Feeling like the worst person ever
Replies
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the funny thing is- they love their crates, they have bones and chew toys in there
We never used the crates as punishment so it is just somewhere they like to be- half the time we are home, they lay in the crates (which are wide open) out of choice
My boyfriend had this philosophy, and its true, dogs are den animals, they like it, but if the dogs can be left with the crates open they'll be able to stretch and you won't have to worry about them being crated so long...0 -
My boyfriend had this philosophy, and its true, dogs are den animals, they like it, but if the dogs can be left with the crates open they'll be able to stretch and you won't have to worry about them being crated so long...
ah yes- have tried that many times, to the result of nearly all of my shoes, the rug, the legs of the tables and chairs and my computer cord being chewed to pieces.0 -
I am older than you and speak from experience. It appears your boyfriend is a control freak. Since you are working two jobs, going to school, have no dogs and the apartment is yours, put him out with his dogs. He will never change. He will always react to things such as this in the same manner and it will only get worse. If he takes the dogs out around 6 or 6:30, it is a waste of time to take them out again at 7:00. He requires this from you because he is a control freak. Run, do not walk, run away from this person.0
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I am older than you and speak from experience. It appears your boyfriend is a control freak. Since you are working two jobs, going to school, have no dogs and the apartment is yours, put him out with his dogs. He will never change. He will always react to things such as this in the same manner and it will only get worse. If he takes the dogs out around 6 or 6:30, it is a waste of time to take them out again at 7:00. He requires this from you because he is a control freak. Run, do not walk, run away from this person.
*clapping*0 -
^^^ this. Absolutely.I am older than you and speak from experience. It appears your boyfriend is a control freak. Since you are working two jobs, going to school, have no dogs and the apartment is yours, put him out with his dogs. He will never change. He will always react to things such as this in the same manner and it will only get worse. If he takes the dogs out around 6 or 6:30, it is a waste of time to take them out again at 7:00. He requires this from you because he is a control freak. Run, do not walk, run away from this person.
Let's just ignore the dog issue, and focus on the control freak issue.
HE WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER CHANGE. It will NOT happen. Even if this situation gets "worked out", another one will come up. and so on, forever.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. And, believe it or not, there are better men out there, available, and just waiting for the opportunity to be an equal partner in a relationship.0 -
YOU DESERVE BETTER. And, believe it or not, there are better men out there, available, and just waiting for the opportunity to be an equal partner in a relationship.
^thank you
very kind words 0 -
Can't someone have a bad day, guys? Wow.
For people who don't know either person and have only heard one side you are very quick to judge this man and this relationship.
OP, he needs to train his dogs.0 -
i know they do- and they have only once in their lives been left at home for an extended period of time for a funeral 2 states away that we were at- 4 hours there, 4 hours back, 1 hour funeral, 1 hour interment, that all of our friends/family were at. Unavoidable. I have had animals all my life and love them dearly, I spend more money on them than I do myself, and never mistreat them
Unavoidable ? Sorry, don't buy that either. If that were me, I would make arrangements to address their comfort (like I would with my own kids). Get a neighbour or a family member to come in and relieve them or have someone dog sit. I wouldn't even consider going anywhere with no plan in place to take care of their needs. .. but that's just me. Dogs basic needs are simplistic but not so simplistic that they should be forced to just wait for it until it's convenient.
You may very well be a wonderful caring person .. but to knowingly leave an animal that long without comfort breaks .. is NOT proper care or 'fine'. THAT is factual .. not just an opinion.
What saddens me is ...
People do it all the time .. and think it's perfectly acceptable, because THEY feel the dog is just 'fine'. I don't think so.
Some think is also perfectly acceptable to tie a dog up in the yard in 100+ temps with no shade or water supply...because they are just a dog. I don't think so.
I can go into all kinds of abusive cases where people 'think' their dogs are just 'fine' .. and they are most certainly NOT fine.
Please, Please, Please .. I implore you .. Think of those dogs not from YOUR own perspective but from THIERS and be empathic to their basic needs. If you can't be home to let them out during the day..make other arrangements. Keep in mind, as dogs age, they experience the same bladder control and lack thereof as aging people do. Incontinence is devastating for a dog on even a higher level than a human. Their need to please their masters is over the top .. and if they 'relieve themselves" where they have been trained not to, they are devastated. Just the same as people.0 -
I am older than you and speak from experience. It appears your boyfriend is a control freak. Since you are working two jobs, going to school, have no dogs and the apartment is yours, put him out with his dogs. He will never change. He will always react to things such as this in the same manner and it will only get worse. If he takes the dogs out around 6 or 6:30, it is a waste of time to take them out again at 7:00. He requires this from you because he is a control freak. Run, do not walk, run away from this person.
*clapping*
Sounds like Transferance to me....Is he guilty about something and is shifting blame. Just wondering.0 -
i know they do- and they have only once in their lives been left at home for an extended period of time for a funeral 2 states away that we were at- 4 hours there, 4 hours back, 1 hour funeral, 1 hour interment, that all of our friends/family were at. Unavoidable. I have had animals all my life and love them dearly, I spend more money on them than I do myself, and never mistreat them
And this is why HE needs to tend to HIS dogs.0 -
Sounds to me like he needs to have his head surgically removed from his *kitten*0
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the funny thing is- they love their crates, they have bones and chew toys in there
We never used the crates as punishment so it is just somewhere they like to be- half the time we are home, they lay in the crates (which are wide open) out of choice
Yeah my dogs love their crates too, it's like their room. Lil dexter puts himself to bed everynight in his crate and My fiance says when I am not home they lay in Atty's (she's bigger) together until I come home.0 -
Until I started this new job, and every day after than except this one, I let them out at 7, and was home by 1 to let them out. I GLADLY spent over $1000 in August to take care of their veterinary needs. Mind you, these aren't my dogs but they have an extremely cushy life- now I am 19, and because of the amount of money that having dogs, and a car, and an apartment costs, I needed a second job. It is his repsonsibility to take care of these dogs, not mine. He works in the town we live in. Do not berate me for not letting them out enough because I let them out, feed them, brush them, and bathe them more than anyone else that comes into contact with them
PLUS I started this thread because i felt GUILTY for not letting them out, not to complain about them BTW0 -
has an uncanny talent for making me feel really guilty for things that shouldn't matter! it is a talent that i wish i had so i could use it on him when he leaves piles of sweaty socks on my porch for me to pick up and wash!
This is NOT good nor healthy for a relationship on any level. All he is doing is manipulating you. I would seek counciling for the both of you and if he refuses, sell the ring, take 75% of his movies and Music and DUMP HIM!
Ungrateful SOB0 -
My boyfriend had this philosophy, and its true, dogs are den animals, they like it, but if the dogs can be left with the crates open they'll be able to stretch and you won't have to worry about them being crated so long...
ah yes- have tried that many times, to the result of nearly all of my shoes, the rug, the legs of the tables and chairs and my computer cord being chewed to pieces.
Right, hence the training suggestion...0 -
No one can make you feel anything unless you allow them to. You are a loving lovely person who deserves to be with someone who is a grown up. Please hear me when I say this, you appear to be living as a victim..I know from where I speak. A lot of counseling and introspective thinking. Everyone is correct in that these dogs are not your responsibility, it's ok to help but they are his. Time for some healthy boundaries and letting go of fear.0
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Until I started this new job, and every day after than except this one, I let them out at 7, and was home by 1 to let them out. I GLADLY spent over $1000 in August to take care of their veterinary needs. Mind you, these aren't my dogs but they have an extremely cushy life- now I am 19, and because of the amount of money that having dogs, and a car, and an apartment costs, I needed a second job. It is his repsonsibility to take care of these dogs, not mine. He works in the town we live in. Do not berate me for not letting them out enough because I let them out, feed them, brush them, and bathe them more than anyone else that comes into contact with them
PLUS I started this thread because i felt GUILTY for not letting them out, not to complain about them BTW
Seriously, you need to kick this guy to the curb before you've got legal reasons trapping you. You shouldn't be paying for his dogs, that is madness. Get out while you can.0 -
Sweetie, think long and hard before you take the plunge with this ungrateful SOB. Seriously, any question from him via text or otherwise as to how your day is going? Or is a continuous stream of ways of making you feel guilty? Are you secure enough about yourself where you can truly put what's important to you FIRST? I am all for commitment and working hard for a relationship, but what's he giving? Sounds like a lot of grief to me for an honest mistake.
Please, do yourself a favor and make sure you're ok with sticking with this guy the rest of your life!!
<<APPLAUD>>
And WOW at those legs NC!0 -
Explain to him tonight after there has been sometime you are tired, upset, and you didn't mean to. Just talk it out. I've gotten angry over stupid stuff that hit me the wrong way with my wife and vice versa. Usually after about a little bit of time (usually and hour or so, I'm STUBBORN) I see her point and we talk it out and all is good. If he is like that all the time, probably not a great way to start your marriage. I usually get annoyed angry a couple times a year. (Hey I can admit it) and 99.8% of the time I'm wrong. (Wife would say 100% but I remember 1 time after we first got married!) Communication is key.
Also not letting the dogs out seems like a bad reason to get ticked. They are his dogs, be responsible for your own animals and not expect others to take care of them for you. Isn't that a basic rule parents teach their kids?0 -
My gush, you're so brave, his reaction was outrageous ! But, we can't judge anything, not him or your relationship based on this situation only.
The only way to finish this is to communicate.
You already have apologized. So, explain him everything now, every little thing of your journey.
If he loves his dogs so much, he maybe have to sort out another solution to take care of them.
Take care.0 -
They were 'fine'?? ... AFTER 10 HRS ??? Are you kidding me?
Sure, they may seem fine .. because they can't communiticate their distress of having a full bladder and cramped from being in a crate for 10 .. I repeat 10 hours! .. as if 8 hours isn't bad enough!
Have you EVER considered doing that yourself? How would you feel after say 4 hrs ? 6 hrs? 10 hrs? with no bathroom break. Krikey .. have you EVER gone on a long distance trip trapped in a car? After a few hours .. how do you feel sitting in one position the whole time .. YOU feel the need to empty your bladder and stretch your legs, right?
I don't know how else to say this ... DOGS FEEL PAIN AND DISCOMFORT EXACTLY THE SAME AS PEOPLE .. The only difference is they can't communicate it. Even after suffering the discomfort to the degree they do, they have the uncanning ability to feel elation when you finally do get home.
Good Grief!!!! People .. What are you thinking?
I'm thinking they are the boy friends dogs and his responsibility. Him getting mad at her for not taking care of them for him is irresponsible. If he wants to have the dogs he needs to make sure they are provided for. I do agree that being locked up for 10 hours is hard on dogs. It sounds like the boyfriend may not be able to properly take care of the dogs, which is his issue.0 -
My gush, you're so brave, his reaction was outrageous ! But, we can't judge anything, not him or your relationship based on this situation only.
The only way to finish this is to communicate.
You already have apologized. So, explain him everything now, every little thing of your journey.
If he loves his dogs so much, he maybe have to sort out another solution to take care of them.
Take care.
Thank you so much- he doesn't get angry often, and he is a very loving person and we have a good relationship, it is a two way street and we are a team. I think it has been a rough week for both of us and we can only do our best0 -
My other suggestion, have that fiance train his freaking dogs so they don't have to be crated.
Seriously. My bullmastiff has free reign of the house when I'm gone. As soon as my Daniff is trained, he'll be out of his crate and roaming the house too.0 -
is it possible that he's really upset about you being considerably more busy than you used to be, and having less time for the two of you to spend together. and this is just an excuse to let out that anger or frustration?0
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thank you everyone (I think my horse is goodlooking too)!! i don't know why, but he has an uncanny talent for making me feel really guilty for things that shouldn't matter! it is a talent that i wish i had so i could use it on him when he leaves piles of sweaty socks on my porch for me to pick up and wash!
I don't mean to over step my bounds but after reading this I feel compelled to write this. You need to rethink whether or not you really want to marry this guy. If your not married yet and he's showing you this side of him and using his "talent" for inducing guilt, then he COULD be much worse after you're married, especially with kids. Just think twice, not marrying him or even breaking up will hurt no doubt but in the long run it would be less painful, emotionally, physically, and financially. It's much worse with children involved. I wish you the best.0 -
Sounds like you both need to talk it out- #1 relationship killer- lack of communication. If he doesn't want to hear it then you are in affect, an employee- dirty socks, ect, rules that apply to you don't apply to him.
Hopefully for you both its just tough time but no one deserves to be yelled at in any relationship- have a better rest of your day!!! Don't forget your workout- we get super stressed and we need our exercise to give us the balance 0 -
tell him doggie style can solve almost anything..he'll be happy0
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I'm new to the site, but I think I recognize venting when I see it. I have two great big dogs and am fostering a third and I work and I know how much care they are. As you said, you felt guilty about neglecting the dogs and no amount of people telling you you shouldn't feel guilty is going to change the way you feel. It's the way you feel, you can't help it. However, maybe your boyfriend needs to take a look at his responsibilities and your responsibilities and start being a bit more reasonable with what his expectations of you are. It sounds like he needs to learn that relationships are give and take, not just take, take. Maybe each of you should make a list and compare. Maybe if he sees it in black and white he'll realize he should be helping you out, not pushing more on you.
Good luck.0 -
Gosh people...I know you all mean well, but it seems like the OP (an obviously stressed-out girl) just wanted to vent a little bit, and sure did get a lot of unsolicited advice about her relationship, and dog care in return.
Someone who is smart enough to be supporting herself while working two jobs AND going to school at 19 years old, is probably level-headed enough to know if she wants to marry this guy. Its easy to give advice when you hear someone vent (I'm guilty of doing it too, and also guilty of complaining about my man's bad days and making him sound terrible when he is actually a great guy). Every relationship has its little quirks and silly things people fight about...doesn't necessarly mean this guy is an evil manipulator.0 -
Until I started this new job, and every day after than except this one, I let them out at 7, and was home by 1 to let them out. I GLADLY spent over $1000 in August to take care of their veterinary needs. Mind you, these aren't my dogs but they have an extremely cushy life- now I am 19, and because of the amount of money that having dogs, and a car, and an apartment costs, I needed a second job. It is his repsonsibility to take care of these dogs, not mine. He works in the town we live in. Do not berate me for not letting them out enough because I let them out, feed them, brush them, and bathe them more than anyone else that comes into contact with them
PLUS I started this thread because i felt GUILTY for not letting them out, not to complain about them BTW
I am not berating you .. You seem to think that there is nothing wrong with leaving dogs for that long ... I am trying to convince you otherwise. I don't care if they are your dogs or his dogs. We are talking about your way of thinking.
Having said that, You are justified in thinking that these dogs are ultimately his responsibility ... if .. and only if .. they are not and will never be 'family' pets. Tyically, if you want to live together you have to assume somethings as communal property or responsibility or you have to come to agreement on which is which. .If you are living together and have decided to not combine your household, and that you will keep somethings seperated, you have to come to a decision and agreement on what is "yours, mine and ours". If the dogs remain as HIS pets and his pets only .. then he should not expect you to feed them, take them to the vet, pay for the vet bills, or care for them in any way.
Perhaps, in his mind, he thinks he is taking care of his dogs needs by delegating the task of their morning break to you. If you don't take care of that inrefutable need, then the blame falls back on him which will ultimately cause him to be displeased with you. Which ever way you work it out ... The dogs needs were not being met ... and ultimately THEY are the ones who suffer the consequences.0
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