Chuck Norris jokes please

13

Replies

  • nerdyandilikeit
    nerdyandilikeit Posts: 2,185 Member
    When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
  • nerdyandilikeit
    nerdyandilikeit Posts: 2,185 Member
    Chuck Norris uses paper to cut scissors.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    It's not a Chuck Norris joke until he laughs....and he's laughing at you
  • tross0924
    tross0924 Posts: 909 Member
    Jesus may be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
  • mamabearr
    mamabearr Posts: 304
    Jesus may be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

    Ahahahha love it
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands...now they are known as The Islands
  • TripleJ3
    TripleJ3 Posts: 945 Member
    Chuck Norris can run over his enemies with a parked car.



    Chuck Norris walked out the first day of kindergarten when he found out they had recess. He doesn't play.


    When Chuck Norris is thirsty he drinks a pint of peanut butter.

    Chuck Norris always messes with the Zohan, the Zohan never messes with Chuck Norris.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    The following is a list of things Chuck Norris can't do:
    1.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    The word 'kemosabe' is native American for "Chuck Norris screwed your wife".
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris can place his handprint in dry cement.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris once challanged Lance Armstrong to a testicle contest.... Chuck Norris won by 3!
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Big Foot takes plaster molds of Chuck Norris' footprints
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris is too legit to quit.
  • TripleJ3
    TripleJ3 Posts: 945 Member
    Definition of "Chuckles": 1.Champion knuckles of Chuck Norris 2. low-tone laughter from Chuck Norris as he "teaches you a lesson"


    Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the *kitten* out of it


    Every silver lining has a Chuck Norris

    When Chuck Norris pours a bowl of Rice Krispies, they shut the hell up!

    Chuck Norris can hear your text messages.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

    If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker the second Wednesday of every month.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    They once made a "Chuck Norris" brand toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Chuck Norris' urine is the greatest Human Growth Hormone
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