why I find it so shocking that some people can treat thier children so badly. It is one of the most shocking betrayals of trust IMO. Your parents should be your sanctury and safety - if they decide not to be then shame on them!!!
OP, you are not a bad or evil person - you are a survivor!
There was recently a newspaper article about parents who put their son in a room in Texas without any air conditioning or access to food and water because he wet his bed.
He died.
But the mother gave birth to him, so I guess she deserves respect.
Actually I read that story - it was his father and STEPmother. http://khmx.radio.com/2011/09/01/10-year-old-boy-dies-when-parents-refuse-him-water-for-wetting-the-bed/
And to the OP, hate is a wasted emotion. I pity my mother, she has many issues, had a hard life and didn't have any good parental role models. She's done the best she can, but we just flat don't get along. We are two totally different people and perhaps one day she'll accept me for who I am, until them I'm happy with myself. Period.0 -
i find you can love your family............. but that does not mean you have to like them
HA....so very true!
You can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your family! LOL0 -
Is this a serious question?
Ofcourse hating your mother is bad. She gave birth to you. Without her, you wouldn't be here! She deserves more respect than that.
There are obviously some issues between you which I'm sure can be sorted out.
I can't believe some of the answers people gave to this question!
Now I am lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with my Mum (and my Dad too) but I find your post incredibly patronising.
You are basically saying that because someone gives birth to you , you have to love and respect them regardless of how much **** they bring to your life.
Does this include drinkers and drug takers who leave their kids to fend for themselves? Does this include women who mentally, physically and emotionally abuse their kids? Does this include bitter, twisted women that criticise and cuss their kids every single day?
Love and respect in most relationships has to be earnt, but in parental relationships mutual love and respect SHOULD be a given. That is why I find it so shocking that some people can treat thier children so badly. It is one of the most shocking betrayals of trust IMO. Your parents should be your sanctury and safety - if they decide not to be then shame on them!!!
OP, you are not a bad or evil person - you are a survivor!
There was recently a newspaper article about parents who put their son in a room in Texas without any air conditioning or access to food and water because he wet his bed.
He died.
But the mother gave birth to him, so I guess she deserves respect.
Actually I read that story - it was his father and STEPmother. http://khmx.radio.com/2011/09/01/10-year-old-boy-dies-when-parents-refuse-him-water-for-wetting-the-bed/
And to the OP, hate is a wasted emotion. I pity my mother, she has many issues, had a hard life and didn't have any good parental role models. She's done the best she can, but we just flat don't get along. We are two totally different people and perhaps one day she'll accept me for who I am, until them I'm happy with myself. Period.
Apologies.
But it was the MOTHER in Tampa who shot both her teenage children for talking back. Is that a better example?
It was my friend's MOTHER who locked her out of her house in the middle of a New York winter in a snow storm because she missed curfew (and she was not allowed back inside until the next day), among many other things. My friend is 35, has a great life and still tears up when she talks about her childhood.0 -
Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:
I decided to look into this and knew that most people whe responded in the negative would be females. Can we can Oedipus complex, in reverse? I just hope you guys enjoy the same response when your children say the same thing to you. I don't have a relationship with my mother, but I definitely don't hate her. Since she decided not to squeeze my neck between her legs when I was passing through the birth canal, she is OK with me and always will be. Just think, she could have made decisions that would have not made you able to hate her. Now if you don't like the bit*hes attitude and behavior, I understand.0 -
Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:
I decided to look into this and knew that most people whe responded in the negative would be females. Can we can Oedipus complex, in reverse? I just hope you guys enjoy the same response when your children say the same thing to you. I don't have a relationship with my mother, but I definitely don't hate her. Since she decided not to squeeze my neck between her legs when I was passing through the birth canal, she is OK with me and always will be. Just think, she could have made decisions that would have not made you able to hate her. Now if you don't like the bit*hes attitude and behavior, I understand.
I get along very well with my mother and love her very much. She was a loving, wonderful mother to me as a child and is a good friend as well, now that I'm an adult. She bent over backwards for me when I got pregnant at 17 years old. We certainly had our bad moments, especially when I was a mouthy teenager, but I always loved her.
I think if you asked my daughter, who's 17 now, she would say she loves me, as well. But I've treated her kindly and with love and not given her a reason to feel differently.
Hating (or strongly disliking or whatever) a mother who abused and neglected you is not an reverse Oedipal complex. I suspect, based on the way you used that analogy, that you don't even know what it actually is.0 -
Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:
I don't care to hi-jack the thread by describing my own parents/childhood, but I can relate completely. I tried to have nothing to do with my parents as an adult, but I was/am too close to my grandparents, who were too hurt by my estrangement. I moved out of state but moved back closer to spend time with my grandparents, and just try to keep my contact with my parents to a minimum. My paternal grandma is the only living grandparent I have left now. I want to spend as much time with her as I can because I know she will be gone someday soon, but after she passes, I am moving (again) far away and not leaving a forwarding address or phone number.
To all those who like to play philosopher about hate being a choice and learning to forgive etc, hate IS a strong word, for a strong emotion, caused by terrible deeds. It is not a choice any more than having a sick, sadistic psychopath for a parent is a choice.
To the OP, I find the best thing to say to people, is "I don't have a relationship with my parents" and leave it at that, rather than I don't care or I hate them. You are not obligated to explain yourself any further. If it's any consolation, I used to wish fervently for my father's gruesome and long, slow demise. I find that after so many years of hating, I too simply just don't care anymore- MOST of the time. When something comes up that reminds me of the countless things he's done worthy of being hated over, I still feel that emotion. I'm sure I always will. At least until I've been free of him for twenty or so years. Maybe eventually it wont affect me at all anymore and I'll turn into some coffee-shop philosopher babbling about controlling our destiny and such.0 -
Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:
I thought the 10 commandments said to honor your father and mother? It says nothing about love or like. As long as you're not deliberately belittling or disrespecting your mother, you're fine. Honor does not mean be a doormat. My wife's mother is a total psycho-*****, I can see where you're coming from.0 -
Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:
We don't have to like what they do, but we can't hate or not care about our mothers. All we really need to do is have respect for them because regardless of what she's doing, you're here because she gave birth to you and I'm sure you're an awesome person that is a great asset to others in your life. Keep in mind, for whatever reason you are at odds with your mother, the longer you have a problem with her, the longer you are allowing her to control you through your emotions. I'm someone who DOES NOT like others having control over me so I had to get myself to a point where I just didn't bother even thinking about her or what she had done to me. I'm now at a point that when she is brought up, I have no feelings at all. There's no anger or hate just a sense of respect that acknowledges she's my mom and that's it. Hope it gets better for ya.
I have respect for those who respect me in return. My mother has NEVER shown me respect -- why does she automatically deserve my respect? Because she gave birth to me? Sorry, but respect is earned and not just given to someone.
We won't allow strangers to disrespect, hurt or belittle us... but we should show respect to this woman because she gave birth to us?
Nope. You get what you give. Treat me like crap and you do NOT get my respect, sorry.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I truly hope you never get treated that way.0 -
What I see in all this is I would have compassion toward her because it seems that she has gone through something that has caused a void in her heart/life. I see someone who is mentally unstable and needs help and does not know how to correct the malformalties. I see a hapless child that had kids while still being a lost child. I see someone who have been abused, misused and tossed aside. I see someone who does not know how to love and how it is to be loved. I see someone who needs help and probably will never seek it on her own.I think I used a word that is a bit too strong. I just dont care about her. If she got killed tomorrow I wouldnt care, wouldnt even shed a tear. Shes just nobody to me, means less to me than my dog (a lot less). But it makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one.
To those who said that I should love my mother because she gave birth to me, please tell me if you would if your mother was an alcoholic, drug addict (and drugs made her nasty and horrible), unpaid prostitute, liar(I dont remember her telling the truth, even if insignificant), thief (stole everything from you that she could find), if she never cleaned, cooked, and you had to clean and cook for her, if when one of her 'friends' tried to rape you, she replied 'he's just trying to have some fun', if she bought cigarettes and not food when you didnt eat for 3 days, if she told lies just to keep you and your sister apart for a year, if she didnt even ring you on your wedding day, if your father killed himself because of her, if you had to look after your little sister (born year after her husbands deaths, unknown father), because she couldnt be bothered? Its just small example, but you get the idea
As cold as your heart has grown it is hard to imagine that you could not see some of these same things.
Los
I have to say that I agree with Los. I have a mother who was just not meant to be a parent. I went through everything you mentioned and more. My mother had no problem allowing her biker friends to "use" me and my sister inappropriately in exchange for money or drugs. Some of you may say I should hate my mother for that. For many years I did. Then I realized I was wasting my energy on someone that I COULD NOT CHANGE. If she's to change, then she has to make the change. However Los is right. What I see is a mother who became a mother when she was still just a lost child. It is not by accident that people become drug addicts or alcoholics, or even take out their frustrations on their children because their children are the one thing that will not fight back. Sadly, there are definate mental issues connected and how can we hold someone accountable who doesn't even realilze the consequences of their actions? When someone has a drug or alcohol addiction they have no clue about anything except their own pain. The feelings you have toward your mother may be the same feelings she may have had toward someone in her life that ended up leading her down the road she chose to walk. Now I'm not saying that's the path you would take, I'm just trying to show you that someone somewhere in her life caused her pain that she could not cope with. Sadly, you were on the recieving end of her pain. It took me many years and counseling to get to the point that I can talk about my mother without using swear words. One of the things I had to realize was that I could not change what happened while I was growing up. It was already done and I had no control over that. What I did have control over was how I will handle myself now. Now, I do not have a relationship with her, and I don't care to have one, however I can now discuss her and not feel that flaming hot ball start up in my stomach.0 -
What I see in all this is I would have compassion toward her because it seems that she has gone through something that has caused a void in her heart/life. I see someone who is mentally unstable and needs help and does not know how to correct the malformalties. I see a hapless child that had kids while still being a lost child. I see someone who have been abused, misused and tossed aside. I see someone who does not know how to love and how it is to be loved. I see someone who needs help and probably will never seek it on her own.I think I used a word that is a bit too strong. I just dont care about her. If she got killed tomorrow I wouldnt care, wouldnt even shed a tear. Shes just nobody to me, means less to me than my dog (a lot less). But it makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one.
To those who said that I should love my mother because she gave birth to me, please tell me if you would if your mother was an alcoholic, drug addict (and drugs made her nasty and horrible), unpaid prostitute, liar(I dont remember her telling the truth, even if insignificant), thief (stole everything from you that she could find), if she never cleaned, cooked, and you had to clean and cook for her, if when one of her 'friends' tried to rape you, she replied 'he's just trying to have some fun', if she bought cigarettes and not food when you didnt eat for 3 days, if she told lies just to keep you and your sister apart for a year, if she didnt even ring you on your wedding day, if your father killed himself because of her, if you had to look after your little sister (born year after her husbands deaths, unknown father), because she couldnt be bothered? Its just small example, but you get the idea
As cold as your heart has grown it is hard to imagine that you could not see some of these same things.
Los
I have to say that I agree with Los. I have a mother who was just not meant to be a parent. I went through everything you mentioned and more. My mother had no problem allowing her biker friends to "use" me and my sister inappropriately in exchange for money or drugs. Some of you may say I should hate my mother for that. For many years I did. Then I realized I was wasting my energy on someone that I COULD NOT CHANGE. If she's to change, then she has to make the change. However Los is right. What I see is a mother who became a mother when she was still just a lost child. It is not by accident that people become drug addicts or alcoholics, or even take out their frustrations on their children because their children are the one thing that will not fight back. Sadly, there are definate mental issues connected and how can we hold someone accountable who doesn't even realilze the consequences of their actions? When someone has a drug or alcohol addiction they have no clue about anything except their own pain. The feelings you have toward your mother may be the same feelings she may have had toward someone in her life that ended up leading her down the road she chose to walk. Now I'm not saying that's the path you would take, I'm just trying to show you that someone somewhere in her life caused her pain that she could not cope with. Sadly, you were on the recieving end of her pain. It took me many years and counseling to get to the point that I can talk about my mother without using swear words. One of the things I had to realize was that I could not change what happened while I was growing up. It was already done and I had no control over that. What I did have control over was how I will handle myself now. Now, I do not have a relationship with her, and I don't care to have one, however I can now discuss her and not feel that flaming hot ball start up in my stomach.
I think it's your life and you're entitled to any feelings you have or choose towards your mother.
But so is the OP of this thread entitled to hers about her mother.0
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