Question for all WOMEN. I'm a guy and need to know.

dannylives
dannylives Posts: 611
edited October 4 in Health and Weight Loss
Somethings been really bothering me lately. I don't plan on getting a job until next year. I'm 36. I'm an alcoholic who has managed to only drink twice this year. (I already know that that is a good thing.) My past is HORRIBLE i.e. hardly any employment, arrests for public intoxication etc, NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR ASSAULT, no ambition, hardly any girlfriends at all, and I drank some friends away, all my Facebook friends know that Iv'e always been an alcoholic. I never moved out of my parents house, got a job, or bought a car etc. because I just didn't care about life. Basically I had a problem and I let it take over my ENTIRE life.

Currently I'm doing REALLY good, am exercising, love life, and am going to the local university. There are A LOT of girls there. I lucked out and look like I'm only 24 or 25. I attract girls but am too weary to talk to them because of my past. I mean, what will they do when they find out all this stuff I just told you? It's embarrassing and scary. I know I'm not at school to find a girlfriend but I know something will eventually happen. My question is: with knowing everything I just told you about myself.....how much will all that play a role in whether or not a girl just flat out rolls her eyes at me, says, "Oh my God" and never speaks to me again? I don't approach girls but there ARE girls who will approach me.

Feel free to tell me exactly what you think.
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Replies

  • Scott613
    Scott613 Posts: 2,317 Member
    Bump
  • Sarah0866
    Sarah0866 Posts: 291 Member
    People change for the better or do things to improve themselves; I'm sure that if it's apparent you're not doing any of those things anymore, most will appreciate all you're doing to better yourself. I think it's great :)
  • Avalonis
    Avalonis Posts: 1,540 Member
    Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?

    My answer depends on the context :D

    **EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.

    Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.

    If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...

    1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.

    2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.

    3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.

    4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.

    Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
  • VeganInTraining
    VeganInTraining Posts: 1,319 Member
    #1, I'm an alcoholic too and your past is your past...that being said, it's easier to stay sober with a program (I'm just saying)
    #2 When I was single I wouldn't give a guy that lived at home a second thought
    #3 why don't you plan to get a job for another year? unless he had a good reason I would not date someone who wasn't at least actively looking for a job

    all that being said, I'm just one person so if a girl approaches you be honest and let her make the choice. If she judges you on your past then that's her loss
  • aneumany
    aneumany Posts: 165 Member
    i think that if something were to come up and u were talkin or seeing someone.. let them get to know u for who u r now.. u dont have to tell them all that stuff right after u say hi!.. give it time.. see if its even something worth gettin serious about.. and then after uve set a pretty good idea who u r now and ur dreams and ambitions, let them know u have something to tell them and would like them to hear u out but to not let it affect wat they think of u now and who they've gotten to know.. thats all.. i mean we all have pasts.. no ones perfect we've all been thru ****.. dont stress over it so much! lol it only sounds bad bc u make it! lol
  • cmonskinnylovee
    cmonskinnylovee Posts: 339
    If the girl is worth anything at all she will understand that you are human, and that everyone has their demons.

    I am a recovering anorexic, was arrested multiple times in my highschool years, and had quite the stint with drugs and alcohol, and sometimes that scares guys. They label me as 'crazy' and leave me be.

    But why would I want someone who would judge me for that anyways?

    This is just an easier way to weed out the bad ones :)
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    wait.. you aren't working.. are you in school?


    Or are you just now lookng to get a job next year?

    Everybody can grow and change, and surely you will find somebody very special who will accept all thse things and love to watch you grow.,

    Myself, being a mother of two... personally I could not. But somebody will!!

    Go out htere and get them. Keep the faith!
  • ajsdream
    ajsdream Posts: 223 Member
    The girls who roll their eyes at your past are probably not the women you want in your life anyway.

    I would say: Approach all females with only friendship in mind. This way, they see who you are NOW. I think after someone gets to know you, they wouldn't be put off by your past. Everyone makes mistakes. Overcoming your alcoholism, in my opinion, is a huge accomplishment. The right person for you will appreciate that.
  • irunforfun
    irunforfun Posts: 113 Member
    Good luck.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    From experience... my husband doesn't have the most serene past. When I started dating him, even his FATHER told me to never allow him near my checkbook :noway: That was the FIRST conversation that I ever had with the man!! IMHO I feel that if a guy is showing that he is TRYING... and is finding reasons to do better for himself and in life in general, the RIGHT girl will see this. As long as you are honest about where you have been and where you are trying your best to go, you'll do alright :bigsmile:
  • cmonskinnylovee
    cmonskinnylovee Posts: 339
    My point is none of that should matter. Liking someone isn't based off their past, their job, or where they live. Or at least it shouldn't be. If she honestly cares enough about all that crap, she's not worth your time.
  • skylark94
    skylark94 Posts: 2,036 Member
    Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.
  • hazelmae123
    hazelmae123 Posts: 109 Member
    Everyone has a past, whether it defines your future is up to you. A man I once knew owned up to all his past, never made excuses, admitted it all and then said if you want to see who I am now, then hang around and judge for yourself. I have always remembered that and I judge people not on their past, but on their "now." I'd have missed out on knowing some really interesting peope if I hadn't.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    and by the way I have been with him for nearly 16 years and he is the most AWESOME man :bigsmile: Even if he wasn't the most awesome BOY...
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
    I'm just a bit younger than you, though we're at very different points in our life. (I'm married, two kids) I'd have a very hard dating someone who lived at home, and wasn't actively seeking employment. I think it's good that you've turned your life around, you're working on an education, sobriety, and better health. And I could look beyond the past. But not until you've moved out of your parent's house, and had a responsible job.
  • piccolarj
    piccolarj Posts: 488 Member
    First off if you dumped all that crap on me the first time we meet then I would take off running in the oppisite direction and warn all my friends to stay away!! With that being said you have to take the time to get yourself together and get out of mommy's house and get a job and then a female can see the progress you have made to becoming a better you. Right now it's all talk and no work from my point of view. Once she see's you moving forward I don't think your past will be huge issue as long as it stays in the past.
  • Emily102102
    Emily102102 Posts: 33 Member
    Being 36 years old, unemployed & living w/your parents, you should probably work on fixing your life before involving someone else.
  • adjones5
    adjones5 Posts: 938 Member
    Women, or at least me, look for people who are trying to better themselves. I've done things that I'm not proud of and if someone doesn't want to be with me because of it then they can **** off. Yes, everybody judges but every time I do I try to remember that it doesn't matter where someone's starting point is, it matters where they are headed. If I were you I'd approach women, assertive men are hot.
  • JennLifts
    JennLifts Posts: 1,913 Member
    I was talking to a guy who too was very ashamed of his part, and honestly, I don't care. To me, I want you to tell me all about it. I want to know what you've been through. However, it doesn't affect me in any way. You still have the same chance you had before I knew, I just feel like I know you deeper now that I know.
  • rebeccaME207
    rebeccaME207 Posts: 90 Member
    First off who doesnt have some things in there past that they are not so proud of?! Second, the fab person you are today is a result of going through these life challanges. Im so proud of how well you are doing! You are NOT your past! Be you and get to know them and in time you will feel if the relationship is going somewhere ... open up and talk to them about it! I bet then you will know them better too and it will feel more natural. But, putting it right out on the table makes it seem that that is only who you are ! And your much much more! I know how it is to feel judged and the right people will stick by your side and those are the only ones good enough 4 you!!
    Great work thus far babe, sweetie, pie ha ha !! :happy:
  • JennLifts
    JennLifts Posts: 1,913 Member
    Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.

    yes.
  • adjones5
    adjones5 Posts: 938 Member
    Women, or at least me, look for people who are trying to better themselves. I've done things that I'm not proud of and if someone doesn't want to be with me because of it then they can **** off. Yes, everybody judges but every time I do I try to remember that it doesn't matter where someone's starting point is, it matters where they are headed. If I were you I'd approach women, assertive men are hot.

    Forgot to mention, you don't need to tell your date everything about your past and ambition is key.
  • getnhealthymum
    getnhealthymum Posts: 32
    If we all were judged by our past or all of the not so smart things we've done then we'd all be doomed! I personally wouldn't tell anybody about my past until it got pretty serious. If a woman likes you it's for the person you are now, not the one you were. :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    To be honest, at first, all of that was really off-putting. But then, as I thought about, I realized that I'm guilty of many of those same mistakes. The only reason I am where I am now is because I had children early in life and they needed me. But it was a long, hard road for me to get to this point.

    There are lots of girls out there, and if they don't understand what it means to make a mistake, then they are not the girl for you. Don't be afraid to share your past. You have to get to know people, but if these girls don't understand where you are coming from, then don't bother wasting your time.
  • catherine4211
    catherine4211 Posts: 944 Member
    Get a job. Move out of your parents house. If you find someone interesting TAKE YOUR TIME. If you tell this story too soon you will send the girl running.
  • christybrooker
    christybrooker Posts: 37
    Being 36 years old, unemployed & living w/your parents, you should probably work on fixing your life before involving someone else.

    This.
  • findingfit23
    findingfit23 Posts: 845 Member
    Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.

    This.
  • mandylooo
    mandylooo Posts: 456 Member
    Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.

    yes.

    Even if he's currently studying at university?!?!! I'd say that is fixing his life and it certainly shows ambition.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    First off if you dumped all that crap on me the first time we meet then I would take off running in the oppisite direction and warn all my friends to stay away!! With that being said you have to take the time to get yourself together and get out of mommy's house and get a job and then a female can see the progress you have made to becoming a better you. Right now it's all talk and no work from my point of view. Once she see's you moving forward I don't think your past will be huge issue as long as it stays in the past.

    I agree with this too. I wouldn't bother looking for a relationship until you are ready to give someone some serious focus. If you still have stuff to work on, then a relationship will interfere and vice versa.
  • becky2967
    becky2967 Posts: 124
    someone who is worth it will be ok with your past and help you maintain the better person your becoming. some people will roll their eyes and dont let that drag you down, no one has a 100% perfect past, keep working on the no-drinking, carry on life and close the door on your past, if you find agirl worth it mention it, x
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