"Nice" guys? blech!
robin52077
Posts: 4,383 Member
I thought this was an interesting read:
The following was taken from http://tinyurl.com/rpg
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Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS
You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless ***** for dumping him."
I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like ****, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea."
If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.
What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.
Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...
Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.
Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".
They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.
They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.
Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.
Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.
Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm here."
The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"
More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!
Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.
This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".
Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.
You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.
The following was taken from http://tinyurl.com/rpg
_______________________________________________________________________
Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS
You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless ***** for dumping him."
I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like ****, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea."
If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.
What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.
Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...
Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.
Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".
They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.
They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.
Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.
Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.
Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm here."
The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"
More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!
Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.
This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".
Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.
You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.
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Replies
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wowza! I'm never calling my husband a nice guy again!0
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Interesting article and I find it to be quite true. As I put on the pounds I started to lose that self confidence that I had through my mid-20's. I started to date those that first showed interest in me rather than the way it was when i was younger. But now that I'm getting a lot closer to where i was weight wise (with more muscle -
) the confidence is back and I'm taking a greater interest in doing things for me which takes away some of those "nice guy" qualities. Doesn't mean i'm not nice - just not a clingy sucker. 0 -
OMG YES!!!!0
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Agreed. I dated the nice guys, the good ol' boys, and the bad boys. The nice guys were nice, but they were forever throwing things at me. Now I like a little jewlrey, for a special occassion, but neither my love nor my who-ha is bought with currency. At the end of the day those were the relationships that lasted the shortest, because while it is nice to be fawned over now and again I couldn't stand the insecurity. It had a very passive aggressive and manipulative feel to it.
Real nice guys are just that, they're honest, secure, and open . . . I married a real nice guy, a good man.
Edited out my double negative . . . I swear you cannot buy my who-ha0 -
That article is so true! Love yourself so others can love you, guys.0
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I am going home and punch my wife in the face because of this article. Maybe she will respect me more....IJS.0
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It's kinda like this...
Why I love my husband?
Because he kisses my *kitten* but doesn't take any of my *kitten*0 -
OMG SO TRUE! I want a man thats going to stand toe to toe with me. Respecting me is one thing, but worshiping is completely ridiculous.0
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notice how a lot of those 'nice' guy qualities are also passive/aggressive traits? been there, done that, no thanks!0
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Word up. No one likes a doormat.
I'd go so far as to say that nice guys aren't really all that nice. They're manipulative. They do "nice" things because they think it will earn them points, not because they just want to do nice things.
Truly good people don't need to tell anyone, "I'm a nice guy." Their actions speak for them. If you have to tell people you're nice, you're not.
But in all honesty, a good chunk of the "bad guys," the ones who fancy themselves pickup artists or don juans, are JUST as insecure, needy and clingy. They use a facade of uncaring instead of a facade of niceness.0 -
It's kinda like this...
Why I love my husband?
Because he kisses my *kitten* but doesn't take any of my *kitten*
mine always asks what I want for dinner. My response is usually "um, you to make a decision on what you are making for me, love you...."0 -
My personal thought - Nice is a bare minimum.
When I hear a guy described as nice what that says to me is that there isn't anything more interesting to say about him.0 -
Wow... umm... SOO TRUE!0
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sending this to one of my Nice Guy friends!0
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Yeah, I always tell my hubs that he's a good man, not a "nice" guy.wowza! I'm never calling my husband a nice guy again!0 -
The horror of this article and reality is that some guys who are even much older than me, will never ever learn because of lack of experience. Take the Man who has been married for the last 20 years and then finds himself single for the first time in his life. He will have much suffering to go through before he actually understands what he's doing wrong.0
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I totally dated one of those! And I felt horrible when I stopped seeing him because he was so nice. But I was 20 and he told me he loved me after like 3 dates! 20 year olds don't wanna hear that.0
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I really like this post, and I think it's true. I was in one of those relationships at one point.
The only thing I'd like to point out is that some truly nice guys don't fall into this category. Some actually are confident in themselves, but those just aren't the ones who end up in situations like this article describes. They find healthy relationships instead.
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Former "nice guy" here. This is so true. Stop worry about weather someone else likes you, you must like yourself first and you must be confidant in your own skin. Forget about getting her to like you. She either will or she wont.0
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sending this to one of my Nice Guy friends!
He is your firend? then you know that he wants you? right?0 -
I think there is a little of Nice Guys in all of us. Some nice and some bad. We all have different feelings and different things that make us feel the way we do. Men at a young age that get off to a bad start with girls, can be part of the problem. If most of the girls a young man asked out or to dance said no. He might end up one of these Nice Guys. Poor guy. This is something to think about .0
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*applause.
Perhaps this is why i find arrogance so attractive? I want to feel like he is treating me differently than he would anyone else. If he's normally an arrogant *kitten*, but with me he's a little sweeter, a little nicer... i might find myself completely enamored with him.0 -
Soooo true!! I dated a "nice guy" once. He would get upset because I wasn't constantly hugging him or telling him how much I loved him and knew exactly how to manipulate my feelings so that I would feel like I was a horrible girlfriend because I didn't want to spend every waking minute with him. The sad thing is, he's actually the oldest guy I've ever dated. Guess some people never learn...0
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HI!
I'm often called nice! Until we get some tequila!0 -
I've read a similar article and that was what I was alluding to in my post in the "dating in 2011 seriously" thread.
Like someone else said, they aren't actually nice. They are manipulative and are waiting for their opportunity.
I also find when someone describes themselves as a nice guy, they don't have any other redeeming features. They are insecure, don't have a sense of humor or adventure, and aren't really getting anywhere with life so the best thing they can come up with is "I'm a nice guy". Something that doesn't really need to be pointed out because not many people consider themselves to be mean or nasty. Of course YOU think you're a nice guy! The question is, does anyone else?0 -
Soooo true!! I dated a "nice guy" once. He would get upset because I wasn't constantly hugging him or telling him how much I loved him and knew exactly how to manipulate my feelings so that I would feel like I was a horrible girlfriend because I didn't want to spend every waking minute with him. The sad thing is, he's actually the oldest guy I've ever dated. Guess some people never learn...
There's a reason he was still single.0 -
It all boils down to two words; Self Respect. This article describes a person with zero self respect. My Dad used to tell me, "You cannot be good to anybody, until you are good to Yourself". He also used to say that "the man in the mirror, is the most important person on Earth"! Word's to live by.0
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This hasn't been said, but this also applies to women, and sometimes they're even worse than guys.0
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Bleh..what a crock....but then again...I'm not a nice guy..
Nice has become the latest redefined word in the English dictionary and its a single adjective that by itself does not indicate any of the things indicated by the original OP
All the bandwagon followers jump and go ...oh me too..and me too...
When you add in insecure..clingy....jealous..too generous...then maybe you have a point.0 -
I love and agree with the majority of this article. Confidence (which, in my book, is not the same as "cockiness") is sexy. Knowing what you want and believe in and being able to stand up for that and for youself is as well. Doing what everyone else wants, all the time, never speaking your mind, never having an opinion (that you are willing to share) ... those are not turn ons. I want someone who believes in himself and will support me if he agrees with me, stands up to me if he doesn't ... and who knows that it really is OK to agree to disagree ... which is a far cry different than agreeing with me to appease the situation.0
This discussion has been closed.
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