Marital issues
Replies
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Ok...did you marry my ex-husband & not tell me? He used to do most of the same crap to me. Unfortunately, it took me packing up the kids & leaving for him to change anything. We didn't try counseling...hindsight being what it is, it may have helped us. If you want to work on your marriage, it can't hurt to try. Even if he doesn't want to go, you can try going yourself...it may give you some more insight. Hugs to you & good luck! :flowerforyou:
Couldnt have happened...your ex is still on the Douche Canoe0 -
Believe me, if he's saying "okay you're always right" then somewhere along the way you've made him feel like whatever he says is wrong. I had a girlfriend who ALWAYS had some critique about anything I did and it was always negative. She probably didn't realize it, but the receiving end does.
Things like this: I took the time to clean up the kitchen when we lived together really good. I mean a good old scrub down. When I told her her first response was "you should clean the bedroom since it was worse" not "wow, thanks for doing that".
And if he's out of work is it because he wants to be or is it because he can't find work? Many men's egos are hurt when they feel they can't help support the home they live in and go into depression. That would explain sleeping in late.
IMO, see a counselor together and hash out what the issues are and go from there. Many people have no idea why their SO is pissed off and this is a good way to find out.0 -
Im sorry you are having these problems.....I cant tell you what to do. This was like reading my life which I am now getting divorced...plus mine played video games all night long and did not want to get up until 2pm - 5pm.....Im truly sorry you are going through this.0
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I am sorry you are experiencing pain. Sounds like a pretty crappy day. I'm not sure what you expect from your post, however. That's a lot of description about someone else's behavior. No one on this site has access to your husband (as far as I know), but we have access to you.I don't even know if counseling will work at this point.
I came home from work sick. My general manager told me to leave, because I looked ill. That never happens. I've got walking pneumonia. I'm sick. Period. When I get home and crawl into bed, all I get from my husband, who is also sleeping, is "Are you going to make up those hours?" Really? Keep in mind, this was around noon that I came home. We both went to bed at 11pm. He was still sleeping when I got home.
Then, a little while later, my mother calls. I spill soda as I get up to answer the phone because my husband refuses to answer it. I've got my mother *****ing in my ear about how she hasn't heard from me in a few days, which is complete BS. She asks me why I'm so short, I say because I spilled soda on the floor. My husband goes "YOU SPILLED SODA ON THE FLOOR? REALLY?!" I go "Yes, I'm sorry!" in a rushed voice because now I've got two people giving me ****.
Apparently I didn't respond correctly because he ran off into the computer room and locked himself in, and refused to open the door. Then when I told him to take his dog because I was about to shower, he opens the door and instantly puts the dog in his cage. Really? So I stand there and try to figure out why he's acting the way he is. "YOU GOT AN ATTITUDE WITH ME AND WANTED TO START A FIGHT" Really? You couldn't just assume "You know, she snapped at me, she's on the phone with her mother. I'm going to let it go." No, you run off and lock a door in the apartment that I PAY FOR because I WORK FULL TIME and YOU DON'T.
I don't even know why I'm married. He clearly doesn't care for me. He wants sex like it's my job to please him. If we don't have sex for a few nights, it turns into me never wanting to sleep with him or some bull**** reason he comes up with. He never looks at me or even acknowledges me when we argue or fight. Right now, he's sitting on his goddamn computer playing some stupid game. As I'm trying to talk to him all he does is roll his effing eyes at me and repeat what I say to him. Or, this is my personal favorite, I'll say something like "When you act like this, it makes me feel like you don't want to be with me." And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get a response like "Oh sure, because I don't want to be with you. Uh huh. You're right, you're always right."
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm so over crying about him. He doesn't care, why should I.
You have shared your frustration. Are you literally asking why you should care? (your last sentence). Do you want sympathy? Encouragement? Comraderie? To have strangers on the Internet take your side, agree that your husband's behavior is abhorrent? Those are all OK, I suppose. But they don't really solve any problems.
You are on a weight loss site, changing your life. You signature tells me you quit smoking, and have met other goals. Obviously you are disciplined enough to make real, positive changes in your life. I encourage you to focus on YOU and YOUR behavior and see where you can make changes. I'm not suggesting you ignore your husband's behavior, or that it is even OK. But you make choices how you respond to other people. You have to own your own choices. You might discover an opportunity for growth. You might discover that you don't want to be in the relationship after all.
Even with a priest, counselor, family friend, etc. if you continue focusing on the other person, you will limit your ability for real long-term solutions. It all comes back to you. When you focus on you, you get the power back. You need that power back. I hope you get it.0 -
Check out Retrouvaille, if you have it in your area. They work miracles with marriages that are breaking apart.
http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=1
I mentioned Retrouvaille earlier and I'm glad someone else recommended it. I want to add a couple of things about Retrouvaille:
1. you don't have to be catholic or religious to attend. I'm jewish and had no issue with it. the program is WAY MORE about marriage than anything else.
2. thinking about it, Retrouvaille uses similar principles as MFP. Your host couples during your weekend (and post sessions) are folks who themselves had a troubled marriage, went through Retrouvaille, and have something much better now. They share their personal stories with you...about the troubles they had...about what they learned at Retrouvaille that helped...about how they apply the principles in their lives and marriages. In short, you hear other people's success stories...but you hear them from folks who you can relate to...folks who were in a similar position that you are in now...so you think "wow, if they made it through that, I'm going to try to make it through my issues...I think I can if my spouse is on board". One of the real benefits I see people talk about on MFP is reading others' success stories....we gravitate towards folks who have achieved goals we want to achieve to learn what they did to achieve the goal. Retrouvaille is similar. You learn how folks who once had a troubled marriage fixed their marriage by using the tools they learn at Retrouvaille. In a lot of ways, Retrouvaille is different from marriage counseling...and I think its something easier to relate to...not to mention its not so dang esoteric.0 -
my personal opinion is life is too short to be unhappy.
Can you see him changing?
He has to be a willing party to counseling and I don't know the two of you personally but he sounds like a child.0 -
For whatever reason, I've rarely heard of counseling helping to improve a marriage. I've often heard of it pushing folks further apart, going on a long time, and then the relationship ending. If no kids involved, I'd save my money and time.
Sounds like you are not in the best space at the moment. Maybe you can escape to a friend's house and get a respite. You need to get better. You need to take care of yourself. You don't need to try to make serious decisions about the rest of your life or your marriage at this time.
Hope you get better soon. Maybe hubby is having a bad day too. Not an excuse, but a possible explaination. I hate the locked himself up part, but then again, at least he was not venting on you anymore.
If after you feel better and you gain some perspective, things still seem miserable . . . explore your options.0 -
13) Topics about politics, religion, atheism, or sexuality are not allowed and will be deleted. This includes posting images or signatures. Unfortunately, we have seen that topics about any of these subjects are highly likely to result in heated arguments and disputes. If you really wish to discuss either of these topics, please google political forums, religious forums, etc. - there are plenty of other places to express your views.0
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I'm coming from my own experience in a good marriage to tell you that you are NOT in a healthy situation. We will always get in fights with our spouses but they get resolved and underlying issues are exposed and dealt with. This sounds like an ongoing thing with someone that is going to do this until the end of time. Is he going to school? Why the hell is he only working part time when he should be working full time? It's only fair in a marriage as it's supposed to be about a team. He sounds like he wants babied and taken care of for the rest of his life. You DO NOT want that in a marriage with children, what kind of father would that be??
People that don't want to work full time and just want to **** around blow my mind. Especially if they are married and aren't pulling their weight around the house. He's acting like a complete baby locking himself up in a room that you should have full access to as his wife and part renter/owner of the property. It sounds like all he cares about are the hours you work and that his video game allowance is still in tact.
My husband does NOT ask me if I'm going to make up my homework when I'm sick or having a down day. I do not do that to him either. The only work related topic that comes up is, "Did you let the boss know that you are coming home?" But there's nothing about money involved. This isn't about physical things but about your relationship! If he's supposed to be your best friend and lifetime partner he needs to treat you with RESPECT. My husband goes so far out of his way to help me clean, study, walk with me, shop with me, laugh with me and all sorts of ****. Not once has he flipped out and asked me some bs about cash/work ethic.
I'm sorry this is so long but my family is so obsessed with 40+ hours a week/must have lots of money and if you don't you are lazy and careless. It tears apart relationships, especially when you aren't actually having problems like money issues or health issues. Why make life so stressful when it's hard enough already??? You do not sound like you are benefiting from this relationship and you have the upper hand. You can get out with your full time paycheck and leave him in his parent's basement.
Good luck whatever you do.0 -
The guy is an unemployed baby!!!! He need YOU MORE than you need him! You DESERVE better than this dont you think?
What kind of MAN acts like a baby like that????0 -
:bigsmile: Take that to the bank big brown man with the most awesome of tans!!!!!!!0
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The guy is an unemployed baby!!!! He need YOU MORE than you need him! You DESERVE better than this dont you think?
What kind of MAN acts like a baby like that????
WAAAA WAAAAA is big baby still locked in the room!? bwahahahahah0 -
Life is too short to spend it being treated this way. His actions tell you everything you need to know about how he feels about you. Period. Words mean nothing, actions are everything. Don't wait for anything to change because it won't. Sometimes fear of the unknown or false security makes us stay with someone who is no good for us. I've been there, it was scary at first but I'm glad I got out when I was young enough to start over on my own.
If you are supporting him financially there is no reason for you to accept things as they are. He is showing you no respect or appreciation. You can love someone who is no good for you, but you don't have to stay with them. Please show yourself the respect and love he isn't. Don't be afraid of being alone for a while, sometimes it's the best thing we can do for ourselves.0 -
I like you. :PThe guy is an unemployed baby!!!! He need YOU MORE than you need him! You DESERVE better than this dont you think?
What kind of MAN acts like a baby like that????
WAAAA WAAAAA is big baby still locked in the room!? bwahahahahah0 -
you don't need a god in order to solve your problems.....
i would say enough is enough. tell him it's either counseling or divorce. you deserve SO much more than this *kitten* @ss jerk.0 -
I like you. :PThe guy is an unemployed baby!!!! He need YOU MORE than you need him! You DESERVE better than this dont you think?
What kind of MAN acts like a baby like that????
WAAAA WAAAAA is big baby still locked in the room!? bwahahahahah
Im just keepin it real! lets see here..........
YOU:
Employed
Tall (taller than him by the pics)
Awesome
Head of household
HIM:
Unemployed
Short
Not awesome
Big baby!
Yeah clearly you can do better! Snap out of it............you are YOUNG!!!!! ThE world is yours!!0 -
I haven't read through every response yet, but I am going to and I thank everyone for the support. I'll address a few concerns:
He works part time, no more than 25 hours a week. He actually got upset because next week he has 32. The latest he works,is 11, and he didn't work yesterday. Like I said, we both went to bed at 11pm.
We are not religious at all. I grew up with a catholic and Quaker, and I lean more towards the Quaker. My relationship with God is mine, and mine alone. I don't push my beliefs on him or anyone else.
And there honestly isn't much more to the story. I can't make this stuff up. I say this like "I'm married to my best friend" because at one point, I was. Now my days are spent bickering over who did the dishes last or who took out the trash last. Need I say again, he works part time?
About two weeks ago I got him a keurig because he was having a rough time. The first thing he said was "oooh, I was looking at the tassimo..." Really? I had unboxed it, hid the box, gotten k cups, put them away, and cleaned the entire kitchen.0 -
I haven't read through every response yet, but I am going to and I thank everyone for the support. I'll address a few concerns:
He works part time, no more than 25 hours a week. He actually got upset because next week he has 32. The latest he works,is 11, and he didn't work yesterday. Like I said, we both went to bed at 11pm.
We are not religious at all. I grew up with a catholic and Quaker, and I lean more towards the Quaker. My relationship with God is mine, and mine alone. I don't push my beliefs on him or anyone else.
And there honestly isn't much more to the story. I can't make this stuff up. I say this like "I'm married to my best friend" because at one point, I was. Now my days are spent bickering over who did the dishes last or who took out the trash last. Need I say again, he works part time?
About two weeks ago I got him a keurig because he was having a rough time. The first thing he said was "oooh, I was looking at the tassimo..." Really? I had unboxed it, hid the box, gotten k cups, put them away, and cleaned the entire kitchen.
Well, keep the Keurig for yourself, and tell him to buy his own Tassimo.
I hate how ungrateful some people can be when you buy them a gift!!! Gahhh!!!!!0 -
I totally agree, actually.
I like you. :PThe guy is an unemployed baby!!!! He need YOU MORE than you need him! You DESERVE better than this dont you think?
What kind of MAN acts like a baby like that????
WAAAA WAAAAA is big baby still locked in the room!? bwahahahahah
Im just keepin it real! lets see here..........
YOU:
Employed
Tall (taller than him by the pics)
Awesome
Head of household
HIM:
Unemployed
Short
Not awesome
Big baby!
Yeah clearly you can do better! Snap out of it............you are YOUNG!!!!! ThE world is yours!!0 -
huh.... well this all is all completely familiar territory to me unfortunately. Get yourself into therapy. Not you guys together, at least not yet. But YOU. Build yourself up. Have a place to go dump all this drama. Then youll be able to sort out that its NOT okay and that you DESERVE better.0
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I haven't read through every response yet, but I am going to and I thank everyone for the support. I'll address a few concerns:
He works part time, no more than 25 hours a week. He actually got upset because next week he has 32. The latest he works,is 11, and he didn't work yesterday. Like I said, we both went to bed at 11pm.
We are not religious at all. I grew up with a catholic and Quaker, and I lean more towards the Quaker. My relationship with God is mine, and mine alone. I don't push my beliefs on him or anyone else.
And there honestly isn't much more to the story. I can't make this stuff up. I say this like "I'm married to my best friend" because at one point, I was. Now my days are spent bickering over who did the dishes last or who took out the trash last. Need I say again, he works part time?
About two weeks ago I got him a keurig because he was having a rough time. The first thing he said was "oooh, I was looking at the tassimo..." Really? I had unboxed it, hid the box, gotten k cups, put them away, and cleaned the entire kitchen.
I know this advice is easy to give - but trust me, I 've been there. Just be done with it, take care of yourself and don't worry about making him feel better, cleaning, or cooking for him. Until you know what you're going to do, just be concerned with your health and well being and let him take care of himself. He's not concerned about you. Is his mother still living? I would say she needs to bring him back home and deal with what she had a part in creating.0 -
huh.... well this all is all completely familiar territory to me unfortunately. Get yourself into therapy. Not you guys together, at least not yet. But YOU. Build yourself up. Have a place to go dump all this drama. Then youll be able to sort out that its NOT okay and that you DESERVE better.
I also totally agree with this.
If you have been dealing with all this stuff, and do not talk to somebody about the fallout of the abuses. It's not good.
Shouldn't go uncehcked.0 -
I have to agree with the awesomely tanned one0
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Fck counseling. Just leave.0
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Fck counseling. Just leave.
Usually I would be the first to say go to counseling, but in this case I am with my girl Sun...Fvck that BS. Time for this loser to hit the road and take his damn dog with him. I think the sorry SOB is sleeping around on you myself and probably with the dirty neighbor who is always laughing in your face. Just my opinion as I am not a counselor, but do play one in my dreams.0 -
Erm,, my post seems to have gone!! And it was not religous or off topic!! That's a bit mean!
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Erm,, my post seems to have gone!! And it was not religous or off topic!! That's a bit mean! 0
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Erm,, my post seems to have gone!! And it was not religous or off topic!! That's a bit mean! 0
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One, two, three. Hmm. Sorry! My computer had a hissy fit!
As my last post seems to be gone I will repeat it again in brief.
You guys seem to be suffering from a major breakdown in communication. Counciling can help you with you with this as they often act like referees.
Good luck with everything and I hope that no matter the outcome you get happy!!0
This discussion has been closed.
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