Marital issues

MrsFarrow

I don't even know if counseling will work at this point.

I came home from work sick. My general manager told me to leave, because I looked ill. That never happens. I've got walking pneumonia. I'm sick. Period. When I get home and crawl into bed, all I get from my husband, who is also sleeping, is "Are you going to make up those hours?" Really? Keep in mind, this was around noon that I came home. We both went to bed at 11pm. He was still sleeping when I got home.

Then, a little while later, my mother calls. I spill soda as I get up to answer the phone because my husband refuses to answer it. I've got my mother *****ing in my ear about how she hasn't heard from me in a few days, which is complete BS. She asks me why I'm so short, I say because I spilled soda on the floor. My husband goes "YOU SPILLED SODA ON THE FLOOR? REALLY?!" I go "Yes, I'm sorry!" in a rushed voice because now I've got two people giving me ****.

Apparently I didn't respond correctly because he ran off into the computer room and locked himself in, and refused to open the door. Then when I told him to take his dog because I was about to shower, he opens the door and instantly puts the dog in his cage. Really? So I stand there and try to figure out why he's acting the way he is. "YOU GOT AN ATTITUDE WITH ME AND WANTED TO START A FIGHT" Really? You couldn't just assume "You know, she snapped at me, she's on the phone with her mother. I'm going to let it go." No, you run off and lock a door in the apartment that I PAY FOR because I WORK FULL TIME and YOU DON'T.

I don't even know why I'm married. He clearly doesn't care for me. He wants sex like it's my job to please him. If we don't have sex for a few nights, it turns into me never wanting to sleep with him or some bull**** reason he comes up with. He never looks at me or even acknowledges me when we argue or fight. Right now, he's sitting on his goddamn computer playing some stupid game. As I'm trying to talk to him all he does is roll his effing eyes at me and repeat what I say to him. Or, this is my personal favorite, I'll say something like "When you act like this, it makes me feel like you don't want to be with me." And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get a response like "Oh sure, because I don't want to be with you. Uh huh. You're right, you're always right."

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm so over crying about him. He doesn't care, why should I.

BlessedandBeautifulBrown

Wow.. i may see my own Couseling first.. Good Luck.. and i hope you are feeling better...:flowerforyou:

Grimmerick

Who runs in a room and locks the door? I thought you were the man talking about his wife for a second when I read that part. If he is not contributing to the relationship monetarily and otherwise. Sit down and write yourself a pros and cons list. You shouldn't have to live one second unhappy and if you feel that way most of the time. Be honest with yourself and find out what will make your truly happy.........cause denial is just a life waster.

Loko_Ino

Hmmm..this is a subject best brought up with a pastor, Christian counselor or close family friend..not a bunch of folks on a weight-loss sight.
Just a suggestion.

Good luck

ajbeans

I'm thinking counseling is in order, either for both of you together, or just you. There are definitely some issues there that need to be addressed, but I don't know that any of us here can give the best advice, only because every marriage is different and we don't know you personally. I'd love to offer advice, but this isn't a simple fix.

Best of luck to you. *hugs* I hope you find a solution soon.

sarah_ep

There has to be more to it than this? I have these sort of fights... hmm.. about 1-2 times a month if not a bit more. We get annoyed with each other every other day. I have to remind myself of his good traits sometimes, because when it does come down to it I wouldn't want to be without him. We have had our times when it is much worse than what I described (and he is the same way about sex) just as most relationships have their ups and downs. Sorry this is happening... Sometimes they are too involved in themselves or they have things that are stressing them out that they overlook our stress.

MarybethAltizer

This sounds very very very similiar to my first marriage. I was married for 10 years to a total jerk. He was very verbally abusive to me, always belittling me or cutting me down. He also had 10 affairs during those ten years. I'm sorry, hun. I would suggest counseling? But if he's anything like mine was, he'll just laugh when you mention it. You might have to show him you mean business and ask him to leave for a while or something.....prayin for ya....

JConstine

You could try counseling. Sometimes you can see things from another perspective when you and your partner are able to talk about things. Sometimes the other person isn't willing. If you think you've done all that you can, just let him know you're fed up and he needs to meet you halfway on your problems or he risks losing you.

Apryl546

I hope he stops being a dirtbag soon. If not, I wouldn't blame you for leaving him on the curb.
I could never be in a relationship with that kind of communication. I wouldn't have it. I'm pretty ****ing stubborn and I'd kick his *kitten* regardless of how sick I was.

Though, i guess it doesn't hurt to TRY counseling first..

rockylucas

MrsFarrow, none of us know nearly enough about you, your life, or your situation to give you competent advice. However please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and nurture yourself at this time. Your husband is a grown man, he is clearly caring for HIS own needs. Don't allow yourself to be caused anymore emotional trauma.

CatMauro

Wow. Sounds like you've got a doozy of a problem on your hands. Sorry to hear about that. Truly. Sounds like he's pretty imature, trust me I've been around that block a couple of times (shakes her head). All I can say is that when enough is truly enough, you'll (pardon the expression) **** or get off the pot and either give him his walking papers or be his mother for the rest of his life (as enticing as that sounds). Either way, keep your chin up. Stick to the high road, if he wants to behave like a child then let him, ignore him in fact. This type of behaviour should not be encouraged. *Big hug*

lor007

If you want to work it out with him, try to get him to counseling. It can't save every marriage, but it does save some. I am proof. You never know, he may have feelings that he thinks you are overlooking as well. Some people aren't very good at expressing how they feel on their own.

lrh769

Seriously honey, if you are paying the bills and taking care of everything, then you obviously don't need him. Sex is nice, but you can have sex with someone who is actually contributing to your relationship. Not trying to make you feel bad, but you asked for advice so I'm just going to be honest with you: he is comfortable so he stays with you. You pay for everything while he plays on the computer...sounds like the perfect set-up to me. You are being verbally and mentally abused. Have more respect for yourself and get rid of him.

Good luck darling

lbetancourt

ugh. gross. bad marriages. when i was younger i would put up with some pretty stupid *kitten* cause I felt it was what i deserved or something due to low self esteem, worth, i don't know. i absolutely hate to hear about women crying over their men. it's just not worth the energy. sorry, hope you feel better.

Jennilvmp

If I were you I would leave before u bring kids into the mess. It sounds like u r married to my x. Unfortunatly I waited 10 years and 4 boys later to realize he was never going to get a job nor was he going to grow up! Leaving that marriage was the best thing I could've ever done for myself and my children. Just wish I would've been smart enough to realize that b4 my boys had to b apart of it! It gets better! I am the happiest I have ever been now! But i wasted 10 years of my life!

sarah_ep

Seriously honey, if you are paying the bills and taking care of everything, then you obviously don't need him. Sex is nice, but you can have sex with someone who is actually contributing to your relationship. Not trying to make you feel bad, but you asked for advice so I'm just going to be honest with you: he is comfortable so he stays with you. You pay for everything while he plays on the computer...sounds like the perfect set-up to me. You are being verbally and mentally abused. Have more respect for yourself and get rid of him.

Good luck darling

She does not say she is taking care of everything, just that he was still asleep. He could work weird shifts or work from home. I am going to go with @rockylucas on this one and say we do not know enough.

MissingMyOldSelf

This was my life for almost 4 years. My husband was unemployed when GM left Dayton, and he played the pity party for wayyyyy too freaking long. I would work almost 12 hours a day, and come home, and he'd be pissy, wanting me to make dinner. Oh, and don't forget to do laundry, and while you're at it, he needs $20 for gas because he's going to his mom's 45 minutes away every other day because SHE needs help around her house.

It was complete bull.

He thought he was fine. He barely lifted a finger to help around the house. His mom made thousands of excuses for him, including, "oh, he's just depressed." STFU. He's not depressed. He's lazy.

After being diagnosed with high blood pressure and depression, my family doctor suggested that I go to counseling. I went. And it was so emotionally draining to retell the last 3 years of my life, and how it has emotionally ruined me, but it felt SO GOOD to go. I made 10 appointments right off the bat. That first meeting with the counselor was the best, because she told me, "THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS IS HIS FAULT." And she told me to tell him everything we talked about, including that part. I did. I told him how she said that he's emotionally killing me by being the child I never wanted, and how if I wanted to take care of an invalid, I would work at nursing homes.

I then proceeded to tell him that I was filing for divorce if he didn't find a job in 2 weeks.

Two weeks later, he was at his new job. He knew I was at my limit, and it wasn't going to be a free ride any longer.

I don't go to my sessions anymore because I can't afford it (thanks to insurance switching over to an HSA account), but the lessons she taught me were so valuable. It wasn't a Christian thing.... it was just a spiritual uplifting that made me feel whole again. To know that I wasn't the problem. To know that I had an outside third party's opinion, not just my friend's.

If that apartment is YOUR doing, meaning you pay for everything, tell him flat out to leave. He's NOT being a contributing party to the marriage/relationship, and therefore, you are NOT going to sit back and baby him any longer. Sometimes, a wake up call is what a person needs to realize that their meal ticket is quickly expiring.

I really wish the best for you. My heart goes out to you!

Grimmerick

Hmmm..this is a subject best brought up with a pastor, Christian counselor or close family friend..not a bunch of folks on a weight-loss sight.
Just a suggestion.

Good luck

what if she isn't religious? would a regular counselor be ok?

H_Factor

he is leading a married singles life, is being extremely selfish and, no, you don't need it. if there was, at one time, a person you loved hiding behind all of that selfishness, then I recommend checking out www.retrouvaille.com and telling him that he needs to go on a weekend retreat with you or the two of you may as well divorce. then sign up for a weekend and go. retrouvaille may or may not help repair your marriage...but it will help you figure out if you should remain married.

Artemis_Acorn

I looked at your profile, and it says you're married to your best friend. Something has changed since you wrote that. If you can find a way to recapture that, and if he really is a good man, it's worth it to try.

I'll have been married 29 years in November, and we have certainly been through rocky patches in our relationship, but for me, it was never an option to quit because I had seen him at his best long before I ever saw him at his worst, and I knew that inside the not-perfect man-child who sometimes drove me crazy was a wonderful, wonderful person.

tameko2

I don't know if counseling will work at this point either but you should at least try it. Its obvious you guys aren't communicating well at this point, but in your profile you call him your best friend so I think its worth trying to work it out. If he refuses to GO to counseling....then walk away. You can't help him if he won't help himself and if he doesn't care enough to even talk out the issues with you, then you don't need him anymore.

but maybe you're just having a bad day in which case -- go out and do something relaxing alone, come back, knock on that door, and tell him how you feel about what he did today and ask how you guys can work it out.