Question for all WOMEN. I'm a guy and need to know.
Replies
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I'd worry less about the girls and more about keeping your life on track and moving ahead. Make a plan to get a job and then get your own place as you finish school. THEN DO THAT. Focus on those things, being a good friend, and things will fall into place. You need to build a history in this new lifestyle to offset the old one.
That is, if you are looking for Miss Right. If you're looking for Miss Right Now...
Lots of girls are co-dependent and/or looking for a fix-up project. With a co-dependent, you will make no progress. With a fixer upper, you'll either get tired of her trying to fix you or you'll get fixed and move on.0 -
bump0
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What I know about recovery is you're not supposed to get involved until you've been sober a full year. And you haven't yet.
Besides that, if you turn your life around, then there's no reason you can't have a healthy, happy relationship going forward. This isn't first or second date stuff to get into. Wait until you know each other a little better and then talk about what you've been through and where you're going.0 -
I think this is excellent advice. Until you are stable and independant focus on you. The stress of a relationship could derail all of your hard work. Although I do wonder why you have drank twice this year and you are an alcoholic. Did you fall off the wagon? Are you attending AA meeting? If not you should. They will help guide you with a lot of these decisions.I'd worry less about the girls and more about keeping your life on track and moving ahead. Make a plan to get a job and then get your own place as you finish school. THEN DO THAT. Focus on those things, being a good friend, and things will fall into place. You need to build a history in this new lifestyle to offset the old one.
That is, if you are looking for Miss Right. If you're looking for Miss Right Now...
Lots of girls are co-dependent and/or looking for a fix-up project. With a co-dependent, you will make no progress. With a fixer upper, you'll either get tired of her trying to fix you or you'll get fixed and move on.0 -
Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.
yes.
Even if he's currently studying at university?!?!! I'd say that is fixing his life and it certainly shows ambition.
Alcoholics have a tremendous earning power and power to succeed once they put the bottle down. At 36 one should be more than able to go to school AND work.0 -
The past is the past and everyone has got one. You have taken steps to improve your life and I think that says it all right there. Nobody is perfect, nobody has been perfect for their entire lives and I think it would be unfair for someone to expect that from a partner. As long as the follow through is there and you stick with the changes you have made, I think that the right girl will see the person that you really are instead of focusing on the person that you were.
Congrats on making the decisions and taking the steps to bettering yourself.
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Good luck.
From me too 0 -
First, get yourself established. When you move out from your parents and get a job, you will find yourself some confidence. Then, worry about meeting someone. Yes you should tell them your past, but you don't need to advertise it. Only share your past with those who are deserving to know, and make it clear that you've changed. If you have a job, live on your own, and are doing well and being sober, it will show. If you still live with your parents and have no job, it will look like you're still struggling and could fall back into the dark side again. If the girl runs off after that, then *kitten* her. You don't need her. But I'm willing to bet that if you can build self confidence, become more self-supporting, and live the lifestyle that reflects your sobriety, when you meet a girl (one who is worth anything), she will be more willing to accept your past as your past, and that the you in the present is who you are now.0
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Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
Completely with him on this one!
I would not date someone jobless and living at home (unless you're my age, broke and right out of college-- which you're not), though I am happy you are making changes in your life! Good for you! You're bettering yourself. Confidence is key. We all have a grungy past, but it shouldn't come off as BAGGAGE to the poor lady you try to date. Do NOT lay this all on her right away. Sheesh! I get stressed out just thinking about it. Good luck though!! Congrats on turning over a new leaf! 0 -
Hey Danny,
The past matters to a girl and we take that into consideration, however, what is more important to us, is how you have overcome your challenge and what you are doing with your life NOW!
Best of luck my friend! One day Ms. right will come along and be very lucky to have found you!0 -
EVERYONE has parts of thier past they are not proud of as long as they stay in your past they should not be a problem!
Your drinking you are doing a SUPER job with but i am afraid you will have to knock it on the head all together or it might just creep up on you again without you realising!
Get your life back together slowly,school,car,job and EVERYTHING will just fall into place..
good luck x0 -
The girls who roll their eyes at your past are probably not the women you want in your life anyway.
I would say: Approach all females with only friendship in mind. This way, they see who you are NOW. I think after someone gets to know you, they wouldn't be put off by your past. Everyone makes mistakes. Overcoming your alcoholism, in my opinion, is a huge accomplishment. The right person for you will appreciate that.
This. :flowerforyou:0 -
The person you are now it what really matters. No one spills everything about themselves right away. When you meet a women let her see and get to know the man you are now. She will find out about your past but everyone has a past. If she see the guy you are now then she will realize that you are not the man you used to be.
I'm only 26yrs old, and I know a few men that I went to school with that have done complete 180's with their lives and are now married, have kids, ect...
You will find that special someone. Don't give up!!!0 -
If a woman can't accept you for who you are, who you used to be or who you are going to become....then there really is no point in getting to know her let alone give her your heart...
I will say, if getting your life on track even more so than it already is in your near future perhaps you need to focus on that and not complicate it by being in a relationship...focus on you and where you want to be, then worry about fitting a partner into your life.0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
BUMP.0 -
Be honest with these girls, but I wouldn't recommend that you just explode with all that information at once. You might start with "I'm an alcoholic and I do have a lot of issues." Because knowing you're an alcoholic up front is really important. A girl deserves a chance to decide whether or not she wants to take on someone recovering from addiction. Over time as you get to know someone you can give them more details. But if you're honest and you're obviously making progress (I'd also say, try to get a job and move out of your parents' house as soon as you can) I don't see why you shouldn't be able to have a good relationship. Everyone makes mistakes, and the fact that you're working on pulling yourself up means something. Good luck and just don't lie or sugarcoat your past if they do ask. Girls hate nothing worse than being lied to or mislead.0
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I think there's hope for you
All I can say is that as a woman, if I encountered someone in your situation, I probably would be shocked at first. BUT...if it was obvious to me that you were TRYING to do better and actively taking steps to turn your life around, then I would have no problem giving you a chance. I met my husband when we were 19. He had a pretty rough background. He was really "rough around the edges" so to speak, and was probably not the type of guy I ever saw myself being with. But I gave him a chance. He's overcome his past, he's a great husband, a loving father, and almost a completely different person than who he was before we met (I loved him when we met but I love who he is now even more).
So, anyone who doesn't want to look beyond your past shouldn't be worth your time anyway.0 -
The past does matter, because it often dictates future behaviour. But people do change. The best way to get to know someone who won't mind your past issues is to show, through your behaviour, that you are a different person now.
Work towards moving out of your parents home, or at least be able to justify why you're still living there. Many university students had independent living situations at 17 or 18, and will likely not understand why someone went so long living at home when there were other options. Also, don't lie about your past unless you want it to bite you in the *kitten* later on. Own it, and show that you acknowledge your issues and are willing to move past them. Show that you are working towards improving - getting a part time job during school or being involved in volunteering are good ways to show that you're different.
I'd also recommend staying away from dating people way younger than yourself (as they will often be at university). It's one of those things that sets off warning signals to someone, and that combined with your past and present situation (living at home, not working, etc) will scare most savvy people away.
There's also a big college drinking scene. Avoid it if at all possible.
Lastly, improve yourself for YOU, not for anyone you might want to date. If you're not capable of dealing with your own issues right now, how are you going to deal with the stresses of a relationship? Stability is something you should probably work towards now, and maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time, effort and commitment. Think about how you are with handling what you have on your plate right now, and if you can handle more.
Good luck!!0 -
If you are a good man and connect with a woman, and then you tell her your crazy past when you decide you want to get serious -- she'll let you know if she can hang or not. My boyfriend has a ****ED UP past, but the first few months we dated, he showed me the lovely, beautiful person he has grown to be. When I told him I thought we should try getting more serious, he laid it all out, and I said, "You know what? People can change, and our pasts help define the people we choose to be. I really like who you are today, and you wouldn't be that person if it wasn't for that past. I still want to hang with you." ... three years later, we're totally engaged. BUT, it took a lot of honesty and trust on both of our parts to make it work.0
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I think if she is a "keeper" then she will understand your working through things, and see how far your come rather than where you've come from. Granted, I don't think all of that should be your opening line with a girl. Most of this information usually comes out little by little as you get to know someone, not all at once. The only thing "I" would have a problem with as a women, is the no job. But that's because I had to many dead beat boyfriends that used up all my money and I hit that point where all my patience went out the window. (see we all have baggage lol)
This is just my two cents, but you also might want to be a little choosy on who date. Once you get to know someone, if she turns out to be a heavy drinker, or will be constantly bringing you into situations that might destroy your progress...that person is someone you might have to break things off with.0 -
I'm going to be honest, but don't worry, it's not brutal. I think you'll be wise to be honest, but I totally agree with the other posters about not being too pushy about exploding with all your past info. It's who you are, and you're becoming better-- sounds like you're on the right track, and that shows strength and integrity. I would not expect women to be rude or totally closed off to you, though, you might have a little more to 'prove' than a more traditional background, kwim? So expect ladies to take it slow maybe. And just see what happens-- everyone has junk in their past, don't treat it like you're a second-class citizen hoping they'll see past that. You're a regular guy, most people I know in college aren't together and mature or perfect, anyway.
Best of luck to you!0 -
I would say: Approach all females with only friendship in mind. This way, they see who you are NOW. I think after someone gets to know you, they wouldn't be put off by your past. Everyone makes mistakes. Overcoming your alcoholism, in my opinion, is a huge accomplishment. The right person for you will appreciate that.
^^
This. Become friends first. Once you feel it's the right time to tell them about your past, hopefully they will applaud you for the positive changes you've made in your life. Oh, and the fact that there was no domestic violence is a plus. That would be a dealbreaker for me!0 -
I didn't read the replies (in a hurry, sorry). My husband has had a much worse background/past than you did. He was open and honest about a lot of it and some...not so much, but that was after we had been together for quite a while.
Starting a relationship isn't about sitting their and spilling your guts about all your past mistakes. It's about enjoying spending time with someone else. Once you are in a relationship that is when you start telling things about your past.
People change, people make mistakes....it happens to us all. Don't worry about it. Keep on doing what you are doing and at some point you will meet the right person that won't care about your past mistakes. 0 -
I think its wonderful what you are doing and becoming... You should not be ashamed of your past its a past for a reason... and if you want to have a great futur you have to start seeing it as an acomplishment rather then a part of you... Your past is not who u are...
Through out life demons will try to infect your happiness and plant negativity in all thats good in your life, but its up to you to decide if your past will define you or teach you
If a girl or anyone doesnt like you based off of your past... chances are they are battling a bigger struggle then you and would be no good to you anyhow! Chin up and move forward shoulders strong!0 -
Somethings been really bothering me lately. I don't plan on getting a job until next year. I'm 36. I'm an alcoholic who has managed to only drink twice this year. (I already know that that is a good thing.) My past is HORRIBLE i.e. hardly any employment, arrests for public intoxication etc, NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR ASSAULT, no ambition, hardly any girlfriends at all, and I drank some friends away, all my Facebook friends know that Iv'e always been an alcoholic. I never moved out of my parents house, got a job, or bought a car etc. because I just didn't care about life. Basically I had a problem and I let it take over my ENTIRE life.
Currently I'm doing REALLY good, am exercising, love life, and am going to the local university. There are A LOT of girls there. I lucked out and look like I'm only 24 or 25. I attract girls but am too weary to talk to them because of my past. I mean, what will they do when they find out all this stuff I just told you? It's embarrassing and scary. I know I'm not at school to find a girlfriend but I know something will eventually happen. My question is: with knowing everything I just told you about myself.....how much will all that play a role in whether or not a girl just flat out rolls her eyes at me, says, "Oh my God" and never speaks to me again? I don't approach girls but there ARE girls who will approach me.
Feel free to tell me exactly what you think.
With all honesty, you are 36 years old and I'm not sure what the mentality is for a man your age. Well, I am not sure what the mentality is for men in general, but my opinion is that you should concentrate on yourself and get to the place where you find yourself saying, "What can I offer a woman" because the majority of women do want to have someone who has stability overall.
It’s good that you are on that path and hopefully you continue on it. My suggestion; you should stick to women your own age. It’s usually easier to connect with someone who has more in common with your generation. GOOD LUCK0 -
Be friends. Don't worry about a getting a job as long as you are in school (unless you want to work). I'm a non-working graduate student.
Don't dump all your cards on the table immediately, but don't lie either, let the conversation about your past develop naturally, just like the friendships you will form with these women.
I would, however, look to move out of your parents' house. I look askance at men who still live at home. I moved out at age 18 and never moved back.0 -
Everyone has a past, whether it defines your future is up to you. A man I once knew owned up to all his past, never made excuses, admitted it all and then said if you want to see who I am now, then hang around and judge for yourself. I have always remembered that and I judge people not on their past, but on their "now." I'd have missed out on knowing some really interesting peope if I hadn't.
I really like what you said.0 -
I think that you should concentrate on getting an education and getting employed before you decide to date. With that being said, my father is a meth addict. He's been clean for 10 years or so. His life has been a complete wreck. And I mean, in and out of jail, community corrections, rehab. All that. And he's been working on his life slowly. Until recently, he has not dated in about 10 years or so. Now he has a great job, and beautiful home, and a wonderful girlfriend. She understands his past and accepts it, and it doesn't bother her, because that is not who he is NOW.
I think you'll find someone who loves you for you no matter what your past looks like. But the bigger issue now (in my opinion) is not your past, but your present.0 -
The past does matter, because it often dictates future behaviour. But people do change. The best way to get to know someone who won't mind your past issues is to show, through your behaviour, that you are a different person now.
Work towards moving out of your parents home, or at least be able to justify why you're still living there. Many university students had independent living situations at 17 or 18, and will likely not understand why someone went so long living at home when there were other options. Also, don't lie about your past unless you want it to bite you in the *kitten* later on. Own it, and show that you acknowledge your issues and are willing to move past them. Show that you are working towards improving - getting a part time job during school or being involved in volunteering are good ways to show that you're different.
I'd also recommend staying away from dating people way younger than yourself (as they will often be at university). It's one of those things that sets off warning signals to someone, and that combined with your past and present situation (living at home, not working, etc) will scare most savvy people away.
There's also a big college drinking scene. Avoid it if at all possible.
Lastly, improve yourself for YOU, not for anyone you might want to date. If you're not capable of dealing with your own issues right now, how are you going to deal with the stresses of a relationship? Stability is something you should probably work towards now, and maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time, effort and commitment. Think about how you are with handling what you have on your plate right now, and if you can handle more.
Good luck!!
Totally agree! Great advice
Good luck OP, that is so awesome you're turning your life around, that's HUGE and it's going to bring you happiness and peace, whether or not there's a girl involved! 0 -
You live and learn...its up to you what path you take but you are now an adult (not a teen) so work on growing up a bit and take the initiative to love life on your own then work on sharing it with someone else!!!
About not having a job...well most women like men that are stable but Im sure you have your reasons just dont make this a choice because in the long run if you plan to become serious in a relationship you are going to need to depend on yourself and not others. You gotta take care of yourself first so you can care for others!!!!
By the way, Congrats on making a change in your lifestyle and taking control of your life...it only takes baby steps!!!
Just be you! Only time will tell what the future holds for you!!! Good luck!0
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