WTF?!?! Personal question - opinions welcome!

bug1114

I agree with some of the opinions on here, my first thoughts were low testosterone and depression. I also wonder if it has something to do with feeling pressured. Some men don't like that feeling and he may be building up resentment over it.

mrmanmeat

How can "i'm tired" be an excuse to not have sex?

for male or female.


If its not good, talk about it, make it good.

but tired? come on.


OP, have you talked to him about why? see what he has to say?

mrmanmeat

So, if a guy doesn't want sex it MUST be a medical issue, and the guy is deficient in some way? But if a woman doesn't want sex, the guy is forcing himself on her, is an abnormal horndog, etc? That's a little sexist.

Basically, it sucks when the partners in any marriage have different sex drives, BUT those different sex drives don't have to be caused by medical deficiencies or mind games. They could just be normal differences, like personalities, hair color, height, etc. No two people are going to be exactly the same sexually. This is why people should live together before getting married, though - to work out things like this.

Welcome to the real world. lol

rml_16

My best advice is COUNSELING.

You're in a sucky situation and it needs to be addressed. Sex is a physical and emotional need and your husband is neglecting you in that important aspect. He may have a good reason for it, but just saying no doesn't really work and will make things worse and worse in your relationship.

Good luck.

rml_16

This is why people should live together before getting married, though - to work out things like this.

I've lived with my boyfriend for more than six years. In the beginning, he wanted sex constantly. More than once a day. The last year or so, he barely wants it at all, and if I don't push it, it doesn't happen. Just went six weeks without because I decided to wait for him to make a move.

So ... how did living together help this particular issue? How long do you live together before you know? Apparently, longer than six years.

On the other hand, my friends who were both virgins on their wedding day are perfectly happy.

Carl01

Not a problem I have so can`t relate to being a guy not wanting sex,however it seems a lot more common then anyone thinks.
I have heard about several guys that are like that.

ohwhataday

ugh! Sorry. Been there - done that. Didnt end well.

Good suggestions though... talk about it, counseling, checking testosterone levels, etc... Try mixing things up. Maybe slip into something naughty and go on with your business - loudly. Make him beg to join you! Focus on him and making him feel wanted and sexy.

I read this too quickly and thought you had suggested slipping something into his drink! ahhhh!! hah

suzycreamcheese

sounds like me and my ex husband. He left me in the end. Didnt love me or fancy me anymore. Suddenly it all made sense

audigal2008

Some men (not all!) tend to take their woman for granted when they have been together so long. I can relate. Talking is the best way to sort this out. Best of luck to you both!

ThePhoenixRose

This is why people should live together before getting married, though - to work out things like this.

We lived together for more than a year and a half before getting married. We went through this before the wedding and we discussed it. I went so far as to tell him that, though I love him more than anything, I wasn't going to live a life without sex, and if this is how it was going to be, I was out. He insisted that he was just stressed, tired, etc. and that it would get better. We wax and wane, like any couple, but the good is just so few and far between.

The good news: I managed to "convince" him at about 3am today! Yahoo!!!! :blushing:

chocolateandvodka

been there.

nothing worked for me and i'm no longer married, so i'll refrain from giving advice

Jennjenn1974

There could be an underlying issue that he is just too embarassed to talk about. I agree with the counselling. He could go by himself at the start and then bring you in. He just may need a "safe" environment. He may not be feeling that with you (no disrespect inteded on your part). Most guys don't truly open up about thier feelings because they fear your reaction. I have no doubt you have done your best to create that safe environment.


Good luck, my friend :flowerforyou:



Edit -- I can't spell :grumble:

juliecat1

ugh! Sorry. Been there - done that. Didnt end well.

Good suggestions though... talk about it, counseling, checking testosterone levels, etc... Try mixing things up. Maybe slip into something naughty and go on with your business - loudly. Make him beg to join you! Focus on him and making him feel wanted and sexy.

I read this too quickly and thought you had suggested slipping something into his drink! ahhhh!! hah

ha! Hey.... that may work too! Whos got some roofies??

ilookthetype

About 5 minutes. I'm 99% sure he's just going without. He looks at porn, and I'm fine with that, as long as he's not replacing me with it. I love me some porn, and watch it with him, on occassion.

I think I love you.

I'd see a doc, if that doesn't explain it I'd see a sex therapist. Also, I'd buy some really great "toys" and just use them in bed, after he's said no, might help him pick up what you're putting down...

Liquid741

around age 40 the testosterone lvls start to drop...some of the symptoms are tired during the day, less sex drive, abnormal sleeping habits...i actually just had mine checked...almost age 40, but my lvls were great! i had the weird sleep paterns due to my work schedule, and i would get tired throughout the day...but at night, i would want to destroy my wife every night...

mine came back great, but it would be worth him getting it checked out.

bry_all01

omg, I thought it was just me...

I am EXTREMELY sexual, but my husband could almost care less about getting it on as much as I would like to. I too have gone months, and before, I used to ask, but after getting turned down a few times, I got over that and tried to wait it out. Eff that. I became very pissy and bratty, because I felt less than desirable.

Turns out he has some "man" issues that we have to deal with and he now has to take testosterone injections. Even though I know what it is now, it still makes me pissy and bratty when its been a while. I can't help it. I'm really pissy and bratty right now. Its been almost 3 weeks now... *sigh*

So, I feel your pain.... *hugs*

Qarol

My husband and I have a rule that started when we first became sexually active...there is no such answer as "no." I mean seriously, this is a marriage. You're not ALWAYS gonna be in the mood at the precise time as your partner. And sex isn't always about what YOU want. Sometimes, it's about what your partner wants. There have been times where I have just not felt like it. But when he starts getting frisky, I put on a big smile and do it anyway. That's our motto...do it anyway.

And you know what...usually about 5 minutes into foreplay, I get in the mood.

bry_all01

My husband and I have a rule that started when we first became sexually active...there is no such answer as "no." I mean seriously, this is a marriage. You're not ALWAYS gonna be in the mood at the precise time as your partner. And sex isn't always about what YOU want. Sometimes, it's about what your partner wants. There have been times where I have just not felt like it. But when he starts getting frisky, I put on a big smile and do it anyway. That's our motto...do it anyway.

And you know what...usually about 5 minutes into foreplay, I get in the mood.

That's a good motto. I like it. :bigsmile:

Mad_Dog_Muscle

I have never understood that. I guess it happens that a guy can have a low sex drive but fortunately I have never been one of them. If I could get it daily.... again IF I could get it daily, (I will repeat just in case my wife would like to come read this) .... IF - IF - IF I could get it daily, I would NEVER turn it down. I also subscribe to the "Sleep can wait" theory. :noway: :noway:

But a lot of guys are too stubborn to accept the fact there may be a medical condition. Get over it and go to the Doc. There are magic little pills out there that can work wonders... Look at Hugh Hefner! Dudes still getting laid at 120 yrs old!! Also, diet and exercise may help with the drive.

Best of luck to you!

Mad_Dog_Muscle

omg, I thought it was just me...

I am EXTREMELY sexual, but my husband could almost care less about getting it on as much as I would like to. I too have gone months, and before, I used to ask, but after getting turned down a few times, I got over that and tried to wait it out. Eff that. I became very pissy and bratty, because I felt less than desirable.

Turns out he has some "man" issues that we have to deal with and he now has to take testosterone injections. Even though I know what it is now, it still makes me pissy and bratty when its been a while. I can't help it. I'm really pissy and bratty right now. Its been almost 3 weeks now... *sigh*

So, I feel your pain.... *hugs*

Wait.... Huh.... What??? :noway: MONTHS?????? :noway: I am so naive, I had no clue the problem with some dudes was this serious!!!

ThePhoenixRose

My husband and I have a rule that started when we first became sexually active...there is no such answer as "no." I mean seriously, this is a marriage. You're not ALWAYS gonna be in the mood at the precise time as your partner. And sex isn't always about what YOU want. Sometimes, it's about what your partner wants. There have been times where I have just not felt like it. But when he starts getting frisky, I put on a big smile and do it anyway. That's our motto...do it anyway.

And you know what...usually about 5 minutes into foreplay, I get in the mood.

I like it! And I do try to respect that he works hard, and is truly tired sometimes, so I don't bug him about it those nights. I try to mention it early, so we can head to bed in good time, etc.

Bry - it's nice to know you're not alone, right?! I've gotten several messages from people who were embarassed to post it for all to see, but are/were going through similar situations. It happens, I know I'm not the only one ever, but it's still frustrating! Hope your dry-spell ends soon too! Good luck!!:flowerforyou:

audram420

This is why people should live together before getting married, though - to work out things like this.

We lived together for more than a year and a half before getting married. We went through this before the wedding and we discussed it. I went so far as to tell him that, though I love him more than anything, I wasn't going to live a life without sex, and if this is how it was going to be, I was out. He insisted that he was just stressed, tired, etc. and that it would get better. We wax and wane, like any couple, but the good is just so few and far between.

The good news: I managed to "convince" him at about 3am today! Yahoo!!!! :blushing:

Do you try to do it a different times of day/night...maybe the time you are wanting just doesn't work for him as far as him being tired from work or whatever. I know my husband was always wanting it right when i got home from evening shift and I was so tired...we ended up figuring out a better time when I wasn't so tired and cranky!! Good Luck!!

ArroganceInStep

A lot of folks are jumping to medical issues or saying to seek counseling and such. I'd suggest looking to things you can do on your own first, and if that fails then look for professional assistance. Just because a guy doesn't want sex as much as you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him.

And to the person who asked how being tired could possibly be an excuse for not having sex...I'm a guy and I most work days I wake up at 4AM to get on a train to go to work, I'm then lucky if I get to bed by 10PM. Comparing my libido during the week when I'm exhausted to a week when I have off or when I can work from home is a night and day difference. And that sleeping schedule is heaven compared to what I understand it gets to be for couples with children. Being tired most certainly is a valid reason.

I would suggest trying talking to him. Discuss the things that interest or attract him and try to do those more often. Always being the person having to ask or beg for it sucks, a lot of couples actually schedule time for sex [I'm one of them, if me and my fiance don't plan for it we never have the time and then I'm very sad =( ]. It does lose a little because of the lack of spontaneity, but you gain more of the frequency you desire. Also the regularity of it tends to help in and of itself (if you know it's coming on say Wednesday, you look forward to it and think about it before hand and that gets you going). I think it helps couples with different sex drive levels.

Finally you can look at the natural things that can be done to increase testosterone levels. What I'm going to say I read in muscle fitness so take it with a grain of salt, but trying the things they say appears to have a noticeable impact on myself personally:
Get enough sleep, exercise hard, drink a protein shake during/after your workout, eat enough healthy fats and proteins but don't overdo it and don't completely neglect carbs, and go easy on alcohol. (there were other things but those were the ones that stuck with me)

Keeping the physical part of a relationship alive takes work for all couples. Communication to figure out what your partner can do and, perhaps more importantly, what you can do to stay happy and then following through on those plans is very important.

Good luck!

ninerbuff

I'm gonna say it's low testosterone. Males have it elevated from about 12 to 28. Then it slowly declines. Being overweight accelerates it, and being physically inactive even more.
I'm a total horndog when it comes to sex.

bry_all01

omg, I thought it was just me...

I am EXTREMELY sexual, but my husband could almost care less about getting it on as much as I would like to. I too have gone months, and before, I used to ask, but after getting turned down a few times, I got over that and tried to wait it out. Eff that. I became very pissy and bratty, because I felt less than desirable.

Turns out he has some "man" issues that we have to deal with and he now has to take testosterone injections. Even though I know what it is now, it still makes me pissy and bratty when its been a while. I can't help it. I'm really pissy and bratty right now. Its been almost 3 weeks now... *sigh*

So, I feel your pain.... *hugs*

Wait.... Huh.... What??? :noway: MONTHS?????? :noway: I am so naive, I had no clue the problem with some dudes was this serious!!!

my bad, it has been a month here and there, but happened over and over. He would do it to make me happy.

bry_all01

My husband and I have a rule that started when we first became sexually active...there is no such answer as "no." I mean seriously, this is a marriage. You're not ALWAYS gonna be in the mood at the precise time as your partner. And sex isn't always about what YOU want. Sometimes, it's about what your partner wants. There have been times where I have just not felt like it. But when he starts getting frisky, I put on a big smile and do it anyway. That's our motto...do it anyway.

And you know what...usually about 5 minutes into foreplay, I get in the mood.

I like it! And I do try to respect that he works hard, and is truly tired sometimes, so I don't bug him about it those nights. I try to mention it early, so we can head to bed in good time, etc.

Bry - it's nice to know you're not alone, right?! I've gotten several messages from people who were embarassed to post it for all to see, but are/were going through similar situations. It happens, I know I'm not the only one ever, but it's still frustrating! Hope your dry-spell ends soon too! Good luck!!:flowerforyou:

it is nice to know, but I do know what his issue is, so I feel really selfish when I act bratty, not to mention I ask when I want it, which is usually later in the evening after he's alrady taken his sleeping meds. But, hey, I want it when I want it... lol

ThePhoenixRose

A lot of folks are jumping to medical issues or saying to seek counseling and such. I'd suggest looking to things you can do on your own first, and if that fails then look for professional assistance. Just because a guy doesn't want sex as much as you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him.

And to the person who asked how being tired could possibly be an excuse for not having sex...I'm a guy and I most work days I wake up at 4AM to get on a train to go to work, I'm then lucky if I get to bed by 10PM. Comparing my libido during the week when I'm exhausted to a week when I have off or when I can work from home is a night and day difference. And that sleeping schedule is heaven compared to what I understand it gets to be for couples with children. Being tired most certainly is a valid reason.

I would suggest trying talking to him. Discuss the things that interest or attract him and try to do those more often. Always being the person having to ask or beg for it sucks, a lot of couples actually schedule time for sex [I'm one of them, if me and my fiance don't plan for it we never have the time and then I'm very sad =( ]. It does lose a little because of the lack of spontaneity, but you gain more of the frequency you desire. Also the regularity of it tends to help in and of itself (if you know it's coming on say Wednesday, you look forward to it and think about it before hand and that gets you going). I think it helps couples with different sex drive levels.

Finally you can look at the natural things that can be done to increase testosterone levels. What I'm going to say I read in muscle fitness so take it with a grain of salt, but trying the things they say appears to have a noticeable impact on myself personally:
Get enough sleep, exercise hard, drink a protein shake during/after your workout, eat enough healthy fats and proteins but don't overdo it and don't completely neglect carbs, and go easy on alcohol. (there were other things but those were the ones that stuck with me)

Keeping the physical part of a relationship alive takes work for all couples. Communication to figure out what your partner can do and, perhaps more importantly, what you can do to stay happy and then following through on those plans is very important.

Good luck!

I appreciate your view and you have some valid points. While we don't necessarily plan a "sex night," we do discuss during the day if we're going to be able to do it that night. We'd love to try one of the other suggestions and do it at different times of day, but with kids who don't nap, that's next to impossible! It's pretty much always at night, in the bed. I'd much rather be spontaneous and do it where- and whenever the mood strikes, but that's just not practical.

I do my best to do things I know he likes. Lingerie is his thing. I specifically bought a corset, thong, thigh-highs, and his favorite sexy black knee high boots to wear for him. He LOVED it, and it's worked a few times, but it's not something I can do every time, or that gets old too.

I try to mix it up and do/wear/try different things. Anyway... I'll stop whining now. Thanks everyone!

ArroganceInStep

How old are they? Like 4, 5 months? Plenty old enough to kick em out of the house for a few hours!!! (Kidding of course)

It's not whining if you're trying to solve the problem.

Have you thought about getting a sitter and doing an evening away once a month or something (don't know if that's practical for you).

Pardon the TMI, but in my opinion there is very little in this world better than crazy hotel room sex, especially if you can spring for a room with a hot tub in it

T_R_A_V

I have a friend like this and I totally dont get it.....all that has to happen normally for me is a gust of wind and Im ready

ambermichon

I am 30 as well and have the same exact issue. I made him go to the doctor and he is on testosterone ( it was very low) and is losing weight. this has helped a lot. still not where i want it but its better.