WTF?!?! Personal question - opinions welcome!

ThePhoenixRose

Here's the deal... I like sex. I'm not ashamed of it. I LOVE it. I always have.

My husband has been less than enthusiastic about it. I realize I don't look as good as I'd like to, nor do I feel great about myself in general. BUT, when having sex, I feel great. I feel sexy, I feel powerful. He knows how I feel about it. I pretty much have to beg him to have sex with me. I don't think I should have to do that. I know a lot of guys who complain about their gals not wanting it, and I can totally relate to that! I do not identify with my girlfriends, at all, who say they just want to cuddle, or sleep. Sleep can wait!!!

Anyway, it's been this way for a long time, even before I gained the weight, so I know that's not it. But really? Why should I hve to beg for it all the time? I get turned down about 8 out of 10 times. Once, I decided not to ask. To just wait until he wanted it. I waited over a month, and finally broke down and asked. He said no, but we did shortly thereafter.

Am I crazy here? What is the problem? I understand he works hard and a lot. I stay home with our children though, so it's not like I'm sitting on my butt not doing anything! I am the one who gets up at nights, not him. When he goes to bed, he can stay there until his alarm goes off. I don't think I've ever done that!!

His usual excuse is that he's tired. Ugh.... So freaking tired of it!!! HELP!

Gary1977

I'm so sorry. Buy his a** a five hour energy & tell him to get to work.

Good luck & I hope things soon "heat up" on the home front.:flowerforyou:

cklbrown

My husband always wanted to have sex, but it just wasn't that good. Certainly not worth losing sleep over, so I am on the other side of the coin. I am envious of you. I wish I had wanted it and gotten some good sex more often!

fitnesspirateninja

Could be something medical. Maybe he should talk to his doctor?

alecta337

That seems wrong. Kick him in the butt and tell him that you have needs.

I don't mean to be vulgar, but sometimes if you want it and he doesn't, you can make it so you minimize the work he has to do...

Gary1977

My husband always wanted to have sex, but it just wasn't that good. Certainly not worth losing sleep over, so I am on the other side of the coin. I am envious of you. I wish I had wanted it and gotten some good sex more often!

Sorry about your struggle as well:flowerforyou:

pantoine

Remarkably, some men just have low libidos! I have one friend who's perfectly comfortable with once a month or less... thankfully he's married to someone who feels the same :-)

Now he may have a medical condition, such as low testosterone, which would indeed have him feeling tired all the time and not at all interested. Obviously being over weight, having diabetes and a variety of other conditions can have a negative effect on libido as well.

Perhaps this angle is worth exploring with him, gently, of course :-)

Cheryl_Catrair

Suggest to him that the two of you see a counselor. It is quite possible this is a battle about something else... and this creates a vicious cycle that leads to a lot of resentment for both of you. Good luck!

sarah44254

Could be something medical. Maybe he should talk to his doctor?

This, or a counselor, or else just sit and talk to him (didn't read that you've tried that, yet)

lbgano

Usually, if someone doesn't want to have sex, it's because they don't feel sexy.

It probably has less to do with how he feels about you and much more to do with how he feels about himself.

lilwashee

i know for me anyways my libedo is different he wants it all the time but in fact i am tired ...but i realize we have to have connections soo i tell myself go in the room and start doing some stuff and then naturally i will want to take it farther , sometimes just have to jump in .the hubby well he should do that as well to get him started

ThePhoenixRose

Remarkably, some men just have low libidos! I have one friend who's perfectly comfortable with once a month or less... thankfully he's married to someone who feels the same :-)

Now he may have a medical condition, such as low testosterone, which would indeed have him feeling tired all the time and not at all interested. Obviously being over weight, having diabetes and a variety of other conditions can have a negative effect on libido as well.

Perhaps this angle is worth exploring with him, gently, of course :-)

I'm wondering about this myself. He's working on getting healthier too, he's losing weight. Of course, he's 6ft and only about 205, so not overweight, but just not as fit as he'd like. He's a college soccer coach and math professor.

Maybe the low testosterone...

Hoppymom

Could be depression. I had a friend who ended her marriage because he just wasn't interested. He wanted to be married and was a good dad but lacked an interest in sex. Sad. It was a hard decision for her to make but she was young and vital and attractive and very lonely in her marriage.

sarah44254

Also depression (as well as anti-depression meds) can cause a lack of sex drive

ThePhoenixRose

Could be something medical. Maybe he should talk to his doctor?

This, or a counselor, or else just sit and talk to him (didn't read that you've tried that, yet)

We've talked about it. And talked. And talked. And... well, you get the idea. It always ends up the same way. I cry, he says he'll try harder, then I get pity sex. Not exactly the greatest way to get there!

And, FYI - when it DOES happen, it's amazing! Every time! Usually i "finish" multiple times, and ALWAYS get him there too! We both know it's going to great, so I don't understand why he doesn't want it.

aimstein

Sounds like he might have a deficiency somewhere. Have you talked to him....is he so overwhelmed with supporting the family he has resentment and is taking it out on you? I am a full time mom, wife, and student so I wonder that about my husband at times, but I can honestly say I've never encountered the same problem. This is a precarious situation...is he not interested in sex....or not interested in sex with you. I'm not being mean or ugly....this is a situation I went through with my twin sister. She wondered these things....turned out her husband was deficient in a hormone. It took some convincing but he finally went to the doc and they are great now. As women we always look to ourselves. Get it checked out. Do you think he would be open to it?

zeeeb

deficiency schishency.... seriously it doesn't have to be a medical issue, maybe he is just tired... I can understand that. I'd prefer sleep over sex often... people just have a certain drive, and we don't always match up... simple as that.

If you don't like it, do it yourself, or leave, that's the options. if you love him, you'll find a way to satisfy your needs, if not, i guess it wasn't worth it anyway.

juliecat1

ugh! Sorry. Been there - done that. Didnt end well.

Good suggestions though... talk about it, counseling, checking testosterone levels, etc... Try mixing things up. Maybe slip into something naughty and go on with your business - loudly. Make him beg to join you! Focus on him and making him feel wanted and sexy.

aimstein

[We've talked about it. And talked. And talked. And... well, you get the idea. It always ends up the same way. I cry, he says he'll try harder, then I get pity sex. Not exactly the greatest way to get there!

And, FYI - when it DOES happen, it's amazing! Every time! Usually i "finish" multiple times, and ALWAYS get him there too! We both know it's going to great, so I don't understand why he doesn't want it.
[/quote]

Well, maybe he is just tired. I can honestly say I've been there done that....as a very tired stay-at-home mommy going to school full time...by bedtime all I wanted to do was sleep! Times change though.....kids make you tired! My 4-yr. old son just started pre-k...I get all most of my homework done while he's at school and now it's on like donkey-kong. lol!!

Ocarina

I can say personally that I have a "low sex drive" and it's not because I'm not attracted to my significant other or don't love them. For me it plays into my self-esteem and just low urge to do it. I'm happy with every once in awhile. I bet he's just "that way" and your higher interest in sex can cause a conflict. I wouldn't make sex the sole focus in your marriage or you both could be very depressed. I would compensate and maybe talk to him about what will make him more interested in doing it or just come to an agreement that you shouldn't feel obligated to do it all the time. It should be something special you both want to do.

BUT if you guys are not close otherwise and you sense rejection or boredom from him then that is a TOTALLY different issue in my opinion. Internal relationship problems can be exposed when this issue comes up... Good luck.

i_love_vinegar

maybe he needs to feel the emotion before sex. ^.^ Like, make him feel really special with a nice dinner and massage wearing sexy lingerie and then ask for sex. ^.^ You could always give him oral too lol

I'm kinda like that so I think that might be the issue. He's tired and wants something sweet and romantic too.

NiciS72

OK, I peeked at your profile and see you are 30. It's a might early, but you may be hitting your sexual peek. Not sure how old your husband is, but if he's the same or older he may be hitting the tie where his testosterone is plummeting. if he's not regularly exercising this could add to it as well. I have three pieces of advice for YOU. First, don't ask for it TAKE IT. Most men like that! Second, if you don't already have one buy yourself a little friendly rabbit. I know, it's not the same, but it can help. And last, sit him down and talk to him and let him know how you feel. Tell him what you want and ask him how you two can meet in the middle to satisfy you both.

Good Luck!

ThePhoenixRose

Thanks for the suggestions, guys! I appreciate it. Just having a bad day, I guess, and feeling down. Thanks for the support and tough love too!

:flowerforyou:

MisterDubs303

How long does he spend in the shower?

ThePhoenixRose

About 5 minutes. I'm 99% sure he's just going without. He looks at porn, and I'm fine with that, as long as he's not replacing me with it. I love me some porn, and watch it with him, on occassion.

MisterDubs303

Since you've already spoken to him about it a lot, next time he has a doctor appointment, email the doctor ahead of time stating your concern. Maybe that will prompt the doctor to bring it up or do something, rather than your husband bailing out of bringing it up. After all, if he doesn't really see (feel) the problem, then he probably wouldn't be motivated to do anything about it.

ThePhoenixRose

Good idea... I'm pretty tight with our dr., so maybe I'll mention it to my hubby, and also to the dr. That way, if he bails, forgets, whatever, the doc may bring it up...

Thanks!

meggers123

Maybe he is honestly stressed or worn out. Maybe you could plan for a Saturday (or day he hasn't worked as much, not sure of his schedule), and give him a backrub, and help him relax and get in the mood.

Most people think the fellas are "always ready" if you will, but their "mood" can also be affected by work, stress, etc.

More tips:
Send him sexy texts, or leave a hinting note in his jacket pocket (or somewhere h'll find it)... anticipation leads to desire...
Do the work

Also (not meant as offensive) he may need help refueling his desire/attraction to you. If you don't feel sexy, it's hard for him to see you that way. Put on something sexy, dim the lights, put on some sexy time music... and Work-it. OR, the pposite, maybe he doesn't feel good about himself. So stroke his ego a bit... compliment him, I mean..

rfcollins33

deficiency schishency.... seriously it doesn't have to be a medical issue, maybe he is just tired... I can understand that. I'd prefer sleep over sex often... people just have a certain drive, and we don't always match up... simple as that.

If you don't like it, do it yourself, or leave, that's the options. if you love him, you'll find a way to satisfy your needs, if not, i guess it wasn't worth it anyway.

Wow... Really? Please tell me you left your mfp up and someone is playing a joke by writing this.

fbmandy55

He looks at porn, and I'm fine with that, as long as he's not replacing me with it. I love me some porn, and watch it with him, on occassion.

That's a good start. I agree with many other posters that maybe it's something he should talk to his MD or a counselor about. Sex is definitely one of the most inmportant factors in a relationship. Sadly, I've known many people in the same situation and it has ruined their relationship or at least made them very miserable.

Best of luck!

BrianTheNegotiator

So, if a guy doesn't want sex it MUST be a medical issue, and the guy is deficient in some way? But if a woman doesn't want sex, the guy is forcing himself on her, is an abnormal horndog, etc? That's a little sexist.

Basically, it sucks when the partners in any marriage have different sex drives, BUT those different sex drives don't have to be caused by medical deficiencies or mind games. They could just be normal differences, like personalities, hair color, height, etc. No two people are going to be exactly the same sexually. This is why people should live together before getting married, though - to work out things like this.